Original subtitles

Hey. Hey.

Kim, I've told you a million times you have to go upstairs and go to sleep if

you want Santa Claus to come.

I was thinking about remodeling the fireplace.

Oh, God.

What? Come on. Every time I've said I wanted to change the fireplace, you've

agreed. Not really, Kim. Sometimes I just smile and nod and hope you'll move

Well, I'm not moving on. I asked Christine and she agreed with me. Didn't

Christine?

Yeah, that nodding and smiling thing, who do you think you got that from?

It's just not a good time for me. I got all this stuff going on at work. I want

to come home and relax, not build a new fireplace.

You don't have to be involved in this at all if you don't want to. I'll do it.

Yeah, that'll happen.

What's that supposed to mean?

You just say you can handle these projects around the house by yourself,

always end up dragging me into it. Do not.

Then how do I know what a pillow sham is, Kim? How do I know that?

What is that?

It's a pillowcase you can't even put your head on.

That is a sham.

You suck me into this every time. You know, first you'll need my opinion on

contractor to hire. Then you won't be sure of the paint color. We'll argue

that for a day and a half. Then you're going to drag me off to the store to

out tiles.

Greg, I thought you would want to be involved in this, but fine.

I can do this by myself.

Well, you say you can, but you can't. It's like when Emily says she can go to

the bathroom by herself. Either way, I'm going to be up to my elbows in crap.

Well, don't worry. Believe it or not, I can handle this on my own. All you have

to do is come home from work and watch TV.

I'm having the fireplace redone, and I'm doing it by myself.

Okay. Don't you nod and smile at me.

I can do this. Don't you think so, Christine?

Of course you can, Kim.

You can do anything you put your mind to. Thank you.

Okay, did you get that? Nodding and smiling is out. You can do anything you

your mind to is in.

So I was thinking about doing something different, but not too different.

A little eclectic without sticking out too much. You know what I mean?

No.

Hello. Hi.

No need. You don't need to meet him. He's not involved in this. Go ahead.

TV. Go. Sit down.

Anyway, I wanted to expand the dynamic of the room without losing the Spanish

feel of the house.

I guess I'm looking for some suggestions.

Blue.

Really? I don't know.

These contractors are so frustrating.

None of them have any ideas.

I don't want the fireplace to pull focus from the rest of the room.

But the heart should be the centerpiece of the home.

Yeah.

Back in the guest house, we feel the same way about our space heater.

We wanted to put it close to the bed, but that made it too hot. And then we

wanted to put it by the window, but then there was a chance that the curtains

might catch on fire.

It turned out more than a chance.

Sit down. It's another contractor.

Hi, Kim. Yeah.

Um, Gordon?

Yeah.

Wow. Look at the space. You've really taken advantage of the light.

Thank you.

What I was thinking of doing which I'm sorry before a client tells me what they

would like to do I like to take a minute to think about what I would like to do

Do you mind no?

Can I turn this down for a second he always watches it so loud

I'd start with the

fireplace

That's what I want to do.

Can I have the remote back?

What do you think about real Spanish tile?

I love them.

But let's not go straight traditional.

I think we can get a little funky.

What about a brick base?

We could do that. Or I've been experimenting with some really cool acid

treatments on concrete.

We could do a nice earthy color. I'll bring you some samples.

That sounds great.

Oh, sorry.

So, where did you study art? How did you know I studied art?

Oh, come on. Look at this place. It should be on a canvas.

I got a B .A. from the University of Virginia. Yeah, and you're getting some

.S. right here in your own living room.

I was also a graphic designer for four years. I knew you were one of us.

Look, I could check on another job, but I really want to work with you on this.

I think you and I could do something totally original here.

Do you want to give me an estimate before you leave?

Oh, I don't do estimates.

These guys, they always bid way too low, and then halfway through the job, they

jack up the price and hold you hostage.

I charge 500 a day.

Usually, it turns out to be less than any bid you're going to get.

Okay, great.

I'll call you. Okay, bye.

Bye.

Wow. Yeah, what a phony.

Tony, I think he's great.

Are you kidding me? Oh, Kim, this place should be on a canvas. Oh, Kim, I could

tell you're one of us, and $500 a day, what's that about?

I am one of them, and if you looked at the other estimates, you'd see that $500

a day is not that unreasonable.

He didn't even say how long... We're not talking about this. This isn't your

project. Well, it might not be my project, but you're going to be paying

with my... Greg!

Before you finish that sentence, I want you to know that if I hear the words my

money coming out of your mouth... you're going to be trying to pry my foot out

of your ass.

Good luck with your project.

We could go with pumpkin.

I like it. But I don't think Greg will go for pumpkin. He doesn't like colors

with girly -sounding names.

No problem. I've dealt with lots of husbands like him before.

From now on, we'll call it new basketball.

He'll love it.

