Original subtitles

You got Billy?

I'm feeling pretty good. I think I'm about to put this game away.

You ain't got the knuckle.

Morning, Mr. Stavitsky.

Let me get you a new cup of coffee on my way to turning into my uniform and

badge.

Don't worry about it.

Listen, I got a little problem.

I got my second DUI.

And they suspended my license.

So I was wondering if maybe one of you two guys might want to make a little

extra money and drive me back and forth to work.

Sure, I'll do it. This will be great.

Well, when you get to do it, maybe I want to do it. Because I could really

the money to pay off my student loans.

You didn't even go to college. Why do you think they want their money back?

I need the money, too.

Well, if you both want to do it, there's only one way to settle this.

You can kick for it.

You ready? I'm here.

It was a game for the ages. Two warriors searching for glory, battling for the

chance to drive Mr.

Savitsky.

Young kicker Billy Colavita faced the uprights in a maelstrom of howling wind.

Fighting to make his mark in history.

His aim was perfect, but he just didn't have enough finger.

With Calavita's miss leaving the door wide open, veteran Jimmy Hughes stepped

out onto the wooden tundra, hoping to be crowned a champ.

The ball soared with an air of inevitability, and paper football's next

was born.

One die -hard fan left with more than just a ticket stub and memories of a

lifetime. He also left with a corneal of rigging.

Come on, Jimmy, can you speed it up? We just got passed by a guy on a scooter

carrying a bookcase.

Sorry, I'm just being a little cautious. You know, I've never driven a car

that's expensive before. I don't want to mess it up. Are you kidding? This baby

can handle anything.

The night of my incident, I drove three miles, dragging a 30 -foot eucalyptus

branch, two mailboxes, and a pool skimmer.

That's my driveway right up there on the right, next to this mashed -up wall.

Wow, that's a big house. Yeah, big and empty.

Hey, you know what, Jimmy?

Why don't you come on in? I'll show you around. Maybe you can stay and have a

little dinner.

You know, I'd love to, Mr.

Savitsky, but Christine's expecting me home for dinner. All right, you've got a

wife waiting for you.

Must be nice.

Well, I'm sure you won't be alone forever.

No, no, if I get too lonely, I just sit the dog at the table and put a hat on

him.

Listen, Mr.

Savitsky, you know, you're welcome to come over to our house for dinner if you

want. Oh, I don't know. You live with Greg and Kim. Are you sure that'll be

right with them? Well, you're Greg's boss. I mean, even if it's not okay, you

pretty much have to pretend it is.

Good enough.

Listen, I just want to apologize in advance. My kids don't have the best

manners.

I just told you, I eat with a dog.

Well, that was delicious.

Now, you see, this is what I meant. Sitting around the table with family. It

reminds me of dinner growing up, except without Dad getting blind, drunk, and

screaming about the Catholics.

You guys are lucky to have this set up. Yeah, it's everything I ever wanted for

myself. A house in the suburbs on a quiet little street creating a wonderful

life for me and my family.

For other people.

The American dream.

I could have sworn we had a cheesecake in here.

Oh, sorry, I ate that last night.

Like I said, the American dream.

Dad, can you come play hide -and -seek with us? Not tonight, guys. We've got

company. How about you? Can you play?

Logan, leave Mr. Savitsky alone.

No, I don't mind. I'd love to play. That's the best offer I've had in

Yeah!

Actually,

the offer I had two nights ago from a desperate actress was probably better,

they don't have to know that.

I feel sorry for him. He seems so lonely.

Can you imagine living in a big house all by yourself? On a good day, I can

almost smell it.

Jimmy, I want to thank you again for having me over.

That's the nicest thing anyone's done for me since... Well, since that

actress I was telling you about.

I'm glad you enjoyed yourself.

Oh, yeah, and your family is terrific.

Now, you have to come for dinner to my house.

Really? That'd be great.

