Original subtitles

Hey, Greg.

Can I borrow your lawnmower today?

What happened to your lawnmower?

Uh, nothing.

Oh, I get it. You've taken mooching to a whole new level.

You're borrowing things you actually own. Well, congratulations.

You can borrow a trophy on the way out.

I can't use mine, okay?

Why not?

I can't say.

Is this a question of secrecy or just a limited vocabulary?

Look, if I tell you why, you're just going to make fun of me. Tell me, Jimmy,

please. Tell me.

All right, fine. Look, I can't use mine because I took the blades off.

I'm souping it up so I can race my lawnmower in an amateur lawnmower racing

competition.

Jimmy, you make it so easy.

Sammy, what are you doing?

We're the pit crew.

You're in the pit crew? Looks like you're doing a great job. Wow, Jimmy,

really coming along.

So where are you going to put the Playboy mud flaps?

There's no Playboy mud flaps, Greg. There's no Confederate flag. There's no

-or -done bumper sticker.

You know what? We should get a get -or -done bumper sticker.

What the hell is get -or -done?

It's one of the comedy catchphrases sweeping the nation.

It's going to last forever.

You know, like nano -nano or what you talking about with us?

You know what? We should get a nano -nano bumper sticker, too.

I'm not even sure they allow bumper stickers.

You know, I'm trying to do everything in accordance with league regulations, and

they're actually pretty strict.

They don't just allow anything to just go on out there.

Oh, I see that.

Rifles allowed for rodent control only.

Shirts and shoes must be worn at all times. Oh, crap. Are tank tops okay?

Not for you.

You know, Greg, I know this is a big joke to you, but Billy and I, we've

dreamed about racing stock cars.

Really? I thought your dream was to live in a Baskin -Robbins.

That's where we would return home after a long day of racing stock cars.

Yeah, cars are too damn expensive, but with these, all you need is an old mower

and a little mechanical know -how.

Yeah, and Jimmy...

is a mechanical genius.

The other day, they figured out how to fasten a fire extinguisher to the back

an office chair. Nobody thought it would work, but I left it off, and I was

airborne for seven seconds.

All right, Sammy, you ready to go play miniature golf? I don't want to play

miniature golf.

Really? You said you did last week.

I want to stay here.

Well, come on, Sam. We're going to go putt the ball to the big windmill, and

we put it in the clown's nose at the end, we get a free game.

Come on, Sam. Let's go have snow cones and churros.

All right. Oh, if you're not coming, I guess I have to go all by myself.

What do you mean if you're going to go by yourself?

I'm not going all by myself.

What are you doing? I thought you were going to take Sammy to play miniature

golf. No, he's staying over at Jimmy's.

Are you okay with that?

Whatever.

You were just saying you wanted to spend more time with Sammy.

Well, what am I supposed to do, Kim? Jimmy's over there winging around

blades like Jackie Chan with a pair of nunchucks.

I'd have to twirl a flaming baton to get his attention.

You're not going to go get your batons, are you?

I guess not. I guess we can go play mini -golf tomorrow.

Oh, we can't. We're going to Bakersfield to watch Jimmy Drake.

We're going to Bakersfield?

I thought it'd be fun for the family.

Oh, yeah, that's exactly the kind of father -son time I envision, traveling

hours through the Central Valley.

What's that, Daddy? Oh, that's a meth lab, son.

Um, and I told Sammy he could ride in Jimmy's car with the rest of the pit

I'm getting my baton.

Hey, Sammy, how was your drive up? Good.

You know what you missed in our car?

We put in a DVD and spent two hours in the 100 -acre wood with Mr. Winnie the

Pooh.

We had a burping contest.

I won.

Now, when I thought about the kind of women I was going to see up here today,

didn't think it was going to be like this.

Most of them aren't very attractive or clean.

I bet you half of them are drunk.

I know.

I got a shot.

Hey, Jimmy.

Uh, correction, Kim. Out here, I am the officer of the law.

I wish I had the right to remain home.

Hey, guys, you ready for the big race?

Yeah! All right, now, we are going to do great today. And you want to know why?

Because of your hard work.

I wouldn't be here without you guys.

And if we win, I want you to join me in the winner's circle and take a picture

with the trophy.

Yeah!

Everybody, I'd like you to meet Lulu.

Hello.

Lulu helps set up all these bleachers.

Really?

Yep.

So when the races are over, do you help break them down and put them in the

storage or something?

Isn't she great?

You guys mind if we sit with you for the race?

