Original subtitles

Hey, guys. Guys, the boss just called.

I need you to go upstairs and get the rehearsal piano and bring it down to

five. This isn't even our job.

Look, guys, the call came in, okay? It's got to be done.

I'll tell you what. I'll make you a deal, okay? You guys go upstairs.

You move this piano.

I'll move the next one.

In fact, you know what?

I'll move the next two.

The next two?

Jimmy, I've been here for five years, and it's the first time I've ever had to

move a piano. Yeah, so at this rate...

You're not going to have to move a piano for another ten years.

Ten years?

Come on, Roy, let's jump on this before he changes his mind.

All right, guys, listen, I'm leaving my radio on if you need anything, okay?

Okay, room 204, all right.

There it is.

Oh, sweet, the whole piano's on wheels.

roll this bad boy right on out of here.

What the hell? This thing isn't budging.

Oh, that's because the brake is on. I got it.

are. Gets you a little shaken up, huh?

A little?

I'd be dead if I hadn't dropped that bag of Skittles.

You know, I never thought my sweet tooth would be the thing that saved my life.

Hey, candy hasn't been wrapping plaque around your heart for the last 20 years

to let a piano swoop in and finish the job.

Oh, but it's funny, though. I feel like I got this whole new lease on life. My

entire outlook has changed.

What's with Bach?

This is my little box of stuff, you know, things I've been collecting over

years. You know, I got my diploma. I got some baseball cards here. Oh, look at

this. This is the first dollar I made. Oh, mowing lawn?

No, I made it. That's when color copiers came out.

And here it is. When I was in high school, I made a list of all the things

wanted to do someday before I died. Wow, Jimmy, that's pretty neat.

I never knew you were the goal -oriented type.

Well, yeah, and thanks to Christine, I've already achieved a couple of these.

Well, marry a hot chick.

Have a kid on purpose.

But there's still a lot of wild stuff on here that I haven't done yet.

Host my own TV talk show.

Ride in a stock car with a NASCAR driver.

Fight with a professional hockey player.

Sleep with a supermodel.

Hey, no, wait a minute. I made this list before we got married. I'll change it.

I'll change it to, like, you know, dance with a supermodel, huh?

And again, anybody can do that. I'll tell you, I'm going to freak dance with

supermarket.

Come on, Jimmy. You're 35 years old. Don't you think it's a little silly to

running around with a list you made as a teenager?

Why? Just because I got older?

Okay, look, we all have crazy dreams when we're teenagers.

And then we get older, we give up on them. Well, I'm not giving up on these.

You know, there's still a lot of fun things on that list, and I'm going to do

every single one of them. But, Jimmy, seriously, how are you going to do these

things? Write a song and have it sung by a famous musician?

Tim, we live in Hollywood. There's famous musicians all over this town. You

what else there is all over town?

Trash cans. So you might want to save yourself a little time, find one, and

throw that list into it.

Okay. You know what? Yeah, you guys go ahead and laugh, okay? But I got some

dreams, and I've ignored them for too long. And I don't care if you guys think

this is a stupid list.

I'm going to check off every item on it, and I'm going to need any help from any

one of you.

Anybody got a pen?

What is going on?

Dad showed me how to tie a secret pirate knot, but he didn't show me how to

untie it.

Well, can you breathe?

I'm fine.

All right, well, Daddy will be home soon. If you get lightheaded, call me.

Okay.

Where is Jimmy anyway?

Oh, he's staying late at work. He's trying to write a song. You're kidding.

No, he's serious about doing everything on that lift. Billy and Roy got him a

couple of how -to books, and he's convinced that he can teach himself how

write a song. Oh.

I guess it's possible.

There's a sea lion down at SeaWorld who can play What I Did for Love on a set of

bulb horns.

You know what? I feel bad I made fun of him. I mean, Billy and Roy are helping

him. I'm his wife. Why am I not helping him?

Hello. Hey, honey.

How'd it go at work? Did you write the song?

Not yet, but I think I got a pretty good start on one. Yeah, see, the book says

I should write about what I know, so I'm writing a song about my job as a

security guard.

That sounds cool.

Let's hear it.

Okay. Another morning in my security box.

Every stage has free bagels and lox.

I just noticed that I'm wearing two different colored socks.

That's it? Yeah, so far.

Yeah. And at the end, it's going to go...

Honey, I'm sorry that I made fun of you yesterday.

If this is important to you, it's important to me, so I want to help you

your list.

Really? How?

