Original subtitles

This lunch you bought for us is so fancy.

Little finger sandwiches, fresh raspberries.

Well, you're a very special lady who deserves very special treatment. I don't

mind going the extra mile for you. Oh, great. Heads up. Savitsky's on the

warpath. Apparently someone stole the leftovers from the executive lunch.

All right, eat up, everybody. If you want seconds, they'll be under here.

How's it going, Warner? I need a favor.

Oh, hi, Kim. Nice to see you.

Nice to see you, too.

Now, whose kids are these?

They're mine.

Really?

They look nothing like you.

You know, you might want to do what I did and get a DNA test.

Say hi to Mr.

Savitsky. Hi.

Hi, Gucci Goo.

Listen, I'm sorry to dump all this work on you these days, but I've got a clear

time on my schedule to study the art world. Are you doing a movie about a

painter? Oh, no, it wouldn't sell.

We couldn't do that unless the painter was a handsome young lunatic bent on

killing naked models because they were the only thing more beautiful than his

art.

Say, where's the scratch pad?

So, uh, why are you studying art?

Well, I'm up for a spot on the board of the L .A. County Museum of Art.

Some of the most powerful people in the city are on that board, and I want in.

Well, you know, Mr.

Savitsky, Tim was an art major in college. Maybe she could give you some

pointers. Oh, no.

It's my problem. I don't want to bother you guys.

No, I'd be glad to help. The only thing I ever managed to do with my art degree

was piss off my parents.

Well, you know, I wouldn't mind a few catchphrases to help me try and sound

smart. Well, the de Kooning exhibit is coming this month. I could give you a

crash course on that.

What kind of art is that? Is that the good stuff where you can tell what it is

or that weird crap?

You've got two in your beach house.

Oh, that weird crap.

My ex -wife bought those.

You know, at first, I think she spent my money just because it was fun. But down

the stretch, I think she was just cranking it up my wazoo.

Well, de Kooning was of the New York School with Pollock and Jethro John.

If you want to know more about it, there's a great book by Ed Bates.

Bates, I'll get it.

Well, I've got to run.

You've been quite a help. Thanks, Kim. You're very welcome.

Well, bye, Warner. Bye, kids.

You know, you don't even have to draw blood. Just get a couple of hair samples

off of your brush.

Warner, you know that old joke, take my wife, please?

Yeah. Well, I need to take your wife, please.

Excuse me?

Well, look, she's really into art, right?

Yeah, she loves it. She's got our kids into it, too. Look at what they made me

for Father's Day.

World's greatest dud.

That's supposed to say, Dad, the top of the egg came off in the dishwasher. You

should see the little cute plate they made me with their footprints on it. Of

course, after that came out of the dishwasher.

Warner, I'm sure this kind of story keeps everyone spellbound down at the

Gymboree, but I'm a busy man.

Of course you are, sir. Listen, they're having a cocktail party for the museum

trustees on Saturday afternoon.

I wonder if Kim could go with me. You know, kind of coach me through the

Oh, yeah. I'm sure she would be honored. And believe me, when it comes to art,

Kim knows her stuff.

Great. That's another reason I'm glad my wife left me.

Now I can go to this party with a woman who knows something about art and who

won't flash her boobs at the valet. Well, I'm sure that'd save you a lot of

money and tips, sir. I don't know. Those boobs cost me six grand.

It's probably a wash.

What's this picture?

That's when Dominic was two and we took him to the pumpkin patch.

It was back when you were dead.

Pumpkin patch?

He means it was before you were born.

Donuts were in my shirt.

Oh, actually, that was his shirt first.

Because you were dead.

Dominic!

Hey, that's my red jacket. And my baseball shirt.

Why does he always wear my clothes?

They're hand -me -downs, Logan. Yeah, they were his clothes first.

You understand?

Yeah.

Hey, donuts were in my shoe.

Okay, you know what? Why don't you two go out back and play?

Poor kid.

Stuck with his brother's clothes and his father's brain.

Hey, Kim, how would you like to get all dressed up and go to a cocktail party

Saturday afternoon?

Sounds great.

Yeah, it's at the Museum of Art with Mr.

Savitsky. Well, I guess I can manage five minutes of small talk with whatever

sexy little trollop he's got on his arm.

