Original subtitles

Well, the paint in the kitchen is almost ready for a second coat. This stinks.

When Justin's family redid their kitchen, they hired workers to do it for

Yeah, your dad was one of those workers. Why do you think we got the paint?

Besides, Dominic, now every time you go get cereal, you will proudly open the

door that you and Logan made with your father. And it will be attached to a

cabinet made by my father.

That looks like you made the doors too small. It's not the doors, it's the

cabinet. We're going to have to start all over.

Here's something you'll never see on this old house.

Yeah, that's because they weren't stuck with this old man.

Oh, Jimmy, this isn't even level. I mean, did you use a tape measure at all?

Tape measure? I don't need a tape measure.

Did Noah use a tape measure when he built the ark?

I mean, I got my own tape measure right here. I got two of these on the left and

two of these on the right.

Oh, my God, my arms are different sizes.

How's it going in here? Great.

I didn't know you were going to be in town, Big Jimmy.

I just came in to help out.

My dad's flying out tonight.

Get this, he's coming out to compete in fencing in the California Senior

Olympics. There's actually a Senior Olympics?

Yeah. You have to be 50 or over to enter, but other than that, it's just

the real Olympics.

Except your lab uses steroids if your kidney function depends on it.

I think we've got another problem in here, Jimmy, and my feet are different

sizes, too.

I think I'm going to have to order more tile for the floor.

All right, now you ready? Let's do it.

Ow!

Ow! Ow!

Time out, that hurts. I mean, you'd think there'd be some kind of guard you

could wear. Oh, there is, yeah. But I only had one.

Ow! Ow!

Hey guys, how's it going out here? Oh, great, great.

Says the man with the chest protector.

Hey, I think I'm gonna hit the bathroom.

I don't have to go right now, but it takes a while to get all this protective

gear off.

Yeah, I had four cups of coffee on the plane, and I don't want to end up

frantically messing with this crotch buckle.

Greg, listen, I'm trying to help Emily with a splinter, and Sammy really needs

bath. Can you do it for me? I can't right now, Kim. I'm busy sparring with

dad. He needs to practice against some real competition.

And you're supposed to help him with that?

Please, it took you an hour to break open the pinata at Emily's last birthday

party.

You know I had a sprained wrist.

Yeah, from cutting the cake.

The cake was frozen. I had a dull night.

Hey, man. How's it going?

Not so good. My wife's mad at me, and I think my father just inverted one of my

nipples.

It's not much better at my house. My dad thinks he's helping, but he keeps

messing things up over there. Not as handy as he said he was, huh? He

a nail yesterday.

How does that happen? He said, hey, Jimmy, look at this. I'm going to

nail.

Hey, Jimmy, I've cut the shelves up, and it looks like they're a little crooked.

Do my eyes look level to you?

Hey, Tom, how's it going? Jimmy, how are you? Good to see you. Gosh.

Hi, Big Jimmy. Hey, Tom.

So, I guess you came all the way out here to enter the Geyser Olympics, huh?

Yeah, I had to use Greg's address out here, so it looked like Austin,

California. They don't have fencing competition back there in Virginia.

See, all the guys over 50 still hold a sword up, busy doing a reenactment of

Civil War.

Oh, that sounds like fun.

That's what I thought when I volunteered last year. I got killed in the first

five minutes, and I spent the next ten hours face down in the snow.

Well, how's it work? You, like, stab the other guy before he stabs you?

Yeah, that's, uh, that's kind of the simple version of it. Yeah, uh, look,

you're holding it wrong, though, here. You want to do this, just, you hold it

like that, see? Yeah, yeah.

Then you give it this.

Yeah, yeah.

That's just out.

Hey, Dad,

you're not so bad at this.

Really? Yeah, yeah, you look like a natural. I mean, the way you move.

Thanks.

Hey, you know, if you're interested, maybe you could spar with my dad.

Yeah, go ahead. Why don't you give it a try?

Well, I don't know. He doesn't know what he's doing, I guess.

Oh, huh?

Hey, why?

Wow. Hey, Dad, you know what? Why don't you stay with prom? Why don't you guys

work out a little while?

I don't know. I was going to do some rewiring in the kitchen so you'd have

extra outlets. I mean, whoever did that kitchen the first place got a little

hung up on safety codes.

No, I'll tell you what, Dad. I'll just take care of it myself.

You stay. You work out.

Hey, Dad, you don't mind if Big Jimmy fills in for me for a while, do you?

No, no.

You know, it might be a good idea to get some practice against the different

body types.

Although I can't imagine ever seeing one like that again.