Christine would love it. We'll, you know, we'll get a sitter. Don't be

ridiculous. You bring the kids. I love those guys.

You know, Logan even asked me if I could come to his birthday party next week.

Which reminds me, what do you get a five -year -old these days?

Well, you know, I don't know, anything. You know, he really likes those animal

movies, you know, like Air Bud and MVP.

What did you want when you were five?

Oh, I just wanted the war to be over and my father to come home.

Was he in Korea?

No, he lived downtown with a cocktail waitress.

When her husband was in the war.

Mr. Svitsky, we'll be down in a moment. Make yourself comfortable.

Don't make yourself comfortable. Don't do anything that makes you comfortable,

please.

Wow, look at this place. It's unbelievable.

Logan, look what you did. Watch where you're going.

Guys, come on.

Jimmy, Jimmy, Jimmy, Jimmy.

Hey, guys, welcome.

Hey, Mrs. Switzky, we were just admiring this amazing painting of yours. Um,

help. Oh.

Don't worry about it. Just leave it. Leave it on the floor.

I knock that painting over all the time.

Sorry, Logan brushed up against it.

Where is Logan?

He climbed in that little door.

Ah! He's in the dumb wigger.

Hey, Logan!

Yeah? Where are you?

Ah, he's in the bowling alley.

Wow, you got your own bowling alley?

Yeah, well, I rent the shoes, so it pretty much pays for itself.

Look out! Get out of there!

Um, so, sorry, Mr. Savitsky. I should have kept an eye on him. Don't be

ridiculous. I want them to enjoy themselves.

I want you all to feel comfortable here.

My house may be a little bigger, but really, it's no different than yours.

Oh, great, he found the food court.

Hey, Logan, could you toss me that jar of sprinkles?

Oh, good arm.

You play baseball?

Yeah, but we keep losing balls when we hit them over the wall in the backyard.

Oh, a couple of power hitters.

Actually, it's only eight feet from home plate to the wall.

Last week, Jimmy had a sneeze that cleared the fence.

Well, you ought to come over here and play. I got a big yard that just goes to

waste, which reminds me, Christine, Jimmy, I've got something I want to show

out back.

I've got something for your kids, too. Coleman?

Wow, a plasma TV.

Well, that's very generous, but we can't accept such an expensive gift from you.

Actually, that TV was just installed in my john.

But there's something inside I think the kids will like.

Kids, shall we?

Those are kids.

I know.

Hard to believe it's the same guy who dangled Urkel out a window over a

dispute.

And rounding out our tour, this is the guest house.

Wow, this is amazing. Does Coleman live here?

No, Coleman lives... I don't know where he lives.

But he's always there when I ring the bell.

This is amazing.

Well, I'm glad you like it.

Would you like to move into it?

Excuse me? I know it sounds crazy, but I love having your family around. Your

kids are fantastic.

And I think it could work out for all of us.

Wow, I don't know what to say.

I mean, look, this place has more room than where you are now, and it's in one

of the best school districts in the country.

Are you serious about that?

I know I just sprung it on you.

Why don't you think about it? I'll go for a walk while you talk it over.

If I'm not back in 45 minutes, check the bar at the bottom of the street and

call my sponsor.

My God, how great is this?

Great? I think it's weird.

I mean, I barely know the guy. I'll tell you all you need to know about him.

He's got an amazing guest house, and he wants us to live in it. Look, Jimmy, I

know the house is great, all right? We can't just up and move. Why not?

Christine, when we moved into Greg and Kim's house, we knew it was only going

be temporary, and everything about this place is better than there, right?

I know, but Greg and Kim are family.

Yeah, well, maybe, but let's face it. We've really kind of overstayed our

welcome there.

Well, you're right about that.

The other night we were playing Scrabble and Greg's first word was, get out.

Let's face it, I know it's kind of sudden, but I can't think of a reason

do it.

Well, I mean, I guess it would be good for the kids. Yeah.

