Original subtitles

Jimmy, could you move your feet?

Hey, come on. They're not blocking your view. You've got heat lines coming off

of your sweaty socks. I feel like I'm driving in the desert.

Hello? Can I help you? Hi, I'm looking for Dominic's parents. Is this the

residence? That depends on the legal interpretations of swatter's rights.

Excuse me?

No, come on in. You're looking for them? And by the way, if they owe you any

money, this stuff is theirs.

I'm Jimmy. Hi, I'm Harold Nicholson.

I'm really sorry to bother you, but my son Ronnie goes to school with your son

Dominic. I don't ever remember Dominic mentioning Ronnie, have you?

No. He mentioned a Donnie, but that's just because his father is some ex

that came to school and bragged about how he killed a man with a single

No gun, just a single bullet.

I'm guessing that's not you. No, not hardly, no.

I'm here because my son's been taking a lot of abuse at school lately, and your

son Dominic's one of the boys who's been doing it.

Dominic, that's horrible.

Is Ronnie okay?

Oh, yeah, nothing physical, mostly name -calling. Some mild poking.

There's no such thing as mild poking when you bruise easily.

I had so many finger -sized bruises when I was in grade school, the nurse said

that I looked like a leopard.

Some of the kids thought she said leper, and once that rumor got going...

The finger poking stopped as they started using sticks.

Look, Mr.

Nicholson, we are really sorry. I mean, Dominic is usually not like this. We're

going to have a very serious talk with him. Yeah, you bet we will. Trust me,

Dominic won't ever pick on your son again.

Thank you.

Well, I better be going.

I was going to stop and see the parents of a boy named Donnie, but actually, I

think I'll just have my wife call them.

Unbelievable. I thought Dominic knew better than that.

Well, we also thought Logan knew better than to play with permanent markers, but

he's going to have the circles around his nipples till Christmas.

I'm sure once you speak to Dominic, he'll stop.

That's not enough. He's going to have to make it up to that boy.

Yeah, that's absolutely right.

I don't know.

Sometimes it's good to let kids work things out for themselves.

No, really, Kim? Let them work things out for themselves? Let them work their

way from poking to shoving to wet willies and purple nurples?

Or just finish off with a big Hertz donut.

What is a Hertz donut?

Hertz donut.

Not really, but I see your point.

There's no way I'm going to allow Dominic to think it's cool to prey on

and take pleasure in hurting others.

Man, I wish there were parents like you when I went to school. Then maybe I

wouldn't have got picked on so much for taking home ec.

You took home ec?

My mother assured me that a man that could cook was a great catch.

She was right. She just didn't tell me once they caught me, they're going to

beat me with my own rolling pin.

Hey, Logan, I need to talk to Dominic, so I need you to go find something to

What should I do?

I don't know. Why don't you go soap up a washcloth, take another run at your

nipples.

So, listen, Dominic, I want to hear about this kid Ronnie Nicholson in your

class.

Oh, you mean Puke Face War Meter?

Now, why would you call a kid a name like that?

Because one time he ate some worms and puked all over the teacher. It was

hilarious.

It's actually on the teacher?

Oh, that is kind of funny.

What makes a kid eat worms, anyway?

You put them in a sandwich.

Now, see, this is what I'm talking about. You shouldn't be playing tricks

that. You shouldn't even be calling them names.

It's weird.

All the kids do it. Well, that doesn't mean that you should. Now, what's gotten

into you? We didn't raise you to be like this.

You think it's cool to pick on someone just because he's different?

Huh?

Well, it's not.

You know what? You're going to make up for what you did to Ronnie.

You know what you're going to do?

I have to eat a worm?

Well, start tomorrow.

Ronnie's going to be your new best friend.

Can't I just eat a worm?

Nope. You're going to invite Ronnie over.

You're going to play with him.

And at the end of the day, he's going to be your new buddy.

But how?

He doesn't play sports.

He insists that Reese is reading or singing silly songs.

He's a nerd.

Well, guess what? It's your job to make him cool. Why?

Because you can.

Look, Dominic, sometimes there's kids in this world who are different, who just

need a kid like you to put your arm around them and help make them feel like

they're one of the gang.

And so tomorrow, that's what you're going to do.

What if I had a dead bird?

I know there's a dead bird.

Ready?

Hi, sweetie.

Hey. Hey?

That's all I get is hey?

It's just I wasn't expecting the blonde wig.

I thought you liked the blonde wig. No, no, I do. I love it. It's just we

started doing this to keep things fresh, and I've been with the blonde wig

already.

Well, I'm sorry.

I'm trying.

You know, maybe you could try once in a while. You want me to put on a girl's

wig? I didn't know you swung that way, but I'm okay with it.

No, I want you to do something for you.

Now, why am I the only one who has to do the stuff?

You want me to put on a costume? I can get a costume.

There's got to be something in here.

Oh, here we go.

All right.

Got something good.

Get ready.

Stick them up, honey.

Greg, um, the water in the guest house was shut off. Those are Christine's. No!