Of course.

We were going to sit up at the top, you know, so the kids could see everything.

You don't want to sit up top.

We don't? You didn't hear what happened in Fresno?

We'll sit at the bottom.

Mommy, I'm scared.

Kim, Kim, make sure that's yours.

Sorry,

I picked up your espresso by mistake.

It's not espresso.

Oh.

God.

Knowing you, I'm surprised you didn't let me drink it.

I thought about it.

But, you know, I figured 100 degrees, all these gas fumes, if you'd have

up, it would have started a whole chain reaction.

Jim, Sam won't even fit with me. Oh, he wants to be with his cousins. They're

the pit crew.

Hey, Sam.

Lulu. I wouldn't lean on that.

Isn't she great? Yeah, just great.

Could this get any worse?

It's all going to be over in a couple of hours.

Not if he wins. If he wins, Sam's going to want to be on the pit crew forever.

Shh, the race is about to start.

On your marks, get set, move!

in his face?

Because he's too far behind.

I can't believe it. Is he going to get a laugh?

Yep.

There's somebody's face.

And the first place trophy goes to Chip Cosell.

He's going to keep going.

I can't tell you how many nights I've stared at the ceiling wondering that

thing.

The last driver, please clear the track so the next race can begin.

You okay?

Yeah, I'm fine.

I guess I was kidding myself anyways. I mean, did you see the guy who won?

He must have put thousands of dollars into that mower. It had all the latest

high -tech parts.

Yet his wife is walking around with a peg leg that says Louisville Slugger on

it.

But it's okay. I'm just glad I got the best pit crew in the business.

But we lost.

Well, it all depends on how you look at it. I mean, if you play the race back in

reverse... We got a giant head start and we tied.

Hey, Sam, you want to go play mini -golf next week?

Well, we can do whatever you want to do. Just you and me.

I want to be in the winner's circle.

Well, if you want to be in the winner's circle, let's go be in the winner's

circle. Come on, Sam.

Hey, moron! Get out of there!

Oh, maybe next week, Sam.

Hey.

Hey.

So you're putting the blade back on?

You saw me out there, Greg.

Finished so far behind, it was like I was going in slow -mo.

That's pretty funny.

What? You made a joke.

Slow -mo.

Oh, slow -mo. Great.

I'm not even fast enough to get my own jokes.

So you're just going to quit?

Look, you know what, Greg? I thought I had a chance to do well at this because

I'm a good driver and I'm a good mechanic.

But mole racing is just like everything else. The guy who spends the most money

wins. Well, what if you had a sponsor?

Who's going to sponsor me?

Molasses?

That's funny. You did it again.

Mo -Lasses.

Go home, Greg.

Well, how about I sponsor you?

What? I want to sponsor you.

I don't know, man. I would feel weird taking money from you.

Were the last five years just a dream?

Yeah, but look, how many times did I take actual money from you? Were the

two years you lived out here?

Okay, all right, all right.

Why do you even want to do this? You think it's stupid. Well, I did think it

stupid until Sunday, and I saw how disappointed Sammy was.

You know, my kids were pretty upset, too.

You really want to do this?

I'd do anything to make Sam happy.

So how much you need?

How happy do you want to make him?

Hey, guys, check out all this new stuff. This is a heavy -duty throttle cable,

and this is an aluminum flywheel.

This looks like the thing in Mommy's top drawer.

Well, it isn't.

This is an exhaust extension.

Stay out of your mother's nightstand.

Hey, Sammy, pretty cool stuff, huh?

Yeah. You know who bought all this stuff?

No. Your daddy.

He and I are partners now. That's right. We're partners. Your uncle here is the

driver and the head mechanic, and I'm like the team owner.

What does the team owner do?

The team owner pays for everything, and then he supervises.

Uh -huh.

Beep, beep.

So, Jimmy, how are we looking?

Ah, great, man. The high -performance camshaft just came in, so by raising the

valve lift so the fuel air... See, the owner doesn't have to deal with any of

the boring details.

The cool thing is that we have a chance to win now because we have an owner.

Yes, and a very talented driver and mechanic.

Absolutely, but I think even the most talented driver and mechanic might come

last if he didn't have a good owner.

No doubt about it, but hypothetically, a good owner would probably finish last

without a good driver.

Well, no question, but theoretically, I think a good owner could hire another

driver. Oh, yes, this is true, but just for argument's sake, I think a new

driver might not want to work for an owner who doesn't appreciate new

Are you guys going to fight?

