Original subtitles

It was a great sandwich, Kim.

God, I love this fancy mustard. Where did you get it?

Nice try, Jimmy. I know you snuck it on my grocery list.

How did you know? Because there was a fancy mustard stain where you wrote it.

Sorry, I was desperate.

We were banned from the good grocery store.

Why?

I was caught eating from the candy bin.

Apparently they have a policy.

One, two Swedish fish, free sample. Thirty -eight, grand larceny.

They didn't buy my argument that it was wrong to separate one fish from the rest

of the school.

Sammy, don't worry about it. We gave it our best shot.

I'll put the training wheels back on the bike right away, okay?

What's going on?

Greg's about to ask me to put Sammy's training wheels back on.

Still not getting it? It's just so frustrating. I keep telling him, you

think about it. You just gotta do it.

You know, it's amazing how true that is in life. I've told that to so many

people. Like me?

When you were down on one knee drawing a ring on my finger?

Kim, it's been three weeks, and if anything, Sam's getting worse at it.

teaching a kid to ride a bike is hard. I remember my dad, when he was teaching

me, he didn't want to run behind the bike, so he just pushed me down a hill

until I got it.

I ended up with 32 stitches.

God, that's terrible.

That's not as bad as it sounds. It's actually eight stitches four different

times.

I kept opening up every time I fell.

I just want him to have fun out there. Damn it!

Maybe that's the problem, Greg.

What? Maybe you getting so frustrated is putting too much pressure on him. Maybe

he's better off learning from somebody else.

Well, true. I mean, think about it. There's no one you want to succeed more

him, and there's no one he wants to please more than you. So we're both

too hard.

Yeah. My dad tried too hard. We got a visit from child services.

Of course you did. He was pushing you down a hill.

Actually, they didn't show up until he tried towing me behind his car.

I think Jimmy's got a point.

I mean, I remember when Dad was teaching me to drive, he'd be there in the

passenger seat honking the imaginary horn, hitting the imaginary brake.

Too bad he didn't jump an imaginary curve and hit an imaginary tree.

He was making me nuts. I panicked.

I hope you're not doing that to Sammy. I'm trying not to.

You know, I could try teaching him.

Really? Yeah, sure, as long as you return the favor one day when I have

teaching something to Dominic or Logan.

Like calculating percentages?

No, like something useful.

You know, like figuring out how much to tip.

One, two, three!

Way to go, buddy. You did a great job, Sammy. Really great.

Now go get yourself a treat.

Get your Uncle Jimmy one, too. There should be some Dove bars. I'll put them

your mom's list.

He really did it? Yep, yep. The bad news is, before he got good at it, he dinged

a car.

Good news, it was your car.

I'm just glad he could do it. That's great, Jimmy. Thanks.

The last thing we wanted was for Sam to have to ride a giant big wheel well into

his teens.

Kids always get peas beyond belief.

It wasn't a big wheel.

It was called a tri -cruiser.

And who made it?

Hasbro.

Look at him go!

I don't believe it. He's balancing, he's turning. How did you do it? Well, you

know, I never raised my voice, I never got upset, and he didn't care what I

thought. I owe you one, Jimmy.

That just slipped out.

I don't owe you one. You just owe me one less.

Yeah. Whoa.

Look at that.

I know. Yep, that's my boy. I saw you pushing him around on his bike last

I thought you were having as much trouble with him as I was with my kid. I

On Saturday, Sam ran me right into that bench stand. For the record, bag ladies,

not as soft as they look.

Well, if you're bent over and running fast enough, your head can dent a

You don't own a blue minivan, do you?

The problem is you're teaching your own kid. It puts too much pressure on the

both of you. Jimmy's the one that taught Sam.

So you're not his dad?

No, I'm his dad.

Oh, I thought you had one of those two dad situations.

No, no, I'm his uncle.

Be honest.

You thought I was gay?

Yeah.

Cool.

You think you can teach my kid how to ride?

Yeah, sure.

Give me an hour.

Trev, I want you to meet somebody. Bring your bike over here.

What's up, Trev?

Make it two hours.

What do you know? He finally got it.

Hey, way to go, Trevor!

I want to let him concentrate until he gets his confidence.

Wow. You really know what you're doing.

Hey, thanks a lot. Hey, no problem, man.

Hey, what's this?

Just a little something for your trouble.

No, I can't take your money. It makes me feel like a $10 hooker.

The who you dated twice.

Take it, please.

Thanks to you, instead of fighting every weekend, Trev and I can actually have

some fun.

Let's go, buddy.

Way to go, Jimmy.

That gave me a $20 bill. So?

Well, I don't know. I just don't feel right taking somebody else's money.

Really? The last five years must have been torture for you.

I didn't do anything for you.

You make the weirdest kind of sense.

