Original subtitles

What are you doing?

Dropping some hints. I want a golf vacation for my birthday.

Greg, that's not a very subtle hint. I mean, you just kind of came right out

told us.

No, the hint's for Kim.

Your hint will be two moving men showing up and saying, time to go.

Greg, don't you think you're getting a little carried away with the hints?

I got to do something. I can't take another one of Kim's birthday gifts. I

can't. Oh, come on, Greg. I mean, Kim puts a lot of work into figuring out

you want for your birthday. Yeah, and that's what they end up being, a lot of

work. Make your own pottery class, the salsa dance lesson, the brew your own

beer kit.

That sounds like fun.

Yeah, it's great. It's just great. You're all hot and sweaty and dying for

cold beer, and you think, hey, now might be a good time to start the

fermentation process.

Come on, Greg. I mean, you can't blame Kim for that. It was thoughtful. You

beer. Yeah, I like beer. I like steak, too. What is she going to get me for

Christmas? A cow and a hammer?

I'm not going to take any chances this year. I love golf.

I want to be playing golf on my birthday, not standing next to a beehive

my own honey.

Hey, here she comes. Change her to the golf chair.

Wow, New Golf Digest has some amazing golf weekends in here. You know where

of them are? The greater San Diego area. That's less than a three -hour drive

from here, huh?

Great, sweetie.

Yeah, listen, why don't you go ahead and put me down for two jars of honey?

Watch out, Dave! You gotta wipe the kid in love with you.

Yeah, Dave! Say I got the poster for the two.

Yeah, Dave!

If you love the best you can.

Oh,

hey, Kim. How long are you going to be on the computer?

Just a few minutes.

Okay.

What's a few? Like five, ten?

I was thinking about using the computer to play a little foul here.

There's a deck of cards in the drawer.

What are we, savages?

Hang on a second. I've still got to find my old neighbor's e -mail address.

Wow, how'd you find all those things on her?

Well, when you type someone's name into the Yahoo search engine, all kinds of

things come up.

Just by typing in the name?

Mm -hmm.

Does that mean if a guy in Maryland had like six or 70 parking tickets...

And I decided one day to say, ah, what the hell, I'm moving to California, I'm

not paying these.

They could track down that person.

Jimmy, no one's going to track you down over parking tickets.

What about defaulting on a student loan?

You only went to college for one semester.

Yeah, I know, but you go through money really fast when you don't have classes

or homework filling up your day.

Anyway, it's a great way to catch up on old friends.

Do me a favor.

Type in Alex Jaffe.

Alex Jaffe? Why do I know that name?

Ah, she went to high school with us.

That's the girl you used to date before Christine.

Oh, yeah. I guess that's her. Yeah.

Just type in her name. Look her up.

I'm not helping you look up old girlfriends on the Internet.

Look, look, it's no big deal, okay? We dated for a while. We had a thing. She

dumped me, whatever.

Just wondering what she's up to.

You just want to see if she's miserable. I'm not helping you do that.

Yes, you will. No, I won't. Yes, you will. No, I won't. No, you won't.

Jimmy, I'm not Elmer Fudd.

Hey,

Christine, I've got to ask you a favor. Would you mind watching the kids for me

this Saturday?

Of course not. Why would I mind?

Two kids, four kids, still only pushing one VCR button.

Great, thanks.

Saturday? What are we doing Saturday?

Come on, Greg. You know it's your birthday.

Getting up early and going for a little drive.

A little drive? Let's hope it's a long, straight drive right down the middle.

Yeah,

it's going to be fun. I mean, it's going to be fun for you. You're the one who's

going to be doing it. I'm driving you to San Diego.

Did you hear that? San Diego. I bet you she's taking me to Torrey Pines. Oh, my

God, I think I did it. I think I'm going to be finally playing golf on my

birthday. Great. Now you can stop leaving all those obnoxious golf hints

over the house.

Obnoxious? My hints were very low -key.

You're pathetic.

It's me, Jimmy Hughes.

Listen, I ran across your email address on the internet and thought it would be

fun to say hello.

I'm happily married and living in Los Angeles where I work as a security

Delete, delete, delete.

Where I accepted a position at Radford Studios, working with a lot of big

Daddy. Hi.

Jimmy, you know I don't care if you look at porn. Just call me if you find

something good.

Anyway, I'd love to hear what you've been doing since high school.

Beth, Jimmy Hughes.

Class of 86, rock.

I got your email while I was online and decided to instant message you. Are you

still there?

Yes, I'm still here.

Good to hear from you.

How have you been?

Great. I'm also married and I also live out here.

We live not far from Los Angeles and have a wonderful little boy.

Oh, how nice.

We have two little boys.

That's so great.

We'll have another one eventually, once we get into a house.

