Original subtitles

Hey, do we have plans this Saturday?

Yeah, my friend Tracy's having a pool party. I was kind of hoping we could go.

Oh, yeah, good.

I wouldn't miss it for the world. Really? I thought you hated my friend

I do, but so does her husband, so we have a lot of things to talk about.

Besides, anything would be better than going to this movie premiere that Mr.

Savitsky wants me to go to. A movie premiere?

That sounds like fun.

Well, not when you have to go all the time. This will be the third one this

month. I don't want to do it anymore.

Sick of the crowds, the traffic, walking down the red carpet.

Well, I thought that'd be fun.

You would think so until you hear 50 angry paparazzi yelling, get out of the

way, nobody.

That's not true. That one photographer took your picture once.

Thought Greg was Mr. Bean.

There was a bee chasing me, Kim. Of course I'm going to act a little spazzy.

Wait a minute, isn't Mr. Savitsky expecting you to be there? No, he's

be out of town this weekend, so he's not going to be there either. It's the

perfect one for me to miss. Besides, the only reason I go is for him to see me

there anyway.

Oh, great. I'll call Tracy and tell her you want to come. Good.

Oh, Kim, do you know where my Mark Spitz American flag bathing suit is?

I don't want to tell you this again.

It was a Valentine's Day gift, and it was a joke.

Greg's kind of jaded, huh?

Yeah, imagine going to so many Hollywood premieres that you actually get sick of

them. I'd like to know what it's like to go to just one.

Me too.

Of course, we could never get in unless we had badges.

Would you like to go to a premiere, Mrs. Kim Warner?

Thank you.

Mr. Greg Warner.

All right, now that we're going to be pretending to be Greg and Kim on

night, we should probably get a little practice pretending to be them tonight.

What, like going to bed without doing it?

You know, it's been a long day. I'm tired.

I told Tracy we'd be over around five.

Okay, great. Hey, is your friend Monica going to be there? Yeah, I guess so. You

think she's going to want to swim?

What, you want to see Monica's new boobs in her bathing suit?

No, no, not in her bathing suit.

Okay, guys, we're going out.

We got a sitter out back with Dominic and Logan. Have fun at the pool party.

Thanks. What are you guys up to tonight?

Just going to go to dinner with some friends.

Oh, yeah? Where are you going?

P .F. Chang's.

P .F. Chang Hooters.

It's a new hybrid restaurant.

Yeah, there's no MSG in the food and there's no silicone in the waitresses.

Not one person who couldn't work there.

Good night.

All right, looks like we're clear.

I can't believe we're going to a big Hollywood movie premiere. This is going

be so glamorous.

That's right, baby. Get ready for the richest night of your life. Now, come

Our clothes are in a garbage bag in my trunk.

We can get changed behind the dumpster at the Arco station.

Oh, excuse me. Yeah. Take some more of those.

Thank you.

Jimmy, you're eating duck pate. Do you know what part of the duck that comes

from? Well, as long as it's not feet, beak, or butt, I'm okay.

Billy, what are you doing here?

Security. What are you guys doing here? Greg and Kim weren't coming, so we're

using their ID badges.

Using false identification to gain entry into an invitation -only event? That's

a Class A security breach. Now that I know this, I'm obligated to ask you to

leave. Shrimp wrapped in bacon?

Enjoy your movie, Mr. Warner.

So, Billy, when did you start doing security for these movie engineers?

Oh, this is the first time. It's a good way to pick up a little extra cash. What

is it, like double overtime?

No, not that.

I've been using my camera phone to take pictures of celebrities to sell to the

tabloids.

Check it out.

I got a shot of Laura Flynn Boyle getting out of the limo.

You could see her better if the car antenna hadn't gotten away.

Is this the free food and drinks we're in up now, goody bags?

Look at this stuff. They got a T -shirt, a poster, press kit.

All kinds of free stuff.

Mmm, this yogurt is delicious.

Jimmy, that's apricot face scrub.

So you know anything about this movie?

No, not really.

Let's go to the press kit. Okay.

Let's see.

Takes place in a POW camp during World War II.

War movie, that's cool.

