Original subtitles

Ah, don't you feel great?

Nothing like a healthy weekend at a spa to relax you. Yeah, I just wish they'd

have given us more food.

Yesterday I was so hungry I had to eat my way out of my seaweed wrap.

It's great to get out of the city. It reminds you of how peaceful life can be.

you gotta watch the kid in love with you

so we could be in the same house as all the kids. And, you know, when we get up,

you know, the ceiling started to leak. It's been leaking since this morning?

Uh, actually, we didn't wake up till about an hour ago.

We stayed up late last night watching a movie.

I owe you $7 .95.

And don't let the kids read the cable bill.

What a mess.

How does something like this happen?

Oh, man, it could be anything. You know, maybe the roots got into the pipes and

backed everything up. Wait a second.

These are the sheets that Kim left you for the pull -out couch, and they're the

exact same spot on the chair.

Yeah, I put them there when we got up. Anyway, so we immediately ran outside.

got these garbage barrels. Hold on a second.

These sheets are folded.

Yeah, I folded them.

They're also ironed.

I know how to use an iron.

Jimmy, the last thing you ironed was a patch on your denim jacket that said,

ass, gas, or grass, nobody rides for free.

And nobody did.

Jim, just forget it. You guys, look, we didn't sleep on the couch. We slept in

your bed.

What? They slept in our bed. Why would you lie to me? Well, Greg, what did you

expect me to say?

Hey, Greg, welcome home. While you were gone, there was a flood in your living

room and we had sex in your bed? You had sex?

I thought that was implied.

What? We stayed on top of the bedspread.

Oh, great. Now I'm going to have to sit on top of the dresser to put my socks

on. Yeah, if you're going to sit on the dresser, you might as well sit on the

bedspread.

You guys are animals.

Maybe there wasn't even a leak. Maybe God was just trying to throw cold water

you.

Well, towards the end of it, God's name did come up.

I can't believe you had sex on top of the dresser.

My parents gave us that dresser.

Sorry.

Hey, look, on the bright side, we finally got that top drawer unstuck you

never get open.

Yeah, I guess you just weren't banging the right thing on it.

I told you we shouldn't go away. I told you we couldn't trust them.

What are you talking about?

Kim, the only benefit to having them live here is that when we go away, they

watch the kids in the house. And if they're just going to destroy the place,

don't even have that.

They didn't destroy the place. It was a plumbing accident. These kinds of things

happen all the time.

Not all the time. They happen when the cat's away and the mice will play.

And the cat's brother -in -law, the head mouse, always finds some dumbass way to

destroy the cat's entire house.

That is ridiculous. The same thing would have happened if we'd been here.

Well, no, it wouldn't have, because we would have been here to stop him. From

what? I don't know. Whatever he did.

Greg, it was an accident.

Zoe's caused lots of accidents. Big ones.

Dominic, Logan, and now my toilet.

Shouldn't take me long to clear these pipes.

Hey, this is cool. What do you do with this?

I shove it down toilets. Oh!

Here we go. I hit something. I'll just push it through.

No, no, no, no, no. Wait, wait, wait, wait. I want to see what it is.

It's the clog in your pipe.

What's the difference?

Well, I need to see it. I need to see what's clogging the pipe.

Why? Are you going to send it out for a biopsy?

Save your money. It's duty.

Well, can't you stick the camera in there and see what it is? All right. I

expect any excitement.

All right. We're going to find a couple of Pennsylvania miners down there.

Can you see anything? Can you make it out?

Right there.

I can't make it out, but there is definitely some kind of foreign object

there. Can you focus it or make it clearer? Because I really want to know

it is. No, sir.

Surprisingly, there's very little demand for high -def toilet dams.

I really need to know what it is.

Well, I can't get in there to pull it out. It's on the other side of a 90

-degree elbow.

There's got to be something here we can use to get it out. How about this?

Please don't tell me that's the end you stick in the toilet. It is. Oh, God.

Sir, that's the rag that I used to clean the end of. Damn it!

Oh, my God, what's going on?

There was something stuck in your pipe.

I just wanted to snake him, but this guy's obsessed with finding out... Hey,

hey, hey, hey, hey!

If I want to pay somebody 100 bucks an hour to get me in a fight with my wife,

I'll hire a stripper. Thank you. Keep it working.

The only thing stopping this from being my dream house was an exposed sewage

pipe in the living room wall.

I got it.

Well, well, well, Kim.

Look at that.

And you didn't believe me when I said Jimmy caused the flood.

Now look what I got. What do you think that is, huh? What is that? What do you

think that is? What is this?

I don't know. What is it? I have no idea.

Hey, did you guys turn the water off to the house?

Yeah, if this is your way to get us to move, it's never going to work. Okay?

Trust me. If I don't shower for a week, you're going to leave before I do.

Does that look familiar, Jimmy? Huh?

Does that look familiar?

I don't know what you're talking about.

What is that?

That's what Jimmy used to clog the pipe.

