Original subtitles

Hey. Making cookies, huh?

Yeah. They're for Sammy and Logan's school picnic.

I made a different one for each kid in the class and wrote their name in

frosting.

What's that one with all the dots?

Oh, that's for the blind kid.

Ah, you're really knocking yourself out.

I'm just bringing jello.

Jello's good. You want me to help you make it?

Make it?

I was just going to tip a spoon to each box.

Hello. Hey, what's up, guys?

You guys are home from work late. Yeah, my new assistant quit, so I had a lot of

extra work to do at the end of the day. I don't believe it. I just spoke to

Paula this morning. It seemed like she was in a really good mood.

I don't know what to tell you. Two weeks in and she quits. I came back from

lunch and there was nothing but a spinning chair and the faint smell of

patchouli oil.

Well, I thought your assistant was a guy named Grant.

No, Grant was two assistants ago.

You know, my favorite one was Frank.

He was so considerate.

And whenever I'd sneak into your office to take a nap, I'd always wake up with a

blanket over me.

I just hope it's not me. I'd hate to think that everyone's quitting because

some kind of a jerk.

I doubt they think you're some kind of a jerk.

Yeah, I'm sure they think of you as a very unique and special kind of jerk.

Hey, just because I'm rude to you doesn't mean I'm rude to actual people,

I try very hard to be nice to everybody.

When it's somebody's birthday at work, I'm the one that brings the cake.

Yeah, you bring a gluten -free carrot cake with no nuts.

Why shouldn't I get to have a piece?

I close this chemistry book, I know my college days will soon be over.

It's funny because after I opened my chemistry book, I knew my college days

would soon be over.

I just hope I can get a job. You know, I mean, I've sent out tons of resumes.

I've got nothing but rejection.

Hey, Christine, I told you guys to stop worrying about these things. These

things will work out. They always do, you know.

Just relax.

You know, watch some TV. Get your mind off it.

I don't want to get my mind off it, Jimmy.

This is my life. I can't just...

kick back and watch Pimp My Ride and assume everything will work out.

Okay.

What, can I watch Pimp My Ride?

I have a job.

Jimmy, look, I know this might sound like a bad idea at first, but, um,

what if I applied for the job as Greg's assistant?

What? No. Christine, no.

No.

No. Look, Jimmy, I know it might be awkward, all right, but this is a great

I bet the pay is good, and I'm sure the health plan is a lot better than that

crappy HMO they give you.

Wait a minute. What's wrong with my health plan? The kids love their doctor.

Yeah, the kids like their doctor, and you like your dentist, and I like my

gynecologist. I'm a little concerned, however, that they're all the same guy.

Hey, say what you want, but, you know, I kind of like having a dentist chair

where I can prop up my feet.

You really want to work for Greg?

Okay, the guy's clearly a horrible boss. Look at all the assistance he keeps

going through.

Maybe they're just leaving for a better job.

Look, Jimmy, even if Greg is difficult, I think I can handle him, you know? I

mean, I've lived with him for four years. I know his likes. I know his

Where are his dislikes?

I'm serious. I read it in his AOL profile.

Come on, man. There's got to be something else out there. What if there

Jimmy? I need a job, all right? I don't want to feel like a loser again.

What are you talking about?

Jimmy, before I went to college, I had never accomplished anything that I could

feel proud of. Christine, that's crazy.

You've done plenty of stuff that you can be proud of. Look, Jimmy, college felt

great, all right? But if I don't get a job, I'm going to feel like a failure.

Especially if I'm stuck at home, taping spoons to jello boxes while Supermom Kim

gives me the stink eye.

I can't compete with her, Jimmy. She's like...

June Cleaver on Red Bull and Crystal Meth.

Look, I don't want you to feel like a failure. I want you to be happy, and if

working for Greg's gonna make you happy, I'm behind you all the way.

Thank you, honey.

And enough with the talk about Kim being a better mom than you.

