Original subtitles

Hey, you guys are never going to believe this, but apparently this Friday,

Dominic has his first real date.

You're kidding.

That's my boy, like father, like son. In that case, we know he'll be paying for

the movie.

Isn't he a little young to be dating?

He's 10 now.

10's when he's 13.

He is growing up.

I remember when he used to hate it when I'd hug him.

Now he holds it just a little too long.

Well, the girl's name is Sawyer, and she's coming over our house Friday

Oh, well, well. My boy is starting down the road to manhood.

Guess I should have a little talk with him, huh? Sit down.

He's ten.

Besides, when it's time to have the sex talk, I'm not going to send in the guy

who once swore to me that you can't get pregnant in the shower.

Well, it is his first date. He might need a little advice.

Yeah, but I mean, what are we supposed to say?

How do you prepare your kids for dating?

I'll tell you what my mother did. She took me on a practice date.

What?

You went on a date with your mother?

And you call me a hillbilly?

She pretended to be my girlfriend so I would know how to act on a real date.

What?

I just never heard this before.

How'd it go?

Now, Greg, it's very important to be courteous.

Take your elbow off the table.

Mom, that hurt.

And don't talk with your mouth full.

I'm raising a young man, not a monkey. If I want you to learn how to act like a

monkey, I've sent you on a date with your father.

And never, ever look at another woman.

Waiter, can I get another bourbon over here?

over, he ended up back at her place.

You're sick.

You're sick. You should all be ashamed of yourself.

Yeah, you're right. Unfortunately, we're too busy being ashamed of you.

I think it's a good idea.

What?

I think taking your kid on a practice date is a good idea.

I mean, outside of the slapping and the weird stuff.

You want to take Dominic on a practice date?

Yeah. Why not?

I mean, I could teach him about manners, about being unselfish, how to make a

girl feel good.

Well, if that's the case, I should probably... Feel good about herself!

It just sounds kind of weird. Why?

I mean, I bet I could set him on the right path to becoming a gentleman.

Just when you get home, don't make him rub lotion on your feet.

Tends to stick with the person.

I need to talk to you about something.

Kim, it's almost time for Letterman. They got a dog that can play Whipple

Greg, this is important to me.

Go ahead. I'm all ears. Even if it happens to take longer than this next

commercial break, which generally runs about two minutes.

Start talking anytime you want.

I have this box in the closet where I keep all my personal stuff. You know, my

journals, my poetry.

Some letters that are, you know, important to me.

You know, from some people that, you know. Old boyfriends?

And I want you to promise me that if I should die before you, you'll burn it

me.

I mean, fine, but we both know I'm going first. I mean, you eat brown rice, take

four spinning classes a week.

I'm allergic to chocolate, peanuts, grass. Let's face it, if I trip on a

you're dating again.

Greg, this is serious. Will you do this for me? Yes, yes, sure.

And you can't look at what's in the box. Just burn it. Sight unseen.

You have to promise me that.

Kim, I love you. Of course I'll incinerate all your precious memories.

Great. Thank you.

Hey, if I did go first, would you marry again?

What chance is going to let me see that dog, Ken?

come back in again. Okay, come on.

Hello there.

These are for you.

Mom!

I'm sorry. I just can't help it. You look so grown up and so handsome. I just

can't...

to stay going.

She won't even let me get things started.

Wow.

No one who's been on a first date with you has ever said that before.

It's true.

Oh, look at him, Kim.

My little boy is turning into a young man.

You know what? I can't take this. You're going to have to do this for me. Oh, of

course. I'd be honored.

Thanks. Here, honey.

Go outside and come back in again, okay?

Hello there.

These are for you.

You look lovely tonight.

watching cartoons.

Oh, Paul Schaefer. What other white guy could get away with calling people cats?

Okay.

What is the matter?

It's just that... I tell you what's in my memory, Bach.

You know, that there are love letters from my old boyfriend, and you don't

seem to care.

I met your old boyfriend, Brian.

Remember, he punched me in the nose like 30 times.

Well, there are love letters from other guys, too.

Well, do any of them hit harder than Brian?

Because my jaw still clicks a little when it rains out.

That is not the point.

Kim, it doesn't matter. We're all grown up now.

Can we just please act like adults?

And can I turn Letterman back on? They're about to drop Biff off into a

Jell -O.

I want to see how Dominic's date was going.

The two of them are so adorable. They're in the living room playing. Is Dominic

doing okay?

Yeah, yeah. He took my advice. Doing a great job.

Oh, what advice?

Well, I sat him down before Sawyer got here, and I told him that if he always

puts a girl's needs before his own, then they'll be happy.

And if she's happy, he'll be happy.

Oh. Well, that's sweet. Yeah.

We're going to go take a look. Oh, leave him alone. Just one little peek.

do a second coat.

Hey, guys.

Hey.

Hi. I'm Dominic's father.

Hold on, Kylie.

Hi, I'm Sawyer.

So, uh, what's going on here?

I see. Hey, why don't you get a manicure while you're at it?

He did that first.

that stuff your mom told you about dating?

About how you always need to put the girl's needs first and be nice to them?

Yeah.

Wrong.

What? This is our little secret, right?

Right. Forget nice.

The nicer you are to them, the more they're going to walk all over you with

their freshly painted feet. And no girl will ever respect you or be your

girlfriend if you let them do that.

So then how do I get girls to like me?

Here it is, Dominic, okay?

The secret that all men who are successful with the ladies know.

The key to the mint.

The worse you treat them, the more they like you.

That doesn't make any sense.

Yeah, well, you know what? Women don't make any sense. I mean, they clean their

faces with mud.