You provided a service, and you deserve to be compensated for it. If the guy

would have offered you a hero's sandwich, would you have felt bad about

that? Well, no, because that would be like a gift. Which is what that is.

You're right.

Wow! What?

Can you imagine a $20 sandwich?

Check it out, Christine.

A $20 sandwich.

I mean, it's a Philly cheesesteak. How did that cost $20?

Well, the sandwich was only $3, but the FedEx from Philly was $17.

Hey, Frank, how you doing? I'm all right, Jimmy.

But we're having a little issue over at my house that I need to talk to you

about. Well, I've tied with Lisa.

You should definitely shave that mustache off.

What?

Nothing.

What's going on, Frank?

Dan down the street told me you taught his kid to ride a bike in no time. He

says you're a genius.

Well, he also thought I was gay. He might not be the best judge.

Do you teach other things?

Like what?

I'm having a terrible time teaching my 16 -year -old to drive.

We can't get through a lesson without yelling at each other.

He called me a doofus, Jimmy.

A doofus.

You know, Frank, for a 16 -year -old, that's not bad.

I mean, our 7 -year -old talks like he's in the cast of Deadwood.

I think he picked it up from Lisa.

Last week, she called me a dingbat, Christine.

A dingbat.

You know what, Frank? I'll give it a shot. That's great, Jimmy. Oh, so how

do you charge?

Oh, I don't really charge.

He does accept gifts.

How about $20?

Okay. An hour?

Okay.

Later this afternoon?

You got it.

Goodbye, Christine.

Bye, Frank.

$20 an hour? Under the table?

Under the table, no.

I'd probably have to report it.

Now the bunny runs around the tree.

No, no, no. Yep, yep, yep.

No, no, stop, stop. He only goes around the tree once.

Okay? You don't want him to get dizzy and fall down.

Because then the eagle's going to swoop down and pick him up in his beak and

grab his furry neck and break it and eat him.

Never go around twice again, will you?

Hey, Jimmy. Hey, Greg. This is Brian. He lives down the street.

Hey, Brian.

What is Brian doing here?

Brian's dad hired me to teach him how to ride a bike, but I'm teaching him how

to tie his shoes first because you can't really ride a bike if your laces keep

getting caught in the chain.

Don't I know it. I almost got killed in college when my MC Hammer pants got

caught in the chain.

I can't touch that.

Anyways, every time his dad tried to teach him how to tie his shoes, they got

this big fight. Poor kid took his first communion in flip -flops.

Hey, where you going, buddy?

All right, man. We'll move on to bike riding tomorrow.

Thanks, Jimmy.

Hey, Dominic, get in here, please. I want you to walk Brian home.

I'll see you tomorrow, Jimmy.

Oh, yeah.

Thank you. You ready to walk him home?

I

came

over because I figured you'd be watching the game. Yeah, I can. I get it.

A five -year -old at three and a seven -year -old at five.

What are you talking about?

Ever since that day in the park, all the dads in the neighborhood have been

hiring me to teach their kids all sorts of stuff. My schedule is completely

booked. You have a weekly planner. Yeah, when you're this busy, it's important

to stay organized.

You know, like next Saturday at four o 'clock, I'm getting a bikini wax.

This is Christine's planner.

I know what I'm doing next Saturday at five o 'clock.

Wow, looks like you got your own business going, huh, Jimmy? Go figure.

know, it is amazing what kids' dads will hire you to teach them.

There he sits with a pin and a yellow pad.

What a handsome lad.

That's my boy.

B -R -L -F -Q spells mom and dad.

Well, that ain't too bad, cause that's my boy.

Well, you can have your TV and your nightclub.

And you can have your drive -in picture show.

I'll stay here with my little man near to listen to the radio.

Widen my time in watching Scotty grow.

All right, Billy, just a quarter turn to the right and left. I'll help.

You got it, Greg. No, I'll just grab this corner here. Fine.

Oh!

I'm stuck.

Great, now we have to move it two more times. Thanks for the help, Greg.

Sorry, I didn't realize I grabbed the back.

You don't cook much, do you?

Wow, that looks amazing, Jimmy.

Wait till the matching refrigerator shows up.

See, you guys have come a long way. Your first fridge was a cooler with a

Washington Redskins logo on the side.

How's that working out for you, Billy?

It works great.

Ice cream truck is here.

Do you have some money to get some ice cream? You bet you can, boys. I'll tell

you what.

Here's a 20.

Why don't you get ice cream for all the kids in the neighborhood?

Yeah!

Oh, gee, careful, guys.

Careful.

Anyway, they're all my boys now.

You know what, Greg?

I'm starting to see what makes you tick.

I mean, I've always provided for my family, but it feels really good to have

some extra cash to spoil them, the way you always do with your family. Well,

should do more for them than buy them ice cream. You should be saving money

their college education.