No, no, Bob.

We're partners.

We're partners.

All right, guys, wait till you see this thing. I got a 20 -horsepower V -twin on

it now. I made a whole new front axle, separated the clutch and the brake. I'm

telling you, this thing is faster than my car.

If I didn't have it 10 years ago, Dominic might have been born in a

Wow, Jimmy, sounds like you really got your molar ready.

Yeah. There's a few more things I got to do to get it right.

Just trying to make it as light as possible.

trying to keep it as light as possible.

Yeah.

Every pound counts, huh?

Exactly. Can you pass the rolls?

Maybe you should pass on the rolls.

What? Well, you said you're trying to keep the weight off the mower. You know

you and those rolls are going to be on the mower.

Come on, Greg. Are you serious?

Come on, Jimmy. As the team owner, I'm just trying to show the kids I've made a

commitment to do whatever it takes to win.

I mean, how about you?

What is your commitment?

It's an excellent meal, Kim.

Thank you for keeping my eyes on the prize.

And off the pies.

Yeah, I just finished checking the fluids. I had to add a little to the

and subtract a little from the driver.

Look, I know no one is more prepared to win this thing than you are, and I know

I've been hard on you, but I believe in you. I really do.

And I know a damn race driver when I see one. All right, you watched Ace of

Thunder again last night, didn't you? Yeah.

Go out there and get them, big guy. Oh, one more thing.

Bought you a little pre -race gift.

Greg.

This is fantastic.

Yeah, you don't think a good owner would let you drive without proper attire, do

you?

Warner Racing Team?

Yep, and I got one for all the boys, too.

How come my name isn't on it? What do you mean? It's right there.

Oh, yeah, in the front pocket, like I pump gas or something.

Hey, my name is Jim. Can I check your oil?

Did you check the oil?

Forget it.

What is your problem? You know what my problem is? I'm an idiot.

I never should have gone along with this, okay? You don't want to be

You just want to be my boss.

Well, that's what an owner is, isn't it? I'm sorry, Jimmy, but that's how real

life works. The person in charge is who you want to be. That's what I want my

kid to learn. Yeah, well, I want my kids to learn that just because somebody has

money doesn't mean you have to take their crap.

Oh, go ahead. Quit.

Any idiot could drive one of these things.

Hello, sir. Good luck out there today.

This isn't so hard. A monkey could do this.

Hey.

Hey.

Getting snacks for everybody?

Nope.

I'm not driving in the race, remember?

Look, I know I've been acting like you couldn't do this without me, but the

truth is I can't do this without you.

I know I got a little carried away. It's just... I want Sammy to look at me the

way he looks at you.

Rick, you gotta understand, he's seven years old.

In a seven -year -old boy's eyes, I'm the coolest guy alive.

I can make things that are loud and go fast.

I can make milk shoot out of my nose. I can make milk shoot out of their nose.

Heck, if I got a cold... Please stop. Please stop.

Greg, you have the rest of their lives to impress them. You gotta have this,

too?

The race hasn't started yet.

How do you feel about driving for the Hughes -Warner racing team?

Hughes -Warner?

Yeah.

Let's go.

Just for my own information, would you have still done it if I'd have said the

Warner -Hughes racing team?

Yeah. Damn.

Hey. What?

You're Greg Biffle. No, I'm not.

Yes, you are.

No, I'm not. I'm Hot Rod Lincoln.

That's the name of a song.

I'm the world's biggest NASCAR fan. I saw you win in Fontana. You're number

You're Greg Biffle. What would the third -ranked NASCAR driver be doing out here

in the middle of nowhere racing lawnmowers?

Third -ranked. Yeah. Take it easy, pal.

Well, he's third in points this year. Yeah, but Rusty Wallace is going to go

him soon, and Jeremy Mayfield's very hot right now.

Yeah. We'll see who's going to go by me.

I mean him.

Shh.

They don't allow professionals to race lawnmowers. What the hell are you doing

out here?

I love to race, because this is real racing. It's not about politics or

famous or fighting with your team owner.

Yeah, don't be so sure.

I just love to race, just like you.

Are you going to turn me in?

No.

I'm going to kick your ass.

Well... You're going to get a good view of it.

On your marks, get set, move!

Nice driving, officer.

Thanks. How about I get you in the Daytona 500?

As a driver?

No, mower.

Have you seen the size of that infield?

Hey, Kim.

You want me to mow your backyard?

Oh, that'd be great. Thanks, Jimmy.

All done.

That was fast.