Well, you don't have to, Kim, because that sexy little trollop's you.

Yeah, he said he didn't have anyone to go with, and he knew you'd make a good

impression on the trustee, so I said I'd hook him up.

Hook him up?

Yeah, you know, a date, an escort.

You.

What's her mother?

She's probably wondering when you stopped being her husband and started

her pimp.

Oh, and I just arranged for him to spend some time with Kim because she has

special talents which he needs and which will help me out financially in the

long run.

You calling that a pimp?

Greg, she's not calling that a pimp. The dictionary calls that a pimp.

Hey, listen, if you got any old women on your client list, I'm available.

Okay? And my only rule is I don't kiss on the mouth.

There's nothing wrong with using your wife's talents to help your career. It's

just a little weird.

Kim, we're supposed to be a team here. You could really help me score some

points with Savitsky on this.

Well, I guess it would be a chance for me to mingle with the real who's who in

the art world. There you go, yeah.

I'd get a chance to see the retrospective the museum's doing on

Yeah, yeah.

My God, wait a minute. Is David Hockney going to be in this thing? Yes, yes,

yes. Really? Are you sure?

I don't know.

But I know where he won't be, in our living room.

All right.

All right, I'll go. Well, thank you. And if there's anything I can do for you,

let me know. Like, if you ever need me to go out with one of the mommies in

baby group.

Huh. You mean the divorced blonde with the tattoos you're always staring at?

I was thinking more of the brunette with the low -cut pants whose husband's

always out of town, but that one will do, too.

Ow! Take it easy, Greg.

Rolling lint, not paving a road.

This is a big event, Kim. You can't be on Savitsky's arm looking like the

business end of a duck mop.

Hello, come in. Nice to see you.

Thank you so much for agreeing to do this. And what a lovely dress.

Oh, that old thing is just something we threw on, but thank you.

Go ahead, talk to the man. She's a little shy at first, but she'll warm up.

Look, I really do appreciate your help. I know this must all seem very odd.

Well, yes, a little.

But, hey, odd can be good.

One threes and fives are odd, and where would we be without them?

I'll warm up in a minute.

Come on, Logan. We're going out to dinner. I told you to put on your blue

-down shirt.

I'm not wearing it. It used to be Dominic's. Well, you know what? It's

now. Now, come on, Logan. Will you stop wasting time?

We're going to a hometown buffet, and every minute we waste here is another

chicken fried steak shoved into an old woman's purse.

I'm not wearing any of Dominic's clothes.

You're already wearing Dominic's clothes. That used to be his shirt.

to be his shorts. All your clothes used to be Dominic's. Now, go get dressed.

Hurry up, okay? If we don't get there soon, the potato bar is going to be out

fixings.

Well, at least you get a potato.

I don't eat the potatoes. I just eat the fixings.

Hey, how'd it go?

You're not going to believe what happened.

Don't tell me. You forgot to get the money up front.

Uh -oh. Greggy Bear's not going to be happy.

Shut up.

It was amazing.

We got a private tour with the artist.

I met my favorite pop artist, Ed Ruscha, and we discussed surrealism. He even

drew a sketch on my napkin. Look.

Wow.

What is it?

It's another napkin. Isn't that so surreal?

Yeah, yeah, surreal. But what about Savitsky? Did he have a good time? Oh,

was great.

I whispered all the information into his ear, and he got to walk around with his

chest puffed out like he knew everything.

Kind of like you do for Greg when you go to the Home Depot.

Yeah.

are you doing?

I'm not wearing any of Dominic's old clothes. I don't want Dominic's stuff.

wait a minute.

So now you're being picky?

The last three mornings I had to make you spit out Dominic's old gum.

Sweetie, there's nothing wrong with wearing hand -me -downs, okay?

Now go get dressed.

No, I want my own clothes. Logan! Okay, Christine, listen.

Logan, okay?

If you don't get changed right now, you're gonna go to the restaurant in

underwear. And people will point at you, stare at you, and laugh.

Let's go.

Let's go.

So Logan still wouldn't put on his clothes this morning?

Nope. Christine took him to the supermarket in his underwear.

Yeah, she tried everything.

Yeah, she even had him ride in the cart holding a frozen turkey on his lap.

