Original subtitles

All right, next item. I got a memo from the chief.

He is tired of getting reports about security guards falling asleep at their

station.

Come on, guys, you're professionals. This is embarrassing.

From now on, if you want to take a nap, get it sleeping, buddy.

That way, if one of you falls asleep, the other one can make sure you don't

caught.

Okay, the last thing is the studio's doing a movie about a security guard,

some actor who's playing the lead is going to be shadowing us for a few days

research his role.

He's supposed to be coming by here this morning. Great, we're going to have some

little pretty boy actor breathing down our necks all week.

Hi, everyone.

Oh, my God,

it's Waka!

It's Waka!

I call Chuck Norris as my sleeping buddy.

Hey, guys, you never guessed who's going to be working side by side with me at

the guard gate. Chuck Norris.

He's doing a movie about security guards.

Well, what do you like? He seemed nice. I mean, we only talked for a few

seconds, but tomorrow we're going to be hanging out with him all day.

Who knows? Maybe Chuck Norris and I are going to become friends.

Wow, Chuck Norris. Yeah.

Our first date was a Chuck Norris movie.

And if I remember correctly, I was wearing that loose sweater, and 20

into the movie, it was your hand that was missing in action.

Hey, you know, Stanley School has that auction coming up. Do you think Chuck

could sign some stuff for it? No, no, no, Kim. The poor guy's probably got

people bothering him all the time.

People wanting to take a picture with him, people wanting him to sign stuff,

people walking up and singing a theme to Walker, Texas Ranger.

Come on. Who remembers the theme to Walker, Texas Ranger?

In the eyes of a ranger, the unsuspecting stranger had better know

from wrong and right.

Cause the eyes of the ranger are upon you.

Every wrong you do, he's gonna see.

Cause if you are in Texas, look behind you.

Cause that's where the ranger's gonna be.

Although this commission has no choice but to deny the requested military

spending, all the evidence clearly shows that there are no more American

prisoners of war.

Just a minute, Senator.

We have a few men here who disagree.

Are

you

okay? Yeah, I just... I just had this weird dream.

Oh, man.

I can't believe I'm so excited about working with technology tomorrow that

having dreams about them.

Man, if they got it working, it would really bust my chops.

In

the

eyes of a ranger, the unsuspecting stranger.

I'd better know the truth, not wrong from right.

Cause the eyes of the ranger all up on you.

He told me to listen to see.

When you're in Texas, look behind you.

Cause that's where the ranger's gonna be.

Hi, I'm Chuck Norris. Today I'm going to show you some exercises on the Total

Gym.

The Total Gym is the fastest and most effective way to work out. The results

amazing. Right, Billy?

That's right, Chuck.

Check this out.

See that?

My friend Billy went from a keg to a six -pack in just three short weeks.

Hey, Jim. Hey, Roy. What are you reading?

Just going over the security guard handbook in case Chuck has any

Look at you, going all out of your way to impress the guy.

That is bad.

Are you wearing cologne?

Yeah, it's French. You think you'll like it?

Up for Chuck, huh?

Oh, is that today?

Hey, guys.

Hey, Chuck. Wow, look at you in our uniform.

Boy, somebody tries to walk out of here with a ream of papers and post -its,

they are in for the surprise of their life.

Guys, I want to say thanks for letting me observe.

Now, I don't want you to do anything special because I'm here.

I just want to get a feel for what you guys do day in and day out.

Excuse me.

Headquarter.

Huh?

We'll be right there.

A woman's locked herself out of her office in Bungalow 9.

Looks like today starts early.

Let's roll.

Oh, thank God. I'm late for a meeting and I need my report.

Mr. Savitsky's already called twice looking for me.

Calm down, ma 'am.

I've got the situation under control now.

So is this a typical call for you guys?

Uh, yeah.

We're the guys they call when stuff like this goes down.

That's our job. We put out the fires. Well, not the actual fires. For that,

call the fire department. But if there's a big blow -up, they call us.

But not if something actually blows up.

Then they would just call the fire department again.

Are you Chuck Norris? Uh, no, ma 'am.

Brian Banks, security guard.

All right.

Here we go.

I got it, ma 'am.

Here we go.

Jimmy, let me try.

Stop it. I got it.

Stop. Look, you broke it off in the lock. You broke it off.

I really have to get to this meeting. Don't worry, ma 'am. We'll send the

down as soon as we get the door open.

You know, Chuck, sometimes in this job you have to get a little physical.

Let me try.

Ow.

Oh. You know, it looks a lot easier when you do it, Chuck.

Well, that's because in a movie it's a breakaway door.

