Original subtitles

Hey, Kim, do you mind if we grab a cup of coffee?

What happened to the coffee maker we bought you as a housewarming gift?

Oh, actually, Kim, you didn't buy us the coffee maker. You bought us the coffee

pot. You are the coffee maker.

Hey, Greg, what do you think about the big rumor?

The rumor that you moved next door? So far, there's been no evidence to back

that up.

No, it worked. There's a rumor that the studio is going to be taken over.

Greg, is it true?

Of course not. If the studio was being taken over, I'd have heard about it.

Savitsky tells me everything.

Which is great, except when he comes back from Vegas, some things need to be

kept between a man and his massage therapist.

Makes you think, though. I mean, if there was a takeover, they might make

changes. Yeah, you know, with new management, maybe the guards could get

more leverage. We could finally get that voice -activated gate lifter we've been

lobbying for.

Really, Jimmy?

It's too much to push a button?

Carpal tunnel is no joke, Christine.

I want to be able to play with my grandkids when this job is over.

Stop slinking around out there. You'd be the world's worst ninja.

You're like Crouching Tiger, Annoying Dragon.

Sorry, sir. I just have a question.

I don't want to sound paranoid or anything, but I've been hearing some

going around, and, well, do you know anything about there being a takeover

at the studio?

A takeover?

Who told you that?

Well, it's just been going around amongst some lower -level people. Is it

No, no, no. Please.

Nothing is changing around here. Nothing at all.

Great. That makes me feel a whole lot better. I was beginning to think that I

was out of the loop, you know.

Never, Warner. Nothing happens around here behind your back.

Well, thank you, sir. Sorry I wasted your time.

Where's the chair?

What chair?

I'm sure I was just sitting down here.

Yes, but I believe it was Indian style.

What the hell is going on around here?

All right, there's going to be a change.

The board has brought in some guy named Paul Mercer to be in charge.

They're moving me down the hall and giving me another title. Well, why

you tell me any of this?

I couldn't tell anybody. If I did and their stock traded, I could go to jail.

And in jail, getting points in the back end means something totally different.

Stuart?

Greg?

I guess with a new boss coming in, we won't have to compete over who's going

be Stavitsky's right -hand man.

Well, I never thought of it as a competition story.

It was always me.

That's interesting, because just the other day, he told me I reminded him of

of his sons. Oh, really? Which son?

The one that stole his rare coin collection to support his OxyContin

the transsexual bulimic that he tries to keep hidden away in Amsterdam?

Gentlemen.

Hello, sir.

You can ask Savitsky. I'll take the new guy. What do you know about him?

Well, just that he worked at Disney.

Mr. Mercer.

Stuart Nichol, it is an honor to meet you.

I really respect what you did over at Disney.

Really? I never worked at Disney.

Hello, sir. Greg Warner, Vice President of Business Affairs.

When Mr. Savitsky used to run the studio, I was his right -hand man. Of

I've heard a lot about you.

And this is Mike Worley.

He is my right -hand man.

Nice to meet you.

Oh.

So you already have a right -hand man?

Yes, he does.

And you're in my seat, Junior.

Mercer?

Savitsky, I hope this little change in power isn't awkward for you.

Please. I've been around long enough to know that these things happen.

The important thing in this business is to roll with the changes.

What's wrong with this coffee?

We switched to tea.

Son of a bitch.

Cheerio. Obviously, when there is a new boss, there are going to be some

changes.

And this morning, Mike, he boosted the morale of some of our lower -level

employees by giving them meaningless bumps in title.

For example, our janitors are now... Cleaning associates.

That's very nice.

Thank you.

My idea.

Somebody call security?

Ah, yes. Thank you.

Please, stand by the door, officer.

Sergeant.

Sergeant Hughes, you made us sergeants, remember?

You made us all sergeants.

Paul, I don't think you need to have security guards at our meeting.

This place is pretty safe. In fact, we haven't had a real incident since the

time Anne Heche broke into Stage 18 and tried to drive the Starship Enterprise.