Greg, I got a King Griffey Jr.

rookie card in near mint condition.

We're going to be fine.

He has a phone call for you. I'll take it.

Hello? Yeah.

I'm his assistant.

Let me check.

Jimmy, it's another dad from the neighborhood. Want to know if you can

this 15 -year -old how to ballroom dance?

Absolutely.

Okay, be here tomorrow at 4 o 'clock sharp. And by the way, may I ask how you

heard of us?

You know how to ballroom dance?

Yeah, sure, yeah. I learned in gym class. I know how to foxtrot, cha -cha,

waltz. What?

I've known you 20 years. All you ever do is grab my ass and sway.

Doesn't mean I don't know how to dance.

Billy, this is unbelievable.

I've actually taught these kids more stuff than I knew I knew.

Yeah, I wish my dad had hired somebody to teach me to play hacky sack. Then I

would have had self -esteem and I could have been one of the cool kids at

college. You didn't even go to college.

It's because I had low self -esteem.

Hey, this is our biggest day yet, Jimmy.

Oh, man. Dude, thanks for all your help.

Here you go. Hey, fly yourself in a sandwich.

You just keep getting more and more business.

Yeah, you know what? It's not just a business.

I've really grown to become proud of my boys.

Well, you've got another big day Saturday. You've got a shoe tying at 10,

shift driving at 11, and in the afternoon you have to teach somebody how

hockey sack. See you.

Billy, you can't put yourself on the schedule.

I'm not doing it anymore.

Logan, get back in here. We need to finish your homework.

Hey, Logan, come here.

What's going on?

Why do I even need to know math?

Let me give you an example, Logan.

If there's 365 days in the year, and you're not allowed to watch TV for two

-thirds of the year, do you know how many days it'll be until you can watch

again?

No. Do you?

Let's see. There's 365 days in a year.

365 divided by 3 is about 122. 122 times 2 is

244. Why don't you go wait in your room?

How'd you come up with that so fast?

Adrenaline.

What's going on with him, anyway?

He insists on adding and subtracting by counting on his fingers.

And when I tell him he can't do that for the rest of his life, you know what he

says? Why?

Well, when you really think about it, I mean, he'll always have his fingers.

He can't keep counting on his fingers.

Well, what are you doing getting so frustrated about it? Just have Kim teach

him. What?

Well, you know, you've got that whole parent -child thing going on. I mean,

you've seen how much better it works when somebody else does it. I don't want

someone else to do it.

Why? Because I want to do it myself.

I want to see that proud look on his face when he works hard and he figures

out. Like when he went in the potty for the first time. You remember that look

on his face?

I remember the look on his face when he's working hard.

And when he gets it, I want to know that I was part of it. I mean, that's what

being a parent is about, Jimmy.

I mean, they grow up so fast, and these memories are all we're going to have

when they're grown.

Making a castle out of building blocks and a cardboard box, that's

my boy.

Mickey Mouse says it's 13 o 'clock.

Well, that's quite a shock.

But that's my boy.

In four short years, I've gone from rag to riches.

And what I did before that, I don't know.

So let it rain on my windowpane. I got my own rainbow. And we're sitting here

shining, watching Scotty grow.

Riding on daddy's shoulders Off to bed Old sleepyhead

That's my boy

I've got to straighten this out with every one of those dads.

We're keeping the stove, right?

Yeah.

That's it.

I'm done.

It's up to you guys to control your frustration, do the work, spend the

that you guys can have these moments with your sons. Not me.

Frank, you should have seen your son when he finally got started in first

without stalling out. He was so excited. I will never forget it. I'm sorry I

missed it.

It's not too late.

You still can't parallel park.

And Mike, you're kicking shave now without one nick.

You should have seen the look on his face. He was so proud of himself.

But he's got a lot of hairs coming out of his nose.

You know what you need to do.

Greg, I taught Sammy to ride a bike.

It's up to you to keep him from putting a basket and a bell on the front.

All right, look, Greg, you got one more child to teach. But I'm terrible at it.

I'm not going to teach your children anymore, but I can teach you to teach

okay? Let's go.

All right.

Faster.

Faster. Wait until I'm balanced. Am I balanced now? No. Am I balanced now? No.

Am I balanced now? Yeah. Let's go.

Hey, can you teach me how to do that?

Look how grown up Sammy is.

Remember when he was little?

Well, you can have your TV and your nightclub And you can have your drive

-in picture show I'll stay here with my little man near We'll listen to the

radio Bide my time watching Scotty grow

That's how big Logan had gotten.

Boy, it goes by fast.

In four short years, I've gone from rags to riches.

And what I did before that, I don't know.

So let it rain on my windowpane. I got my own rainbow.

And we're sitting here shining, watching stars grow.

I'm a little confused.

Amen.