Oh, and if we end up going with the avocado, we'll call it God Course Green.

You're evil.

Where's my coffee mug?

Uh -oh.

Are you the one who loves Scarfield but hates Mondays?

Yeah. Sorry.

It was the biggest cup and I wanted a lot of coffee. Don't worry about it,

Just take another mug.

Hey, you know what might be fun?

That little art gallery I told you about is near the tile store. When we go

there this afternoon, we should pop in.

Oh, I don't know. I was going to make lunch. Well, we'll get something while

we're out.

Oh, sorry.

Guess you're going to have to get up a little earlier next time, sleepyhead.

Yeah, okay.

Will do.

He'd stay in bed all day if he could. I don't know how people do that. Well, if

I got $500 a day to drink coffee and make chit -chat, I'd hop out of bed like

little jackrabbit, too.

That guy's got quite a racket going on in there. What?

Gordon, they're going to art galleries together, having lunch, like I'm paying

the guy $500 a day to date my wife.

I think you're a little jealous. What? I think maybe you're a little threatened

that your wife has found someone with some common interest who isn't you.

I couldn't care less. I don't like talking about art and design and all

stuff. Besides, why be jealous of that guy? Yeah, I guess he is kind of nerdy

-looking.

Yeah, and we all know Kim is only attracted to big, muscly, model -looking

types.

Like the rock over there.

God, what is that smell?

Gordon made himself a VLT sandwich.

VLT? What's a V stand for? Vomit?

That's vegan bacon.

Tastes pretty good if you wrap it around a hot dog.

I'm glad at $500 a day you can find time to make a heart -smart meal. Where is

he now? Gathering acorns for dessert?

Nah. I knocked off around 2.

2 o 'clock?

That's it. Kim!

Kim!

What?

I can't take this anymore.

What? It's been four days and this thing still isn't finished. I said I wouldn't

get involved, but I'm not going to sit around and watch you be taken advantage

of. It's done.

What? It's done.

I wanted to surprise you.

You finished in half the time you thought.

And the price was lower than all the other estimates.

Wow. I did it all by myself, Greg.

hired a guy, figured out what I wanted, paid him, and you didn't have to lift a

finger. Well, actually, I did lift a finger a few times, but it was never

Gordon could see it.

Yeah, well, it's all done, and I did it all by myself.

What do you have to say for yourself, huh?

What do you have to say?

What's that big splotch? What?

Right there. It looks like it's a different color than the rest of it.

That must have changed color when it dried.

So your buddy Gordon kind of messed up, didn't he?

It's not a big deal.

He's coming by tomorrow to take some pictures for his portfolio, and I'll

it to him and he'll fix it.

Oh, yeah, he messes up and you're all patient. Last week I get a little pee on

the floor and I never hear the end of it.

Greg, it was the kitchen floor.

It was a long ride home. I was lucky to even make it into the house.

You see what I was talking about?

Yeah. The primer I used must have reacted badly with the acid.

A kid in my high school reacted badly with some acid. Now he wears a helmet to

the market.

Like I said, I've never used this particular faux finish before.

But you can fix it, right? Yeah, yeah.

Or, you know what would look good?

If you put a pillow over it.

What? Yeah, yeah.

You could put a pillow over it, and then when people come over, they could sit

there. It would be like an extra seat.

See? Funky, huh?

Yeah. Well, what do you say we just fix it, and then if I want to put a pillow

over it, I still can?

Well, yeah, but you see, the thing is, in order to fix it, I have to completely

redo the whole thing.

And if you're going to put a pillow there anyway.

I never said I was going to put a pillow there.

Okay, you're right. You're totally right.

I have a job to do tomorrow, but I'll come by in the next few days and fix it.

Thank you.

If I could see one thing.

You see what I mean?

I'm not putting a pillow over it. Right, right.

Pillow, wrong.

Basket of kindling.

I'll see you in a few days.

Hey, Gordon, it's Kim.

Look, it's been a couple of days and I haven't heard from you. No big deal or

anything. I was just wondering when you were coming by.

Give me a call. Bye.

Hey, Gordon, it's Kim.

Listen, it's been a week and I haven't gotten a call back yet.

Maybe you went out of town or something, but if you're checking your messages, I

would really appreciate a call.

So I know when you might be coming by to finish the job.

Thanks.

Hey, schmuck.

What the hell is going on?

I've left you ten messages in the last two weeks and you still haven't called

back. Maybe you forgot who I am. Kim Warner.

I paid you to do a job.

We picked out tiles together.

We went to the art gallery together.

I made coffee for you.

You know what? If you think that you're going to just ignore me and act like

none of that ever happened, think again.

I will not be ignored.

If I don't hear from you by the end of the day, I am going to hunt you down and

drag you back to this house by your...

Do you want me to go home? I'm taking care of it, thank you.

Hey, Gordon.