Nice. She's probably living in a trailer park with her deadbeat husband.

So, you don't live in a house?

Unfortunately, right now we're homeless.

Sweet.

Our whole family is stuck at the Four Seasons until the house my husband

designed is built.

Great. When our house is done, I'd love for you to come up and see it.

Great. And sometime you'll have to come see ours.

That's great.

I can do it anytime in the next couple weeks.

What?

I can do it anytime.

When can I come see your house?

Hey, Jimmy, I'm going to chip some balls out in the back.

Kim's taking me out of town Saturday.

I think I'm going to be playing golf in San Diego.

You know what? Why don't you come by?

This Saturday.

Saturday sounds great. I want to bring something.

What's your favorite wine?

Hey, Greg, what's a classy wine?

Claude Dubois Merlot.

C -L... You know what?

Just surprise me.

I'm so excited. Can I take the blindfold off? Not quite yet.

Okay, walk carefully through here, okay?

Be careful, honey.

Honey.

Okay, we're here.

Are you ready?

Actually, I'm a little confused.

I mean, I know we're at a golf course, but it's like I hear all these people

talking. Oh, my God, it's a tournament. You sign me up for a pro -am, I'm going

to be playing with the pros.

Ta -da!

Where the hell are we?

Surprise! Happy birthday!

This isn't Torrey Pines. I know, it's SeaWorld.

I signed you up for the Trainer for the Day program. Isn't that great?

But I thought I was playing golf.

No, no, no, no, no. This is special. You can play golf any day.

That's true.

Except today.

Hey, Christine, what are you still doing here?

You said you were going to take the kids to story time at the library from 2 to

4 Saturday.

Today.

I did, but the library was closed today. I don't know why.

Well,

why don't you go back and find out? I bet that's an interesting story in

What about taking the kids to Chuck E. Cheese?

Jimmy, say those words out loud. What words?

Did he say Chuck E. Cheese?

No.

There was some moldy cheddar in the fridge, and your dad said we had to...

Chuck the cheese.

What is going on? Nothing.

Jimmy, you know better than to say Chuck E. Cheese in front of the kids.

You said it. I heard you.

No, no, I didn't. And if you keep hearing things, I'm going to have to

to the doctor for a shot.

Hey,

did you hear about the sale?

What sale?

Yeah, at that store. You love them all.

What store?

You know, Bed, Bath &... Candles Pottery Gallery.

Jimmy, what the hell is going on?

All right, all right. I wanted you guys out of the house because I got an old

friend from high school coming over.

Who?

Alex.

Alex Lombardi? The kid who got a DUI in driver's ed class?

No.

It's got to be Alex Lombardi, because the only other Alex we knew in high

was Alex Jaffe.

Alex Jaffe is coming here? Why?

What happened? Did she call you?

No, she didn't call me.

You called her?

No, I wouldn't call her.

Tracked her down on the Internet.

Nice, nice. You have to call Microsoft tech support to plug in the keyboard,

when it comes to finding ex -girlfriends, you like to kick for more

Look, I don't see what the big deal is. I just want to track down an old friend

from high school.

Not an old friend. Do you mean old girlfriend?

Yes, an old girlfriend.

You know, it's about like I have feelings for her. Well, then why are you

so weird?

Because I lied.

I told her that this was our house and that I was really successful.

She's the only girl who ever dumped me, and I wanted...

To make her think that I was a big shot and then throw it in her face.

Oh.

She's your Todd Randall.

Who's Todd Randall?

Before you and I were dating, Todd Randall dumped me.

Why, what'd you do?

Nothing.

He was running for student council and his parents were afraid I'd cost him

votes.

Well, he was nuts.

Jimmy, they were all nuts. I mean, they didn't know anything back then.

They didn't know how we were going to turn out.

Yeah, I guess you're right. I should just forget this whole stupid thing.

what are you kidding?

No, no, no, no. It's payback time.

And I am going to help you. You and I are going to make this house look like

it's ours.

Really? Yep.

And when that Alex Jaffe shows up on this doorstep, she's going to see that

is at the home of a man who is a successful, hardworking, intelligent

and husband.

If any luck, she'll never find out that that man is Greg.

My name is Taylor, and I'm one of the head trainers here at SeaWorld. And

you'll learn what it takes to be a trainer.

Now, a good trainer will always make sure that each animal's diet has been

properly prepared and kept well iced.

Excuse me.

Do you have any gloves?

Just a little too much. Um, I think there might be some latex gloves in the

back. Actually, I'm allergic to latex. Oh.

Well, you know what?

A good trainer would be able to tough it out. Yeah, well, a really good trainer

would be able to teach a fish to jump into the dolphin's mouth.

I had a great time.

Hey,

this isn't as bad as I thought.

