Original subtitles

Anyone going to eat that last crescent roll? I might.

When do you think you might know?

After I finish my chicken, if I'm still hungry, I might eat it.

Well, you've got a lot of chicken left. By the time you eat that roll, it's

going to be cold.

Now that you've filled up on that roll, you're probably not going to be able to

finish that six.

One, two, three. You got to watch and keep in love with you.

Yeah, baby. Take all the fucking brothers to you. Yeah, baby. And live

the best you can.

your executive.

Yeah, well, take your kid to work day. I thought it'd be cute if he looked like

his father when he goes to work.

Oh, well, in that case, my kids are going to need jelly donut stains on

shirts and a frisbee.

Well, Sammy, ready for our big day?

Yeah. Well, you sure look sharp, but you don't need a tie.

Greg! Sorry, sorry. When did he stop wearing clip -ons?

He wanted a big boy tie.

All right, Buzz, you ready to see your father?

Wow, don't you look spiffy. Yeah, it's a big day. I just wanted to look my very

best. Oh, honey, your tie's crooked.

Jimmy.

My big boy tie had jelly on it.

When are we going to Daddy's office?

Well, someone lost their keys in the storm drain and your daddy's having to

with it.

It was Daddy Lots of Teas, right?

Yeah.

Well, this should be a treat for you guys. This is what an executive's office

looks like.

Wow, it's big.

Yeah, biggest one on the lot. Jenkins has more windows, but his overlooks the

commissary, so on Fajita Friday, his office smells like Tijuana.

Can you throw a penny then at the people in the parking lot? No, no, you can't,

Dominic. Can I throw less football?

No, that's not a throwing football.

That's sports memorabilia. What else can we do? This is boring.

It's not boring. It's just not a playground. Come over here. I'll show

start my day.

Now, usually the first thing I do is I sit at my computer.

Cool. Do you have any games?

Oh, I wish I had time for games, but I happen to have a very demanding job.

In fact, look at that. It's not even 9 o 'clock. I've got like 20 emails.

What's online Viagra?

You're a good little reader now, aren't you?

and look what you did. You knocked over my Zen guard.

All right, that's it. Time to find your daddy.

I'm sure he misses being with you as much as I miss you being with him. And

the way to the guard shack, perhaps we'll stop by the janitor's office and

him and his son to come up and sweep up my serenity scent.

Here we go, boys.

Hey, guys!

Welcome to the guard shack. Look what I got for you. I got your hats, I got your

badges, and I got your little flashlight.

And now...

You were just an elementary school diploma away from being a real security

guard. You guys want to see how I let in the car?

Yeah. Okay, watch this.

You step over here.

You press this button.

You say, have a good one.

Although, towards the end of the day, it gets kind of hot. And I get kind of

tired. So I invented this.

Look at that.

Well, there you have it, kids. Even when your job consists of sitting down and

pushing a button, you can always strive to do less.

Yeah, I thought it was cool. And check these out. Here.

Walkie -talkies. Can I try one? Yeah, you bet.

Here you go. Here you go, Sammy. I'll tell you what.

Sammy and I are going to run over here. We'll hide behind the bush and you guys

talk to us. Actually, Sammy and I have a meeting to go to.

Jimmy, we really need to go.

I don't want to go.

Sammy, yeah, but it's take your kid to work day and your daddy doesn't work in

the bush.

Greg, why don't you just go to the meeting and I'll stay here with Sammy.

after the meeting's over, you come back and get him.

Fine, fine. I've got to make this meeting. I'll see you later.

Yeah, listen, I was just outside. I think I might have picked up a couple of

ticks.

I'm going to need a lighter and some tweezers, huh?

So did the boys have fun? Oh,

man, they loved it. Their favorite part was the Western Town set.

They had a blast hitting me with a bunch of breakaway chairs and one non

-breakaway bar stool that hurt like hell.

I wouldn't know. He spent the whole day with Jimmy. I kept going back to get

him, but he wouldn't come with me.

Well, he's probably just having fun.

Well, I mean, he could have fun with me. I'm fun. I'm just as much fun as Jimmy.