Well, I was thinking at school they have a TV studio, and I bet they'd let us

use it, and you could host your own talk show on campus. On campus? Would

anybody feed?

Well, I don't know, maybe 30 or 40 people in the dorms, and who's ever

lunch in the cafeteria?

That many?

Christine, that would be awesome.

All right, listen, you guys are going to have to hurry it up. We've got a class

in here in 45 minutes. Oh, sure. Thanks for letting us do this.

You ready? Are you kidding me? Ready? I've been waiting for this my whole

Places, everybody.

Okay, go get behind your desk.

And in 5, 4, 3, 2... Live from room 602

of the Nelson P. Guild Communications Building, it's the Jimmy Hughes Show,

starring Jimmy Hughes.

Now put down those sloppy joes and give a big closed circuit welcome to...

Jimmy Hughes.

Hey, hello, everyone. It's great to be here.

Yes, it is, sir. You are correct.

Hey, everyone. This is my sidekick, Billy. Please make him feel welcome.

the first time he's been on a college campus without a car full of pizzas and

30 -minute guarantee.

Good one, sir.

So, Billy, what did you do today?

Went to work.

I had a really good lunch. Oh, really?

Good lunch.

What did you have?

Turkey sandwich.

Turkey sandwich?

Hmm.

Did you have a drink with that?

As a matter of fact, I did. I had a 32 -ounce... You know what? Hold that

thought, Billy.

We'll be right back with Billy's beverage of choice after a word from our

sponsors.

We don't have...

is how you replace a urinal cake.

I'd like to thank Eddie the janitor for taking some time out of his day and his

busy schedule to be on our show. Thank you, Eddie.

Right.

Oh, Billy.

That was pretty informative.

Kemp, you're supposed to wait until I say something funny to do a rim cut.

I got tired of waiting.

Well, I can see from the arrival of our Video Journalism 101 class that we're

about out of time. I'd like to thank my announcer, Christine, my sidekick,

Billy, and let's hear it for my one woman band, Kim.

And sorry we didn't have more time for Eddie the janitor. Thanks again, Eddie.

guess next time we'll get to your demonstration, but we're just going to

take your word for it that sawdust absorbs more vomit than sand.

I see you got my message. Jimmy, get ready to cross off number nine on your

list. You got me a supermodel? Oh, my God.

Hey, Christine, don't be jealous, okay? Remember, I changed sleep with to freak

dance with.

Enjoy yourself.

Wow, this is an incredible night or what?

You must be Jimmy.

Now, remember, Jimmy, no sex, just freak dancing.

What are you doing? Hey, your list just said supermodel.

Jimmy, when Billy told me about your story, I was touched.

Once upon a time, I had a list of goals, too. One was to come to America and to

be a model.

Then I accomplished my goal, so I thought I would help you accomplish

Come on, Jimmy.

Fabio is a supermodel. And he was nice enough to come down here and dance with

you. Now, do you want to finish that list or not?

Hey, Fabio.

Yes, Jimmy?

Let's get our freak on.

Can you hold this?

Sure. Thank you.

I thought you said you could get Heidi Klum.

Well, I could, but I thought this was fun. Yeah.

Come on, Jimmy.

Greg has a special surprise for you.

That's right, Jimmy. Now that you've crossed a couple of those things off

list, I have to admit I'm really rooting for you. So when I found out there was

going to be a singer shooting a music video on the lot today, I got him the

biggest and best trailer I could.

He asked me what he could do to repay me, so I told him about my friend with

list. Jimmy, it's my pleasure to introduce to you Mr.

John Hyatt.

Ladies and gentlemen, I'm honored to introduce a new song by a songwriter who

do believe will follow in the footsteps of Hank Williams, Bob Dylan, Willie

Nelson, and, well, me.

The song is called Things I Think About at Work by Mr. Jimmy Hughes.

Another morning in my security box.

Every stage has three bagels and lox.

I just noticed I'm wearing two different colored socks.

Man, this vanilla coke really rocks.

Second favorite actor, gotta be Captain Kirk.

These are things I think about at work.

I wonder if they notice still alive.

I wonder if there's any donuts left on stage five.

Movie Memento had a very confusing story.

Will Joe Gibbs bring the Redskins back to glory?

I've never met Pierce Brosnan.

Got a feeling he's kind of a jerk.

These are things I think about at work.

I think Mr.

T could take Russell Crowe in a fight, don't you?

I'd like to be Mr. Britney Spears for just one night.