And he still wouldn't budge? No, no, no. Nope, nope. He just hung right onto

that turkey.

By the time they got to the checkout, it was stuck to him.

They had to run him on the hot water to get it off him.

Kid's a nut.

He's a stubborn little fellow, isn't he? Yeah, well, it can't last forever.

He's a huge sooner or later he's going to want to start scratching himself in

public and he'll learn that to do that you need something with pockets.

Hey, Craig, check it out. There's a picture of Savitsky in Variety and he's

a hooker.

Stuart, that's my wife.

Oh, well, it must be awkward. I didn't know you guys split up.

No, I loaned her to Savitsky for the night. I mean, this was my idea.

Oh.

Hey, can I get her for the night? Get out.

Look at that. They're in variety together.

Well, so what? You knew they were going out. I know, but having to look at it

makes it kind of creepy. I mean, look how happy she is. I don't think I like

seeing her that happy standing next to another guy.

You're jealous.

Greg, for a pimp, that's very unprofessional.

Jimmy, I'm not jealous. I just didn't think this out carefully.

I mean, look at the captions.

Savitsky and Dade get cozy.

Don't worry about it, okay? You scored points with Savitsky. Now it's over.

Pretty great picture, huh?

Yeah, I saw that. I put it someplace special.

Listen, I hate to ask another favor, but I kind of need to borrow Kim again.

Again? I know it's late notice, but they're having a fundraising luncheon on

Tuesday. Oh, a luncheon. No, she takes care of the kids during the day. There's

no way she could do that. Sorry.

Oh, I'll tell you what. You work from home that day, and Kim can come with me.

Everybody's happy. Win, win, win.

Okay, win, win, win.

That's just great.

Did you hear that? They're going on another date.

Dude, did you see the picture of Savitsky and the hooker?

Daddy, you're so good. It's fine. Do whatever. Stay away from fire.

What's up, man?

Kim's still not back. That's what's up.

How could lunch at the museum go to 5 .30?

Well, I'm sure there's a reason.

Maybe she got her head stuck in one of the string art sculptures.

It happens.

Yeah, right.

No, really.

It happens.

The artist was there, too.

I'll never forget his weeping as they cut me loose.

What the hell has taken them so long?

Greg's jealous.

I'm not jealous. I just feel taken advantage of. Here my boss is, traipsing

over town with my wife, while I'm here stuck with the kids.

Well, I think you're screwed.

You know, you're the one that pushed her into this.

I'm not screwed.

I'm just going to tell her she doesn't have to do it anymore.

You know, I mean, I'm sure she's just as unhappy as I am. She agreed to one

cocktail party, and now there's all -day luncheons. I mean, he's taking her away

from her kids.

She'll just be happy that I'm letting her off the hook.

Greg, you're not going to believe what happened today.

George and I were talking to the curator of the children's wing, and he asked us

to chair the acquisitions committee.

Acquisitions committee?

Wow, look at you.

I asked you to do one little thing, and here you go.

above and beyond your call of duty. You are the perfect wife. Thank you. No,

thank you.

And I want you to know I appreciate it, but you don't have to do it anymore for

me. That's enough.

Well, that's the best part, Greg.

I have a degree in art, and for the first time in years, I'll be able to use

So I'm not doing this for you anymore. I'm doing it for me.

Oh, that is great. Good for you, honey.

Good for you.

Well, it's true what they say, Greg.

Pimpin' ain't easy.

Boogaday, boogaday. There he goes.

Boogaday, boogaday.

And he ain't wearing no clothes. Well, yes, they call him the street.

Boogaday, boogaday. Fastest thing on two feet.

Boogaday, boogaday. He's just as proud as he can be.

Listen at me.

He gonna give us a peek.

Well, yes, they call him the street.

Boogaday, boogaday. He like to show off his physique.

Boogaday, boogaday. If there's an audience to be found, you'll be

around, inviting public critique.

Go ahead.

Hey, little buddy.

Where's your pants?

I don't have any. He has pants.

His brothers hand me down. He won't wear them.

I can't just let a kid run around a street in his underwear.

Someone's going to go to jail.

Did you hear that, Logan? If you don't put some clothes on, you're going to go

to jail.

