Original subtitles

What time does the bus leave? I don't know.

We're supposed to meet in the church parking lot at 9.

Listen, I know you guys like to do fast food while we're gone because it's easy,

but could you at least heat up a couple of cans of vegetables for my kids this

time? I ate some vegetables last time.

Sammy ate so many green beans they were coming out of his ears.

Christine, I counted the cans of vegetables before I left.

Oh.

I wonder what that was coming out of his ears.

Hey, man, I can't believe you guys are going to marriage counseling. It's not

marriage counseling. We're going to a marriage encounter.

Whatever. Listen, if you and Kim split up, you're going to want to keep the

house. So if you let me stay here, I'll testify she hits you.

We're not splitting up. It's a marriage encounter.

It's not what you think it is. It's a program designed to focus on your

relationship. It's not about marriages that are in trouble.

It's to make good marriages even better. How did Kim rope you into this? I don't

know.

You know how they're always yakety -yak when you're watching television. She

must have mentioned it during that Rachel Hunter music video.

And I got to tell you something, Jimmy.

Stacy's mom has got it going on.

How did you convince Greg to go to this thing? I didn't.

What? I never asked him to do it. I just reminded him yesterday that we were

going, and he was too scared to admit he didn't know what I was talking about.

If he's not going to listen to me half the time, I might as well take advantage

of it.

Were you at least in church when they talked about this?

Must have been during football season.

Ah, see, see, see. That's karma for you, right? Yeah. You skip an hour at church

to watch football, and you end up spending a whole weekend in a circle

strangers talking about your marriage.

That guy's a sneaky little fella.

Watch out! You got a white bikini, love it, dude.

Yeah, dude. You got a golden poker, boy, that's you.

Yeah, dude.

And if you love the best...

Okay,

everyone, grab your burgers and get comfortable in front of the TV. Let's

Seems like a waste to throw out all these vegetables, but Kim's going to

the cans.

Well, you know what? I'll throw them in the back of the car and give them to

Fred. Who's Fred?

Fred Jamerson, the homeless guy at the corner of LeBron and Wilshire.

You know his name?

Yeah, it's a long light.

Does he even have can openers?

Nobody has a sign that says, we'll work for food.

He'd have to work his ass off for this.

We have a message.

Hey, it's your cousin Paula.

Oh, it must be for Greg.

Listen, I'm sorry to be calling with bad news, but your great -aunt Claire is in

the hospital, and we don't know if she's going to make it through the night.

Oh, man.

So if you could come to Loma Linda Hospital as soon as you can, I know it

mean so much to her to see you.

She's been asking for her favorite nephew all morning.

See you at the hospital. Bye.

Poor Greg. I better call him. Did Kim tell you what hotel this thing was at?

I don't know. Maybe.

But you know how she always yakety -yaks when you're watching TV?

She probably told me during that Rachel Hunter video.

What? I can appreciate the beauty of a woman's body.

Christine, you know, if I wasn't thinking about Greg's poor old dying

now, I would be all over you.

All right, I gotta call a cell phone.

Let me get the electric can opener. That's a good sound for them to hear in

background.

He's not answering his cell phone.

That's my ring. Leave it.

Hi, everyone.

I'm Bob.

Hi, Bob.

Before we begin, I want you all to congratulate yourselves for coming

Just the fact that you're willing to be here... Proves that you already have a

good marriage and you're well on the way of making it even stronger.

Like we'd even be here if it wasn't for our wives forcing us. Yeah.

Tell me about it. Then they'd trap us by bringing us here in a bus.

Yeah.

Did they have to put that big banner on the side that said marriage encounter?

Why don't they just cut off our testicles and dangle them from the rear

mirror?

Now, I know a lot of people get nervous when they hear the words marriage

encounter. They picture a group of people sitting around in a circle,

about their marriages to a bunch of strangers, but that's not what we do

As you can see, we're in more of an oval.

Oh, it's the lighter moments that get us through.

But seriously, you won't have to talk today.

All you have to do today is listen. Thank God.

Because we have a couple of fabulous, well, couples from the church who have

volunteered to talk to you about their marriages.

and the secrets they've found to keep them strong.

Want to play hangman on our heads while these idiots talk?

Yeah, you're on.

I want you to meet Cliff and Maria Marshall.

Who were 11 of the panicole of the Olympics?

Is there an H?

No. And please welcome another couple who have volunteered to share all the

beautiful secrets of their very successful marriage, Kim and Greg

You know what I was just

thinking about?

That first long car trip we took together. Ocean City.

And 18 years later, we're still doing it.

How many couples can say that?

How many can say they're still doing it in the same car?

Hey, thanks for getting a babysitter so you can keep me company.

Jimmy, you were going to leave me home with four kids. I got the babysitter for

me, not for you.