I couldn't do that. I told you. It was probably roots or something. Yeah, sure

it is, Jimmy. And I'm sure it's roots that sneaks into my kitchen and raids my

refrigerator every night. And I'm sure it's roots that spilled a softball all

over the living room rug.

And I bet it was roots that watched Gas Pump Girls nine times on pay -per -view

last night.

What'd you do? Watch it eight more times after I went to bed?

We had an all -night pass. It seemed like a waste not to.

Look, I can't believe you think this is my fault, okay? I didn't do anything.

Why should I believe you? You already lied to us about sleeping in our bed.

You know, you don't give Jimmy enough credit, all right? He respects your

He didn't even want to have sex in your bed last night.

He wanted you to stay on the floor.

I don't want to hear this. Well, you're going to hear it, all right? Because

Jimmy had nothing to do with this. And the fact that you continue to blame him

after he told you he didn't do it is insulting.

And frankly, it's a little crazy. Well, I think this will decide who's crazy.

Oh, go ahead, Greg. Do what you gotta do, but you're wasting your time. All

right? I know Jimmy, and if he said he didn't do anything, he didn't do

anything. Thank you, Christine.

He didn't do anything. No.

All right.

Just gotta fill out a few forms, then I'll take you over to the county jail.

Excuse me, are you next?

Oh, no, you go right ahead.

I'm in no rush. Thank you.

Can I help you?

Yes, I would like to match the fingerprints on this plastic piece with

brother -in -law's fingerprints on this Doritos bag.

We can't do that.

Yeah, I thought there might be a problem with the Doritos bag material. The only

other thing I have is this. I baited him into a tug -of -war with this last

piece of beef jerky.

Sir, you just can't bring stuff in here to get fingerprinted. Why not?

Because this is a police station, not Kinko's.

I don't know why I can't use your services. I'm a taxpayer. I've never

the police.

Have you ever been beat to death out in front of your house?

No. You're welcome.

Okay, I see what's going on here. I watch all the cop shows.

You're afraid to reach out to me on account of some skilled junkie might

dime and the IAB's going to bust your hump.

I don't know what the hell you just said.

Just give me the finger dust stuff. I'll check it myself.

I'm sorry.

What is that, anyway?

I don't know. That's the problem.

It's like part of a radio.

Really? Yeah, part of a clock radio.

Bose. Really? I have a Bose clock radio.

Really? Those are nice.

You must have a lot of nice stuff.

Yeah, I usually go, you know, for the top of the line electronics.

Yeah, me too.

So you live in this neighborhood?

Yeah, right down the street on the corner. Oh, really?

Yeah.

Hope you have an alarm system.

You bet I do. You're not one of those dummies that uses your birthday as a

security code, are you? No, we use my son's name, Sammy.

Sammy.

That's good.

Which corner?

All right, dirtbag.

Let's get you down to lockup.

See you later, pal.

Kim, change the security code.

Kim, change the security code.

You guys have to check out that spa.

They have this masseur named Michael who has the most amazing fingers.

I don't think so. I don't go for man -on -man massage.

What's the difference?

Jimmy likes to be in his own world during a massage.

And in my world, a man doesn't pour hot oil on another man unless it's like the

12th century and you're invading his castle.

Hello, everybody.

Busted.

Yeah, it is busted, but... You know what? There's nothing a little blue

fix, huh?

Oh, no way. You're busted, Jimmy.

Okay? I have proof this time.

Let me take you back to that fateful morning.

Really, it was just another typical morning for Jimmy.

sleeping in someone else's house in yet another bed he doesn't own.

Sometime around noon, he probably woke up to the smell of a half -eaten corn

dog.

Then continuing to help himself to everything I own, he grabbed my Bose

and headed into the bathroom.

In an effort to turn my bathroom into the morning carnival he's used to, he

in his Poison CD and started dancing to Unskinny Buff.

While brushing his teeth and dancing, he knocked over the dosed probiotic, which

crashed onto the toilet.

A piece of the radio broke off and fell into the toilet.

Then his fate would have it. This was the one rare occasion when Jimmy

remembered his fault.

That is the most ridiculous story I ever heard.

Yeah, everyone knows Jimmy brushes his teeth a deaf leopard.

That's true, and I only brush with my right arm as a tribute to the drummer.

It's proof, Jimmy. The radio was in the room that you slept in. Admit it, you

broke it.

This is a Wiggles CD.

Let me see that.

Woo -hoo, Wiggly Gremlin.

This CD is Logan.

Logan, did you break Uncle Greg's radio?

Logan, what happened?

I wanted to borrow Uncle Greg's radio, but I dropped it on the stairs.

Why didn't you tell us?

Because I didn't want to get into trouble, so I flushed it down the

sorry.

It's too late for I'm sorry.

Why don't you go into the guest house until I can figure out punishment for

We are so sorry. Yeah, I don't know what to say.

We'd like to offer to pay for a plumber and a new rug if you'd let us.

You know we'd never let you do that. I know. That's why I offered.

