Original subtitles

Hey, Logan.

Hey.

What are you doing with that hose?

Nothing.

Logan, you know if you spray your Uncle Greg, he's going to be very angry.

Are one of you going to go out there and discipline your son?

I'm always hoping that hose were not.

Hey, Greg.

Sammy hit a new milestone today.

Oh, please tell me he stopped sticking his hands down his pants.

Actually, I'm still working on that one. Well, work a little faster. It's gotten

to the point I don't even want to share a bowl of chips with my own son.

Yeah, you know, it's totally normal that he's sticking his hands down his pants,

but what's with that serious look on his face?

I saw a little Rubik's Cube down there.

So what's the news?

He's got a girlfriend.

What? Sammy has a little girlfriend.

Great. Maybe now he'll stop playing with himself.

That's what cured me.

Come on, Kim. The kid is five years old. What do you mean he has a girlfriend?

He has a new friend that's a girl. Her name is Claire, and the teacher says

they are inseparable.

They go into the little plastic log cabin at recess and act like they're

married.

In high school, Christina and I used to park my car behind the Arby's and act

like we were married.

We spent so much time back there, Jimmy started to become aroused by the smell

of roast beef.

Anyway... I just think it's so cute that he has a girlfriend.

She's coming over tomorrow for a play date.

It is cute. I wish Logan would play with a girl once in a while.

Well, he and his friends never do it. Recesses have mud fights.

Well, that's what boys do. I mean, no offense, but, you know, most boys don't

like playing house.

Well, maybe Logan's uncomfortable playing house because he doesn't have a

I remember my first boyfriend.

We spent every recess together until I beat him at the 50 -yard dash.

He cried and stalled me for the girl with scoliosis.

My first girlfriend was in the third grade, Debbie Arruca, but her father

wouldn't let her and I play together because he thought I was going to be a

loser who would amount to nothing.

What was her father's name, Nostradamus?

No,

I think his name was Carlos.

Who was your first girlfriend, Greg?

Oh, I don't remember.

Oh, come on. What was her name?

I don't remember. Besides, I don't think it's good for boys and girls to be

playing together at that age because girls can be very, very, very mean.

What was her name? Lizzie Friedman.

I think your old little trollop broke my heart.

We had four or five wonderful play dates together. Then Kevin Gallagher waltzes

into town with his feathered hair and his skateboard tricks. I don't want to

talk about it.

Could you put these on the grill for me, please?

Yeah, Lizzie Friedman.

I mean, maybe I couldn't do skateboard tricks as a boy, but as a man, I think

I've turned out pretty good.

I wish you could see me now.

You look a lot better than your Uncle Jimmy did on our first date.

He wore a shirt that said, why fart and waste it when you can burp and taste it?

My grandmother gave me that shirt.

Sammy, I want you to be polite today.

Remember, Claire is your guest.

So you should play what she wants to play.

And listen, Sam, no matter how much she begs, don't dress up like a princess and

let her take pictures of you.

Even if she promises not to show them to anyone at school because she'll show

everyone. Everyone.

And her and Kevin Gallagher will laugh and laugh and laugh.

What kind of princess did you... Princess Leia.

We were playing Star Wars and she insisted on being Chewbacca.

So why didn't you dress up like Luke Skywalker or Han Solo?

Because she wanted me to be Leia and I was in love.

I'm sure all of you have done embarrassing things in the name of love.

Of course we have, honey.

I, for example, married Princess Leia.

Oh, that must be Claire.

Wait, wait, wait. Hold on a second. Hold on a second.

a gentleman.

Yes, he is.

Hands, Sammy! Hands out of the pants!

Greg, come here. You've got to see this.

If it's Jimmy strutting around in his Daisy Duke shorts, I don't want to see

Last time I saw his boss hog and half of his anus.

It's Sam and Claire.

Look how cute they are.

I have to admit, it is cute.

Hey. Hey.

What's up with Logan? He's in a timeout.

What did he do?

He kept trying to steal Sam's girlfriend.

Oh.

Gosh, I'm sorry.

What happened?

