Original subtitles

Hey, why don't you go on up to bed? I'll clean up.

Oh, okay, thanks.

I just hope you're not cleaning up because you think you're going to come

upstairs and get rewarded.

I'm kind of tired.

Well, I wish you had to share that information with me before I wasted my

cooking up all these popcorn bowls.

However, I could be persuaded to stay up a little longer if you did all the

dishes in the sink and scraped all the burnt cheese off the lasagna pan.

No, I'll just wait till the price goes down.

Phil, um, you coming to the guest house?

Well, if you want to get lucky, the only cheese I'll make you scrape off is that

little piece on your chin.

Thanks. I think I'm just probably going to stay up and watch a little bit of TV.

Fine, but, you know, you're falling asleep on the couch every night this

Just so you know, it's getting a little lonely back here without you.

Ew, this blanket is soaking wet.

Jimmy, I know it was a good movie, but we could have paused it for a bathroom

break.

Relax, it's just sweat.

Oh, well, in keeping with my policy of giving you any and all things that you

leave bodily fluids on, enjoy your new blanket.

Ew!

And your new couch. What is wrong with you?

I don't know. I've been sweating a lot lately. It's really weird. It's like my

hands and my feet, they're freezing, but I can't stop sweating.

That is weird. How long has this been going on? About a week or so.

And it's not just the sweating, either. It's like I've been feeling really

weird. It's like my muscles are sore, and I've been moody, and I've been

sluggish. Sluggish? How can you tell? You sit in a guard shack all day.

Then you come home and sit on the couch. If you were any more sluggish, you'd

leave a trail.

I have been sluggish in areas I'm not normally sluggish.

I have been sluggish, you know, down there.

You constipated?

No.

Lately, I... Lately, I haven't been interested in sex. That's why I've been

sleeping on the couch last week. So you haven't told Christine? No, I don't want

her to worry.

But I think she's starting to catch on. I mean, the last time we went 10 days

without having sex was like 10 days before I met her.

Mr. Harris.

Hughes. Mr. Hughes.

It says here you've been complaining of night sweats, sore muscles, and a

diminished interest in sex.

Yeah, but keep in mind that I usually have an extraordinarily high sex drive,

diminished for me still means, like, way above average.

She's gone.

Can you write that down in my file and make sure she sees it?

Yeah, of course.

How are your nipples?

Are you experiencing any tenderness in your nipples? No, no, I'm not. No

tenderness in my nipples. Ow!

A little tender, maybe.

You notice any mood swings lately?

Well, yeah, I guess I've been a little emotional lately, but, I mean, can you

blame me? I mean, the Redskins lost on Sunday and my junk don't work.

Well, we won't know for sure until your blood test comes back. Hear that?

Hear that? Yeah.

Ow!

What is that for? Piece of cheese.

But your symptoms are synonymous with a condition called andropause.

Andropause? What's andropause? Face it, Frank.

As men get older, they lose testosterone.

Sometimes, between the ages of 35 and 50, they lose it too rapidly, and

andropause occurs.

Andropause, it's just a male version of menopause.

Right, so basically I'm turning into Maude?

Relax, relax.

Menopause is a medical condition just like any other. There's nothing to be

ashamed of. That's right. In fact, you're very lucky to have chosen a

suffers from the same condition.

Hey, hey, hey!

That is my personal business that is not to be discussed!

I'm, uh... I'm gonna run these down to the lab.

Personal!

Logan Hughes.

We're here to see their grandpa, Jimmy Hughes.

Yeah, he said you guys were coming.

Jimmy, get in here. Your grandchildren are here.

Did I hear my little angels?

Come give grandpa a hug.

Come on, kids. We go through this every time.

Stop staring and go say hello to your grandpa.

Careful now, grandpa's got tender boobies.

Ow.

Hey, buddy, how was the doctor?

Uh, good, good, yeah. Turns out I just got a bug, no big deal.

What you got in the bag?

Uh, you know, antibiotics.

Huh. Well, they put you on a Z -Pak?

Uh, yeah, yeah.

I've been there how many days? Yeah, 20.

20 days. 20 days? It's only supposed to be three or five.

Oh, what, did I say 20?

I meant five, yeah.

See, it's like one of the symptoms of what I got is severe exaggeration.

Maybe I should look at your medication. Will you just drop it, okay?

The doctor said I was going to be fine, all right? All right. Let him rest.