Yeah. Did you ever think that we would be all dressed up and the proud owners

this house?

Not without a room full of flowers and two cups of ashes on the mantel.

You know what? I think this is actually going to work.

Dominic and Logan are getting dressed, and Sam and Emily are out in the guest

house watching cartoons.

Oh, man, I cannot wait to see the look on Alex's face when she comes in.

You guys look great.

Now, what are you going to say when you meet Alex?

I'd love to stay and chat, but we'd be remiss if we didn't go off to practice

our French.

Au revoir!

Now's the part of the day I'm sure everyone's been waiting for. Let's go

and get in the pool so you can all interact with the dolphins.

Okay.

Excuse me, have any of these dolphins ever bitten anyone?

Oh, no, no, no. Although they are wild animals, these guys here love

with humans.

Well, what about ramming you with their heads? Because I'm pretty sure I saw

Flipper do that once to a bank robber.

Sir, I assure you, this is perfectly safe. I even brought my 90 -year -old

grandmother down here, and she swam in the pool.

Yeah, but at her age, what has she got to lose?

Sir, I assure you, these dolphins are no more dangerous than...

than playful golden retrievers. But I'll have you know I was once bitten by a

playful golden retriever. Thanks for dredging up that painful memory on this

most awful day. Good day, ma 'am.

Is

she

here?

No, not yet.

Jimmy, she was supposed to be here like three hours ago.

Well, it's just Alex.

I mean, Alex is always late. I mean, she's, you know, late for our first

She's late for the homecoming dance.

I remember one time I was terrified she was two weeks late for...

She was late a lot.

Jimmy, I don't think she's coming.

I can't believe this. She stood me up again.

It's like the one chance I have to rub it in her face what a stupid idiot she

was for dumping me, and she doesn't even have the common decency to show up.

Well, don't just give up.

Christine, if you're going to rub something in somebody's face, you need

face.

No, you don't, because you have her e -mail address, and we could grab Greg's

digital camera and send her pictures of how nice everything looks.

Oh, no.

Yeah, you're right.

We need to do something more than the house.

Oh, we could use Kim's Photoshop program and we could doctor up some photos. We

could make it look like you have courtside seats to the Lakers.

Oh, my God, Jimmy.

I could digitally take out Laura Flynn Boyle, which, you know, shouldn't take

long because, you know.

And I can make it look like Jack Nicholson has his hand on your knee.

You know what?

I don't need to say anything to Alex Jaffe.

Because I have one.

I am married to the most beautiful, supportive, pathological liar a man

hope for.

Thanks, honey.

I'm a lucky guy. I can't believe you'd be willing to do all that just to make

old girlfriend feel like crap for me.

I was even ready to use the phrase multiple orgasm.

You'd do that for me?

Actually, I was hoping that after everything I did for you today, that you

do that for me.

Frank, what's going on?

Oh, I just, I think the sun got me a little tired. I think I'm just going to

pass on the rest of the day.

No, you can't. This is the best part.

The whole reason I signed you up for this is because I thought you'd love

swimming with a dolphin.

Why?

Why would you think that I would want to swim with a dolphin?

It's a unique opportunity.

Why do you give me all these crazy gifts?

What are you talking about? What crazy gifts? Your gifts, Kim. There's always

some crazy activity that involves more work than fun.

I'm sorry you never liked any of my gifts.

But, you know, maybe the problem isn't my gifts. Maybe the problem is you.

What is that supposed to mean?

Did you see those other people out there? They were having a great time.

Yeah, yeah, because they probably wanted to be there.

They didn't know that. They'd never done it before.

They tried it with an open mind.

You never even gave it a chance.

You know, you never used to be like this. You used to try new things all the

time.

But whatever. If you want to be an old grouch, be an old grouch.

I'm sick of trying.

Because whenever I try to give you a new experience, you get exactly what you

put into it.

Nothing.

Wait a minute. You're right. I mean, you're absolutely right.

Maybe I am turning into an old grouch. I mean, I probably would have enjoyed it

if I was younger.

I don't know what's wrong with me.

I'm sorry.

I really am. I'm sorry.

I just want you to have fun.

I know.

Excuse me. Where are you going?

Greg Warner is going to go swim with the dolphins.

Okay, now that you've got a chance to swim with some of our dolphins, we're

going to give you a special treat.

I'm going to give Nitro and Turbo some signal and send them through their show

routine. Wait till you see what these guys can do.

Look out, dolphins. I'm ready to have some fun.

Whoa, whoa.

I'm messing around with Kim's Photoshop program.

Jimmy, I thought you didn't care about impressing Alex anymore.

No, these aren't for Alex. These are for my high school guidance counselor who

said I'd never amount to anything. Check it out.