Ma 'am, I reckon this is more to your liking.

Close.

A little more Clint Eastwood. A little less Woody from Toy Story.

I just rode into town and I'm looking for a hot bath and a hotter bed.

Oh.

If you're not careful, someone's leaving here with a raw hide.

It's so hard.

I, uh, I've been riding all day.

What are you doing?

Dominic's play date just showed up.

You know, the kid doesn't look so nerdy.

Oh, no.

What? He just made his dad carry him over a puddle.

Hey, get the door. I'm going to go get Dominic.

Hey, come on in.

Thank you.

Hi, Ronnie. I'm Greg, Dominic's uncle.

Hi.

I just want you to know things are going to get better.

What?

Life. Someday you're going to be very successful. Those jerk bullies are going

to be pumping your gas.

Believe me, I know. I played the flute in high school band.

Flute's tough, but try playing the harp. Ooh, you played the harp? Wow, you

can't even run with one of those, can you?

No.

No, you can't.

Hey, I found them.

What do you say, Dominic?

I am glad you came. I cannot wait to share my cool toys with you. Wow, buddy,

put her there.

It'll be okay.

It will, right? Yeah. Yeah, of course it will. Right, Dominic? I am glad you

came.

Okay, Dominic. Okay.

You know what? Maybe I'll stick around for a little while just to sort of...

no, no. We'll be fine. Everything's going to be great. Trust me.

Okay.

See you in a couple hours, buddy.

Bye, Dad.

Listen, thank you so, so much for this. I brought Ronnie's backpack. It has a

few of his toys.

Oh, no. We've got plenty.

Well, you know, it also has extra sunscreen. It's gluten -free snacks and

pair of clean pants in case he, uh... Well, you know, sometimes if he gets a

little excited, he, uh... Just keep the bag.

Okay, Ronnie.

We have got a ton of cool, fun things for you to do today. Do you know how to

play baseball?

No. Well, you know what? It's Dominic's favorite sport. Maybe he could teach

you. I don't know.

Baseball's scary.

Yeah, tell me about it.

My cousin got hit by a line drive when he was 10 and they had to wire his jaw

shut.

The blender was broken, so for a few days my aunt had to chew his food for

Okay, careful, Greg. The kid's only got one extra pair of pants.

Hey. Hey, Jimmy.

So, how's your, uh, great experiment in reverse social Darwinism going?

Um, I don't know. How's your experiment using big words to confuse Jimmy going?

How is the play date going?

Oh, you know what? They're getting along great.

Well, it started a little rough.

Dominic offered him a Hawaiian punch and Ronnie locked himself in the bathroom.

Hey, buddy. I hear it's going great out there.

Yeah. We've been waiting for you guys to get home.

We've got to fix something in the backyard.

By the way, I, uh...

Stopped at the costume store on the way home and got a little something for

tonight. Oh, good, because the cowboy's ready to saddle up and ride again.

Oh, the cowboy.

Oh, do you like the cowboy?

Oh, yes, I like the cowboy, but I've already ridden with the cowboy.

It's a midnight cowboy.

How does that work?

Now, now, darling, we don't talk about money until we get up to the apartment.

Hey, what's all this?

I thought you guys were playing baseball.

No, we decided to do things Ronnie likes instead.

Things Ronnie likes? Take your seat, folks. Curtain's going up.

Oh, they're putting on a play.

A play?

Really? A play?

No.

Oh, good, because I was going to say... It's not a play. It's a musical.

Gotta treat it. We get trapped.

Gotta kiss it.

We get kicked.

It's a hard knock life.

You're gonna clean this dump till it shines like the top of the Chrysler

building.

Yank the whiskers, mother team.

a great thing.

This isn't supposed to be what happens. Dominic's supposed to make Ronnie more

like him, not the other way around.

Oh, but look, they're having so much fun.

This isn't baseball.

Well, who knows? Maybe they'll do damn Yankees next.

Looks like you had quite a party in here tonight.

We sure did. How do you think I got all these Mardi Gras beads?

Girl, you've gone wild.

Well, I hope you brought your camera.

Unit 7 to B.

I'm going to have to take care of one of these hot spots. No backup required.

Hey, where's Dominic?

He's been there watching TV with Ronnie.

They got picked on at school today for putting on a show during recess.

I knew it. See, Christine, this is why I wanted them to play baseball.

It's America's favorite pastime.

You know what America's second favorite pastime is?

Beating up kids who sing show tunes at recess.

Hey, I heard you guys had kind of a rough day.

Worst day ever.

Well, it was pretty normal for me.

But Dominic's not used to having his underpants pull up to his shoulders.

Well, you know what?

Maybe this isn't so bad. I mean, what did you learn today?

It's not fun being the one who gets picked on.

That's right. So what are you going to do about it?

I don't know.

I guess you could stop being friends with me and go back to hanging out with

bully. Really? Great.

No, listen. Being a bully is never okay.

Now, listen, guys.

What did you do when they first picked on you today?

We ran away.

I told them to run in a zigzag.

