Original subtitles

Okay, Logan, roll the dice.

All right, what'd you get?

A five and a four.

Which equals?

Nine. Yeah? Hey, how you guys doing?

Daddy's teaching us craps.

Jimmy. What, you told him to play a game with them? Yeah, like Candyland or

Chutes and Ladders.

Yeah, but they're only going to outgrow those. I mean, I'm teaching them a game

that they'll play their whole lives.

Lou. Hey, what's up, man?

Well, sometimes working at a big studio has its advantages.

Oh, yeah, like the time Pamela Anderson was late for her audition. She had to

sprint across the parking lot in that tank top, huh?

And the pre -flu shots.

I hold in my hand tickets to the musical event of the year. The problem is I can

only take one of you. The other two will have to understand.

So, one at a time, speak up and tell me why you should be the one going with me

to the jazz festival.

Okay, so, Logan, you need to roll a nine just before you roll a seven.

You guys, this is the jazz festival of the year. It's been sold out for months.

Kim, you're going to go with me, right?

Um, what day is it?

It's next Saturday night.

Oh, that's the night of the school carnival.

Well, you don't have to go, do you? Oh, I'm on the planning committee.

Me too.

All right, all right, Jimmy.

Sorry. Oh, yeah, like you have a prior commitment, right? Yeah, I, uh, I'm

committed to a lifelong hatred of jazz.

Fine. Find another friend to go with you. I will.

Hey, speaking of which, Greg, you know, that actually brings up an interesting

question that I've been meaning to ask you for the last couple of years.

Who are your other friends?

I have friends. I have plenty of friends. And I'm sure they're going to

fighting with each other to see which one of them gets to go with me to the

festival. I bet that's going to be the most exciting imaginary slap fight of

time.

You got a wife to keep in love with you.

Right?

You try it at home, you see what happens.

Hey,

guys.

Hi. Hey.

Mind if I sit down?

No, no.

How's it going?

Good, good, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Listen, technically I know that I'm your boss, but we're still friends, right?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Well, that's what I thought. So you're having the chicken wrap, too. How is it?

It's good, Mr. Warner.

Mr. Warner, please call me Greg, Bill.

Okay, Greg.

And it's Phil.

What's that? My name is Phil.

Oh, for heaven's sake. I am so sorry, Phil.

That's okay, mister.

Greg.

So, Phil, you like jazz?

Why, because I'm black?

I didn't even notice that you're black. Hey, you're black!

I like jazz.

Oh, you do? Because it just so happens I have two tickets to the Los Angeles...

County Jazz Festival at the Hollywood Bowl this Saturday night. Really? Yeah,

big box right up front. Those are impossible to get.

I know, I know. Do you want to go?

Bob? Bob?

Mike. Mike.

Oh, my God, I'd love to. I'll take them. Oh, what? I'll take the tickets. Wow,

my wife is going to flip.

She's a jazz musician and she couldn't get tickets.

No, no, no, no. Do you want to go with me?

What?

Yeah, do you want one ticket to go with me to the jazz festival?

Oh.

Oh, I probably shouldn't. My wife would never forgive me. Oh, sure she would.

Just tell her you have to go out with your boss.

Friend.

Do I have to go out with my boss?

And friend?

You don't have to. Oh, okay. Then no.

Your wife really likes jazz, huh? Oh, yeah. She loves it.

You think she would want to go with you?

Found anyone to take you to the jazz festival yet? I think I'm just going to

call Jeff.

Who's Jeff?

My buddy, Jeff.

Jeff who?

Jeff Richman.

Jeff Richman? You haven't talked to him in years.

No, but we were pretty close in the mid -90s.

Greg, a lot's changed since then. I mean, Roy and that tiger, they were very

close in the mid -90s.

You don't think Jeff lives out here anymore?

Yes, of course he lives here. If he moved, he would have called and told me.

Hello, is Jeff there?

Hola, como esta?

Must have a Spanish friend over.

Hang up the phone, Greg.

I can't believe this. I don't have any friends. I used to have a bunch of

friends in high school and college when I first moved out here.

What happened?

I don't know. I got married and a lot of my friends drifted away.

I had kids, more drifted away.

You moved in, all gone.

Are they gone or are they just hiding until you finally stop listening to

Maybe you need to make some new friends.

How? What am I supposed to walk up to people on the sidewalk and ask them to

my friend?

You can always look in the L .A. Weekly.

What's that?

Yeah, they can look in the personal section. They have a whole section, and

not just dating. They have a whole section on friends seeking friends. I

read it to laugh at all the losers.

And the winners, okay?

Forget it.

See? Looking for a tennis partner?

Okay. Exercise buddy?

Here you go, Greg. Look right here. Okay? The guy who loves jazz and the

Oh, please.

Oh, look, Greg. He's perfect for you.