Logan and Claire kept going out to ride bikes.

Look, we kept asking Logan to stop, but every time he went outside, he rode off

with her again, leaving poor Sam alone on the steps.

Wait a minute. So Logan's in a timeout for riding his bike?

With Sam's girlfriend.

But you said she liked me better than... Zip it up, buddy. You're in a timeout.

Logan, honey, you can go out and play.

like to play with Logan more than Sam. There's nothing we can do about it. Of

course there is. You could tell him he can't play with her.

Why? Why should we make our kids suffer? You don't take things away from your

kids out of respect for our children.

Well, what is that supposed to mean? Well, Sam and Emily have all kinds of

that our kids don't have. Like what?

Like nicer clothes?

Expensive toys?

I mean, last year, Logan wanted an Xbox like the one Sammy had, but the best we

could give him was an Xbox box.

could come ride bikes with me again on Saturday.

I'm sorry, buddy, but that's going to be no.

Of course she can.

Thank you.

I don't believe it.

I don't believe you're going to let him steal Sammy's girlfriend.

What am I supposed to tell my kid?

Well, if he's going to grow up to be anything like his father, you might want

tell him to get used to it.

Sammy, a big boy's bike. What do you think, Sam?

Cool.

You're right. We need to fight fire with fire.

If Logan can do it, so can Sammy. Sure he can. He just needs someone to teach

him. My dad would have taught me how to do skateboard tricks like Kevin Galsger.

Why? So you could have married Lizzie Freeman?

It has nothing to do with Lizzie Freeman. Kim, my whole life I lost girls

guys that could throw a football further or could climb to the top of the rope

in gym class without getting the nosebleed.

I don't want Sam to end up sitting alone at home on Friday nights playing

Scrabble with his parents.

Scrabble? Yep.

All through high school, the only rack I ever saw was the one that was holding

my letters.

I thought he'd be able to

do it.

Are you really that surprised he kept falling?

He has your genes, and you can ride a two -wheeler until college.

That's not hereditary.

I told you I had a freaky inner ear accident as a child that destroyed my

balance.

Spider -Man gets superpowers from a spider. Let one crawl in my ear, and I

the next 12 years falling off a toilet.

You're much too mean. Yeah, honey.

Go relax in what SpongeBob while you clot.

I thought he was eventually going to get the hang of it, but his asthma really

hurt us out there today.

I mean, did you hear the poor kid struggling, pushing his bike up that

hill? It was like he was breathing through a bong.

All right, well, apparently we can't fight fire with fire.

We don't have fire.

I'm not giving up. In fact, if Sam can't beat Logan at his own game, then Sam

has no choice but to use something he has that Logan doesn't. That's a great

idea. Like what?

You're the one at home with him all day. I was hoping you'd jump in with

something.

Jimmy, come look at this. It's the most adorable thing ever.

Oh, is it? Is Greg trying to start the lawnmower again?

Yeah, it's cute for about the first 20 minutes. Then it starts to get pathetic.

No, it's Logan and Claire. Come here.

Logan's got a little girlfriend.

Yeah, well, he's pretty smooth, you know. He's got his dad's moves and his

good looks.

Okay, relax, okay? You probably can't even give her a ride. Those little toy

electric cars, they only have one seat.

See? He's giving up.

They

bought

her a Mercedes?

No, we can't compete with that. I mean, that little toy car is worth more than

my real one.

Cars were a great idea, Greg. They're having a blast.

I know. Whoever said money can't buy you love never tried to buy a little girl.

That didn't sound right, did it?

Can you imagine if Claire and Tim did get married one day?

Kids would be so cute.

I'll say.

Judging from her mom, Claire's going to fill out rather nicely.

Don't kid yourself. Her mother was wearing a wonder bra.

Well, it worked. Made me wonder.

Sammy, what's wrong?

My arm itches from petting the dog.

What? You know you're not supposed to play with dog. You're allergic.

You know the dog come from anyway.

I don't believe it. They have resorted to germ warfare.

Hey, hey, hey, how about a little knockety -knock -knock? Hey, hey, hey,

about a little renity -rent -rent?