Wow.

Look, I didn't mean to snap at you.

I've just been very emotional lately,

and I know you're just worried about me, and I didn't mean to yell at you.

There, there.

There, there.

It's going to be okay. No, it's not great.

But you said that... It's not going to be okay. No, I lied. I lied, okay?

What's going on?

I got male menopause.

Come on, there's no such thing as male menopause.

is, okay? It happens to men between the ages of 35 to 55 who experience a rapid

decrease in testosterone.

It's called andropause.

Andropause? I've never even heard of it. Well, maybe that's because men are

forced to suffer in silence until society is ready to deal with the truth.

read that.

Menopause. It's not just for women anymore.

Not funny, okay?

It's not funny.

What's not funny?

World hunger.

World hunger is not funny, and Greg keeps making jokes about it.

Greg, that is not funny.

And it's in very poor taste.

Sorry.

Um, I got you something to talk. Oh, thank you. Oh, sure.

Oh, your face is so smooth.

I don't know what kind of razor you're using these days, but I like it.

I haven't shaved in three weeks.

You're not going to tell Christine?

No, and you're not going to tell her either. But she is your wife.

Exactly, okay?

I've got to tell you something, Greg. You've seen my paycheck, okay? You've

next to me when I've tried to answer questions on Jeopardy. I mean, Christine

knows she didn't marry a rich man or a smart man, but at least she thinks she

married a man.

Oh, God.

Oh, I have these damn emotions.

Just go back and bury yourself where you belong.

It's not that bad. You're still a man.

You just got to make sure you take your medicine as directed.

It says here, take two pills daily until the urge to pee sitting down subsides.

Oh, no! Look what you've done!

Oh, boy, here come the waterworks.

Hello, lady.

Oh, hey, Greg. Could you and Kim watch The Boys tomorrow night? Jimmy and I

to go to the movies. Sure, I don't mind. I mean, you two deserve a girl's night

out.

Okay. Thanks.

I'll just go make sure it's okay with Kim. Okay.

You guys going to go see a chick flick?

Can you at least not make fun of me in front of Christine? I feel bad enough

that I'm keeping a secret from her.

What are you talking about? You keep secrets from her all the time. This is

serious. Do you have any idea what it's like to keep a secret from your wife

that if she knew about you, she'd start questioning who you are? She'd look at

you completely differently?

I know exactly what you're talking about.

We've all got those secrets.

What are you talking about?

Huh?

What secret do you have that Kim doesn't know? I don't know. I don't have a

secret. You said we all got them. You actually even sighed when you sat down.

wasn't sighing. That was weeping.

I have asthma. That's my secret. I have asthma. Don't tell Kim.

Oh, Greg.

Tell me what your secret is. No.

Come on. I want to go to the driving range before we start.

I'm not going.

What? Why?

I don't want to be your friend.

Come on. I bared my soul to you.

I took our relationship to the next level, which made me very vulnerable,

And if you're not willing to reveal something that makes you vulnerable,

what? Our relationship is now unbalanced, okay? I have feelings, and

are valid.

And if you can't empathize with what I'm going through, then I don't... Shut up,

shut up, shut up!

I'll tell you my secret if you shut your yap for a minute and come play golf

with me.

Okay. I won't tell you my secret, but it has to stay between us.

Definitely. Spill it. Let's dish.

Sorry.

Go ahead.

Okay, one night in college, I got really drunk and I wanted to climb this wiry

metal sculpture thing right in the middle of campus.

I did it and I destroyed it.

Next day when I'm walking to class, there's this girl standing in front of

and she's crying.

It was Kim.

It was her sculpture. She had been working on it all year, and she was

devastated that someone could do such a thing. Did you ever tell Kim this?

No, I didn't tell her. I barely knew her.

Hey, wait a minute. So if she knew the truth about you, she never would have

dated you. She never would have married you. Only that you never would have had.

Sam or Emily, I mean, what is it like to wake up in the morning and look

yourself in the mirror and know that your entire life is built on a lie?

Well, a man's got to do what a man's got to do, but then again, you wouldn't

know anything about that, would you, Mary?

Hey, we should probably get going if we're going to make that movie.

Hold on, I'm almost done.

What are you doing?

I found a pill on the living room floor.

Kim doesn't know what to do. Do you?

No.

No, sir.

I've never seen anything like it before. We should probably just throw it away,

huh? No, I want to know what it is.

