Original subtitles

Oh, Jen, how adorable!

Look how adorable!

Ah, adorable.

Corkscrew?

Oh, Jen, you must be so happy.

I am. I really am.

Look at that resemblance. Looks just like Tom.

Greg, isn't that the fitting image of Tom?

Actually, he looks like a grub worm.

Then again, I've never met Tom.

Cherish every moment. It goes by so fast.

Remember when Sammy was born?

Are you ready?

Here it comes.

Remember?

Yeah.

Okay, it's just about time to push.

By the power of Satan, we curse you to eternal damnation in the innermost

of hell.

And breathe.

You too, buddy.

Okay, I'm gonna break her water now.

I'm getting old. I used to get excited at parties about passing around a bong.

Oh, my God.

It's the new baby smell.

Oh, I remember that smell.

That is the best smell in the world.

How is my little baby boy?

How is my little baby boy?

You need to be changed. Let Mommy judge.

Remember?

tied underneath her chin, I would have snorted that bonnet right off her head.

I love that new baby smell. Did you smell that?

Yeah, yeah.

Christine, would it be crazy if... Oh, never mind.

What? Say it.

Would it be so crazy for me to have another baby?

Why not?

I mean, would it be crazy if Jimmy and I had another one?

I just want to say that I completely understand how you guys are feeling

now. I mean, there's times when I want another child, too.

Really? I just think it's a big issue, and it's not a decision that you come to

on a spur of a moment.

I think we should take some time and weigh the advantages and disadvantages

give it the consideration that it truly deserves.

Well, thank you, Greg.

And thanks for shutting him up, too.

Ow!

You pinched me. Not on your nipple. I was just trying to shut you up.

Why? You gotta stop this before it gets started.

No, stupid. The more you argue with them, the more Kim and Christine are

gonna dig in.

What, so you just cave?

I didn't cave. I'm just buying some time. They're all hyped up on this baby

thing now because they just saw one.

I don't know, Greg. They found I'm pretty serious about this.

Let me explain this in a way you'll understand.

Say you're driving down the street and you pass a barbecue restaurant.

All you want is barbecue.

A little later you pass a KFC and all you want is fried chicken.

What I do is I probably just go back to the barbecue place because most barbecue

places have barbecue and fried chicken.

Of course, I do love those biscuits at KFC.

Tell you what, I'll probably just go to the drive -thru at KFC. Jimmy, Jimmy,

Jimmy.

The point is, if we just give them some time, Kim and Christine will go on to

something else and we won't be the bad guys.

Now do you understand?

Yeah, I do.

I'm not going to be able to sleep tonight until I have one of those

We just realized we're both ovulating.

How do you know that?

My breasts are tender.

So are mine. Well, one of them at least.

Hey, I know a place where the breasts are really tender.

KFC. Who's with me?

Don't change the subject.

Fine. I don't want another baby. Okay.

You know, Jimmy, you really don't have much of an argument.

I mean, in this day and age of technology, I can order sperm on the

And if I order enough of it, I can get free shipping.

Christine, we can't afford another child.

Well, we'll make do. We always have.

Yeah, well, I'm tired of eating pizza and chili for dinner every night.

Okay, I'm not really tired of eating pizza and chili.

Look, guys.

Can't we just agree to keep talking?

I mean, we need to take the time to explore this properly. Oh, shut up,

We know you were just shining us on.

So you don't really want to have another baby either?

Well, what's your reason?

Well, Kim, I just don't think it's right bringing a child into this world with

Social Security the way it is.

Not to mention the environment.

The polar cap is melting, Kim.

What is this really about?

I love you and I love our family and I love our kids. I just figured, you know,

in 20 years when Emily's getting out of college, maybe we would have the time to

do everything that we always wanted to do. Like what?

Like learn how to sail.

Since when do you want to learn how to sail?

Since the polar cap is melting?

So, how do we settle this? Hey, how about a puppy? A puppy? Hey, a puppy!

That's a great idea.

They're cute and cuddly, and the timing works out perfectly. When the kids get

out of college, you know, and we have our freedom back, it'll be dead.

We don't. Well, we do. Two puppies and a bunny. That's our final offer.

Hey, man.

Hey, Christine budged at all?

Nope. She's giving me a silent treatment.

Which actually has its benefits.

Because I don't have to pretend like I'm listening to her.

Get so mad at you.

This is my dinner tonight.

But that's okay.

I've got the whole week's menu already planned.

Good man.

Now, listen.

You're not going to cave, are you? Because if you cave, I'm dead.

Absolutely not, Jimmy. We're in this together.

Okay, you and me, Greg.

No sex.

We're just hugging, Greg. No.

I mean, no sex with our wives.

What?

Why?

You do know where babies come from, right?

Yeah, but women can only get pregnant like a few days per month, right?

So? I just want to have sex with Christine on those days.

Well, how are you going to know when those days are?

Well, Christine's only going to want to have sex with me on the day she can get

pregnant. But I'll only have sex with her on the day she absolutely refuses to

have sex with me.

Can't you go to jail for that?

Jimmy, there's no way around this. You're going to have to abstain from sex

Christine. You know, there's other enjoyable things.

Concentrate on your hobbies.

Well, I mean, yeah, I used to enjoy collecting baseball cards and electric

trains and models. Then I had sex. End of hobbies.

Well, you're going to have to find a new hobby.

I'm going to get you a harmonica.