That makes it hard for them to hit you with rocks.

That's the problem. You can't just turn and run away.

You've got to stay in your ground right in front of them.

Then the rocks would hit us in the face.

Okay, let's just forget about the rocks for a second there, okay?

But they'll clobber us. Then you know what? You clobber them back. Trust me,

do that once and they will never bully you again.

Now, I know it sounds wrong to hit, but this time you guys have my permission.

Tomorrow, you're going to stop those bullies by standing up to them.

I don't know, Dad.

There's so many of them and only two of us.

I'll try.

Hey, it'll be like in Phil on the Roof when Timmy stands up to the Russian

soldiers.

Yeah, I was thinking Magnum P .I. when the little English guy stands up to the

biker gang, but sure.

Come in.

Hi, G .I.

Thank you for liberating our village.

I have lived with such oppression.

Now I am free to be a woman again.

And you must be lonely so far from home.

I can't understand what you're saying. Why don't you take off your gas mask

while I make the room more comfortable?

You know, in ancient times, these aromatic candles were considered an

aphrodisiac. Kim, I can't breathe. There's no air in here.

The scent would drive the shepherd crazy with desire.

No!

No air! I can't breathe!

Didn't you hear me screaming? I was dying in there.

Why did you wear such a weird thing anyway? Weird? Look at you. It's like

getting ready to have sex with a small bag of laundry.

Fine, I'll take it off.

But who's gone for tonight anyway?

Let's just go to bed, get some sleep, and start over tomorrow.

What?

You look cute.

It's just me.

What? I haven't seen just plain old you in a while.

I haven't seen you either.

What do you say? Maybe just Greg and Kim tonight?

Yeah, sure. But just for clarity, I'm Greg and you're Kim, right?

Hey, what's in the box?

Nothing.

What are you, throwing a costume party?

Well, as you must know, yes, these are costumes.

Him and I decided to spice up our love life with a little role -playing, and I

must admit, it worked.

We had some amazing nights of very passionate lovemaking.

Look, Greg, if you don't want to invite me to your party, just say so.

You don't have to make up some crazy story.

Hey, come on in.

Harold, everything okay?

Uh, no.

Uh, no, it's not.

I can't believe you told my son to fight. He's gonna get hurt. No, he's not

gonna get hurt.

He already got hurt.

What? He was practicing a chokehold on one of the stuffed animals. The head

off, he breathed in some of the stuffing, and he had a terrible asthma

thank you very much.

You told him to fight? Are you crazy?

No, I just told him to stand up for themselves. What would you have told him

do, just walk away? No, run. That way they can't hit you in the back of the

with a rock.

I taught Ryan to zigzag. Nice. Thank you.

Trust me, if they just stand up to these bullies this one time, the bullies are

going to back down, and all this will stop.

Well, I'm sorry, but I have my son to think about.

Jimmy, I'm sure you were a bully. You have no idea what it's like to get

on. It's something that sticks with you for the rest of your life. Well, you

know what? I was a bully, and that's something that sticks with you, too.

You know, to this day, I feel terrible about all the things I did to those

You know, the noogies, the swirlies, and the waggies. Well, you feel terrible.

Every time I pull up my underwear, the slide is a bit too high. My butt cheeks

involuntarily flinch.

Look, well, you know what? It's not easy being a bully, either. Every time I

drive by an elementary school, I remember all the kids I made cry.

Yeah, but you have a choice, Jimmy. Bullies have a choice not to push people

around. Well, you know what?

Nerds have a choice, too. They can push back.

You know, if just one of you nerds had stood up to me and punched me in the

face, then I would have stopped.

And today I feel better about myself and so would you. No, stop your whining.

Let the man raise his own son. Leave him out of your psycho drama. You keep

telling Ronnie to run away from those guys. Yeah, yeah, you go tell him. You

tell him to run. You tell him to run away. You tell him to just run away

he grows up to be an old nerd like the two of you. Oh, the big bully called us

nerds. Do you think that still upsets us? I know it does.

But you're not going to do anything about it. And you know why?

Because nerds never do anything.

That's the problem.

Yeah, you let bullies get away with it.

Okay, you get upset, but then you hold in your anger and you just run away.

And you know what? You're going to teach Sammy to be the same as you. This has

nothing to do with Sammy. What are you talking about? Of course it does.

You're going to teach Sammy, when he gets upset, to hold in his anger and run

away. And then you know what? Then Sammy's going to grow up and be a

powerless nerd like you.

Ow!

Do you feel better?

Yeah, I do.

How about you?

Yeah.

Yeah, I do.

You better run.

Well,

this is exciting, huh? A little backyard theater?

I'm just happy they're not getting picked on anymore.

I'm sorry, ladies and gentlemen. The show is delayed.

We're still waiting on Annie and Sandy.

Where are they? We don't know.

Greg?

They're waiting for us.

Greg?

Forget the show.

I think Annie needs to give Sandy a bath.

I've been a very dirty dog.

You know, you're really starting to creep me out with this stuff.