Original subtitles

Hey, Jimmy. Hey, Kim.

Any big plans for your day off today?

Uh, yeah, if I can finish this next level of Crash Bandicoot, I'm gonna

the afternoon fighting the Germans.

What, did you get a World War II game?

No, the Von Goetz is next door. Their damn dog keeps barking all night.

Jimmy, are you sure you want to play video games? It's a beautiful, sunny

Yeah, tell me about it. I had to put newspaper on the window to keep the sun

glare off the TV.

Yeah, Kim, you might want to pull up your pants a little. I can see your

underwear.

Oh, yeah, I know.

I have to take my car into the dealership today, and I was hoping to

the mechanic from the fact that the warranty ran out three weeks ago.

Hey, tell me something. How much can you see when I accidentally drop my keys?

Uh, yeah.

Yeah, I think you're going to be all right.

Does your husband know you do this kind of thing to get a discount?

Are you kidding?

That tightwad?

Who do you think drew the butterfly tattoo on the crack of my ass?

Hello. Hey, it's me.

Hey, what's up?

Oh, I just had a few minutes. I thought I'd call and see how your day off was

going. It's pretty good. Just picking up around the house, you know.

I wish I could do the same.

Today has been a total nightmare.

I mean, first, the copier broke, right? You have no idea what a hassle that is.

Uh -huh. Plus, my computer about to survive.

I got my patches to try and fix it.

Uh -huh. And even though my computer's down...

Uh -huh.

Uh -huh.

Great, so you think that's a good idea, too?

Uh... Yeah, I mean, if... If you think

it's a good idea, then so do I.

All right, so you'll take care of that for me, then?

Uh, yeah, sure.

Oh.

Thank you so much, honey. You're gonna save me so much time.

You know what? I gotta go. That's Greg's phone.

Okay, bye -bye.

I'm going out of the driveway and I realize that I have a black tire.

Where are you going?

To put on a push -up bra. Our AAA guy's a boob man.

Watch out, sir! You got a wife that keeps in love with you.

Yes, sir! She's sending all her broken photos to you. Yes, sir! And you live

your life the best you can.

Yes, sir! See your family through something grand.

Yes, sir! It's family, it's family, it's family. Yes, sir!

It's family, it's family, it's family.

was the sexiest assistant on the lot?

I don't know. Last time I saw her, she was coming out of Savitsky's office

wearing a sweater inside out.

What are you doing here on your day off?

Well, you know, after you called me this morning, I just, I started to miss you.

Really? Yeah, you know, it's weird, but the way you called and told me to do

that thing, you just sounded so sexy on the phone, you know?

Wade just kind of, like, ordered me around. It was so, so hot.

Do it again.

What? Tell me what you told me this morning.

You said to do it just like you did it before.

It's so, so sexy.

Jimmy, seriously, you need to... Oh.

Okay, stop it, stop it.

But remember that spot.

Come on, Christine, order me around.

Jimmy, I am at work.

So what? We've done it at every job you've ever had.

Okay, and you worked as a school crossing guard.

Come on, leave me alone. I got a lot of work to do.

Fine, I'll go say hi to Greg.

I'm sorry to say you've changed, Christine.

I don't know what happened to my wild woman with an orange vest and a whole

little stop sign, but if you see her, tell her Jay Walker needs a spanking.

What are you doing here on your day off? Greg, I'm in serious trouble and I need

your help.

Would you lose your wedding ring at Hooters again?

That was one time and I didn't lose it. I accidentally swallowed it, sucking

wing sauce off my finger.

Charming. Listen, anyway, Christine called me this morning to talk, okay?

But I was playing PlayStation, so I wasn't really listening.

Well, next thing I know, I agreed to do something, but I don't know what it is I

agreed to. Yeah.

I tune Kim out all the time. It drives her crazy.

Last month, she called the house, and instead of listening to her, I was

preoccupied with something on my computer.

It's just so hard, you know?

They talk so much.

Look, I don't think you have a choice. I think you're just going to have to tell

her the truth. No, I can't.

We already got into an argument about this last week.

Christine asked me to help Dominic with his homework, but I was really busy

concentrating on something else.

Football game?

No, E! True Hollywood Story, The Barbie Twins.

Anyway, I forgot to help Dominic with his homework, and Christine yelled at me

for like an hour.

That's what I think she was yelling at me about. I kind of tuned her out after

while.

Well, look, why don't I ask her to come in here, and that way you can go look at

her desk.

She's pretty organized. I'm sure whatever she wanted you to do is written

somewhere on her calendar.

Yeah, you know, it's worth a shot.

Christine, can I see you a second?

I'll be right there.

Look, I'll keep her tied up in here while you go look on our desk for her to

list. All right, thanks, Greg. And while you're there, can you flip it over to

October 16th and put a big circle around it? Yeah, why? Because that's Boss's

Day, and this year I don't want to be the only idiot on the elevator without a

balloon.