It's the story of a U .S. Army sergeant who used to be a circus clown who

teaches his platoon the value of laughter even in the darkest of

Sounds inspirational.

I hope it's good.

Are you kidding me? The studio wouldn't go to all this trouble for nothing. I

bet this is going to be great.

Jimmy, wait.

My shoulder.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. This movie is just so horrible.

It's so corny and lame.

Come on, guys. Turn those frowns upside down.

Just drop it, Sarge. Can't you see? Since they killed Johnson, none of us

the will to go on.

You know what? Maybe you're right.

Maybe I should just give up.

Here we go.

You're just pretending to be giving up, but just you wait.

Well, I guess there's nothing left for me to do now but sit here on my cot and

enjoy this can of mixed nuts.

Huh. I can't seem to get it open. Would you help me, Private?

Sure.

Oh, my God. Gotcha.

I can't watch any more of this. I'm going to go take a walk. How can you sit

here? It may be terrible, all right, but it's the first movie I've seen in three

years that didn't have a singing crab.

love it, Kevin.

They love the movie.

I know a lot of people wondered, could Kevin Smith make a great war movie?

Well, Kevin Smith did.

Thanks, man. I feel the picture lacks a distinct sound of Bob Essence, but I'm

actually kind of happy with it. Well, you should be proud. I'm telling you,

they're going to give you the Oscar for this one. I don't know, man. Oscars? I

didn't make this movie to get awards, you know? It was never meant to be more

than a simple character study that inspired who am I kidding? It's the Fat

Year!

How's it going?

Not too bad, not too bad.

How about this movie?

How about it?

Wow.

Wow, good?

This is a stinkeroo.

Doing this?

About the only chance I got of staying awake through this garbage.

Really? You didn't like it?

Oh, God, sitting in there, I feel like I'm the one in the prisoner of war camp.

I wish somebody would come and rescue me.

That's a good one.

No, I'm serious, man.

The story is stupid.

The effects are totally fake.

Half the camera shots, you can't even tell what you're looking at. I mean, did

this guy go to film school or what?

Well, he did, but, you know, he dropped out.

It shows.

This is one of the worst movies I've ever seen. I think Abe Lincoln had a

time in the theater than I had tonight.

Listen to you. You just put it all out on front street, man. You don't hold

back, do you? No, no. Greg. No.

You know what we're going to say when we get back to the office? What?

This movie didn't get released.

It escaped.

You're making them cry.

Kevin Smith is making them cry.

Congratulations. Do you know a Greg Warner?

Yeah, he's my boss.

Well, it couldn't have possibly been any more insulting.

Hey, thought of another one. When they say coming to a theater near you, move.

Hey, Mr. Savitsky. Hey, Jimmy.

So, Warner, did you have fun at that premiere I sent you to? Oh, yeah, yeah,

had a great time.

We had a really great time.

Did you have any interesting conversations while you were there?

when you send me to these things, I go as a representative of the studio, so I

feel like it's my duty to talk to as many people as I can.

Did you talk to Kevin Smith, the director?

Yeah, good guy, good guy.

When? I just got off the phone with Kevin Smith. He said you went up to him

the bathroom and told him his movie was a giant piece of crap.

Oh, my God.

I know. It's horrible.

He's threatening never to work with us again.

Well, I'm sure that... You said watching it you felt like a prisoner of war.

You told him to go back to film school.

Why would you do that, Warner?

Well, I'm going to have to get back to you on that, sir.

I've got to figure out some kind of damage control.

You'll be lucky if I don't fire you for this.

What the hell is going on?

Look, obviously there's been some sort of misunderstanding, but you gotta keep

your emotions in check. I'm sure there's a perfectly good explanation for this,

and when you find out what it is, it's important that you remain calm.

What did you do?

Okay, okay, look, Christine and I used your badges, and we went to the

premieres, you and Kim.

What? What?

Look, I'm sorry. I just thought it was a waste not to use the tickets, and so I

ended up in the bathroom talking to some guy, but I didn't know he was the

director. If anything, you look like that guy with the beard from that movie

Chasing Amy. That is Kevin Smith.

