Original subtitles

Oh, sorry. I hope you weren't planning on eating breakfast.

You just polished off the rest of the cereal.

Oh, what a shame. My doctor told me I needed to get more Frankenberry in my

diet.

Be the big pig.

Look, I might have poured myself a little extra cereal. There's no need for

-calling.

Jimmy, Logan's not calling you names. He's reading that book.

What?

Look at that. The little man can read.

Hey, Christine, check this out.

Go ahead, Logan. Do it again.

A blue bird, a red hen.

That's great, Logan.

Yeah, it's even better than yesterday.

I mean, you knew he could do this?

Yes, Jimmy.

Sometimes when I'm alone with the kids, I actually turn off the TV and I teach

them things.

Yeah, I teach them things, too. Hey, Logan, show them how I taught you how to

flip your eyelids inside out.

I want to read.

Oh, okay.

Reading's good, too, I guess.

Sammy can read, too.

No, he can't. Yes, he can. I've been working with him.

Sam, go ahead, read the page.

Rooster's a fifth -grade word anyway.

Rooster. Oh, and he's still got it. Hey, good reading, buddy.

Can we buy the TV?

Yes, you can. Just don't spill.

What a day, huh? Both Logan and Sam reading, and Sam reading at a fifth

level.

Greg, give it up. He's not reading yet.

That's no big deal. Everybody learns to read at their own pace.

By the way, Greg, you are doing very well.

He's kind of weird, though.

Most of the kids in his class are reading at least a little bit.

I hope nothing's wrong with him.

All right, Sammy.

Diaper's off, so, uh, hold your fire.

This is enough to make the diaper genie go back into the bottle.

I'm sure it's nothing.

No, no, nothing at all. I'm sure Sammy will be reading in no time.

Well, he might not be able to read, but when it comes to math, he's a little

genius. Come here, Sam.

Watch this.

Two plus two is... Five!

Close, four.

And considering how many numbers there are, I think missing it by one is pretty

amazing.

Family is family is family.

What's that for? Teaching our kid to read before Greg's kid.

Well, you know, I think his teacher had something to do with that, too.

Oh, okay. Well, remind me at the next parent -teacher conference to tell her

that I owe her a little private time in the coat room.

Well, Jimmy, it's not a competition.

I mean, Sam's our nephew. I want him to read, too.

Well, so do I, but in the meantime, this is driving Greg crazy.

It's like, who knew reading had an upside?

There's something you don't know.

What if it's not that Logan's extra smart, but that Sam's extra dumb? Hey,

take it any way I can get it. Jimmy, I'm serious.

What are you talking about?

When Sam was seven months old, he rolled off his changing table when I wasn't

looking, and he landed on his head.

Oh, my God.

Seven months old? Yeah. Logan rolled over at six months old. This is another

victory. Oh!

Oh!

the part of his brain that makes him read.

Okay, honey.

Honey, you're being crazy, all right? It's not like the brain is divided into

sections that each serve different functions.

Actually, that's exactly how the brain works.

Really? Yeah.

Well, it would take more than one little bump on the head to, you know... Oh, my

God.

One Sunday, I was babysitting Sam and... Here we go. Oh,

jeez. We've got to go. The game's started, Timmy.

Oh.

Oh, jeez. Oh, Sammy. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Here. Here. Here.

How's that?

How's that?

How's that?

Okay. Okay.

All right.

All right. That cool?

Huh? Huh?

You see, if it was anybody who damaged the reading part of his brain, it was

Are you kidding?

Well, I'd let him hit that floor. He'd bounce.

Right, and you may have bonked him, but I dribbled him.

Well, I need a drink.

Yeah, okay, okay. Listen, we should just relax. You know, maybe he can read, but

he freezes up when people are watching him.

You know, it happens.

Okay, remember the first night we had our camcorder?

Did I apologize for that?

Well, I guess he could be too stressed out, right? I mean, maybe we just need

get him in a relaxed environment where he can be free to read without all the

stresses. Yeah, and when we find out he can read, we'll just have nothing to

worry about.

Right, you're right.

Thanks, honey. I feel better.

Besides, Christine, look at me, okay? I took plenty of shots to the head, and

look how I turned out.