That's true. I mean, the only time you call security is if we're locked out of

our office. Or, you know, we need someone to escort it off the lot because

were fired.

Please tell me you're locked out of your office.

Listen.

This isn't easy for me.

But since I have Mike here and he serves the same function as Greg and Stuart,

well, somebody has to leave.

Well, I know the metric system, sir. I mean, you know, just in case we're

switching.

Metric is a skill I have.

Some might say I have it by the kilo.

You can relax, Greg. Due to your exemplary record, I'm keeping you.

Unfortunately, Stuart, I'm letting you go.

George, don't look at me. I'm sucking on Earl Grey down here.

Unfortunately, that's not all.

George, I'm letting you go, too.

What? I'm sorry. I would have told you sooner. But you know what these studio

lawyers are like.

You can't just fire me.

I've been working my ass off this studio for over 12 years.

It's been my life.

Because of this place, I've lost three wives, a full head of hair, and a liver.

What do you want me to say, George?

It's just business.

Yeah, well, this is just business, too.

Warner, you're coming with me.

What's that?

You're coming with me.

What? Where?

Anywhere we want.

Ever since the rumor this takeover started to leak out last week, I've been

flooded with offers to run other studios.

I groomed this kid, and I'm taking him with me. Oh, so take him.

Mike and I flipped a coin between Greg and Stuart anyway.

What?

Officer.

Sergeant.

Sergeant.

Get Stuart back here. Right away, sir. I'll check the break room. There's a

chance he's peeing in the coffee pot.

Wait a second. You flipped a coin? I thought you kept me because of my

record. Yeah. Heads one, tails nothing.

That's how you're going to make major decisions around here? Quite frankly, I

didn't think it was that big of a decision.

Thank you.

You know what? You can keep him. I don't want to work for some jerk who's going

to decide my fate by the flip of a coin. And I'm certainly not going to work for

someone stupid enough to fire a legend in this business like Mr. George

Savitsky. You tell him, Warner.

I got a lot of good days left in this town, and you better believe there will

no greater one than the day where I get to watch you fail. And fail you will.

George Savitsky will always be on top in this business, and I will be right

there standing beside him.

Mr. Savitsky?

Come on in, Warner.

Are you okay?

I'm okay. They say it was just an anxiety attack.

And you feel they've been thorough?

Oh, are you kidding? I've been prodded and probed and fondled so much, I feel

like I should go to confession.

That makes me feel better. This morning I thought you were a goner. I'm fine.

And thanks for your loyalty.

It took a lot of guts to say what you said in that boardroom this morning.

I was just following your lead, sir.

So... What's next for us? You want to go over to Paramount? You want to start a

bidding war with Fox? You want to get some investors, start our own studio?

I'm quitting show business and devoting myself to charity work.

Excuse me?

Look, Warner, this anxiety attack was a real wake -up call.

This business was slowly killing me. I need to make a change in my life while I

still can.

But, sir, I left my job for you. I thought we were going to be partners.

Well, we still are. Come with me. We can work in a homeless shelter.

You know, we've done well. It's time to start giving back. Give back, but I'm

not done taking.

Well, you do what you want, but I'm out.

Good luck, Warner.

Thank you, sir.

Oh, and by the way, do me a favor.

Don't tell anyone about my plans for leaving show business.

Why, are you having second thoughts?

No, I'm having a two o 'clock sponge bath from a nurse who wants to be an

actress.

Okay, kids, go wash up. It's time for school.

So, uh, you want to come by work today and have lunch with me?

I thought you had to go with Logan on a field trip today.

Oh, no, no, no.

Logan's not allowed on any more field trips.

Last month at the firehouse, he kept laughing every time they said flame

retardant.

Good morning.

You know you're dressed for work and you don't have a job, right?

I had a professor in business school that said even when you're out of work,

have a job, and that job is to go out and find work.

And you have to wear a suit for that?

Wow, your imaginary boss for your imaginary job is a real imaginary

He also said dress like a loser and you'll be a loser.