Okay, you're the super mom around here.

I know it, and so are the kids.

You're right.

I am.

By the way, where are the kids?

I don't know. I'm sure Kim's watching.

Good morning, Greg.

Have a seat.

I made coffee.

Thanks.

Try some. Go ahead.

Huh? What do you think?

Yeah, it's coffee.

If I'm not mistaken, it's just the way you like it, right? French roast beans,

steamed milk with just a dash of fresh ground cinnamon.

Oh, you went all out.

Well, you know, I like getting coffee. It's something I take pride in doing

well. Can I have a cup?

What, are your arms broken?

Here you go, Greg.

Open to the business section, of course.

All right, what did you do?

Nothing. What did you break?

Nothing.

Count the children, Kim. Count all the children.

Everything is fine.

I just wanted to show you what a good assistant I'd make.

I'd really love to be considered for the job.

Christine, I... No, no, no, Craig, don't forget. I mean, I have a degree in

business and economics. I type 60 words a minute, and my phone skills are

fantastic.

Christine is your new assistant. How great would that be? You guys would have

much fun.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, we'd have a blast. And I would love to hire Christine, but I

can't.

Why not?

Well, unfortunately, the studio has a rule against nepotism and, you know,

and laotism.

Oh. Really?

Because Jimmy just said Roy got his brother a job at the guard gate.

Well, it wasn't so much the studio as it was everybody on my floor. We all, you

know, made a pact.

Put our hands in the middle and everything.

I wish there was something I could do. No, no. It's okay. I understand.

I thought it was worth a shot.

Why not? Because, Kim, what if she's awful?

Do you know how awkward it would be for me to have to fire her?

But she won't be awful. She's got a business degree and work experience.

I'm doing her a favor. Apparently I'm a jerk to work for anyway. That's why

everybody keeps quitting. You don't know that for sure.

At least Christine will be able to tell you if you're being a mean boss.

That would be nice. Christine is pretty honest.

All right, fine, Kim. I will hire her.

But if anything goes wrong, you're going to be the one that has to fire her, not

me. Got it? Got it.

Hey, Greg, I wanted to give you my resume, you know, take your hair off any

assistant jobs.

You know what, Christine, I've been thinking about it, and I think it would

okay if you worked for me.

Really? Are you sure?

Yeah, I'm sure. Thank you so much for giving me this chance.

There's a pin in that pocket. I think you just pierced my nipple.

Craig, I am not going to let you down. I promise. You are going to be so shocked

at how professional I'm going to be. Great.

Timmy! Get my pantyhose out of the sink! Mama's going to work!

Hey.

Hi there.

Isn't this great?

You know, I always thought we'd end up working in the same place.

Yeah, me too.

Just thought it would be on the side of the road in orange jumpsuits.

How's it going?

Well, uh, great so far.

I mean, it was a pretty busy morning, but I feel like I have everything under

control.

I gotta tell you, you look really great in that suit, pant

thingy. Jimmy, stop.

We're at work.

Besides, Greg's gonna be back from lunch any minute.

Well, no he won't. I put a sock on the doorknob.

Any guy who's ever had sex with a girl in a college dorm knows exactly what

means.

Why is there a sock on the door?

What are you doing here?

I was just visiting with your assistant. You know, you've got a very hard worker

here. She wouldn't even let me get the first base, which is more than I can say

about your other assistants.

So what's going on?

Um, well, let's see. Your Wednesday meeting made the move to 3 .30, which

fine. Legal faxed over the contract for your 2 o 'clock with Switzky.

And, um, oh.

I talked the computer guys into taking the internet filter off the computer.

Christine, the studio puts that on so people don't waste company time looking

porn. I know. You're welcome.

I'm going to go. I'll put these away. Okay, thanks.

Hey, um, Greg?

Am I doing okay?

Are you kidding? You're doing a great job.

It means a lot.

Thank you.

Don't mention it.