Okay, I'll be back. I'm just going to go call somebody.

Why don't you use Gretel?

No.

Not on the phone. Just... Just call.

Hey, Steve!

What do you need?

I need you to help me, um... feng shui my office.

Feng Shui, you're off. Yeah, I've been reading a lot about it, how the way

furniture is arranged in a room can pump up your productivity and even affect

your mood.

Yeah, I don't know, Greg. It sounds kind of stupid.

Yeah, but is that you talking or is that the negative energy in the air because

that chair's facing west?

Or are you talking out of your ass because you're not facing reality?

Come on, let's just try it real fast. Take that plant over there and put it by

the window on that table and see if we can create a better vibe in here because

it's tense in here right now. I can just really feel it.

A little further.

A couple more inches.

A little bit further.

Stop. Stop.

What do you think?

I think you smoked some of this plant before I came in here.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. We're not done yet. Let's just move the couch.

Let's just move the couch a little bit.

You know what? You know what? I think the couch is probably pretty good where

is.

Are we done with this? Because we'd like to get back to work. Look at that. We

moved one plant and already you're being more productive. Go get them, sister.

So, did you find out what she wanted you to do? Yeah, I wrote down everything on

her to -do list, but I just don't know which one I'm supposed to do.

So, do all of them. That way you'll get credit for doing what she wanted you to

do, plus you'll look great because you did everything else.

Perfect.

Hey, how did you keep Christine in here while I was out of her death?

I told her I wanted to do feng shui in my office.

Oh, yeah, I mean, who wouldn't?

Unfortunately, I think she's still married to Woody Allen.

Today was a very good day.

What happened?

Well, I called Jimmy at home this morning.

Hello. Hey, it's me.

Hey, what's up?

Oh, I just had a few minutes. I thought I'd call and see how your day off was

going. Oh, it's pretty good. Just picking up around the house, you know.

Wish I could say the same.

Today has been a total nightmare.

First, the copier broke, right? You have no idea what a hassle that is.

Uh -huh. Plus, my computer got this virus, so I'm going to lose half my day

downloading patches to try and fix it.

Uh -huh. And even though my computer's down, Greg still needs me to organize

the budget reports for the month. Anyway, I'm going to be working late

What do you think we should do about dinner?

Uh -huh.

Jimmy.

You're not listening to me, are you?

Jimmy, have you been having sex dreams about you and James Earl Jones?

Uh -huh.

Uh -huh.

Great! So, you think that's a good idea, too?

Uh... Yeah, I mean, if... If you think

it's a good idea, then, uh...

So do I.

Great. Great. So you'll take care of that for me then?

Uh, yeah.

Sure. Oh, thank you so much, honey. You're saving me so much time. Oh, you

what? There's Greg's phone. Gotta go. Bye.

You're evil.

Yep. There's nothing like a little revenge.

You know, I have him so confused that he actually came by on his day off and had

your idiot husband try and help him.

Christine, can I see you for a second?

I'll be right there.

I'll keep her in here while you go look on her desk for her.

Lucky for me, Greg doesn't know how to use the intercom system.

He's not a real whiz when it comes to technology.

I gave him a camera phone for his birthday.

Every time he tries to check his messages, he emails me a picture of his

Yeah, well, I'm sick of Jimmy wasting my time and not listening to me, so I

wrote a little to -do list that should keep him pretty busy.

Isn't it great how we can use guilt to make them do work?

Anytime Greg wants to play golf, the first thing he does is dust the entire

living room.

Jimmy rubs my feet.

Idiot.

Hey, ladies.

Hey.

What's all that?

I was just out running some errands and picking up some dry cleaning.

Great.

Also, while I... was out, I, uh, I went grocery shopping.

Terrific.

And, uh, actually, I did something you may or may not have expected. I, uh,

picked up some picture frames.

Oh, fantastic. Honey, they're perfect. Thank you so much.

Yeah.

That's right.

I got the picture frames.

You are so thoughtful. Oh, Christine, come on. You are my wife.

Paying attention to you and your needs is important to me.

Thanks, honey.

You're the best.

Oh,

and you're still going to do that other thing we talked about this morning,

right?

Yeah, I'm going to get that done.

This is the greatest thing ever.

Hey, do you think you could get him to vacuum out my minivan? Hey, Geppetto,

your own puppet.

Hey, how'd it go with Christine?

Terrible. Your idea didn't work.

I did everything on a to -do list, but whatever she asked me to do wasn't on

Well, now that I think about it... If she asked you to do it, she probably

wouldn't put it on her to -do list.

You couldn't figure that out before I broke the third of my ten personal

commandments?

Thou shalt not enter the yarn barn?