And now, I need that drink.

Oh, Sam.

What's hanging out?

Now, don't think of us like your parents or anything, right? There's no pressure

here. Yeah, we're just like kids who...

I like to goof around and, I don't know, read books.

Good idea.

Yeah. What do you say, Sam?

You want to read?

No.

Yeah.

Yeah, jumping's fun, isn't it? Yeah. I'll tell you what. Why don't we jump

the way over?

Come on, Sammy.

Look.

It's about a cat who thinks he's a duck and he tries to fly.

Come on, Sammy.

Read.

Read. Okay, you've got to get in sync with him, Christine. You've got to jump.

Jump and jump and jump. Are you in sync with him, Christine?

I am trying.

Great.

Are you happy I hit him again?

This is crazy.

Yeah, money. Go out and play.

wrong with that kid? He can't sit still.

Oh, God.

Jimmy, what if I bruise the reading part of his brain and you bruise the sitting

still part?

Or, looking on the bright side, what if you bruise the axe murderer part of his

brain and I bruise the bank robber part?

Huh? You don't know. We might have just saved the bank teller from getting axe

murdered.

Jimmy, we have to tell Kim and Greg that...

We broke their son.

Why? We didn't tell them when we broke their blender.

We didn't tell them when we broke their washing machine. We just gonna start

telling them this stuff now?

Yeah, Jimmy, we have to.

All right, I'll take the blender and the washing machine. Jimmy!

Chances are there's nothing wrong with them, okay?

There's no need to say anything.

I'm sure Sammy's gonna catch up before we know it.

Well, I guess there's no harm in...

Waiting a little while. Of course there is.

And then in the meantime, we'll just downplay the fact that Logan can read

we won't make such a big deal about it.

Okay. I can do that.

All right, now listen, you've got to stop worrying so much. You've got to

remember that we're made with strong skulls designed to protect our brains.

It's not like when Sammy was a baby, his skull was soft and mushy.

Dominic, from now on, when you have to use the restroom at the mall, instead of

going in with me, I think it's time you start using the men's room. But I love

using the ladies' room.

Yeah, which is exactly why you should start using the men's room.

Growing up so fast.

Greg and I still can't believe that Logan is reading.

Oh, yeah, that.

You know, it's a total scam.

He's not really reading.

What? Yes, he is. I saw him. Oh, no, I know. He had me fooled, too.

Turns out he had the whole book memorized.

Yeah, he was faking it.

Yesterday, I gave him a different book to read.

Couldn't read a word.

And then he wet his pants.

Just in a lot of ways, I think he's behind Sam.

Well, I have to admit I'm a little relieved.

We were starting to get worried about Sam.

We even thought about taking him to see a specialist to see if he needed help.

You did?

You were going to get him checked out? Maybe...

Get him some help?

But now that I know that Logan's not reading, we don't need to worry.

Stop! That sign says stop!

Christine, he just read that sign. He is reading.

Kim, come on. All kids know what a stop sign is.

That boy's hot dogs.

It's Jimmy's favorite restaurant. He points it out to Logan every time we

by.

Live nude girl!

That Jimmy.

Who wants lollipops? Me!

Logan, take one of these and pass out the rest.

Sour.

Don't play with it, Logan. Just put it in your mouth.

Jimmy, can I talk to you for a minute? Of course you can.

Yeah, Dr. Phil was just talking about how... A healthy marriage is built on

keeping the lines of communication open, honest, and sincere.

Well, I think he hypnotized me.

I can't stand lying to them anymore.

All right, Kim and Greg were going to take Sam to the specialist, but now

they're not because I told them Logan couldn't really read.

Oh, man. I mean, what if Sam isn't getting the help he needs? Jimmy, we

tell them we hit him on the head.

Okay, fine, but can we just help Kim?

No, no, no, no. She doesn't...

horrible cry thing where no sound comes out?

I know, but every time you tell Greg you did something wrong, he tortures you by

asking you the same question over and over.

I know, and then he emphasizes different words to make it sound worse.

Jimmy, you ate all the Cheetos.

Jimmy, you ate all the Cheetos?

Jimmy, you ate all the Cheetos?

Hey. Hey.