Oh. He's a good actor. Yeah, he must have seen your ID badge and thought you

were Greg Warner. Look, Greg, I'm sorry. I know I messed up. Messed up? You

might have cost me my job. I don't believe this. First you take over the

house, then you take my identity. What's next? You gonna slit me open, use me as

a sleeping bag?

Look, Greg, I made a mistake, and I'm man enough to admit that, and I promise

I'll take full responsibility for everything that's happened. Then good.

go tell Savitsky. Wait a second.

Between you and me, between you and me, I'm going to take full responsibility.

I don't want to get fired. Jimmy, what do you think is going to be worse for

you? You getting fired or me getting fired?

But I like my job.

Let me explain something to you. When the host's body dies, the parasites that

feed upon it go hungry.

What? Do you understand the effect that will have on the delicate equilibrium of

our domestic ecosystem?

Huh?

Me no work, you no eat.

Hey, Mr. Savitsky.

What is it, Warner? You want me to get Spielberg on the line so you can call

a schmuck?

I'm glad to see you've kept your sense of humor about this.

Actually, right now I'm thinking about strangling you with my tie.

Now listen, I just got off the phone with Kevin Smith.

He's agreed to come over here tomorrow so you can apologize to him face to

And so help me, you're going to tell him whatever you have to to make things

right. Actually, I'm not going to be the one apologizing. You better hope you

can run faster than I can untie a winch or not.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, there's been some new information that has come up.

It wasn't Greg who said those things to Kevin Smith, it was me.

You? Yeah, I took Greg's ID badge and went to the premiere without him

And I didn't realize I was talking to Kevin Smith when I said those things. I

feel terrible.

See, so Jimmy's the one you should be mad at. I had nothing to do with it. The

truth is, I'm a victim here, too.

Shut up, Warner.

You're not off the hook. When I tell you to go to a premiere, I expect you to

go, not blow it off, and then lie to my face. Good point, sir. Well taken.

All right, here's what we're going to do.

If Kevin thinks you're Greg, tomorrow you're going to be Greg.

You're going to put on a suit and a tie, sit in Greg's office, and apologize.

Wait a minute. If he's going to be me, what should I do? Be him.

We're going to be short a security guard at the front gate tomorrow.

You want me to work as a security guard? Why don't you just get one of the other

guards to cover Jimmy's shift?

I could, but I'm not going to.

Maybe sitting in a tiny booth, breathing in car exhaust, and pushing a button

like an orangutan might teach you some humility.

No offense, Jimmy.

Okay.

Listen, Mr. Savitsky, the thing is about me and Greg tomorrow, I don't actually

own a suit.

Beverly, tomorrow is now Casual Thursday.

Put on a memo, will you?

Okay, good. So if tomorrow's Casual Thursday, that means the guards won't

to wear their normal uniforms, right?

Warner, you keep talking, you're going to be working that guard gate in a thong

and a beefeater hat.

Watch your step, everyone. Barney Fife is here.

Very funny, Aunt Biatch.

I can't believe I have to do this.

Oh, it's just for one day. Come on, sit down. I'll make you breakfast.

Actually, I don't think you have time for breakfast.

What are you talking about? I don't have to be there till 10.

Yeah, you mean Greg Warner doesn't have to be in till 10.

Jimmy Hughes' shift starts at 8 .30.

What?

Sorry.

You should probably get a move on. You've been late to work twice already

week.

First thing we do every morning is read the paper cover to cover. Make sure the

government hasn't issued any new terror alerts.

I'm going to start with the sports section.

I don't want to be out here where people can see me. I'm going to be in here.

Well, as long as you're in there, why don't you alphabetize the drive -on

passes? Wouldn't it make more sense to sort them by time of arrival?

What? No, people don't drive up here alphabetically. They drive up here

according to what time they're supposed to be here.

Look, Greg, we got our own way of doing things down here, okay? It might not be

the right way, but we've memorized it and we're done learning.

Good morning, Mr. Savitsky. Good morning, Billy. Hey, where's Warner?

supposed to be working with you.

Right here, sir.

I told you I wanted you to be a security guard. Now be a security guard and sit

on that stool.

Okay, sure. No problem.

All right, now hit the button and open the gate for me.