Oh, Christine, am I doing okay?

What? I mean, as your boss, I was hoping with you here I could find out why

people keep quitting. Have I been a jerk at all?

No. No, not at all. You've been great.

I'm loving you as a boss. Well, thanks. That's a big relief. Thank you.

Hey, Greg, the vest you need to bring. Oh.

Oh, I'm sorry, man. I thought the sock on the door was a joke.

She's my sister -in -law.

No one's judging you, dude. Just lock the door next time.

Um, all right, well, uh, you better head out for your meeting.

Um, here are your contracts.

Great.

Oh, and, uh, here.

Have a piece of gum. No, thank you. Um, have a piece of gum. Got you.

Greg Warner's office.

Hey, it's me. How's it going?

Great, great. I mean, it's all still new, but I feel like I get it.

Which is a relief, considering how nervous I was this morning.

Yeah. I figured you were a little nervous when I saw you rubbing

on the back of your knees.

It's one of the bad things to inherit from Dad.

There are worse things.

At least you've never had to wax your toe knuckles.

Well, anyway, I'm glad to hear you've got everything under control.

Yep. So far, so good. But you know what? I have to really get going. I don't

want to spend too much time on personal calls, you know, especially on my first

day. Oh, actually, this isn't a personal call. I've got some work for you.

Oh. You do?

Yeah. The flyer for Sammy's class picnic needs to go out today, and Greg's

office has that great laser printer.

I was wondering if you could just print it out for me there.

Okay.

Then make about 70 copies and just pop them into envelopes. I'll email you the

addresses for the mailing labels.

Uh, yeah, I got a lot of work to do for Greg today.

Oh, well, this is for Greg.

Sam is Greg's kid too, right?

Right.

I'm sorry, you're right.

So when you've got the envelopes ready, just run them across the street to the

post office.

Oh, and while you're there, I need you to pop into the dry cleaners and pick up

some of Greg's suits.

Okay, I'll get started on that right now.

Great, thanks.

I'll see you tonight. Bye.

Greg, what are you talking about? Me again.

One more thing.

Sometimes the lady at the dry cleaners has hard candies.

Could you pick up a few for Sammy?

Sure. Any particular flavor Sammy would like? Oh, I'm sure whatever flavor you

pick out will be just fine.

Okie doke.

Grape? Sour apple. Got it.

Hey, how do you feel your first week as a working girl? I wish I was a real

working girl, at least I'd get to lay down every once in a while.

Not bad, huh?

I'm only getting work.

I mean, today I made thousands of photocopies, dozens of phone calls, and

spent my lunch hour at the photomat picking up pictures of Sammy's soccer

I told you working for Greg was a bad idea. I knew he'd be riding you. I knew

he'd be always standing over you, just cracking the whip. No, no, no. It's not

Greg. It's Kim. She's riding me. She's standing over me, cracking the whip.

Wow.

How hot is that?

Kimmy. I

mean, every day

she has more and more projects for me. Today, I actually did more for her than

did for Greg.

You're kidding me.

No. No, I've been designing flyers, organizing field trips, comparing rental

prices for their trip to Florida.

And I wouldn't be surprised if before they went, she asked me to give her a

bikini wax.

How hot is that? Hey,

there you are. I thought I'd let your car drive up. Hey, did you happen to

finish the sign -up poster for Emily's class field trip?

Yeah. Took me a lot longer than I thought, but, uh, yeah, it's all done.

What's wrong?

Nothing.

The white poster board seems a little businessy.

Why don't you try again and have some fun with it?

Maybe add a splash of color.

Sure. Thanks. I wonder if Kim would mind if the splash of color was her

own blood.

She's been doing this all week.

I'll tell her to stop. I can't. She's my boss's wife.

You know, I'm just venting, all right? I know it's all...

part of the job.

Oh, no, Christine. I know a lot of assistants at the studio, and I never

of them having to do this kind of stuff for their boss's wives.