I've always thought that guinea pigs were odd. They don't even look like

The man who invented that rachet is a god.

If I were Herculean, all my best friends could just call me Herc.

These are things I think about at work.

Ho!

I used to have a next -door neighbor, and he'd yell at me when I'd cut through

his yard, either going to school or coming home.

And once he threw a rock at my dog, and then he'd call the cops when I played my

music, no matter how loud or quiet it was.

And he had a weird limp from the Second World War, and he smoked like a chimney,

swore like a sailor, and he drank beer all day, and he hated hot guts, and his

name was Frank McGurk.

The thing I think about at work.

Yeah, the things I think about at work.

I think about it worse.

Welcome

to

the 7th Annual NHL Legends Chariot Game.

So it gives me a chance to get out and lace them up one more time and raise a

little money for charity. Yep.

By the way, are you a celebrity?

No. See, I was supposed to be working security for this event, but I slept

a uniform because my dream has always been to mix it up with a real NHL tough

guy. I see. You're not security?

And you're the toughest of all time.

Thank you.

You ready to go, old man?

Go where?

Come on. You heard me.

I'm going to show you how, Mr. Howe.

Thank you.

Listen, I think I broke my shoulder when I fell.

I got a piece of paper on my waistband. Could you pull it out and cross off

number seven?

I still can't believe you're here.

I can't believe I'm sitting in my living room next to Dale Earnhardt Jr.

Huh? Huh?

What do you think? Oh, God, little E?

It's little E. What are you doing here?

Well, Kim wrote me a letter about all the things you want to do before you

So I'm here to help. I'm going to give you a ride.

Oh, my God, this is amazing.

I can't believe this.

First off, if you don't mind me asking, what's wrong with you?

You know, what are you dying of?

Oh. I don't know. I think you misunderstood.

Are you familiar with Luberderma?

Yes.

I haven't.

Hey, let me ask you something. Yeah.

Hey, David, this isn't what I bargained for.

Don't you worry, man.

Thank you guys so much for helping me out with all this stuff. I am so lucky

have you guys in my life. Did you sign the release?

Yep. Hey, well, you better go put on your suit. All right.

You're going to be late for work.

Why? What's the point?

What's your problem? You just spent a week doing everything you ever wanted to

do in the world.

You know, I thought after I do them, I'd feel great. But the truth is, I don't

feel great. It's like I'm done. There's nothing left.

I got nothing to look forward to.

What? That's ridiculous.

Is it, Christine?

It's like I've achieved all my goals and now it's just a downward spiral until

I'm old and decrepit and somebody has to lift me on and off the toilet.

Can you imagine a worse future?

Yeah, considering I'm going to be the one doing the lifting.

Look, Jimmy, considering how much we all did for you this week, I'm really not

in the mood to be a guest at your little pity party.

So, you know, if you want to mope around and feel sorry for yourself, that's

fine. I got to go to school.

Oh, yeah.

School.

Dreams, you've got it all ahead of you, honey. I envy you.

Dad?

Hey, guys, what's up?

How do you spell hippopotamus?

Well, you know, some words, they got little tricks in them to help you

how to spell them.

But this one, why go through all that trouble? Just write hippo.

Was this for homework or something?

No, it's for a list.

What does it think is right a hippopotamus?

Your list?

Yeah. We made a list of things we want to do, just like you.

Let's take a look at this.

Let's see.

Oh.

Stay up till 11 o 'clock?

Record a song with the Wiggles?

Drink a whole bottle of chocolate syrup?

I've been there, done that.

Can you help us with our list?

Of course I will. You know why?

Because you know what the last thing on my list was?

Helping you guys with your list.

Do you really think we can sing a song with the Wiggles?

Of course you can.

All you got to do is write them a letter.

Dominic, are you familiar with Lubriderma?

No.

Well, you haven't.

And now, we've got a real treat. A world premiere video from John Hyatt. This is

Things I Think About at Work.

Another morning in my security box.

Every stage has three bagels in lock.

I just noticed I'm wearing two different colored socks.

And this vanilla Coke really rocks.

My second favorite actor has got to be Captain Kirk.

These are things I think about at work.

I wonder if a pagoda's still alive.

I wonder if there's any donuts left on stage five.

Movie Memento had a very confusing story.

Will Joe Gibbs bring the Redskins back to glory?

I've never met Pierce Brosnan. I got a feeling that he's kind of a jerk.

These are things I think about at work. You didn't copyright that song, did you?

Yeah, these are things I think about at work.