Relax, I'm sure whatever she wants you to do is going to come out eventually.

Yeah, but what if it's something time -specific and I miss it?

Well, you could hint around some more.

I also know what I'm up to.

Why don't you try getting her drunk?

Please, that won't work. She's actually smarter when she's drunk.

It's how nature built her to survive.

It's like how owls can see at night or Donovan McNabb can throw better on the

run.

You want me to talk to Kim? I'm sure whatever she wants you to do, Kim's

to know about it.

Really? You'd do that for me?

Ah, come on. It's not that big a deal. It's not like I'm agreeing to help you

move. Although I would. I'm always available to help you move.

I know. You wrote that on my birthday card.

Listen, how are you going to ask Kim without telling her why you're asking

Are you kidding? She's easy. All I got to do is a little dusting and get

whatever I want out of her.

Nice. I rubbed Christine's feet.

Idiots.

Listen, Sammy and Emily both have birthday parties to go to this weekend,

don't even think about playing golf.

I want to play golf.

Hey, I promised Jimmy I'd go with him somewhere to do something for Christine,

but I can't remember what it was.

She didn't happen to say anything to you about where she wanted him to go, did

she?

Why don't you ask Jimmy?

I could, but I don't know where he is, and I was going to do some laundry, and

wanted to know what to wash so I would wear the right thing to go to the place

that she wants him to go.

Now that I think of it, Christine did mention that she asked Jimmy to go pick

something up for her.

She did? What was it?

A lamp.

Ah, a lamp. That's right, that's right. I remember Jimmy saying something about

that.

Where did she want him to pick it up? At a pottery barn or a crate and stuff?

Bakersfield. Come again? Her lamp needs to be picked up in Bakersfield. She

bought it on eBay.

They can't ship it? Too fragile.

You know, it's really nice of you to offer to go with them.

It shouldn't take you guys more than six hours or so.

I'll go check her email for the address.

Jimmy, we have to go to Bakersfield to pick up a lamp.

Yeah, that's right, a lamp.

She bought it on eBay.

No, too fragile.

I don't know, glass, wicker, conch shells, I don't know. Next time, listen

your wife.

Check on the kids?

Yep. The second movie was ending, so I put in a third.

For the next two hours, they're in the warm, capable paws of Air Bud.

Hey, remember when you first had kids and you said you'd never let them watch

TV?

I used to shave my legs more than once a month, too.

Here's to giving up.

You know, guys have been gone a long time.

Where exactly did you send them?

I don't know.

I just put down a fake address.

If they're going to waste our time by not listening to us, let them waste a

Saturday looking for an imaginary lamp.

Hey, you know what? When they get back, we should tell them that since we had to

watch the kids all day, that they have to watch them and we can go out to

dinner. That... It's a brilliant idea. You are so smart.

Well, I've had a few.

Oh, my God.

What happened?

We've gotten to an accident.

I think we're lost again.

What is the address?

1234 Maple Street. I don't even see it on this map.

Let me see this map.

Where are we on this thing?

Right here.

What street are we on?

Cow. I don't see Cow Street. No, cow!

Cow!

Well,

that would have been just perfect. A whole lifetime of struggling with

intolerance to be killed by a cow.

That's it.

Call on Christine and make sure we get the right ad read.

Hey, Logan, it's your dad. Is Mom home?

Yeah, she's in the backyard with Aunt Kim. Did you guys find that wild goose

yet?

What? I heard Mommy and Aunt Kim laughing because they sent you on a wild

chase.

Really, what else did you hear?

Uh -huh.

Uh -huh.

Uh -huh.

Okay, thanks, buddy.

Hey, listen, don't tell your mom that we called. I want to surprise her.

Okay? Yeah.

Yeah, okay. We'll try to find that goose for you.

What? They're screwing with us.

What?

They gave us a fake address. They must have been on to us the entire time. It's

not funny. We could have had an accident while we were fumbling with that map.

Yes, we could have, Greg.

Yes, we could have.

And while we were both looking at the map, we swerved to avoid a cow and ran

right into a ditch.

Oh, my God.

Are you okay?

I don't know, man.

My head went forward and hit the dash. I think I pulled something on my neck.

Do we have a heating pad or anything?

Yeah, I think there's one in the guest house.

I'll help you find it.

Oh, my God, this is great. You see how guilty they look?

I could have to rub her feet for like a year.

Oh, my God, I feel terrible. They could have been killed.

Christine, I think I may have to tell Greg the truth.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no. You're not getting me in trouble with Jimmy because

your stupid idea.

You're driving to Bakersfield tomorrow, and you're bringing back a lamp.

I can't. You can, and you will.

Have you seen your husband's cast out there? You know, they make it in smaller

sizes.

Greg, where's your cast?

I'm feeling better.

What is that?

This is for you guys.

We found that wild goose you were looking for.