Original subtitles

Can I help you with those bags?

Can I help you with those bags, sweetheart?

Now you want to help me with bags? Where were you when that old bag took my

parking spot at the mall?

Okie dokie, kids. Why don't you go play before you hear Mommy use any more of

those naughty words?

That old lady clearly stole my parking spot, and you totally took her side.

Kim, I just thought you were trying to squeeze into a space that didn't belong

to you. Nice, Greg. Thanks.

I'll remember that tonight when you try to squeeze into a space that doesn't

belong to you.

Hey. Hey.

Jim, you still working on the thing?

Yeah. Yeah, I just thought I'd come over and pick up some of the mail I didn't

forward to her.

How's the house coming along?

Good. Good. Actually, um, it's in good enough shape that we wanted to invite

guys next door for a barbecue tomorrow.

Oh, that is so sweet. I didn't know you guys got a barbecue.

We didn't, but your barbecue has wheels and our friends have the gate.

Gotcha. Hey, Jimmy, how much longer are you going to be? We've got a lot of

stuff to do.

Jimmy?

Why don't you just sleep?

You're not going to tell him he's got a Brillo pad stuck to his face?

Are you kidding?

That's the guy who let me spend a whole Easter Sunday with a maxi pad stuck to

the back of my dress.

You got a wife that can't end up with you.

You know, it gives the food a little extra flavor.

What are the mesquites?

Lincoln log.

Hey, great job on the stuffed mushrooms, Christine. Did you steal my recipe?

No, I stole your mushroom.

Well, you sure did pick a great wine.

This is one of my favorites and not easy to find.

In fact, I'm down to my last. This is ours, too, isn't it?

Yeah, right, it's yours. Look, can you guys at least pretend to be surprised

when your key lime pie comes out?

Don't worry about it. We're just glad you had it, Silver.

And by the way, the house looked great.

I tell you what, wait till I get done with the yard.

I'm going to put in a hammock, make a clubhouse for the boys, and even put in

regulation horseshoe pit.

Some of my best memories growing up was playing horseshoes with my dad.

Aw, that's sweet.

Yeah, it was one of the few times we'd throw heavy objects at each other and

actually get points for it.

Where are you going to put the horseshoe pit?

Right along the fence.

Yeah, but there's a tree there.

Yeah, we're going to cut that down.

What? Do you have to?

Unless beavers come and do it for me.

I sure will hate to see this tree go. It gives me lemons for my tea, shades my

bedroom from the morning sun. When I open up the windows at night, I get to

to sleep to the sweet smell of citrus.

Is there any way you can help me out here?

Sure can. I get you some coffee, some drapes, and a lemon -scented glade plug

-in.

Look, Jimmy, I know this is your yard, and I want you to do whatever makes you

happy, but in the spirit of being good neighbors...

Could I ask you to consider not cutting down that tree, neighbor?

How can I say no to that?

Huh? How can I say no to that? I tell you what, don't worry, neighbor. All

right, the tree stays. I will find another place to put the horseshoe pit.

you, neighbor, and I will gladly return the favor someday.

All right, kids, food's ready. Come and get it. Here we go.

All right, here's one for you. Thank you.

There's one for you.

Mine's too pink.

Make it a little more well done.

He's awfully choosy for a kid who ate his own goldfish.

Have a successful evening.

You know, I think that's the first time you and I ever served mushrooms at a

party where that giant lizard playing a banjo didn't show up.

This isn't going to work. I can't put a regulation horseshoe court right here.

There's no room for my backswing.

You'll be fine.

Christine, I'm a high arch pitcher. Say, I'm nothing without my backswing.

So just make the court shorter.

Shorter? Well, yeah, why don't we make everything shorter? Why don't we make

Indianapolis 500 the Indianapolis 12?

Yeah, good. Maybe I'd watch it.

You know, I can't go east -west because of the sun glare.

No, and I can't put it here because the limbs are in the way. The tree's got to

go.

Jimmy, if it were any other neighbor besides Greg, I'd say cut it down. But,

know, he's done a lot for us, and he did ask nicely.

You're right. It's just frustrating.

It's like I finally got a yard to call my own.

It's like what? So if I want to trim the hedge, I got to ask Greg?

You know, if I want to build a clubhouse for the boys, do I need his permission?

I want to swing naked on a tire swing. Is Greg going to have a problem with

that?

Jimmy, everyone's going to have a problem with that.

Especially the tire.

Jim, do you like this belt?

Yeah. I liked it better when I bought it for me.

Oops. Do me a favor. Don't tell anyone your husband can fit into the same belt

as you.

Don't worry. That's not something I'm going to shout from the rooftops.

Hi, Kim.

You're dry and fixed. You just had a bunch of lint clogging your exhaust

Thanks. I don't know what we would do without your help.

Can I keep this?

Yeah, I guess. Why?

I gotta tape a tail on it, make it look like a rat, and stick it in the back of

Christine's closet.