Look, we really are sorry.

Well, a lot of people would probably hold a grudge, but I'm bigger than that.

Apology accepted.

Greg, I think you owe Jimmy an apology. You said this was all his fault.

It's still his fault. It's his son. Follow the stupid trail, Kim.

It always leads to the head. A fish stinks from the head.

You can't blame Jimmy because his son did something.

Did we hold you responsible when Sammy put raisins in Jimmy's nose when he was

sleeping?

You should. I gave him the raisins and told him to do it.

Craig! All right, all right. I'm sorry.

I guess if Logan broke it, it's technically not your fault. Thank you.

sorry about the raisin thing.

Don't worry about it. You know what? Those raisins were the only fruits or

vegetables I had all week.

I'm keeping an eye on the guest house. There's something fishy about this whole

radio business.

It doesn't add up.

I mean, Logan has his own CD player. Why would he want to use mine?

Greg, he said he did it. It's over.

I don't think so.

I think this is a cover -up. Jimmy broke it, and Logan's taking the heat for it.

Or maybe it was Colonel Mustard in the conservatory with a candlestick.

If Logan broke it, why isn't he being punished? Why isn't he out in the

right now doing chores, like stacking wood or raking leaves?

Because it isn't Little House on the Prairie.

Or he's covering for his father, and they're both out back laughing at me.

Logan's the path he came. He's taking the fall for his old man.

Here he comes right now. I'm going to get to the bottom of this.

Hey, Sporto, what you doing?

I'm getting some juice.

Oh, I thought you were back here being punished. That doesn't really sound like

a punishment beverage.

I have to stay in the house all weekend without watching TV.

Wow. You without TV. That's tough.

Only thing that would be worse is if you were being punished for something you

didn't even do.

And you know if you didn't do anything wrong, you're welcome to watch my TV.

All day, right now.

I have a really nice TV, but I'm sure you're well aware of that.

Thanks, but I'm being punished.

Right, right, right, right.

For breaking the radio in the kitchen?

No, I said I broke it on the stairs.

Okay, look, Logan, here's the thing.

Your dad told me he broke the radio, right? And he said that you're taking

blame for it.

He told you that?

Yeah. But my dad didn't break it. I did.

Right, right.

You know, I had a teacher in grammar school that said when young boys lie,

nostrils flare.

Are they flaring?

No.

You need a tissue. You got a bat in the cave.

Greg, have you been messing with Logan?

No. Look me in the nostril when you say that.

Look, Jimmy, Logan knows he's lying, and he knows that I know he's lying. What?

Well, cut the dog and pony show, all right?

I know you did it. I have proof that the radio was broken in the upstairs

hallway and not the stairway like Logan said.

After he borrowed my radio, Jimmy, not Logan, was bringing the radio back to my

room.

Distracted by the jelly sandwich in his hand, He dropped the boat's radio,

leaving behind a dent in the hallway wall.

Wanting to get rid of the evidence in a hurry, the stupid weasel flushed the

broken part down the toilet.

You're crazy.

No, I'm not. I'll take you upstairs and show you the dent. And if I'm so crazy,

why was there jelly all around the dent?

It's grape.

I thought so. I don't eat grape jelly.

That's true. He's a marmalade man.

Okay, Jimmy, if it wasn't you tracking jelly all over the house, who was it?

Sammy! Sammy eats grape jelly all the time!

Logan, what is going on?

Logan, I want the truth this time.

All right.

Me and Sammy were playing in the guest house, and then Sammy took off on Greg's

radio, and when he brought it back, he dropped it in the hallway and it broke.

Wait a second. So Sammy was the one who flushed the piece down the toilet?

Yes.

Why didn't you just tell us that?

Because I didn't want Sammy to get into trouble.

Logan. Honey, why don't you go out to the guest house and wait for us?

You happy, Greg?

Tearing up walls?

Starting a whole witch hunt?

Staring at me in the guest house from your bedroom with your night vision

goggles?

You knew? You left your bedroom light on, you idiot.

No wonder I only saw my own reflection.

You know, you made such a big deal out of this whole thing that my kid ended up

lying. The thing was, he did it to protect Sammy.

So what, am I supposed to punish him for that?

No, you shouldn't punish him at all. No, when you think about it, what he did

was really great.

Yeah.

Sammy's lucky to have a friend looking out for him like that. That's a heck of

cousin. It's more than a cousin. You don't stick your neck on the line like

for a cousin. You do that for a brother.

Well, when you think about it, they all live in the same house. It's like Sammy

has two brothers.

I only had one sister. I always wanted her brother to protect me.

From bullies? No, from my sister.

I'm sorry.

I mean, I don't know what to say. I'm sorry I didn't trust you. I shouldn't

put everybody through all this. No big deal.

Nothing that a trip to the go -karts couldn't fix.

Hey, that's a great idea. Let's gather up all the kids. I'm buying.

I was just talking about my kids. Your kid breaks things and then lies about

I think he's kind of a bad influence.