Yeah, the kids were a little while before we left. You know, you think the

babysitter will be okay? Oh, she'll be fine. She's getting eight bucks an hour.

And a very valuable lesson on why not to have premarital sex.

Who are you calling?

I got Greg's cousin's number. I'll call her ID.

It's a machine.

Hi, my name is Jimmy. I'm a friend of Claire's nephew that you're trying to

reach. I just want you to know that he's out of town, but I am going to find

him, and I promise you that I am going to bring him to the hospital.

You tell Claire to hold on.

Her favorite nephew is on the way.

The whole thing is so sad.

Yeah.

Is it just Rachel Hunter or do you find a lot of women attractive?

Jimmy, even if I could get Rachel Hunter, I wouldn't share it with you.

But if you really want your marriage to last, you have to find a way to keep

things fresh in the bedroom.

Oh, God, I hope she's talking about laundry detergent.

Incidentally, this Friday marks the beginning of our fifth decade of

And for all you young fellows who think you won't be able to please a woman when

you reach our age, trust me, you will.

I'm sort of like Greg Maddox at the end of his career. I'm not a power pitcher

anymore, but more of a finesse player.

Don't let him fool you.

He can still bring the high heat.

What do you say we take a five -minute break, and then, for the next several

hours, we'll learn all about the sweet, sweet love of Kim and Greg Warner.

Okay, when we get up there,

we'll both talk about our relationship, you know, how we communicate, what we

love about each other, but I'm not really comfortable with the sex stuff.

you cover that?

Yeah, I can't wait.

I'm gonna go get a snack. Do you want anything?

Yeah, I want to go back to the good old days when a man couldn't get an erection

after age 50.

Man, I could barely sit through those old people talking about sex. Oh, tell

about it. I'm gonna have to go home and drink a fifth of vodka to just get that

image of Wilford Brimley mounting Grandma Moses out of my head.

Greg.

Jimmy, what are you doing here? Are the kids okay? No, no, the kids are fine. I

got some bad news. We should sit down.

What is it?

Your great -aunt is very sick.

What? Your great -aunt Claire, she's dying.

I don't have a great -aunt Claire.

But your cousin Paula called and told me that you were Claire's favorite nephew.

I don't have a cousin Paula.

Who's your cousin who lives in Phoenix? Kathy.

Oh.

Kathy. Yeah.

Never mind, then.

Well, what are you talking about?

Must have been a wrong number.

Greg, Christine told me what happened. This is terrible.

No, it's okay. I talked to Bob, and he totally understands we have to leave

right away.

What's that?

He understands we won't be able to leave the next session.

Greg, I am so sorry. Which aunt is it?

Uh, Claire.

My great -aunt Claire.

Yeah, yeah. I probably never mentioned her. You know, she was my father's

mother's sister -in -law. They haven't talked in years.

Your father's mother's sister -in -law?

Does that even make her your great -aunt? What's with the investigation,

All right, I'm not trying to lay claim to the throne of England. My aunt's

dying. We need to go.

That's okay. I got it. We'll just put gas in the car and we'll be right back

the road. Let's just hope she can hold on.

For God's sake, let her hold on.

Hey, buddy. What a day, huh? What a day.

Greg, what are you doing?

I'm buying you gas and anything else you want. Slim Jims, ring dings, chocolate

dials. Go ahead. Fill your pockets, my liberator. Yeah, okay. Greg, Christine

and Kim are in the car and they think we're going to see your dying aunt. So

what exactly is your plan here?

Not sure.

All I know is ten minutes ago, I was about to talk to a bunch of strangers

my sex life, and now I'm trying to decide between Yoo -Hoo and Strawberry

Life has taken a delightful little turn.

Aren't you a little concerned?

I mean, you skipped church for football, and God made you go to a marriage

encounter, and now you get out of that by lying to your wife about having a

dying aunt. I mean, what kind of punishment are you going to get for

Jimmy, God helps those who help themselves, okay? And I'm about to help

to some snacks.

Ooh, they got Duran Duran for the nice price.

Fine, joke around, okay, but I made a promise to a dying old lady that I was

going to bring her a favorite nephew. Now, maybe you don't care about what God

thinks when people break their promises, but I do.

Jimmy, when did you get so religious? Last time you were at church, you looked

at the cross and asked what the T stood for.

Here, do me a favor. Here's ten bucks.

Call that number in five minutes, and when I answer, hang up. No problem. Are

you sure? Hey, throw in another ten, I'll talk dirty to you.

Well, the car's all filled with gas, so it's straight into the hospital now.

Let's just hope Aunt Clara can hold on until we get there.

I don't mean to be insensitive, but if she doesn't, we've got to fit her and

we're halfway to Vegas.

I'm just saying.