Hey.

Um, is Kim around? We kind of need to tell you guys something.

Emily's got a cold, so she took her to the pharmacy to get some cough medicine.

What's up?

Oh.

Okay, well, I guess we can just tell you.

Um... Look, a long time ago, when Sam was a baby, I accidentally let him

roll off the changing table.

You let him roll off the table?

Yes, I did.

You let him roll off the table.

Yes, I did.

You let him roll off the table.

Jimmy. Okay, and another time I was watching Sam and I banged his head into

wall.

There's no reason to ask if I did it because I did it.

I did it.

Look, we just thought you should know because we thought maybe a blow to the

head when he was younger might be the reason he's not reading.

Oh, my God.

Maybe a blow to the head could do something like that. Oh, my God.

Okay, well, you just wait till you taste my brilliant avocado omelet.

You'll never cry for the breast again.

At least not till prom night.

Oh!

You hit your son in the head with a frying pan?

Who are you, Foghorn Leghorn?

I hit him in the head.

I hit him in the head.

I hit him in the head.

You all did it, Greg. Don't torture yourself.

Oh, yeah, yeah, but we just bonked him on the head with wood and plaster. I

mean, he hit him in the head with, I'll say, I'll say, I'll say, I'll steal it!

Well, you know something? Maybe if you hadn't knocked the sense out of him

first, he would have ducked when he saw the pan coming.

Well, maybe you should be more careful about who you let watch your kid.

You're right. Maybe I should have gone with my second choice and left him with

the blind guy playing whack -a -mole.

Would you two just stop it?

Look, I think we can all agree none of us should be left alone with small

children.

Come on, we gotta put our heads together and figure out how to tell Kim so she

doesn't freak out like Greg did. No, no, no, no, no. Can't be done. She cannot

be told.

She's his mother.

Here's what we're going to do.

We're going to have Sam checked out by a doctor, and that way when we tell Kim,

we'll know exactly what the problem is.

Good idea.

Hopefully we won't have to tell Kim, and then we won't have to sit through that

whole annoying crying thing she does.

All that heaving and nothing coming out.

That's good. Christine does it good, too.

We're the nurse's side.

She wasn't much help at all.

I've been back here for over an hour. Didn't you tell them that Sam's our

and we want to know what's going on?

Oh, I wasn't asking her about Sam.

I was talking about the vending machines. I got a Twix bar that's stuck

against the glass.

Oh, God.

Hey, guys.

Hi, Kim.

Hey, Kim.

How you doing?

What are you guys doing here?

What are you doing here?

Oh, the pharmacist said there was some bug going around, so I came to get Emily

some antibiotics.

Greg!

What are you doing here?

Huh? And where's Sam?

Sam? Yes, Sam.

Sam, I don't know where Sam ran off to. Sam will be finished with his CAT scan

in a minute.

Okay, there you go. Sammy's getting a CAT scan. What are you up to? What?

Why is Sam getting a CAT scan?

Anybody want to tackle this?

Years ago, and we're not exactly sure how, Sammy might have endured an

injury to the head.

Oh, my God.

And it might be affecting his reading development.

Oh, my God.

We're not exactly sure who's responsible, but we're pretty sure it's

It was me.

What? I'm the one who injured his head. I've been living with this secret for

years.

Babies up.

And forward.

And back.

Oops. That was a close one.

You almost had a little bump on the head, Sammy.

Okay. You better be more careful.

And babies up.

And forward.

And back.

Don't you listen.

Feet face east.

Feet face east.

Oh, my God. I can't believe it.

It's my fault he can't read.

So, Doctor, do you have the results?

Mm -hmm.

Sam's CAT scan is perfectly normal.

All the tests show that he's fine.

I imagine he'll be reading in no time.

Thank God.

So no flattening of the brain and, say, a pan shape?

Um, you have nothing to worry about.

Thank you, Doctor. Come on, Sam, let's get you home.

Oh, Sammy, don't forget your lollipop.

Yay, red!

Red? That's green.

Oh, and he's known his color since he was two.

Okay, Sammy Everything looks good for you. Let me just get this light here,

we will take a look at your eyes all right

Wow. Thanks.

And here's your new blender.