They'd get to go to a great school and... Do you see the size of that yard?

could run around there for hours.

Jimmy, we could have free -range children.

So, what do you think? Can we do it?

Mr. Stavitsky thought you might like some Irish coffee.

He also wanted you to know that he gets his breakfast in bed at 7 .30.

So, if you did move in, I'd have to bring yours at either 7 or 8.

Oh, we are so moving in here.

Jim, look around. This place is amazing. You should be happy for us. Oh, no.

But I'm going to miss you guys.

We've talked about this, right? We're ten minutes away. We're going to see

other all the time.

I guess.

But it's hard to see you move.

Now, we've lived together for four years.

I don't even want to put this box down. It just seems so final.

Take one more load. Let's move, let's move, let's move.

I think it's safe to say you're the only one who didn't want us to move. Okay,

so I'm excited to get my guest house back. I've always dreamed of turning it

into a home theater, you know, with surround sound.

Closest I've come to surround sound in the last four years is watching Jurassic

Park with you and Jimmy on either side of me munching on corn nuts.

Hey, everybody, who wants some lemonade?

Dad, Mom, can we meet Jason at the go -kart track?

No, guys, listen, we're too busy unpacking to help you, okay?

And you guys have your own box to unpack.

Start with the box labeled Dominic's toys.

Stay away from the box labeled Mommy's toys.

Can't you unpack for us? We never go to the go -kart.

I'm sorry, Logan, but your mom's right, okay? You guys have responsibilities

here. Okay, look, nobody likes helping somebody move.

I'm walking on sunshine.

And Tony feels...

You know, Jimmy, I could do it.

What? I could take your kids to the go -kart.

I've got nothing else going on today, and it'd be fun.

Hey, how about I call a limo, and we could ride in style?

Can you, Dad? I've never been in a limo. And don't worry about the boxes.

Coleman, I want you to unpack all of Dominic and Logan's boxes.

Come on.

All right, I guess that's all right. Great! Let's go, kids!

Yeah!

Oh, Coleman, um, just so you know, all of these are Dominic and Logan's boxes.

Man, I can't get over this place. You see that giant massaging showerhead in

bathroom? See it? I already have a date with it tomorrow morning.

Christine, great news.

I heard you're a Heath Ledger fan, so tomorrow night is movie night.

What?

Watching a Heath Ledger movie in a private screening room? Actually, we're

watching Cold Mountain. But I invited Heath to watch the movie with us. Oh, my

God.

Big deal. Heath Ledger is just a guy no different than me.

Well, I hope you're right.

That way, ten minutes into the movie, he'll be asleep with his pants open.

Oh, Jimmy, here's the sandwich you wanted. Just the way you like it.

Oh.

Oh, you put the chips on the outside.

That's okay. I'll put them in the sandwich. No.

I took the liberty of putting them in the sandwich and on the side. And if you

don't mind, the chips inside are barbecue.

I thought that might bring out the taste of the tuna.

You know what you can have, Heath Ledger?

I'm thinking of driving Coleman up to Massachusetts and making an honest man

him.

How are the go -karts? Great.

So who's the best driver?

Mr. Savinsky was.

The court didn't revoke my go -kart license.

And I've still got the touch.

Some ten -year -old kept cutting off Logan, so I sent a little twerp into the

hay bales.

It was awesome!

Hey, you know, Logan keeps talking about his birthday party. I wonder if you

guys had anything in mind for it. Oh, we're just going to go over to Greg and

Kim's for a small party. Really?

Because you're welcome to have it here.

What do you think, buddy?

Would you rather have your party here?

Yeah, it'd be great.

Yeah,

I guess that could work.

Yeah, I mean, we do live here now.

Come on, Logan.

Let's go push Coleman to the pool again.

So what do you think we should do for the party? I could put up a huge tent

have a caterer bring in some food.

No, no, no, no. We thank you for offering your house for the party, but

really want to do anything extravagant. We're just kind of simple people, and

it's important to raise our kids that way, too.