It's a little payback for making me go all the way to the grocery store wearing

a Brillo pad.

Hey, Jimmy, speaking of helping us out, any idea when you're going to finish

painting the guest room like you promised?

Dude, I forgot about that.

Yeah, it's kind of been a while now, and I was hoping you'd get to it before my

mom visits this month.

She's visiting again already?

Yes. She wants to see the kids. She's getting older. She's not going to be

around forever.

You keep promising that.

Look, you did a great job the first time. It's just the pink color kind of

my mom. She says it reminds her of being in a giant womb.

Your mom is sort of a giant womb.

That's nice.

Not the way I say it.

Listen, I'm just kind of backed up with stuff in my own house, you know? Well,

you know, we could always hire someone. Hey, hey, I'll handle this.

But I... Jim, me and Jimmy have an agreement, okay?

How he's always kind of paid us back for living here so many years is by helping

us out around the house. Okay, look, I know I made a promise, and believe me, I

should have done it before I moved out. It's just that, you know, since I'm so

backed up with stuff in my own house, I was thinking, you know, since we're

neighbors now, and I was just thinking, you know, perhaps in the spirit of being

good neighbors, you know, you'd consider letting me slide on this. What do you

say, neighbor?

I don't think so.

What? Hey.

Tim, my mom is visiting, and me and Jimmy have a deal.

So wait a second.

All that nice neighbor stuff doesn't work when it's something I want, only

you want me to not cut down that stupid tree.

The tree is not stupid. I roll out of my bed every morning, and I reach out of

my window and pick a fresh lemon for my morning tea. There's no better way to

start the day. Well, you know what? Instead of grabbing my lemons, maybe you

should roll the other way and grab one of Kim's. Hey!

Seems to me a better way to start the day.

You apologize to Kim right now.

That's all right.

Truth is, I wouldn't mind a little squeeze.

Greg, listen, okay?

Me keeping that tree means that I'm not going to get the yard that I always

dreamed of. And you've got to give me credit, man.

I'm making a painful sacrifice for you. Oh, you want to talk about a painful

sacrifice? Try coming down those stairs every morning for four years and finding

you and your tidy whities.

Let me tell you something. By the last year, they weren't so tidy.

And they weren't so whitey.

What the hell are you doing down there?

What do you mean?

Well, it's bad enough that you're telling Jimmy when I do and don't

lemons, but... I mean, when I'm in the middle of an argument, you're supposed

back me up. Why? I thought you were wrong.

Well, it doesn't matter if I'm wrong. United we stand, Kim. It's one of the

rules of marriage.

Since when?

Since God made Adam eat Eve's rib.

Whatever it is.

Well, this must be a new rule because you shouldn't back me up the other day

when that old lady took my parking spot at the mall. Are you still holding on to

that? It was humiliating. We stood there yelling and you totally took her side.

Kim, she barely spoke any English. I'm sure she didn't even know what side I

on. You stood behind me and went... Well, this is different. She didn't live

our guest house for four years.

Now, Jimmy owes me. I expect you to back me up.

Don't you dare cut that tree!

What's that?

I can't hear you.

Yes, yes, it has.

That tree has thorns, you know.

Yes, it has.

I'm going to need some Band -Aids, please.

What's going on?

Oh, Greg, nice climbing.

I thought you were afraid of heights.

Yeah, thanks for reminding me of my fears, Christine. What's next, you going

send the clown from Poltergeist up here?

Greg's up there because he's trying to stop me from cutting down a tree.

I can't believe this. You guys are really going to fight over a horseshoe

No. It's not about a horseshoe pit, Christine. It's about my dignity, okay?

still expects me to do whatever he tells me to do. I have my own house now, and

I should have my own rules.

You owe me.

Jimmy, just put the chainsaw down, all right? We talked about this. Uh -huh. It

doesn't sound like she's on your side, Jimmy.

Hard to be successful when you don't have the support of your own wife.

Ow!

Thanks for the Band -Aids, honey.

Christine, can you toss those up to me?

Why don't you just come down and get him? You and I have to go to the office

anyway. Ha ha! Hey, have a nice day at work, sucker.

You have to work, too. Ha ha ha!

Have a nice day at work, sucker fool.

Uh, you know what?

I think I'm going to call in sick.

Then I'm going to call in sick, too.

Christine, when you get to the office, forward all the calls to my cell phone.

Today, I will be working out of the tree.

Just great to just kick back and relax for the day, huh?

Especially on a nice, comfy lawn chair.

Yeah.

Tell you one thing a lawn chair doesn't have.

Thorns.

Yeah, another thing a lawn chair doesn't have. Lemons.

Oh,

yeah, that's real mature.

That's real mature. But actually, see, you're wrong.

It does have lemons.

You know what else it's got? It's got pine cones, too.

Ow! Ow!

Ow! I didn't throw anything.

Ow, I got lemon juice in my thorn hole.

Mm.

Mm.

Mm.

Are you hungry?