Now, just listen to me. You try it my way, and you'll see. The girls, soon

they'll be giving you pedicures.

I don't know. Yeah, come on.

There's a scientific principle that backs me up.

Really? Yeah, that's right.

You know, your father's a lot smarter than people think.

It's called reverse psychiatry.

It's just all that talk about how many boyfriends you had started making me a

little crazy.

How could you go behind my back?

Well, I found your old yearbook, Kim.

What exactly did you do with John DeVivo on 4 -12 -87?

He said he'd never forget that day.

You let him touch your breasts, didn't you?

I knew it!

That is it. You are not in charge of burning this anymore.

into it.

Why did I ever ask you in the first place?

It's not clear. You can't be trusted. Well, you know who else can't be

Perry Miller. He said he would love you forever.

Where'd you let him touch you, Kim?

Good morning, Mom.

Good morning, honey.

Hey, you got the new cereal that I wanted. Yeah, but don't tell your

There's not a lot of anything with the word frosted or sugar in it anymore.

Really, his teacher made me put it in writing.

Hello?

Yeah, yeah, hold on.

Is the girl named Lisa for you?

Just say I'm busy.

Uh, honey's in the shower. Can I take a message?

Okay, bye -bye.

She said she wants to have lunch with you today.

What happened to Sawyer?

Don't worry about it.

What are you talking about?

Hello?

Yeah, hold on.

It's Madison for you.

Yeah, busy.

What?

You know what?

He's in the middle of something.

Yeah, I can take a message.

Okay. Bye -bye.

Madison says she baked you brownie.

Right on schedule.

Gotta catch my bus.

See you later, Mom. Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute.

Why are all these girls calling the house and you won't even come to the

It's called reverse psychiatry.

Jimmy.

Did you guys just hear something?

No. You didn't just just sort of... Feel a chill kind of creep down your spine?

No.

It's probably nothing.

What did you tell our son, you jerk?

Now I feel it.

Last week, Dominic was all excited about his first date. Now he's got a bunch of

girls calling the house, and he's acting like he could care less.

Okay, look, Christine, calm down, okay? There's no reason to be up with that.

Take the fork and the knives off the table.

What'd you say to him? It was no big deal. Jimmy.

Look, I may have told him something like, you know, the worse he treated

the more they'd like him.

You what? I'm sorry, but it happens to be true.

You gave him the wrong advice.

He was doing everything that girl Sawyer wanted him to do, just like you told

him, and she was totally taking advantage of him.

Well, then it's the wrong girl, Jimmy, not the wrong advice.

I hate to say this, Christine, but I think Jimmy's right on this one.

What?

I always wore my heart on my sleeve, and girls would take advantage of me. I'd

buy them candy, flowers, write them love letters, and where did it get me? Come

Saturday night, I'd still be having dinner by myself.

Of course, on Saturday afternoon, you were twirling the baton in the high

band.

Yes. Laugh it up, Kim. We don't all have a box full of memories.

I tell you, those girls would have liked you a lot better if you treated them

like crap.

Okay, how do you think I got Christine?

That's because I had low self -esteem.

And you're lucky I did.

Well, I don't see you going anywhere now.

It's because I still feel terrible about myself.

Especially when I come home every day and see who I married.

Look, I just want Dominic to be successful with girls.

Okay? I don't want him to end up as some sort of high school loser who ends up

all alone because he spent all his money on flowers and candy.

And front row tickets to Wham.

Okay? to Renee Furtado for her birthday?

She took her sister.

Well, I hope we're raising our daughter to be smarter than to fall for some guy

who would treat her badly.

And I'd like our son to treat his girlfriends better than you used to

So you better have a talk with him to straighten this out. Okay, okay.

Right away. I'll stop by school in my lunch hour. You better.

How'd you get front row tickets to Wham? All the regional fan club presidents

got them.

Hey, hi, can I help you? Hey, yeah, I'm Jimmy Hughes.

I'm here to see my kid.

Oh, I didn't know any of the kids had a dad that was on the job. Yeah.

Where do you work?

Melrose Studios.

You don't get to work the gate, do you? Yeah.

Sweet.

There he is.

That's your son.

What, the operator?

Thanks. I gave him the key to the mint.

Treat him bad, huh?

My dad had done that for me.

Unfortunately, my wife found out. So now I got to tell him my advice was wrong

and I got to make him stop.

He's the most popular boy at school.

These are going to be the best years of his life.

I'm supposed to ruin that for him?

No way.

One day he's going to get settled down, get married.

And his days of being in charge are over.

Let him enjoy himself while he can.

You're an excellent father.

Thanks, man.

I'm out of here.

Hey, Dad.

Hey, buddy.

Look at you, man.

Looks like you're doing pretty well with the ladies.

Yeah. Not with Jenny, though.

She doesn't even notice me.

Yeah, well, you know what? The strategy doesn't work with every single girl.

Usually there's always one girl that doesn't respond the way the others do.

She's usually really smart, has a lot of confidence, has a lot of self -esteem.

And my advice to you, Dominic, is to forget about that one.

But she's the nicest one in the whole class.

Stay away.

And the prettiest. Dominic.

Six.

One.

If they were chicken nuggets, which way would you go?

I'll see you at home.

Chicken nuggets.

how to raise them to be strong, stand up for themselves.

Yes, Christine, I took care of it.

Hey, how's it going to be fun if we went dancing tonight?

I don't think so.

Greg, why is it that in all the years we've been married, you've never once

taken me dancing?

Can I get another bourbon over here?

Sorry, Tim. Anything but dancing.