What are you doing? Now that Big Jimmy is fencing with your dad, I thought

be free to help me out. I am helping you out, Kim. I'm tracking the stock market

so I can more effectively manage our retirement portfolio.

It's our financial future, Kim.

We'll have time to be distracted by simple household chores.

Well, keep up the good work.

Just make sure there's plenty in there for when I take half.

I can live on half.

Okay, break it on.

All right, here we go.

Ready?

Ha! Ha -ha.

Ha! What are you doing?

That's not... You don't understand the rules.

When I attack, you defend.

In a real sword fight, if both guys attack... They'd end up stabbing each

and they'd both end up dead.

Not me. I'm using my long arm.

Hey.

Hey.

How's it going in the kitchen back there?

Oh, well, uh, the blades have stopped flying off the ceiling fan, which Jimmy

installed.

Yeah, apparently there's no truth to my dad's theory that the company puts extra

screws in the box just to mess with your head.

How's it going over here? Pretty good. Big Jimmy's been sparring with my dad

morning. Okay, here we go.

Ready?

That's my dad. Hard to believe it's the same guy that's been regularly taken

advantage of by the neighbor's poodle.

Oh, yeah? Well, in my defense, it wasn't some toy poodle.

It was one of those big, scary ones, you know?

Looked like a greyhound with a wig.

Well, that poodle's lucky he's not here today. That move, that was pretty

impressive. Well, it wasn't that great. I mean, I could have blocked it, but I

felt a sneeze coming on, and it turned out to be a dud, but, I mean, it kind of

threw me.

Yeah, well, I thought that move was amazing.

My son said I was a natural, and I kind of think he's right. You know, I just

started yesterday, and I think I'm doing pretty good, too.

No, you're not.

You don't have any technique. You don't follow the rules.

You don't even know the difference between a pistol grip and a French grip.

Yeah, well, I just happen to know there's certain establishments in Nevada

one will cost you $50 more than the other.

You don't know what you're talking about.

I can beat you any time. Okay, Dad, come on. Don't be silly, okay? Tom is

clearly a better fencer than you are.

Well, I'll prove it to you, because I'm going to enter the senior Olympus' own

self. What? Dad, come on, will you not? No, no, no, no, no, no, no. Look, if

your father wants to compete, let him compete.

I mean, sure, he's in tense practice regimen, but not allow him to help us

our kitchen. But that's just a sacrifice we're going to have to make in order to

support his quest for the gold.

You're nuts, you know that?

You're going to enter a tournament with no experience and no technique?

I'm not. I'll tell you, I entered the army with nothing but peach fuzz on my

face, and I showed Charlie what for. Dad, you were in Korea. Charlie was

Vietnam. No, Charlie had the bunk up above me.

Snored all night until I broke his nose.

No, you don't know what you're doing, so you came over here to steal my

technique.

Don't flatter yourself.

Yeah.

We'll see about that.

Aha, see?

I told you. I told you. Just get out of here. Would you mind keeping it down?

I'm trying to read to Tammy.

Oh, okay, Kim. We're sorry.

you're not going to leave your left side open like that in competition, are you?

They'll kill you. I mean, give me that. Let me show you what they're doing

wrong. Will you get out of here? I'm trying to practice. No, I'm serious,

I mean, I know I'm new at fencing, but if you're doing something there, I think

I can help.

Well, let's see. Got your sword.

Got your sword.

You're going to have a lot of defense unless I won't have this sword.

Stop it. I'm telling you. Cut it out. I mean it.

Jimmy, you've got to come get your dad out of our yard. Why? What's wrong?

He and Tom are arguing and bickering like little kids. I would put them both

over my knee and spank them if I didn't think Greg's dad would cry and your dad

would like it.

Dad, you've got to come home.

Why? Because you're bothering Kim and you're bothering Tom. Just come back to

the house and relax.

I can't relax. I've got to get ready for the Senior Olympics here.

Come on, Dad. You really don't think you've got a chance to win, do you?

of course I do.

You said yourself I was a natural.

Yeah, Dad, listen.

The only reason I said that is so you wouldn't help us with the kitchen

What? I'm sorry, but you kept messing things up. Christine was losing her

patience. Well, I can't help it if you and Christine or Dad in particular are

about the way kitchen looks.

I mean, every little thing has to be just... Perfect. No, okay, Dad, you just

slap everything together willy -nilly that there's no right angles. I mean, my

kitchen looks like it was built by Dr. Seuss.

Maybe I'm not the best carpenter in the world, but I can fence.

No, Dad, you can't fence. See, you do this all the time. You shoot your mouth

off about how great you're going to be at something, and then when it comes

to prove it, you make a big fool out of yourself, okay? Just like you did with

fixing up the house. Yeah, well, this is different. I mean, if you think I can't

beat a bunch of old codgers at fencing, then you're crazy.