No. Come on, man, you didn't have breakfast.

Not even your precious tea.

I'm fine.

All right, listen, time out, okay?

I know we're fighting, okay, but it's hot, and I know you've got your blood

sugar issues, so listen, I don't want you to get dizzy and fall, so seriously,

if you start to feel woozy, just let me know, and I'll get you something to eat,

okay?

I, uh, maybe I can go for a little something.

I don't want you to suck a lemon, jackass.

Yeah, we got the first contract, but we can't sign off until Part C has

provisions for it.

The contract's Part C needs provisions for the... Sorry,

there's a crow.

A crow.

I am in a tree.

Right?

Anyway, before we can sign off, Part C needs provisions for... Ow!

Sorry, a neighbor just hit me with a rock.

A rock!

Phil out here?

Greg, why haven't you answered your cell phone?

I dropped my phone and Jimmy won't give it back. Oh, yeah, by the way, my

cousin's station in Tokyo says, Konnichiwa.

Look, Savitsky's looking for you. Got that meeting with Mel Gibson at 2 o

'clock. Oh, man, I can't reschedule that. He always calls up and curses at

And when Mel says go to hell, you think you just might.

Well, well, well. I'll tell you what. Why don't you run off to your meeting,

I'm going to go find my chainsaw.

And you tell Mel that if he's interested in making another Bible movie, I'm

going to have some good wood for a cross.

Well, I'll tell you, take some lemons, because they won't be there later.

Jimmy, you're not going to cut this tree down. Oh, yeah? Why not?

there. Christine, don't move.

Hey, you can't tell my wife what to do. Hey, she might be your wife, but from

nine to five, she's my assistant.

Christine, I'll relieve you when I get back from my meeting with Mel.

Sorry, I'm on the clock.

Good night, Tarzan.

Good night, Cheetah.

Well, I fed, bathed, and put the children to bed all by myself.

Hope you're enjoying your little vacation in the trees.

How about a little support here? United We Stand, remember?

Yeah, like at the mall.

Will you drop that already?

That woman probably didn't even know what I was doing.

I mean, who knows? Maybe this in Russian means have a nice day.

And maybe this means have a nice night.

tree, didn't you? Relax, you'll find.

Yeah, luckily you fell on top of me.

Yeah, four years of patting your body with free Doritos and ho -hos finally

off.

I knew this was gonna happen. Oh, yeah, please.

Like you knew I was gonna be startled by a wild animal.

What happened? That crow come back and scare you?

It was a spider. It crawled into my ear. It might have laid eggs. We don't know

yet.

You could have killed yourself.

Right, man, come on. Dude, this is getting crazy.

Okay, you could have broken your neck.

I don't want to see you get hurt.

So I'm going to go get you some ice for your leg. And seriously, dude, we just

sit down and talk about this.

Thanks. I think that might be a good idea.

You are so lucky you weren't seriously hurt.

No, it kind of puts it all in perspective.

It's crazy.

I'm out there risking life and limb to save the life of some limbs.

You were working on that before the fall, weren't you? I had a little time

hands today.

Well, I'm glad that you and Jimmy are going to work things out. No, it's

ridiculous.

Why are we fighting all the time? We're friends.

Hey, Jimmy, could you bring me some water, too, please?

Jimmy?

Son of a bitch!

I can't believe you're not dead.

You are acting like an idiot.

I'm doing what I have to do.

Any man would do the same thing that was standing in my shoes.

Where are my shoes?

I think I got stuck when we pulled you out of the earth.

So Greg, this is nuts.

Okay, clearly this means a lot more to you than it means to me. I'm done.

Okay, I'm not going to cut down the three.

Seriously? Seriously.

Well, thank you. That means a lot to me.

I'm not going to get my horseshoe, Pitt, but...

At least now we're even.

Excuse me?

We're even.

Jimmy, you've been living in my guest house for four years. We're not even

one treat.

Greg, drop it already. United we stand, Kim. United we stand.

Okay, so, um, wait a second, Greg. When does it end? What do I need to do to get

even? You need to help me as much as I've helped you, which will never happen

because I don't need your help. Therefore, we will never be even. Look,

never get even, why am I even trying? You can go jump off your roof for all I

care. I'm cutting down the tree. No, you're not.

Oh, yes, I am. Well, you're going to have to go through me to do it. Oh,

an end to this.

I am sick of listening to the two of you arguing, and I'm not going to raise our

kids by myself while you sit in a tree like that crazy hippie chick on

United we stand, Kim. You're supposed to back me up here.

Yeah, well, you were supposed to back me up in the mall the other day. I don't

know about you and Jimmy, but at least now we're even.

Talk about crazy. They should put your nutty ass on Dateline.

Well, I guess you won.

Hope you're happy.

Sometimes an argument gets so crazy and out of hand that the reason you started

fighting ends up seeming so petty.

Even though you won, you don't end up feeling good about it.

This is not one of those times.

Boys, grab your rosin! We're pinching some shoes!