I mean, what are you, a pharmacist?

Okay, it's not like you can just tell what a pill is by looking at it.

Can you?

No.

But all pills have a code imprinted on them, and then I can go on the Internet

and find out what it's prescribed for. Okay, you can't believe everything that

you read on the Internet.

Okay, here we go.

What's the code?

Excuse me? The code on the pill. Read it to me.

Oh, okay.

R2... D2...

What? Give me that.

It says here it's prescribed for andropause.

Let me look up andropause. It's male menopause.

It's male menopause.

Stupid World Wide Web.

Jimmy, there's not that thing as male menopause. Yes, there is.

Okay? As men get older, they lose testosterone, some more than others, and

experience symptoms that are not unlike menopausal women.

How do you know so much about it?

Because... Greg has it.

Greg has male menopause.

Hey, it's a good thing that he and Kim are practically the same size, because

now they can start sharing outfits.

Yeah, Greg's a girl.

Would you guys go to play golf?

Yeah, he can hear from the ladies.

That's funny.

What's funny?

Nothing.

Come on, what are you guys laughing about?

Sorry.

Sorry, I shouldn't be laughing.

Okay,

it turns out that the pill we found is Greg's.

For his male menopause.

What? Yeah, Christine, Greg didn't tell.

Kim.

Oops.

What are you guys talking about?

Greg is going through andropause. It's like menopause, but for men.

What? The problem is you've got to promise

not to say anything to him, okay? Because he's ashamed enough as it is,

would be humiliated if he found out that you knew.

I don't believe this. I've never even heard of male menopause before.

Well, maybe that's because men are forced to suffer in silence until

ready to deal with the truth.

Something like that I read in one of Greg's sissy brochures.

Hey. Hey.

How you doing?

Pretty good. You?

Good.

But if I weren't, I would tell you.

Because I wouldn't keep something from you.

No matter how big of a deal I thought it was.

Good to know.

How about you?

What? You wouldn't keep a secret from me, would you?

Why do you ask?

Look, I promised Jimmy I wouldn't tell you anything, but I know all about your

secrets. That little weasel, I can't believe he told you. Well, actually,

Christine told me. He told Christine?

Oh, hello, big mouth. You happy now? Any more secrets you'd like to share? What?

No, no, no.

Kim, you promised you wouldn't say anything.

I had to. I couldn't live day to day knowing that my husband is basically

to me.

You gotta believe me. I didn't tell Kim your secret.

Yeah, yeah, sure. I suppose Kim just figured out after all these years that I

was the one that destroyed her sculpture in college.

Jimmy has male menopause.

What?

Shh, I want to hear about the sculpture.

I can't believe this.

Well, Kim, in my defense, I was really, really drunk.

Okay? You know those beers that come in the 40 -ounce bottles?

Me and my sweet baits almost finished one.

I can't believe it was you that destroyed it.

Then you pray. on my vulnerability to get me to fall for you.

You disgust me.

Yes, Kim, it was me that destroyed your creation, but keep in mind the act of

that destruction led to the greatest creation of all, our love.

I think I'm going to go scrape the cheese off that lasagna pan.

You have male menopause?

Yeah. Well, why didn't you tell me?

Because I didn't want to lose you.

Okay, Christine, from our very first date, I knew that one of the things that

made you love me was my amazing sexuality.

Okay, first of all, on that first date, it wasn't that amazing.

Well, a lot of the screaming was because I was laying on a pine cone.

That's what we get for doing it in my parents' bed.

Honey, we're going to go through a lot of changes as we grow older, but we're

lucky enough to have each other, so we don't have to go through it alone.

I mean, I know I'm going to have to go through menopause someday.

And just think, you'll be able to give me something that most men can't give

their wives.

First -hand advice on how to deal with hot flashes.

I like to find a shady spot and suck on some ice chips.

So, um, how do you feel about, uh, going out to the guest house and making use

of our hormones while we still got them?

Yes, please.

Oh, I just thought of another benefit.

What? Well, you can finally live out your fantasy of me in bed with a woman.

Because you... Aw.

It's the last one, honey, I promise.

Hey, Christine, I think when you and Kim went to the pharmacy today, I made a

mistake. My testosterone pills are orange. These are white.

These look like Kim's calcium pill.

Pharmacist must have put them in the wrong bottle.

guys looking at honey i think you may have accidentally taken jimmy's

testosterone pills oh great