Now, I'm no carpenter, but I think that door's made out of mahogany.

I'm no doctor, but I think I broke my foot.

You know what?

Try it with my credit card.

Look, you already tried. Let me try. Oh, don't. Push me in front of Jack.

Now push me. Oh, you talking about pushing? Now push me. Okay, now go.

fight over Chuck Norris yourselves. I'm out. What's your problem? This is crazy.

This is the best job I've ever had and I'm not going to lose it over something

stupid like this. I can't afford to. There's too many people counting on me

home. I've got a family to worry about and I'm not going to lose it over

something like this. That's more important to me than anything.

There's too many people counting on me at home. I've got a family to worry

and that's more important than anything.

What? That's the character, Jimmy. That's the character I'm looking for.

Really? Yeah.

Hey, I've got to take off.

Jimmy, why don't you come over to the house tonight?

What? Why don't you come over and hang out and let me learn more about you.

Okay. Sure, Chuck. Thanks, man. So, Chuck, I don't have any plans tonight.

Me either.

Well, great. Why don't you two get together and do something?

Hi, I'm here to see Chuck. Oh, sure, you must be Jimmy. Come on in.

Yeah, okay.

I'm Chuck's wife, Gina.

Oh, wow.

Good for him.

I mean, I mean, I mean, good for you. Good, you know, good for, good for all

you.

Chuck will be out in a minute. He's in the middle of his nightly ride.

Oh, cool. What's he, uh, what's he got, like a Harley or something?

Chugga -chugga -chugga, choo -choo.

Chugga -chugga -chugga, choo -choo.

Chugga -chugga -chugga.

Okay, last stop.

Sleepy town.

Oh,

I think it's time for bed.

Say goodnight. It's time for bed.

Goodnight, sweetheart.

Goodnight. Wow, hey, Chuck, I didn't realize you had a daughter.

Yeah. Actually, I got twins.

Her brother's asleep right now.

Boy, they're a handful.

How about you? Yeah, I got two boys.

Either one of them and their terrible tooth?

Yeah, both.

Unfortunately, they're five and seven.

Well, grab a seat. Okay, sure.

Can I get you something to drink? Uh, yeah, yeah. I'd love a beer or

Ah.

Never thought I'd, uh, be in Chuck Norris' living room.

At least not without a star map and a crowbar.

I'm sorry, Jimmy. The only thing I have in the fridge are these juice boxes.

Oh.

Harvest peach.

Now, if you don't like that, I think I got some Mary Berry's left.

Uh, no, no.

Peach is good.

It's the spot.

Now,

listen, Chuck, I know you've been wanting to know everything there is to

about being a security guard, so I've given it a lot of thought.

A lot of people make fun of security guards, but the reality is that it can

very dangerous job.

And we really are the first line of defense before the cops get there. And

that's always in the back of your mind when you're putting on the badge every

morning. Because the truth is, bad things could happen.

Do you know the words to Little Bunny Foo Foo?

Excuse me?

I'm sorry, but my kids keep asking me to sing this song to them.

And you said you had kids, and I thought maybe you might know the words to it.

Little bunny foo -foo hopping through the forest.

Hold on, hold on.

Let me get a pen.

Hey, I was hanging out with Chuck.

I don't know.

We just talked for a little while and watched a movie.

Was it fun?

Yeah, I don't know, I guess. It just wasn't what I expected. He's just a

guy, a dad with kids. It was like watching a movie with Greg.

Really? Did Chuck pretend he had to go to the bathroom doing the scary part?

That was one movie, Christine, and I happened to grow up in a house that may

may not have had a poltergeist.

Hey, Jimmy, it's Chuck.

Oh, hey, Chuck.

How's it going?

Great. Hey, I forgot to ask you what time I should meet you at the studio

tomorrow.

Well, my shift starts at 9, so I'll probably get there around 9 .15.

Okay, great.

Look who's up.

What are you doing up, sweetheart, huh?

Come here. Come here to Daddy.

Oh, Jimmy, you went through this not too long ago. What do you do when your kids

wake up in the middle of the night?

I usually start snoring and hope I win the fake sleeping contest with my wife.

Hey, someone wants to say hi to you. Dan Lee, you want to say hi to Jimmy?

Okay. Okay. Say hi to him, sweetheart.

Oh, no.

Now Dakota's up. Keep talking to Dan Lee, will you?

Chuck, Chuck, no.

Hello. Hi.

Hi, Dan Lee.

Okay.

No. No, I don't think so.

No, no. No, I really don't want to.

No, don't cry.

Don't cry.