Actually, ma 'am, I was talking to you.

You better buy me some clothes or you're going to jail.

Yeah, come on in, Warner.

Uh, yeah, Mr. Savitsky, I just need to talk to you for a minute.

Hold on, I'm trading angry emails with Ron Howard.

What's a rude word that rhymes with Opie?

Uh,

Mopey? Dopey? I used them both.

I'll just go with plain old Opie.

He acts like it doesn't bother him, but I can tell he's crying on the inside.

So, Warner, what can I do for you? Well, sir, I need to talk to you, not so much

as an employee, but more man -to -man.

What, did you knock up Betty from accounting again? What?

Oh, that was Bill Harris. Right, never mind. Go ahead.

Yeah, uh, Mr.

Savitsky, it's just this whole thing, this whole thing between you and Kim. I

mean, I thought it was going to be this one -time deal, but it keeps dragging on

and on, and then again there was that picture with you guys and Variety. I get

it, Warner. You're uncomfortable with me spending time with Kim.

Yes, yes, I am, sir.

That's perfectly understandable, and I respect that you came to me man to man.

And as long as we're talking man to man, I've got something to tell you. What's

that?

I'm in love with your wife.

Come again?

I'm in love with your wife, Warner.

Well, sir, I said, what?

Look, I feel miserable about it. I mean, I never meant for it to happen. I like

you, and I assume you like me, aside from the fact that I really, really want

your wife.

Excuse me.

Hello?

Ah, yes, one minute.

Look, I know this is a bad time, and I've got to take this call.

Why don't you just stop by at the end of the day? We'll hash this whole thing

out.

That's right, I said Opie. Now what are you going to do about it, dopey?

So Vitsky's in love with Kim.

What? Savitsky's in love with Kim.

He just told me. He said he never meant for it to happen, but he's in love with

my wife.

Man. I've got to go put a stop to this. What are you going to do? Are you going

to go beat up Savitsky? Yeah, maybe I will. Maybe I'll kick his ass.

Greg, you can't do that.

Well, hell I can. I know when he takes his nap. Maybe I can sneak in there and

get a few shots in before he wakes up.

Greg, you can't beat up your boss, okay? You've got a career to think about.

You've got a family depending on you.

Not to mention Kim and your kids.

Well, maybe you're right, but I can't just sit around here doing nothing.

What are you doing?

Well, I'm going to tell Kim.

Don't you think you're getting a little carried away? The man is twice your age.

What do you think he's going to do about it? They have pills, Jimmy.

He could pop a Viagra and be chasing around the coffee table like a sexed -up

unicorn.

Kim?

Kim, we really need to... Ah!

What the hell is going on?

Greg. Stay calm, Warner. You know something? I realize I may lose my job

this, but let me tell you, if you don't respect me enough to stay away from my

wife, then I don't want to work for you anyway.

So it's go time, old man. I'm going to kick your ass.

Relax, Warner. Your wife is letting me down easy.

It's over.

Oh.

Well.

Coffee?

George, listen to me. Stop making a fool out of yourself. You don't love me.

What makes you say that?

Well, look at your history.

I'm probably the first woman you've gone out with in God knows how long who can

hold up her end of a conversation, right?

Right. And you always go for bimbos, right?

Right.

But just because we can talk intelligently about things that interest

doesn't mean this is love.

Wow, that's the best breakup speech of all time.

I feel like I should give you half my stuff just for that.

Well, I should probably go.

And don't forget, you need to go out there and find yourself a woman with

you can really fall in love with.

I think I will.

But first, I'm going to go home, put on a Tom Waits record, and drink until I

faint.

I'm sorry about all this. I'm the one that pushed you into all this stuff.

You were going to fight for me. Well, of course I was.

Yeah, but you would have lost your job.

You can always get another job.

It could never replace you.

You'll never have to.

Warner, in light of what's happened, I think you should have this plane ticket.

I had a local artist paint Kim's head on a classic nude.

It'll be ready on Tuesday.

You might need a pickup truck and a couple of people to help you carry it.

Enjoy.

Yeah, yeah, I'll be at the museum thing tonight.

No, it'll just be me tonight.

Just me.

A little too late.

Now I'm dreaming about you.

Takes a lot of...