They like shooting cats in a barrel.

Yeah, Dad, it's shooting fish in a barrel, not shooting cats in a barrel.

Clearly you were too young to remember our trip to Uncle Jack's farm.

Then again, it's probably for the best.

This is really cool.

It's nice to know there's a place for people to compete in athletics when they

get older.

When you think of it, it's a beautiful thing.

Yeah, that's what I thought until I saw the wrinkly old swim team warming up.

It looked like a pool and cocoon after it lost its powers.

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the California Senior Olympics.

The fencing competition will begin in two minutes.

Hear that, Tom? Two minutes. You better get your shoes tied there. End the game,

Tom. End the game.

Well, son, you ready to watch your old man carve up these old geezers like a

Thanksgiving turkey?

Dad, please don't do this, okay? You're just going to embarrass yourself.

Yeah, I heard the first ten times you said that. I got ears, you know.

One may be a quarter inch higher than the other, but they both work.

Our first match is Michael Futrell from San Diego versus Tom Warner from

West Los Angeles.

Ready? Fence!

Ha!

Some unfortunate news.

In the match of Hughes versus Swirling, Mr.

Swirling has to withdraw because...

His gout has not responded to medication.

Winner, Hughes.

Ready? Ten.

You've got to move.

But the moon.

In the match of Hughes versus

Propek, Mr. Propek has had to withdraw because

he's fallen and he can't get out.

Tom Warner against James Hughes.

Both men to the fencing strip, please.

Come on, Dad. Go get him.

Fire up the campfire, son. Your old man's about to put a wiener on a stick.

Ready?

Fence.

Foul on Hughes for running off the strip.

You didn't tell me I couldn't do that. Well, you can't.

call these ticky -tack rules all day long? Come on, come on, come on. Give me

sword back. Let's go.

Foul on Hughes.

Unsportsmanlike conduct.

What? That's three fouls. Hughes is disqualified.

Warner wins the match.

Ha -ha. See? I told you.

Rules, Big Jimmy. Ha -ha. This is discipline sports.

This isn't like some knife fight in an alley.

You want to win? You got to play by... the rules. Well, rules is very important

to you. How come you lied about living in California?

He don't even live there. He's ineligible. He lives somewhere where

to Virginia.

Is that true?

Well, yes and no.

I'm bi -coastal. I have a house in Virginia, but I also have a blockbuster

from just down the street.

I'm sorry.

You're disqualified.

Rules, Tom.

You gotta play by the rules.

What? I'm back. Hey, boss. We'll

be

right

back.

All right, Mr. Hughes.

Come back in a few days to get that wound checked out. In the meantime, be

thinking about what color glass eye you want.

What are you thinking?

Thinking I was right.

I'm thinking you're an idiot.

I'm thinking because you had to shoot your big mouth off, you almost got

yourself killed.

No, I mean, what do you think about the glass eye?

You know, I was thinking brown. I already got a blue one. You know,

colors. Kind of like a husky or David Bowie.

Dad, you know something? I really, I have to know why.

Why do you always have to pretend you're great at something you're not?

Maybe, just maybe one day I'd like to do something to make you proud of me.

What are you talking about?

You don't think your father's good at anything, unlike Greg, who can't stop

bragging about his father's fencing, or your kids who think you're the greatest

thing in the world.

I mean, just for once in my life, I'd like to do something to make you proud

me. I don't know how much time I have left.

Dad, I don't know what to say.

It's a big man to admit those kind of feelings. I'm impressed.

Will you say you're proud of me?

Sure, I'm proud.

I'll take it.

Hey, guys. Hey, Big Jimmy. How you doing?

I'm fine, thanks.

Tom, I'm sorry I poked your eye out.

I'm sorry I poked your eye out.

On the bright side, next year, maybe we can enter the Senior Special Olympics.

Friends?

Huh? Oh, yeah.

Hey, Dad, where are you going?

I'm going back down to the Senior Olympics. Today they're doing Greco

wrestling. I think I got a chance to medal.

Some unfortunate news.

In the wrestling match of Hughes versus Mariano, Mr.

Mariano has to withdraw due to a

misjudgment with his stool softener prescription.

unfortunate news.

In the match of Hughes versus Kleckner, Mr.

Kleckner had to withdraw because his Levitra worked.

Winner, Hughes.

Some unfortunate news.

In the match of Hughes versus

Robertson.

Mr. Robertson has to withdraw because...

Well, let's just have a moment of silence

for Mr.

Robertson.