Fine, we'll keep it simple. Coleman, I'll have Coleman pick up a little cake.

God,

I love those two kids.

When are we going to open my presents? Well, as soon as your friends get here.

What we're going to do, play some pin the tail on the donkey, we're going to

some cake, and then we're going to open your presents, okay?

What's all this?

It's Logan's birthday party. Happy birthday, Logan.

Hey, what's going on here?

Well, you said Logan liked animal movies, so I got him all. Air Bud, the

from Babe, and a hockey -playing monkey.

Wow!

I meant buying a DVD.

Um, who are all these people?

Well, I found out who's going to be in Logan's school next year, so I invited

everyone in his class.

Logan, let's get you dressed up in some roller hockey gear so you can mix it up

with that crazy monkey hat.

I can't believe this.

Hey, guys, isn't this party amazing?

No, it's not amazing.

It's ridiculous.

I mean, we specifically told Savitsky our philosophy about raising our

Then he goes behind our backs and throws this huge party.

Well, come on. It's not that big a deal. When you think about it, it's like

having a petting suit.

That'll do, pig.

Is this cool or what?

Where's Savitsky? I need him to put a stop to all this.

What are you going to do, Jimmy? Have him send everyone home?

Yeah. Send everybody home.

Except for the guy with the funnel cake. There's no reason we should punish

ourselves.

Jimmy, we're just going to have to wait until after the party to talk to

Savitsky. I mean, look at Logan. He's having the time of his life.

I guess you're right. I can't stop this now.

Look at this place. I mean, could this party get any crazier?

The party's been over for an hour. I think it's time we let the monkey go

Yeah. I feel good about having given him a job, though. He's had a rough go of

it since things went south over at Neverland.

Here, monkey, thanks.

Mr. Savitsky, we need to talk to you about something.

Hey, I'm sorry about the mix -up with that phallic -shaped ice sculpture.

Somewhere in L .A., there's a bachelorette doing vodka shots off the

Dora the Explorer.

Look, we told you we don't believe in throwing our kids a big extravagant

birthday party.

Well, I don't know what the big deal is.

Logan had fun. Everyone else had fun.

All those girls are going to be in his new class. We're looking at him like he

was king.

I mean, if that kid wasn't five years old, hoo -ha!

Yeah, look, we know he had fun, but that doesn't make it right.

We're his parents, right? And we know what's best for our children.

Says who?

What? The kid had the time of his life.

Okay, listen, Mr. Savitsky, with all due respect, okay, that's not the point.

We told you, we just want to raise our kids a certain way.

Well, you might want to rethink that, because you don't live in Mayberry

anymore. This is Los Angeles.

What is that supposed to mean?

Well, I've been watching you and your little lackadaisical when it comes to

kids. If you want them to succeed, you better start pushing them a little more.

My kids are doing just fine, and I haven't pushed them since I was at 10

centimeters.

might want to start. I mean, Dominic's eight, and he doesn't even play an

instrument. You don't know what you're talking about. I mean, Dominic's never

even shown any interest in playing an instrument.

You don't wait till they show an interest. You make them, and they'll

it later on. You think Beethoven wanted to learn how to play the piano?

No. His parents made him, and if he didn't practice, they tied his hands to

piano with wire.

That didn't happen to Beethoven.

Of course it did.

Or is that how they taught that monkey how to play hockey?

We can't stay here.

Dominic Logan, get in here!

Why can't you stay here? Because it's becoming very obvious that you're going

try to raise our kids your way.

Look, we really appreciate you letting us stay here, but we just... We've got

go back home.

We're moving back to Greg and Kim's. But we like it here.

Well, you know what? Sometimes life is about making difficult decisions, and

we've got a difficult one right now about whether we should go home or stay

here.

Good choice, Dominic. Now, how would you like to take an oboe lesson on Tuesday?

Oh.