One day I don't wear a suit, the next day I'll be wearing jeans, the next day

I'll be in a pair of sweatpants sitting on the sofa watching Oprah eating

Captain Crunch out of a box.

Man, I remember those days.

Me, Opa, and Captain Crunch are the closest I've ever come to a threesome.

Well, sounds like your professor gave some really good advice.

So what are you going to do today? Call a headhunter?

I've already done it. There's nothing out there.

Are you going to go meet your contacts from some of the other studios?

Nope. Don't have any.

You'd think somebody who'd worked in town for as long as you would have made

some contacts.

Yeah, you'd think that, wouldn't you?

So, what are you going to do?

I don't know, Kim.

The professor said put on a suit. He didn't give me a lecture about what you

should do when you throw your whole career down the crapper.

Come on. You'll get another job. Not like that one. I don't know what I was

thinking. It was the perfect job.

Well, so go get it back.

Oh, yeah. After what I said to Mercer in the boardroom the other day, there's no

way. There's always a way. Greg, do you know how many jobs I've had to go back

and beg for after I've been fired for doing stupid things?

It's true.

Yeah. You're looking at the guy who thought he could save space at the pet

by putting the bunnies in with the snake.

But I apologized, and they took me back.

And the next week, when I put the snakes in with the mongoose, I apologized

again.

Why shouldn't they take you back?

Who's found more ways to save the studio money than you?

Nobody. Right. And at the end of the day, it's a business.

Greg, I'm telling you, if you go in there, you apologize for what you said,

you remind them of how talented you are, there's no way they don't take you

back. You really think so? I know so. You just gotta march in there, and you

gotta refuse to take no for an answer.

I'm sorry, but you can't come on the lot. You're just going to have to take

for an answer.

Well, you're the one that told me to come down here.

No, no, no. Your friend Jimmy told you to come down here.

I'm Sergeant Hughes.

Sergeant Hughes was told by his supervisors, who were watching from that

right over there, that you are now considered a Code 45 and you are no

allowed on the lot.

Well, then that's it. I give up. I guess I'll just go home.

No. Dude, you can't quit now.

But you just told me I can't get on the lot.

No. Sergeant Hughes told you you can't get on the lot.

When I turn away from the camera and I talk like this, I'm Jimmy.

When I talk like this, I'm Sergeant Hughes.

What are you talking about?

Well, that depends on who you're asking.

I'm telling you to go home.

I'm telling you to find another way in.

This is pointless.

I hope you're happy you wasted half my day.

Oh, cry me a river. It's not my job to help jerks like you.

Good luck, buddy. I'm rooting for you.

Hey, Kim, how you doing?

Great. Christine's waiting for you. Hey, did Greg stop by?

Yeah, he didn't talk to you?

No.

Oh. All right, well, listen.

If you see him, you've got to give him a message from me.

You've got to tell him there's loose dirt under the west wall if he wants to

a tunnel.

Oh, and tell them I said it like this.

Of course, I'm terribly sorry, but... Oh, no, please will you tell Tom Cruise

that in the UK that is what we call a cigarette?

Code 45.

Warner, how are you?

Very good, sir. I just stopped by to talk to you. Did you just say code 45?

Excuse me?

I just thought I heard you say code 45, which is the security code for there's a

crazy man on the lot.

Oh, what do you mean? Like right now on the telephone?

No, no, no. I said Colt 45. You see, we just relit a movie on the rap industry,

and what better way to keep it real than with some malt liquor?

You're just stalling until security comes to get me, aren't you?

Yes. Yes, I am.

Come with me. What? Hands behind your back.

Hey, could you pretend I'm cuffing you? I forgot my handcuffs on my bedpost.

Sir, I know you were just covering, but a movie about the rap industry is a

fantastic idea.

I mean, if you need someone to spearhead the project, I'm very tapped into that

world.

Really? Yeah, I mean, in fact, rappers aren't drinking malt liquor these days.

They're drinking Cristal.

