Original subtitles

Hey, everybody.

Greg, I have something here that is going to melt in your mouth. My friend

brought me something today that was so good, I almost kissed him on the lips.

That's freaky.

A little too freaky.

Greg, prepare to taste the best barbecue in the world.

And by prepare, he means take two Zantac and a Beano.

I'm telling you, Greg, this barbecue is so good, it'll make you want to slap

your mama.

Well, I've had barbecue from Corky's in Memphis and Arthur Bryant's in Kansas

City, and I'll be the judge.

Oh, my gosh. Huh?

What did I tell you?

Huh? Yeah.

Oh, wow, that is good.

Jimmy, kiss Roy on the lips.

Please tell me you have some more of this somewhere.

I do.

I'm not a doctor, but I think it's in my large intestine.

Pigs.

Well, Kim's taking the kids to a birthday party tonight.

I've got to have some more of that barbecue. Where is this place?

It's down in the hood.

The hood?

Which hood?

Oh, there's only one hood.

Does this place happen to deliver?

Nope.

Maybe I'll just order a pizza.

What? You're afraid to go down to the hood. That is crazy.

Have you ever been there? Well, of course I have. When?

I spent some time in the hood on my way to a Laker game once.

Really? How long did you stay?

A while, until I could... find my way back to the freeway, you can hardly see

the signs.

Especially with all the panicky sweat dripping in your eyes.

What are you implying, Jimmy?

Well, nothing, Greg. You know, it just sounds like you might be a little

around people who are a little less white than you.

That is ridiculous. Some of my best friends are black.

Like who?

If I'm one of your best friends, you got bigger problems than being uptight.

All right, well, you guys have fun at the birthday party tonight.

What are you doing for dinner?

I'm going down to that barbecue place, you know, the one that Roy and Jimmy got

the brisket from.

Goodbye, honey. Daddy loves you.

Now, Sam, remember, when Daddy's not here, you're the man of the house.

Greg, is there something wrong? No, no, nothing's wrong.

Nothing's wrong.

I know this might be a bit of a non sequitur, but my life insurance is paid

and I left the policy number on the counter.

You guys have fun at the party.

Welcome to Earl's.

May I help you?

Yes. Hi. Oh, United Negro College Fund.

Always a favorite charity of mine.

Do you want to order something?

Yes.

What?

Well, whatever you recommend. I'm comfortable with that. Very, very, very

comfortable with that.

Number two with the brisket. And do you have Pellegrino?

And a lemon -lime soda.

Same things. Clear.

Got bubbles.

All right, you're number 11.

Have a seat. When it's ready, somebody will bring it to you.

Awesome.

Hey.

First time?

Yeah.

I knew it.

I knew it when you donated money to the collection jar for the United Negro

College Fund.

Oh, you white people do that the first time.

Oh, my God, I can't believe that I am so full.

Yeah, those beef ribs are pretty good, aren't they? Pretty good. You can pick

the meat from in between my teeth and I would still win first place in a

contest.

Yeah, you ain't said nothing, Craig.

Oh, man, the man's name is Greg, Charlie.

I know what the man's name is, David.

You're like my brother from another mother. Like my homie that know me.

Charlie, I feel the exact same way.

Craig, let me ask you a question.

What is the deal with white people and Elvis?

What do you mean? Elvis was the king of rock and roll.

Come on, Craig. I mean, everyone knows Elvis was a fraud.

He took rhythm and blues, sang it like a black guy, and white people, you, gave

him the title king of rock and roll.

Well, I...

Never looked at it like that. Yeah, I'm telling you, Craig, it's the system.

I mean, look at these guys like Eric Clapton, Rolling Stone.

I mean, they were heavily inspired by guys like Howlin' Wolf and Muddy Waters.

And yet, the white guys made all the money.

You know what?

It is the system.

So what's up, Greg?

You know, you down to hear some of this stuff? You know, some of this stuff that

Elvis stole from us, you know what I mean?

Are you with it?

Let me check this out. This is a place down in the hood called Babe and

Oh, my goodness. They got a house band up in there that sounds just like Muddy

Waters. So what do you say?

You're dying to creep on down to the hood, Craig.