Please don't die. Little bunny foo -foo.

Scooping out the field mice, bopping them on the head.

Hey, guys.

Oh, hey, Chuck.

Hey, Jimmy, I won't be able to shadow you today, but I was thinking that if

you're not doing anything for lunch, why don't you meet me at Joey's Gym on

Robertson? Ah, Joey's Gym. Cool. Okay, great. Okay. All right, man.

See you down there.

Well, this is more like it, okay?

I'm going to be working out with Mr. Chuck Norris. I thought it was cool

I'd be hanging out with Chuck Norris. I never dreamed he'd actually take me down

to the dojo.

I did.

Only in my dream, we both ate baskets and baskets of fried clams.

At the dojo?

Oh, I thought you said hojo.

And all I know is at lunch today, I am going to be pumping iron at the gym with

Mr. Chuck Norris.

Hey, Jimmy, over here.

I thought you'd bring your kids.

Huh? Oh, never mind. I got two of them. Come over here next to Dakota and grab a

corner.

You're just in time for the parachute song.

How much time with Chuck these past few days? I didn't expect to see you. I

decided I needed a little alone time.

Don't answer that.

Hey, Jimmy, it's Chuck.

I just looked at three magazines and can't get a straight answer.

When do you go from divers to pull -ups?

Call back.

Why did you want to talk to him?

You know what?

I'm just going to take a chance. Bye.

Jimmy, quick question. Do these wipes dry out?

Because I'm buying them in bulk, and it seems like there's about 20 ,000 of them

in there.

Wait, wait.

Inside the big box?

They're just regular small packages. We're cool. Later.

Hey, it's me. Just realized my kids are almost potty trained.

I don't think I'm going to need 20 ,000 wipes.

I'm not going to buy them.

I guess I didn't have to call and tell you that. Sorry.

It's killing me, Christine.

This isn't what I pictured when I thought about hanging out with Chuck

Come on, Jimmy. Is it really such a bad thing that Chuck Norris is just a

regular dad?

I don't want to hang out with Chuck Norris, the dad.

I've got enough friends that are dads.

I want to hang out with Chuck Norris, the action hero.

Well, what are you going to do, Jimmy? Break up with him?

How do you break up with Chuck Norris?

I don't know. I guess I'm going to have to take him to a public place. There

won't be some big scene.

Hey, Jimmy, do you know they have CDs now where they put your kids' names in?

Listen to this.

Pretty cool, huh?

Want to hear a prayer, Shaka?

Dump him. We are so over.

It's Gina calling me from home.

She's sending me a picture.

Oh, wow!

Finally!

Dakota's sitting on the potty, Jimmy. Look at this. Dakota's sitting on the

potty. Chuck, we need to talk.

Okay.

Listen, Chuck.

This relationship isn't working out for me.

What do you mean?

Well, I just...

I thought hanging out with you would be different, you know?

I wanted to hang out with Chuck Norris, the movie star, you know? Tough,

dangerous.

That's the Chuck Norris who holds up a diaper and says, Jimmy, is it supposed

be this color?

What are you saying?

I'm saying that maybe we should go our separate ways.

Maybe you should shadow someone else.

Look, I can't live up to the way I am on the screen, okay?

I mean, really think about it, Jimmy. If someone hit you over the head with a

chair, you'd be in a coma.

I'm sorry, Chuck. I guess I was just hoping for something more.

Well, the Chuck Norris you were hoping for isn't a person, Jimmy.

It's a persona.

And I thought a down -to -earth guy like you would see that and like me for who

I am, but I guess I was wrong.

I'm sorry I disappointed you. No, wait, Chuck. All right, I'm sorry.

Let's save it, okay? You've said enough.

Sorry about that, buddy. Hey, look at this. Chuck Norris. Excuse me.

You think you're so tough, don't you?

Look, nobody's looking for trouble, okay?

Well, what's the matter? I mean, you're Chuck Norris. You're not supposed to

take this crap from a dirtbag like me.

Please don't poke me.

You know what? Just leave him alone. He's not the Chuck Norris you think he

Oh, yeah?

Not that tough in real life, are you?

Now be nice.

So long, Jimmy.

Wait, wait, wait. Don't go. This is what I was talking about. This is the Chuck

Norris I wanted to hang out with.

Sorry.

You had your chance.

Wait, Chuck.

Chuck.

I'm sorry.

Hey, don't forget to stop at the store and pick up some paper and some post

-its. I don't need to stop at the store. I snagged some stuff from the supply

closet. No one will ever know.

Oh, I beg to differ.

Chuck Norris?

Brian Banks, security guard.