Hey, hey, hey, what are you doing? The wedding guy was just here.

Yeah, you are fun.

Well, what's fun about that? Smudges aren't fun.

Look, Greg.

The kids love hanging out with Jimmy because he's one of them. He's a big

Tell me about it. How many adults get a lecture from the doc about swallowing

too much gum?

Come on. Jimmy's Sammy's uncle. It's great to have a fun uncle.

Yeah, but Jimmy's not an uncle. I mean, uncles visit, and then they leave. They

don't live in the same house.

Uncles show up a couple of times a year, maybe teach you how to smoke a cigar.

Then they leave, fall off the wagon, and then send inappropriate pictures from

the Philippines.

How is your Uncle Dave?

I don't know, but that's the way it's supposed to be with uncles. I mean,

Jimmy's too much a part of our kids' lives. It's like Sammy has two dads.

Ridiculous. No, you know what? That's true. Our kids do kind of have two sets

parents, but that's good.

Good for who?

For everyone.

Look, your kids get a lot of horseplay they would otherwise be missing.

My kids get a lot of meals they would otherwise be missing.

I mean, until my boys met Kim, they just thought stoves were nothing but large

cigarette lighters.

Honey, I know that you're upset, but as Sammy gets older, he'll come to

recognize the qualities that make you a great father.

Responsibility, guidance, financial security. Boring.

Sammy will be in college by the time he understands that stuff.

I want to be fun dad now.

Oh, window cleaner! Window cleaner! Call the police!

Hey,

where's the kids?

Yeah, they made a fort.

Hello?

Anyone there?

Sorry, need the password.

Well, I don't want to come in. I want you guys to come out.

We're playing.

Well, guess I'm going to have to go to Legoland all by myself.

You're taking us all to Legoland?

Wow, Greg, that's great.

Yep, Legoland.

Rides and Legos.

Land.

Hey, yeah, I got something else fun I want to show you guys outside.

Hey, wait a minute. Come on. Hop on. Hop on. This will be fun, too. This will be

fun, too. Hop on. Hop on.

Okay. Okay.

Oh, I can't move.

Is it as fun? It's like a car shaped like a giant hot dog.

Well, don't I feel stupid. I just threw out my dumpster full of sauerkraut.

Where'd you get this?

They were shooting a commercial on the lot. I kind of had to wrangle a deal for

the weekend. On the way back, we have to stop and make an appearance at a

supermarket opening in Irvine.

Can we just go in the minivan?

Fun dad doesn't just bring his kids to fun. He brings his kids to fun and fun

because nothing's funner than finding a fun way to get to a fun place.

What? Just get in the hot dog.

Are we there yet?

Yep, only ten more miles to go. It won't be long now.

Greg, we haven't moved an inch in the last hour.

Yeah, but those truckers up ahead must know something.

They're packing up their hibachi.

How?

Dominic Logan, stop it! I mean it!

I swear I'll make Uncle Greg turn this wiener around and... Oh, my kids.

I can't discipline my kids in a giant hot dog.

Hey, buddy.

Can I get three hot dogs with everything?

Oh, no, we don't have hot dogs.

What, are you sold out?

No, we're not selling hot dogs. This is just advertising.

And it worked.

I want a hot dog. We don't have them.

We don't have them. It's just a symbol.

You don't walk up to the Statue of Liberty and say, I'd like to buy some

liberty, do you?

Fine. Thanks for nothing.

You're welcome.

I'm going to have to ask the guy at the hardware store for wiener -colored touch

-up paint.

I want a hot dog.

I want a hot dog, too.

We don't have hot dogs. It's advertising.

Well, I'm stuck. There's no food.

There's only one thing left to do.

Eat Logan.

Emily, because I'm a pig.

Who wants to see the pig?

Pig, pig, pig, pig, pig.

I was going to ask for a couple of dogs with relish, but can I see your license

and registration?

Look at all these cities made of Legos. It's amazing.

San Francisco, New York, New Orleans.

Yeah, look at all these little Lego people, you know, not a care in the

It's like they never have to worry about money. They got a nice place to live.