I thought we were in the hood.

Hell no, man. It's Baldwin Hills.

It's like the valley for black people.

So you want to roll?

Yeah, man. You can come hang out with us for an hour or so.

For sure, sir. Too soon?

Yeah, it'll always be too soon for me.

Kim said Greg left like two hours ago. I'm starting to get worried.

No need.

I'm sure if he called his order in ahead of time, pulled up to the place, left

the car running, ran in, ran out, he's fine.

Be honest, Roy. Is this barbecue place in a really bad neighborhood?

I don't know.

What do you mean you don't know?

Well, I've never actually been there. So where did you get that barbecue from? I

got it from the studio.

Those were the leftovers from the cast and crew meal at Girlfriend's.

That's great, Roy. I just hope Greg's all right now.

Well, he'll be fine.

What, do you think people are going to do, carjack him and throw him in a

someplace?

Maybe we should call the police.

Who's going to call the police?

Uh, no, no.

Nobody's going to call the police.

Wow, this is like walking in on Dominic and Logan, except it's less likely you

two are going to come up with a clever excuse.

Look, Roy and I came down kind of hard on Greg earlier in the day because he

afraid to go down in the hood and get that barbecue we all loved.

And? He went down there to prove us wrong, and he's just been gone a long

Well, I'm sure you're overreacting. What did he say when you called his cell

phone?

You didn't call a cell phone?

Pardon me if I don't stick around to watch the thrilling conclusion of C .S.

a Moron.

What up?

Craig, it's Jimmy. Speak up, I can hardly hear you. Where are you?

The hood.

Are you okay?

Of course I'm okay.

Good. I'm just glad to hear you're okay.

Well, why wouldn't I be okay?

Well, I don't know. I mean, it's the hood, right?

Well, what is that supposed to mean?

Look, I was just a little worried, that's all.

Oh, Jimmy, you're starting to sound a little light and uptight.

I am not.

Oh, really? You accuse me of being afraid of this neighborhood, but now

afraid of this neighborhood.

That's not true.

Well, then why are you worried about me? I wasn't worried about you. I'm worried

about you bringing that barbecue home.

Admit it, Jimmy. You're the uptight one now.

No, I'm the hungry one now.

Well, I should be home in about an hour.

I hope.

What is that supposed to mean? I don't know. It's just something doesn't seem

right, Jimmy.

What is it, Greg?

What's that all about?

You guys want to stick it to the man?

Let's start with a man named Jimmy.

Good idea having us wear our uniforms.

Yeah.

People respect the bats.

Hey, you know, maybe when Greg said, oh, my God, he meant it in a good way. You

know, like something exciting just happened.

He said, oh, my God.

You know, maybe somebody famous walked in while you guys were talking on the

phone. You know, famous people love barbecue.

That's what you'd say if, like, a celebrity came in, right? You'd be like,

my God.

I wonder who it was.

It could have been Snoop Dogg.

Or Halle Berry. Oh, I'd like to meet Halle Berry.

Yeah, that'd be something we'd never forget, huh?

Does Greg know any self -defense?

Let's just say his best move is soiling himself.

Then he's got a fighting chance.

I don't see Greg anywhere.

I don't see Halle Berry either.

That guy in the corner looks like Ghostface Killer from the Wu -Tang Clan.

Can I help you?

Hi, yes.

You hope so?

I did Negro College Fund.

It's always a favorite charity of mine.

Anyway, we're looking for a missing person.

He's about a male.

5 '9", edgy, nervous demeanor. You mean the white guy?

That'd be him.

His name is Greg.

Do you happen to know where he went?

Yeah, I know where he is.

Oh, really? Well, if you just let us know, we'll be on our way.

I don't think you guys want to go anywhere.

down to the hood.

Isn't this the hood?

Hell no, this is Baldwin Hills.

Excuse me just one second.

I thought you said this was the hood. I thought it was.

You thought?

Well, how would I know? I grew up in Santa Barbara.

exactly he went to?

Oh, there's only one hood.

You go south on La Brea, east on Jefferson, south on Crenshaw,

when you get to Martin Luther King Boulevard, you in the hood.

Okay, and these two men that he left with, can you give me a description of

them? Were they tall? Were they short?