A harmonica?

Come on, I can teach you how to play Oh Susanna or Someone's in the Kitchen with

Dinah. Listen, unless Dinah is in the kitchen moaning Oh Susanna...

Count me out.

I can't take this much longer. I'm hanging by a thread here, dude.

It's been 36 hours, Jimmy.

Surely at some point in your life you've been without sex for 36 hours.

Yeah, but not because somebody told me I couldn't.

It's like before Christmas when your presents are sitting under the tree and

your parents tell you you can't open them.

All you can think about is unwrapping them and touching them.

Kiss me then.

Stay with me. Let me talk you down, all right?

You just need to keep your mind off sex.

Greg, that's like telling Tiger Woods to keep his mind off of sex.

You mean golf.

What did I say? Sex.

Damn it!

Look, let's start out by playing a little game I like to call Monopoly.

No, that's not going to work. Christine's nickname in high school was

Jet.

Well, I didn't think we were going to get here so soon, but we're going to

to take this to another level.

Baby food?

Yeah. It's the horny man's kryptonite.

Smell it.

Pureed liver?

Take a whiff.

What'd I tell you?

This is great, man. I can't believe this stuff worked.

Hey, what are we watching?

Women's beach volleyball.

trying to do, and it's not going to work.

What are you talking about?

Folding laundry.

I know, but I'm trying to read over here, and it's a little distracting.

Fine. I'll do it later.

I guess I'll read my book, too.

Now, where did I leave that?

Oh, there it is.

It's in my book.

I must have left it in my bag.

What

are

you doing?

I'm hungry.

You eat baby food.

It's a healthy snack.

Yeah, but... Why are you doing this?

Look, I'm just trying to control myself, okay?

Why don't you want to have another baby?

Do we really have to talk about this now?

My biological clock is ticking.

I know. I was hoping to just take a knee and let it run out.

Jimmy. Look, Christine, I'm buying this house, trying to make it in L .A. We're

already stretched to the limit as it is. And with one more person, everyone

would get even less.

I love Dominic and Logan.

And the more time I spend with them and the older they get, I want to give them

more, not less.

Okay.

But, uh...

If you change your mind, you know where to find me.

I think I'll sleep naked.

what you two look like?

A pair of boobs.

If she's going to talk dirty like that, I'm never going to make it.

Did you say something?

I'm not talking to you. What is your problem? What is my problem? You and

stupid biological clock.

Hey, I'm not the one who brought this up first, you little jerk.

Hey, I can... Kim said she wanted a baby before I did. I can handle Kim.

I'm good at that. I got out of having a cat because I told her I was allergic to

them. You are allergic.

Am I?

I could have put her off forever.

And then you get to a certain age...

Watch it, or you will feel pain like you haven't felt since the 6th through 11th

grades.

Oh, you don't want a piece of me today, sister.

I am so full of backed -up testosterone, I don't know what I'm capable of.

This whole thing is ridiculous.

Well, I totally agree.

You shouldn't even have a biological clock.

Biological clocks are for women who don't have babies.

You have kids, two of them. Yeah, but they don't need me anymore.

What does that mean?

Look, I know they need me, all right, but just not like they used to.

And when they were babies, they depended on me.

Now that they're growing older, they want to spend all their time with their

father.

I just want them to need me.

I miss that.

Is that wrong?

No.

It's just your family's growing up, Christine, and...

You can't keep having babies to avoid facing that fact.

You've got to deal with it sooner or later, and at some point you're going to

have to quit having babies. Yeah, but why now?

It's cheaper.

Oh, oh, wait, go back, go back, go back.

There's Greta Van Susteren interviewing Barbara Wood.

Oh, what a great first lady.

Do I look all right?

I had pancakes for breakfast this morning, and all I could think about was

threesome with Aunt Jemima and Mrs.

Butterworth.

And it's all your fault.

What? You're the one who started this whole baby thing. You're younger than

Christine. If you just waited a couple years, it would have been too late for

her to have a baby, and you could have done whatever the hell you wanted.

You know what? I am not even going to dignify that with a response.

Well, I'm just saying, okay? We got our hands full with Dominic and Logan.

And besides, any time I see someone with more than two kids, they look

miserable. Well, you never met my grandparents.

They were the happiest people I knew. They had six kids, and they both died

a smile on their face.

Yeah, they were smiling because they knew they were getting away from their

kids.

You're right.

Gonna have to deal with this sooner or later.

Might as well be now.

I guess we should go tell Jimmy and Kim I changed my mind.

Probably. Jimmy's gonna be so excited.

Yeah.

Kind of a shame, though. He was getting pretty good at that harmonica.

Guys, we have some news.

So do we.

What's your news?

I want to have a baby.

What? I don't want to die alone.

What did you say to him? I just told him about my 95 -year -old grandfather.

That he died surrounded by six children and 18 grandchildren and was happy.

Because he knew he would always be remembered.

I want to be remembered.

Dominic and Logan are going to remember you. Logan can't remember to wipe

himself.

We've decided we want another baby.

Well, we've decided we don't. What?

Yeah, I mean, Greg made me realize that this really wasn't about me wanting

another baby. It was about facing the fact that my children are growing up,

I have to deal with that.

But I want a baby, and so does Kim.

You better have one together, then.

This is kind of awkward.

Yeah.

Well, should I bite dinner first?

You're kidding, right?

Of course. Like, I'm going to pay for dinner.