A dog?

What do you think you're doing?

Look, you know, we can't compete with expensive toys, so we did the only thing

we could do.

So we went out and bought a dog.

Got a dog. I went out and got...

What does that mean, you got a dog?

Well, I was in kind of a hurry and it was just walking down the street. You

stole a dog.

You stole a dog that is so over the line. Over the line? You bought a five

-old girl a Mercedes.

Yeah, that's after Sam had already lost her to your two -wheeling little gigolo.

Hey, you know, it's not my fault that your son doesn't have the normal

coordination of a five -year -old. Why don't you just teach him how to ride a

bike? We tried. We ran out of Bactine.

You know, this is crazy. They're little boys. They shouldn't be judged on what

kind of toys they have or what kind of animals they're allergic to. Well, then

what should we judge them on? How cute they are? Because I don't think you want

to do that.

What is that supposed to mean?

Sammy's adorable.

Logan is adorable.

He's cute.

I wouldn't call him adorable.

You have to take your fingers out of your nose once in a while to be

Oh, really? And put them where? Down your pants?

Come on, are you kidding me?

It was just the two boys.

No toys, no dogs, no bikes. There's no way that girl doesn't choose Logan over

Sam. Well, first of all, you're high.

And unfortunately, there's no way to find that out now.

Yes, there is.

Look, here's what we'll do. We'll put them both in the yard, right? No dogs,

electric cars, no bikes. Just Sammy and Logan, all right? And then... We'll

place Claire between them and have them each call her name.

And whoever she goes to gets to keep her.

That is the stupidest idea I have ever heard. You're on.

Sammy, come out here.

Okay, little McGruff, we won't be needing you.

Why is he taking my new puppy?

Yeah, don't get too attached to that, Logan. It's a loner.

Sammy, stay right there. All right, Logan, come over here by me, please.

Hi, Claire.

Hi. We're going to play a little game.

You like games?

Yeah. I like hot dogs.

Yeah,

you know what? That's great. Just stay right there, okay?

Call her name, Logan.

Don't call her a name. Call her name.

Sammy? Say Claire.

Are you yelling at my daughter like she's a dog?

Well, I don't think we have to answer that until you answer why you didn't

before entering her house.

I did knock.

No one answered.

Then I heard people yelling my daughter's name, so I came in.

Oh, okay, Kim, go ahead and answer her question.

You know what? I don't care.

There is no excuse for what you were doing.

Let's go, Claire.

This is the last play date we're having here.

Wasn't that bad.

Greg, I was throwing her treats while you were whistling at her.

We were a camcorder away from shooting the first episode of Kindergartner's

Wild.

I'm sorry.

Oh, me too.

Our sons are going to meet a lot of girls in their lives. If we don't want

drive them all away, I think we should keep our distance.

Yeah.

Well, besides, they don't need our help with women. I mean...

I'm actually just going to figure it out, right? Like Greg and Jimmy did.

Jimmy, maybe.

When I first met Greg, he still had quite a bit to learn.

He knew all the right names for a lot of things, but he didn't know quite where

to find them.

It's true.

Excuse me, somebody told me they saw a guy in a hat taking my dog back here.

Yeah, that was me.

I, uh,

found him on the sidewalk and thought he was lost.

Well, uh, he, uh, he has our address right on the tag.

Yeah, you can't always trust those, though.

Nothing. Thanks, I guess.

My little girl would be very upset if she knew her dog was missing.

Little girl? How old is she?

Five. We just moved in about a block and a half down. Wow, that's great. I bet

she's adorable.

Yeah. She's a cutie.

Anyway, thanks again.

I'll see you around.

Bye. Bye. See you later. Bye -bye.

We should go find Sam, see if he wants to hang out.

Yeah, we haven't taken a family walk around the neighborhood in quite a

Logan, wash your face. We're going to visit your puppy.

Kevin, that is so cool. How'd you learn to do that?

My dad taught me.

Can I have your girlfriend?

I'll think about it.

I'll show you some funny pictures.