Stocky? They were black guys.

down there called uh babe and ricky's babe and ricky's okay that shouldn't be

too hard to find now when you go down there for your own safety tell them

sent you thank you very much julius oh i'm not julius that's just some good

advice that somebody gave me once i've always been too scared to go down there

So scary, is it?

Hey, buddy.

Got a light?

No.

Hey,

man, don't I know you?

Me?

I don't think so.

Weren't you just out here a little while ago?

No, that was not me.

First time I ever been in this neighborhood.

Must have been somebody else then.

Hey, man, I'm sorry. You know, you guys, you all look the same to me, right?

Oh!

Oh. Yeah, yeah.

One big blur.

Like being in a snowstorm.

Two white guys on the same day. Man, there must be an election coming up or

something. You know what I mean?

I feel you, brother.

Uh, excuse me. This other white guy that you saw earlier, was he alone?

No, matter of fact, he was with a couple of dangerous -looking cats. They went

to this blues club over here, across the street.

Hey, but do me a favor, will you, man? Just don't tell him you heard it from

And, oh, when you get over there, just tell him Julius sent you. So there

is a Julius?

I bet your ass there's a Julius.

He's watching you right now.

I don't want to hear it. Do not turn your heads.

Are you ready?

Yeah, I'm ready.

I'm ready to lose control of my bodily function.

Let's just call the police and tell them what, that we screwed up.

Give them the entire reason Greg is in there is because we goaded him into it,

even though we're as afraid of this neighborhood as he is.

Now, look, he was brave enough to face his peers, and we're going to have to

face ours, too.

Now, let's go.

Don't move your head. Do not move your head.

Excuse me.

Uh, yeah.

What can I help you, gentlemen? Uh, yeah, we just came in here to, uh, hear

little blues, but, uh, you know, now that you mention it, uh, I'm wondering

you might have seen my brother -in -law. We were supposed to meet him here, and,

uh... Are you talking about that skinny little white guy?

Uh, yeah, and he might have had a stain run around here.

What was that guy's name again?

Greg Warner.

Is that your brother -in -law?

Yeah.

I haven't seen him.

Excuse me.

Uh, yeah.

Julius sent us.

Oh, you know Julius, huh? Yeah, yeah, we, uh, we know Julius.

Okay.

Well, you go and tell Julius that this is our club now.

And if he ever comes around here again... He better have his affairs in

okay?

All right, yeah.

I think we have enough evidence to call the police.

Well, what'd you say?

I said... I think Sting's musical talents

weren't as evident when he was with the...

That's it, okay? I know you know where my brother -in -law is, and I demand

we see him.

You demand?

I request.

Very respectfully.

You know what? You are absolutely right. I do know where your brother -in -law

is, and I'll let you see him. Thank you. If you can answer this question.

Okay. You have two trains, and they start at the same point, traveling in

opposite directions.

One going 50 miles per hour, and the other one going 60 miles per hour.

Now, in 90 minutes, how far apart are these trains going to be?

What?

I said you have two trains. No, I heard the question. It's like, what kind of

question is that?

It's a basic algebra question, dummy.

I mean, what, you think because I'm a brother I can't ask an intellectual

question or something?

I mean, did you think I was going to ask you who sang Love Rollercoaster?

The Ohio Players.

What are you, a racist or something? No, I'm just horrible at math.

Let's try some physics then, okay?

I drop a feather and an anvil off the Empire State Building. You know what?

worse at physics than I am at math.

Okay, then you better hurry up and figure out how far apart those trees are

then.

I can't. It's really, it's never gone. I won't be able to figure it out.

Look, I just think that my brother -in -law is in a lot of trouble because of

me, and I really need to see him.

165 miles, dummy!

Well, you deserved it for being hypocrites. You went off on me because I

afraid to come down here when you felt the exact same way yourself.

All right, you made your point. Are you happy?

Yes, I am, because I stared my fear down and overcame it.

You basically just did the same thing.

You've got to admit, you're a better person for it.

Yeah, I guess you're right.

There really is nothing to be afraid of.

I'm glad you feel that way.

Now, can you go get my wallet from that big guy?