Mingus, Coltrane, blah, blah, blah.

Pam, I'm not responding to some ad to make friends. I mean, how pathetic is

that?

Hola, donde este Jeff?

Jeff. Hotel FAA.

I'll have the chef's salad with no onions and no ham.

And I'll have the California bacon cheeseburger, but no avocado.

And I'll have a club sandwich, but hold the cheese.

And for you, sir?

You know what? Why don't you just bring me the stuff they didn't want and a

couple pieces of bread to put it in?

Hey, Greg, is that the guy that just walked in?

Yeah.

What do you think of him?

What's the difference?

Well, the difference is you need a friend.

Yeah, that guy looks kind of nerdy.

Well, he's not just a nerd, Greg. He's your soul nerd.

What? We answered the ad.

You did what?

In L .A. Weekly.

That's Love's jazz over there.

He also works with numbers, and he likes watching old movies, just like you, and

he enjoys speedwalking for exercise.

You walk very fast. It's a perfect match.

How could you?

Just thought you needed a little push. Come on, go over there.

I can make my own friend, thanks.

Besides,

if I was going to talk to a guy at a bar so he would be my friend, I wouldn't

pick the nerdy guy. I'd pick that guy, the cool guy.

Well, go be his friend.

Oh, yeah, just go be his friend like he needs more friends.

Hey, look, he's going to play pool.

So? So go play pool with him. Yeah, he's looking for a game.

Hey, you're a great pool player. Go over there.

I don't know.

Well, then, your nerd awaits.

Hey, man.

Hey, you looking for a game?

Where'd I go, bro?

Poor guy.

Thinks he got stood up.

He must feel horrible.

Look at him. I'm sure he's used to it.

Man, it's too sad.

He had to put an ad in a newspaper to find a friend and he still gets

I feel horrible.

I'm going over there.

You're going to be his friend?

Yeah, like I want a friend who wasn't good enough for Greg.

I'm going over there to pretend I'm Greg and let him reject me.

Tim?

Yeah. Hey.

Hey, man.

Hey, I'm Greg. Did I get the time wrong?

No, I just got caught up at home. I had to take a second shower.

I have a glandular problem.

It's okay. Well, just keep that in mind in case we ever go speedwalking

together, because I leave the trail like a freaking slug.

What are you eating?

Chicken wings. Oh, yeah.

They for both of us?

Sure. Yeah, it's cool, man. I usually like the ones that are the little

drumsticks better than the ones that are like the upper arms here.

Find one you like yet? Not yet.

Here we go.

It's hot, it's hot, it's hot.

My hands, the sauce was on my hands.

You know what, Greg, would you excuse me for just a second? Where are you going?

Just to the bathroom.

Oh, no problem, man.

Oh, how'd it go? I got a number.

Hey, who shirt is that?

It's mine. I bought it down on Melrose.

You want to look pretty for your big night with your new friend Rob, huh?

Oh, yeah, that's right. Tonight's a big date.

Which, actually, if you count the other night playing pool, it means it's your

second date.

Which, if my calculations are correct, that means he'll be expecting tons.

Aha, very funny. Should be here any minute. Wow, Greg, a new friend.

You must be really excited.

Please, Kim, I've had friends before. I'm not a ten -year -old, for God's

Oh, my God, he's driving a Hummer bitching.

Hummers are so bad for the environment. What do they get, like four miles per

gallon? I don't know how a person can drive one of those things and live with

himself. Yeah, yeah, yeah, my cool friend's walking up the sidewalk, so zip

up, hippie.

Cool shirt.

Thanks. Is that a real night mask or one of those knockoffs they sell down on

Melrose? It's a real one.

Hi.

How you doing? I'm Rob.

What's up, man?

This is my wife, Kim, and my brother -in -law, Jimmy, and my sister -in -law,

Christine. Nice to meet you. So what are you guys going to do tonight?

I don't know. I figured if it was cool with Greg, we'd just hang.

Hang?

Yeah, cool with hanging. I've been so busy with work and everything, I haven't

hung in over a week.

Well, let's hit it. Nice to meet you guys.

Okay, yeah, you too, man. Well, we're gonna hit it.

Yeah, Greg, I'd wait till at least the fourth date before you let him hit it.

Hey, Rob.

Hey, sweetie.

This is my friend Greg.

Hi, Greg. Hello.

I was wondering if you could slip me in real quick.

Well, I can slip you in, but how long it takes is up to you.

You're like Lydia.

She's got quite the mouth on her.

Yeah, and sometimes I say funny things, too.

This won't take very long. She's almost finished with my tattoo.

Well, it's okay. I mean, however long it takes, it takes. We're just hanging.

So, you got any tats?

Tats? No, no. I'm not much of a tattoo guy. I've always thought about getting

one of these earrings, though. Oh, yeah. You'd look hot with an earring.