Now tell me to have a good one.

Say it, Warner.

Have a good one.

Like you mean it.

Have a good one.

Thanks, you too.

Hey, fellas, how's it going?

Well, well, check it out. One of the big executives actually rolled down his

window to chat with us.

Yeah, that hasn't happened since Michael Eisner rolled his window down and spit

his gum into my hand.

I still got it.

Hey, Greg, how's it going? Greg, Greg, listen, you better not screw this up.

Don't worry about it. I know how important this is.

Jimmy, check this out. I had the funniest dream last night, right? I'm

down this long hallway full of doors. Listen, Roy, I got a meeting. I really

don't have time right now. Can you just open the gate with me?

Executives.

Yeah, hi. I got a meeting on the lot today. My name's Kevin Smith.

Wow. I can't believe I'm talking to you. It's quite a thrill for me. You've done

so many movies that I love.

Clerks, Chasing Amy, Mallrats.

Mallrats. Dude, now I know you're kidding. Where's the camera? I'm being

ain't I?

No, I'm serious.

I love it. You're a great writer and director, but what a lot of people don't

know is you're also a terrific producer.

You've done so many great movies on such low budgets.

Right on, man. Thank you very much.

Yeah, like Clerks. I mean, that won the Filmmaker's Trophy at Sundance, and you

made it for under $30 ,000.

You're pretty up on this stuff.

Yeah, well, it helps to know the ins and outs of the film production business.

It helps me with my job.

Making a little gate go up and down.

You got to start somewhere.

That's true. So on the list today, you're meeting Greg Warner.

Terrific guy.

Just sometimes he gets off his medication, starts talking all crazy.

You know, he has two kids at home and Lyme disease.

Almost lost a leg.

Have a good one.

Man, what kind of studio you run in here, George? Everyone's walking around

shorts and T -shirts. Well, it's a casual Thursday.

Just like Casual Friday, but a day earlier.

We got it from the Japanese.

You remember Greg Warner?

Greg Warner? Let me think, let me think. Oh, yeah, he's the chucklehead who told

me my movie was, and I quote, a stinkeroo.

Hi, Mr. Smith. Look, I'm sorry about those things that I said.

I don't know why I said them. Now that I've had a chance to think about it, I

really actually love your movie.

I really think it's probably one of the best movies you've ever made.

And not that I don't...

Love all your other movies.

And not that I love everything you do blindly.

And not that I don't.

Now, listen, man, I was up all night thinking about it, and you're right.

movie stinks on ice.

What do you mean? All the other executives said it was great.

That's just because they're all sucking up to you, George.

This movie's terrible.

I don't know what I was thinking.

I mean, in hindsight, not even a clown would unicycle through a minefield.

You'd have known this if you bothered to show up to the premiere the other

night. Well, I would have been at the premiere, but I was volunteering at the

Veterans Pediatric Animal Hospital.

Greg here is the only guy with the stones to tell it like it is, man. I'm

to see you finally hired an executive around here who knows what he's doing.

And thanks to his fierce integrity, I'm going to need an extra $10 million for a

month of reshoots.

Sure, Kevin, whatever you want. Thanks, George.

I'd make you pay for this out of your salary if it wouldn't take 200 years.

Now, listen, in the guard gate, we kind of rotate on who buys lunch. Now, I got

it yesterday, and Roy got it the day before, so I guess you're buying it. I

won't be here for lunch. As soon as Jimmy straightens out this mess, I'm

being a security guard.

Oh, well, it's your last day. We should get a cake.

Yeah, and I bought the last cake, and Billy bought the one before that, so

Oh, George, I had an excellent chit -chat this morning. One of the security

guards at the front gate, smart guy, seemed to have a lot on the ball.

Yeah? Tall, skinny dude, kind of looked like Ben Affleck before all the cosmetic

surgeries.

Oh, yeah, I know who you're talking about. I'd like him to work security for

during the reshoots. No problem. He's yours for the month.

Tonight we were thrilled to have special guest Kevin Smith on our show.

And here tonight, he has graciously agreed to reprise his famous role from

several films.

Ladies and gentlemen, Silent Bob.