Tell you, I envy them.

What do you mean you envy them? Slap a peg on your head, you're one of them.

This is fun. It's amazing what they can do with Legos. I know. Can you imagine

if they had really big Legos and then they used them to build stuff for humans

to work and live in?

They do, Jimmy. They're called bricks.

So what should we do first, Sammy? Yeah, there's a boat, a train, an airplane -y

thing.

Rollercoaster.

Yeah, okay, right.

Rollercoaster. Hey, look over there. There's the Mount Rushmore.

No, rollercoaster.

Sammy, Sammy, Daddy can't go on the rollercoaster. He gets motion sickness.

You know what? I'll take him. No, no, no. I can take my own son on the

rollercoaster. Greg. I'll be fine, Kim.

Are you sure? I've seen you get sick on the swings at the park.

If that wasn't motion sickness, I'd put my hand on some kid's booger.

This is going to be fun, don't you think? This is going to be fun?

Hey, want to get some apple fries after this? I'd rather not think about food

right now, thank you.

They're kind of like french fries, but they're sweeter, so, you know, you

wouldn't put chili on them.

But would you?

Jimmy, please stop talking.

NOOOO!

Still can't believe I puked on my son.

So you threw up on Sammy.

It's not like he's never thrown up on you.

Heck, I remember one time he peed on you.

Yeah, well, if the roller coaster went faster, we'd be even.

Okay. You had a bad morning.

No, but there's still time to try some other rides.

I bet you could handle the mini train.

If you sit in front and keep your eyes on the horizon.

No, I better just stay here. You guys can come get me when you're leaving.

This whole trip was a bad idea.

It's a great idea.

The kids are having a terrific time because you work hard and care enough to

plan special days like this.

And maybe it'll be years before you get credit for all that you do, but that's

what makes you a good dad.

You keep doing it anyway.

That's a lot harder than being fun.

Yeah, maybe so.

Excuse me?

Do you feel well enough to go outside?

I don't think so. Why?

Because you smell like puke.

I left him right here. I wonder where he went.

Hey, can you guys give me a boost? I've got to get up there.

The eyes on your dinosaur are still uneven.

I heard you the first six times.

I'm working on it.

Greg, should you really be changing their display?

Display? Kim, I built this.

You're kidding.

No.

This is amazing.

Hey, sorry we're late. I let Dominic push Emily in the stroller and he wiped

a... Jazz funeral on Miniature Bourbon Street.

Hey, guys, look at the dinosaur Greg made.

Wow. You like it?

Yeah, can I touch it?

Sure, go up there and touch it.

Great. You put all this together?

Wow, that's amazing.

Last week it took you 20 minutes to open up a beach chair.

We can make something cool. In fact, if you like Legos, Grandma's got all my old

Legos at her house, and we can get her to send them out, and we can play with

Legos all the time.

Cool. Can I build something with you too, Uncle Greg? Hey, you know what,

Dominic? Why don't you let him play with Sammy? I'll teach you to make something

cool. Hey, so what do you want to build now? You want to build a dinosaur? You

want to build, like, a brontosaurus or a stegosaurus?

How about a cave?

A cave? Well, sure. The dinosaur's got to have a place to live. We'll build a

cave. Hey, guys.

Hey, look what I made.

It's a stick.

I'm going to teach you how to make a stick.

Can you please build with us?

Sure, grab some Legos. I mean, if the dinosaur has a brother -in -law, I'm

he's going to need a guest cave.

And a stick.

Where's Jimmy?

I don't know. He left me a note saying he was taking a couple days off and

to Mardi Gras.

Mardi Gras is enduring this time of year.

Woo!

Party!

Come on, ladies! It's Mardi Gras!

Come on!

Let me hear some noise!

Woo!

Come on. Come on here, ladies. Here, ladies. Who wants some beer? Who wants

beer? Come on. Come on. Oh, yeah. Yeah? Hey, what do you say, sweetheart? Come

on. What do you say? Yeah, show me your pegs.

Come on.

Oh, what?

Oh, what? You thought it was jazz?