Wait a second. Is Aunt Claire the one who gave us that cute little cowboy

when Sammy was born?

Yeah, that's her.

Oh, okay.

Now, wait a second. That was my grandmother's friend who sent that.

I don't remember this woman sending any baby gifts when either of our kids was

born. Kim, she's an old woman on a fixed income. I mean, what do you want her to

eat? Cat food so she can send us a onesie from Baby Gap?

Yes, this is Greg.

Oh, hi. It's my cousin, Paula.

How is Claire?

You are kidding.

Oh, my God.

You shouldn't take it.

No, you're right. I guess there's no reason for us to come to the hospital

Okay, you take it easy.

Greg, I'm so sorry.

Did they say when the funeral was going to be? I'd rather not talk right now.

It's okay.

I think I'll just close my eyes and rest.

I

got

it. You rest.

Hello, Greg's phone.

Uh, yeah, no, hi, this is Jimmy.

Oh, hi.

It's your cousin, Paula.

Are you kidding me?

Oh, my God, you're kidding.

What? What happened?

It's Claire. She's alive. They revived her.

That tough old bird is alive.

Of course we're coming. We'll see you soon.

Oh, my God, this is amazing.

Lucky for you, she didn't have one of those do not resuscitate.

Yeah.

Lucky me.

I'm looking for a very sick old woman. Well, you can have me, but I'm more

twisted than sick.

Her name is Claire. I'm kind of in a hurry.

Okay, I'll take a look. Thank you.

What the hell are you doing? Kim's going to kill me. Hey, that's your problem. I

got my own problem. I made a promise to this woman's family. I got to tell them

I made a mistake so they can call a real nephew.

All right, get a hold of yourself.

I know you're upset about your aunt, but if my head had been an inch closer when

you slammed the door, I'd be in the bed next to her. Sorry.

Did you find a Claire?

Well, the only Claire we have is a Claire...

Atkinson in room 304. 304, thank you.

Hey, what are you doing? Follow Jimmy. I'm going to the gift shop. I'm going to

get her a big box of chocolates.

Greg, she's dying.

Good point.

I'll get her a small box.

Excuse me. Is this Claire Atkinson? Yes.

Has she gone on to reap her heavenly reward?

I don't know if she's reaped her full reward, but she has most of the down

payment.

Is your family in there? No, they've been here all day, but they went out to

something to eat.

Oh, damn it. Are you family?

No, but I'm starving.

Well, I'm glad someone's here, because she's really going fast.

302, 303, 305.

What is wrong with you? Stop yelling at me. My aunt is sick.

You're right. I'm sorry.

Let's go in. Wait a minute.

I need to go in alone.

Why? What is going on here? Why are you acting so weird about all of this?

I never told you this. Kim, my Aunt Claire never liked you.

What? Why do you think you never met her? She thinks I'm married below

She knew your dad was a baggage handler.

Well, you know what?

I'm going in there. I'm going to say something. The woman is dying. I mean,

this really have to be about you right now?

Couldn't find her family, so I figured I'd just come in here and talk to her.

She's so out of it.

Well, just be quiet. Kim thinks I'm in here telling her goodbye, and so we just

need to stand here a few minutes and we can all get out of here.

Poor woman. Shh.

I hope I don't go like that, lying there all alone.

Well, don't worry. When you die, I'll be right by your side.

Until I hear the sirens, then I'm going to wipe my fingerprints off the

fireplace poker and head on off to Mexico.

Clark?

Clark,

you came. They told me they called you.

Don't move.

Dude, she thinks we're her nephew.

Don't move.

Clark, come over here and sit by your aunt.

I'm going over there.

I got to at least give her this.

Hi, Claire.

Not you.

Clark.

Clark, come over here.

She wants you. No.

Come on, Greg. The woman's dying wish is to see her nephew. Just pretend you're

him for a few minutes. What's the big deal? It's creepy.

Now I'm going to go out there and tell Kim I said goodbye to her and we're

leaving. Okay, Greg, if you walk out that door, you're going to regret it.

I mean it. You've done a lot of bad things today. And someone...

He's trying to make you do something good.

I'll do it. Listen, Greg, you're going to be happy you did this, okay? I know

you don't believe it, but things happen for a reason.

Because of everything you've done today, God wants you to talk to that woman.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Claire?

Clark? Yes.

You came.

Oh, of course I did.

It's been a long time.

It sure has.

I have something for you.

I want you to have this.

Oh.

You brought nothing but shame and misery to our family your whole life. You're a

horrible, horrible man.

Clark Atkinson here.

Uh, excuse me, are you Clark?

Yes. Do you have a great Aunt Claire Atkinson? Yeah, why?

What, did the stupid old little leave me something in her will? Actually, she

did give me something that she said belonged to you.

Sorry for your loss.