What's that? You look hot with an earring. Yeah, a little diamond stud

cool. I know, and if I had one already, it would be great. But to get one now at

my age, I mean, isn't it a little pathetic?

Are people just going to think that I'm some sad guy going through a midlife?

Ow!

Screw him, baby. You've got an earring.

How was it? It was cool.

Greg? Yeah?

Is that an earring?

Oh, yeah.

You've got to be kidding me. What were you thinking getting an earring? Hey,

easy. You're starting to sound like my mother. Yeah, well, you're starting to

look like mine.

It's a little red, though. Does it hurt?

Yeah, it hurts. It's a piercing, but the pain is part of the fun.

I don't know. It looks like it's starting to get infected. Ow!

You know what? I'm going to get you some rubbing alcohol.

It makes you feel better.

Hey, brah. You left this in the car.

Ah, thanks, brah. Oh, look, I meant to tell you, I've got tickets to the L .A.

Jazz Festival this Saturday night at the Hollywood Bowl. You think you'd want to

go? Sure, sure. And what are you doing on Friday?

Well, we usually watch Joan of Arcadia. You want to come over and watch it with

us?

Yeah, I'd be lost.

I've never seen it. I don't have a TD. But I was talking about later anyway.

Well, Joan's over at 9, so I can meet you somewhere, say, 9 .30?

Well, actually, there's a new club opening, and most of the cool people

show up till, like, 12 .30 or 1. Is that too late for you? No, I'm up at 12 .30.

That's when he gets up to pee.

Shut up! Shut up!

All right, how about we meet at 12 .30? All right, sounds good. All right,

later. I'll call you. Later. All right. Ow!

Watch here. Okay.

Have fun at the club.

Thank you.

What are you doing? I have to pee first.

Ow, ow, ow. Hold on, hold on, hold on.

Hello?

Oh, hey, Rob.

No, sorry, I put the phone up to my sore ear.

Yeah, I'm here already.

I'm in the parking lot.

Oh, okay.

No, that's cool.

I'm sure the club will still be hopping at 1 .30.

No, that's great.

I'll meet you out front about 1 .30.

All right?

Okie dokie.

Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow.

Hey.

Is Greg up yet?

We haven't seen him.

This is ridiculous.

It is 2 o 'clock on a Saturday afternoon.

Well, you want me to get him up? Okay, Mom.

Please, I go through this every weekend with Jimmy.

Hey, Logan, come here.

Hey, want to play scavenger hunt?

Sure.

First item, one of Uncle Greg's nose hairs.

Piece of cake.

You know, I got to tell you, I didn't think, uh... Greg was going to get along

with this guy, but, you know, he's got an earring. He's staying out all night.

He's cool.

I got to hand it to him. Greg is cool.

Ow!

What the hell is going on?

I'm smelling Play -Doh in my dreams and I wake up to that little psycho pulling

the hair out of my nose.

You must have seen it in a cartoon.

Sorry.

I think that's for you, brah.

Hey, bro.

Hey, bro.

So what happened to you the other night? I tried to sell, but it was dead.

Yeah, I was waiting for you, and then I met these other guys, and we all went

over to this really cool place. It was cool.

Oh, that's cool, that's cool. Hey, listen, about that thing you were

about doing tonight.

Oh, the jazz festival.

Yeah, I don't think I'm going to be able to make it. What? Why not?

Well, a friend of mine's buddy is Woody Harrelson. He's in from Hawaii. We're

all going to go out to Malibu. We're going to put glow sticks on our wet

and surf.

Hey, you should come.

I'll teach you how to surf.

Sounds cool. I'll meet you at your place.

All right. Later, bro. Later, bro.

All right.

See you tonight.

I don't want to go.

What?

I don't want to go night surfing. I don't even like the ocean during the

daytime.

I just want to go to that jasper, so I can't do this anymore.

Do what? I can't hang out. I can't be cool. You want to know where I really

last night? I was so tired, I fell asleep in the car and I got towed.

Why don't you just tell the guy you don't want to hang out with him anymore?

mean, what's the point if you can't be yourself?

You're right. You're right. I mean, I'm going to go to the jazz fest tonight no

matter what. Who cares whether I take a friend? I mean, who cares whether I'm

alone? I'll sell the extra ticket when I get there.

Jimmy, you sure you don't want to go?

I hate jazz.

Fine. Kind of glad that I'm going to have an empty seat beside me and give me

some place to put my picnic basket.

That's right, Jimmy.

I said picnic basket.

Greg, I'm not Yogi Bear.

$50 C, $50 REO, $100 big red, and give me a hard six and hard eight.

Dad said never bet the hard ways.

Dad's living in the guest house.

How are you doing?

Go play blackjack.