I don't know where you're getting your research from, but last night on MTV

Cribs, P. Diddy was drinking hypnotic.

Really? Well, thank you, Mike. For shizzle me nizzle.

Good morning.

Greg, your pants don't match your jacket.

You're wearing two different suits.

So what? I'll just take off the jacket.

I'm just pretending my imaginary job that it's Casual Friday.

Listen, I hope you're not going to try to sneak on the lot today.

I got your picture posted at every gate.

Don't worry, I gave him a really nice candid shot from your wedding.

I didn't want to cut the picture, so you might want to let your Uncle Rob know

that he can't come on the lot either.

This is serious. You need to perk up here.

You have to get a job.

Let's face it. We've grown accustomed to a certain lifestyle, and it's your

function to maintain that lifestyle.

It's not my only function.

It kind of is.

You don't cook. You don't clean.

You can't fix anything.

Well, I'd like to at least think there's one other function that I'm pretty good

at.

You know, upstairs.

Enjoy.

Be sure to stick around afterwards for the entertainment.

I'm going to read a few chapters from Charlotte's Web.

Okay, now listen, just focus.

If you can light his competitive fire for Hollywood, you're back in business.

Okay, got it. Hey, check it out.

This is our squeegee guy from our offering. I better go say hi.

How you doing, Mr. Savitsky?

Warner! Good God, did you blow through your entire savings in four days?

Come here, I'll give you some peas.

Oh, not these.

I'll get you the good ones that the volunteers eat in the back. No, listen.

To tell you the truth, I've been thinking about what you said about

and I came down to help out.

Well, that's fantastic!

Well, tell you what, why don't you grab some of that Salisbury steak and put it

in the blender?

Not everybody down here has the chompers for tough, cheap meat.

I gotta ask you, with all the off -ramps in the city, why do you work at ours?

You know, it's demographics.

The poor got no cash, the rich got no compassion.

I like your neighborhood.

Just enough money and just enough guilt.

Plus, there's a big bush where I can go pee at.

Well, I guess you haven't been reading the trades, have you? Nope, not a peep.

Well, it's just as well. They just keep talking about this Paul Mercer and all

the big projects he's got going.

Now he's doing this thriller where a tornado hits during an earthquake, and

you think it can't get any worse, it starts to hail.

That was my project.

That was going to be my Armageddon.

Well, not anymore, sir. Now your project is to make sure nobody's arms are

getting in the gravy.

Tell me, who's who again?

John and I are drifters.

Larry's a bum.

What's the difference?

Drifters move from place to place, but they're usually looking for work. Well,

bum stays in one place and just begs. Oh, okay. I thought drifters were the

that carried sticks with handkerchiefs on the end.

No, that's a hobo.

Okay, well, so who's more desirable, a drifter or a hobo?

You know, like, who do the bag ladies go for?

The one that doesn't have the lights.

Listen, Paul talk's a good game, but unless he lands a star, he's got

Well, that's just it. He's close to signing Jack Nicholson to a three

deal. What?

I've been working on Nicholson for the past year.

If he signs, it's because of me.

Must be aggravating to hear all this about Paul Mercer.

It's infuriating.

Sir, you're spilling soup all over the place. I don't care about the soup,

Warner. I've worked too long and too hard to let some limey fish and chip

come along and make me out a fool.

Well, unfortunately, there's not a lot we can do about that now, sir.

What? Of course there's something we can do. We can go to another studio and

crush Paul Mercer into the ground.

Yes, we can, sir. Yes, we can. What was I thinking of retiring?

This is my town.

And I'm not going to stand by and let that twerp win the game that I invented.

I'm the champ.

You are the champ, sir.

And you can tell Variety they got a new page one.

Stuffing Ski's coming back.

And I'll be standing right beside you all the way.

Sir?

Champ?

Day 12 of unemployment.

How's Greg holding up? Not bad.

He seems to have found a new routine.

Kim, get in here. Oprah's doing her favorite things.

Bring Kleenex.