Really?

None of them? No, not even Trubisky.

Of course, he goes through them too fast.

I did, then? No, why? I hate to say it, but I think Kim's taking advantage of

you because you're her sister.

You just need to tell her to back off.

Oh, I know. You're right.

I should talk to her. I certainly can't keep living like this. Exactly.

Okay. I'm just gonna go in there and sit her down, have a mature conversation.

What are you doing?

Oh, our mature conversations.

Historically, I'm with a lot of hair pulling and clothes ripping.

Hey, can I... No, you can't watch!

Kim? Yeah?

We need to talk.

Look, I'm concerned that all the extra work you're giving me might be getting

the way of doing the best job that I can for Greg.

Oh, I see.

Unfortunately, the projects I ask you to do are part of your job.

Yeah, you keep saying that, but I took a peek at the company handbook, and

taking your underwear back to the gap because your thong is too thongy, not

of the job description.

This is so typical.

Excuse me?

You're always looking for the easy way out.

It goes all the way back to high school.

You would steal my boyfriends because you refused to do the job of getting

for yourself.

Hey, I didn't steal them. They came to me because there were certain jobs you

refused to do.

I had braces with rubber bands.

I'm sorry.

But in order for me to do the best job that I can for Greg, I can't do any more

of your little project.

I'm sorry. I hope you can understand that.

I understand.

And I know that wasn't easy for you to say.

I'm just glad I know where you stand.

You're fired.

I'm going to have to let you go.

Nuh -uh, you can't fire me.

Hey, what's going on? I had to fire Christine.

What? You can't do that. See, you were the one who said that when things didn't

work out with Christine, I was going to have to be the one to fire her. Well,

things aren't working out.

What are you talking about? She's the best assistant I've ever had.

We get along so well, half the office thinks we're sleeping together.

You don't understand. She is shirking her other responsibility.

What other responsibility?

Responsibilities to Kim.

She's been dumping projects on me all week.

You know that school flyer she's been showing off? Yeah. Oh, me. I made it.

you know that field trip that she's planning for next month? Yeah. Me.

And you see that nice suit you're wearing? You made this?

No,

I didn't make it. But I'm the one who had to pick it up at the dry cleaner.

You're kidding.

Christine, you're overreacting. And you are taking advantage of me because I'm

your sister.

That is completely untrue. There's not one thing I've asked you to do that I

wouldn't have asked Greg's old assistant to do. Wait a minute. You asked my old

assistant to do stuff for you? You knew that. I didn't know that. How often do

you do this?

I don't know.

Maybe once or twice a week?

A day. Once or twice a day.

Yesterday she told me to take my cell phone into the bathroom so when nature

called, she could do.

My God, Kim, you're the reason all my assistants keep quitting.

This is great.

I'm not a jerk. I'm just married to one.

What? It's you, Kim. Here I am, wasting all this time thinking that I'm a lousy

boss. I mean, it's starting to make sense.

Because when Paula quit, I overheard her tell somebody she couldn't deal with

Mrs. Warner anymore. I thought she was talking about me.

Even though she said Mrs.

Warner? There was an incident. I had trouble lifting a water jug one time.

God, I feel awful.

I thought your assistant was something we could both use.

Well, at least now you know, so you can stop doing it.

No, no, no. I can't stop.

How else will I get everything done?

I've got carpools to drive and school trips to plan and cookies to bake.

I'm... I'm super mom.

Sorry,

honey.

Looks like it's time to...

Hang up the cape and start taping spoons to jello boxes.

It's over.

Hey, I thought you went to the movies.

No, I got to finish doing laundry and then make name tags for Sammy's field

tomorrow. I'm sorry I can't help you out.

You know, Tim, you really should take it easy on yourself. I mean, nobody

expects you to be super mom all the time.

Super mom.

No, no, I'm still working. Just lost my assistant.

No problem.

I can have those cupcakes there in two minutes.

How hot is that?