Message number 57.

57.

Call me.

Jim, why don't you just do what I used to do when a guy didn't turn my call?

I don't think making out with his brother is going to help.

Not with that attitude, it's not.

Dude, your wife sort of lost her mind. I know. I've never seen her like this.

It's kind of hot.

It's pretty scary when someone throws her over. I know.

It's great.

Before she calms down, I'm going to take her by that dry cleaner to lock my

pants.

I can't stand seeing her like this. I wish there was something I could do to

help. Well, then help her. Well, how, Jimmy? I mean, you heard her. She wants

to stay out of it. You know, what am I supposed to do? Fix it.

Get involved without her knowing.

Well, how? Gordon's not returning her calls. He's certainly not going to

mine. Where's his number? I think it's on the bulletin board.

Here it is.

Gordon must be.

Jimmy, that says Gordon must die.

Gordon must die.

What are you doing? You just got to trust me on this, Greg, okay?

When you deal with a snake...

You have to think like a snake.

Hello, Gordon. Yeah, how you doing, man? This is Wayne Gibson.

Yeah, look, I got your number from an interior designer I'm working with, and

I was really thinking about having some major remodeling done, and I'd really

love to talk to you. Can you give me a call?

Okay.

310 -555 -0122.

Thanks a lot.

I look forward to hearing from you.

How'd you think of that?

That's how I always get my father to call me back.

Except with him, I tell him he won a free television.

Well, okay, say he calls back. Now what am I supposed to say to him? Well, you

could just talk to him man to man, okay? You just gotta tell him the one thing

that every guy can understand and sympathize with.

Tell him your wife is crazy.

back to me so quickly i appreciate this can you hold on for a second uh yeah

gordon uh no this this isn't lane this is greg warner kim warner's husband

listen now please please don't hang up gordon i really need to speak to you man

the man look my wife is crazy i know i know i told her to put a

pillow over it too

Listen, I really appreciate you doing this. Oh, hey, I get it. I could tell

after the 20th message that she's crazy.

I feel bad for you. You know, if you need help, there's numbers you can call.

Oh, in fact, here, if you ever really get nervous, use this. It's an attack

whistle.

Well, thank you. I feel safer already.

I'm just happy we could find a time for me to fix it while she was out.

Greg, he'll never get to the truck I thought parked around the corner.

That weaselly little... Little jerk must have... Well, well, well.

Look who finally decided to finish the job.

Look, I don't want any trouble. I was just leaving.

Guess my messages must have finally gotten to you, huh?

See, and you didn't think I could get things done on my own. Yep, you were

right. Got things done all by yourself. Okay, see you later, Gordon.

Uh, yeah.

I'm just gonna go.

That's right. Job well done. Take care now. Hurry on out without apologizing.

Guess you're just too much of a cowardly rat to admit how wrong you were.

What? Okay, drive safe.

Hey, I didn't come back because I was wrong. I came back because your husband

called me and explained to me you were crazy.

What? Crazy. You know, crazy talented with all this art stuff.

I came back for him.

He tracked me down and told me what a crazy, miserable lunatic you are.

I felt bad for him. I mean, I can change my phone number and escape your

psychodrama, but this poor guy has to listen to your insane ranting about your

fireplace for the rest of his life.

Hey, take it easy, Greg. I left some cards in case you have friends who need

work done.

Well, the fireplace looks terrific.

How could you do this?

How could you sell me out to someone who so obviously screwed me over by calling

and telling them I'm crazy?

What were you thinking, Greg?

What the hell were you thinking?

Come on, Kim. I was just trying to help. And your way of helping is saying I'm

crazy? I don't actually think you're crazy. I was tricking the guy, and he's

big enough idiot to believe it. I mean, he came back and finished the job. Now,

isn't that what you really wanted?

Yes.

But I didn't want you to have to get involved.

I didn't have to. I wanted to.

Now, the fireplace does look great.

Yeah, it looks great. It's finished, and we did it as a team.

You really don't think I'm crazy, right? Of course not.

You wouldn't happen to know what happened to my truck, would you?

Truck? Did something happen to your truck?

Yeah, somebody smashed up my truck.

Really? Did it look bad?

It looked awful.

Why don't you put a pillow over it?

I was just in the garage looking for my... Who's this?

Uh, David Miller.

He, uh, he won a, uh, walk -on, roll -on yes here at a charity event.

And we didn't have any scenes with any extras in it tonight, so...

So, uh...

I gotta stay late and do a scene with this guy just sitting on the couch.

Greg, it's for charity.

Okay? Besides, he brought his whole family here from Boston.

Fine.

We'll at least go stand in high def.

A little further.

David, you got a high -definition television set?

No, huh? All right. Well, listen, you're probably going to have to go out and

buy one. Otherwise, you're not going to see yourself.

The other way. No, go the other way.