Original subtitles

What are you doing with my video camera?

He's making an audition tape for Big Brother.

Are you serious? Big Brother? Yeah, I always had a daydream that I'd be on a

show. Me too. But in mine, you're on an episode of Unsolved Mysteries and all

they can find is your car.

I'd love to see you on Big Brother, Jimmy.

Oh, please. Do you have any idea how many people put in applications for that

show? Why do you waste your time with such stuff?

Because I think positively.

You know, that's the problem, Greg. You're always so negative. You know, I

that the glass is half full.

Yeah, and I think, hey, that's my glass. Why are you drinking out of it?

Hey, Greg, get in here. We're going to watch Jimmy's audition tape for Big

Brother. Now?

I taped 60 minutes two weeks ago, and I was finally going to get to watch it.

Oh, come on. It'll just take a second.

Sorry, I saw that you'd written 60 minutes on there. I thought that was the

length of the tape.

I know you're getting a lot of these tapes, so I thought I'd make one myself

show you why I'd be great on Big Brother.

I work at a studio across town where we shoot Big Brother, so I'm very familiar

with the world of television.

Jimmy's a loving and caring husband, and he knows how to take care of me after a

long day.

fun to watch.

And

I

am probably the only one with a

celebrity endorsement.

Hey, look who it is.

Can you open the gate? Yeah, sure. Could you just say I'd be great on Big

Brother?

If you open the gate, I'll say you'll be great on my little sister.

You hear that, folks? That's why he's Mr. Robert Klein.

All right, listen, I think I was shaking the camera a little bit. Can we try

that again?

I'm begging you. Can you open the gate?

So that's me, Jimmy Hughes.

I'm a regular guy just looking to be on Big Brother. So thanks for watching.

Have a good one.

It's me riding a bike naked.

They always pick people who get naked in their video.

So check this out. This is where I put my feet on the handlebars and steal.

What? They picked you?

Congratulations. I don't believe it. I just don't believe it. How does life

happen to work out for you?

You know, you don't have a place to live. I just happen to have a room. You

don't have a job. One just happens to fall into your lap. What, did you make a

deal with the devil?

Yeah, Craig, I sold my soul to the devil so I could work as a security guard and

live in your guest house.

I really just hope the devil keeps all his promises and lets me go blind by

Christmas.

to him, Jimmy. We're really proud of you. Thank you. Well, listen, I got to

leave in two days. I got to start packing my luggage.

Greg, where's your luggage?

Two days?

That's too soon.

Yeah, I know, but we talked about this. You're so cool with it, right?

Yeah, you know, it's going to be hard to take care of the kids all by myself,

you know? I mean, basically going to be like a single mom for three months.

Christine, if this is going to be a problem, I don't have... No, no, no.

get through it. Don't worry. I mean, this is a great opportunity, right? And

maybe you'll win. And with $500 ,000, we can finally buy our own house.

Your own house? What's that?

Listen, I just... I don't want to make you a single mom. Look, you have nothing

to worry about. Of course, me and Kim will help with the kids. But I get

Dominic. After last Saturday night, I'm never watching Logan again.

Kid can't even wipe himself.

Yes, he can.

lazy little weasel.

Welcome to Big Brother.

We're here with 12 people chosen to live in this house for three months with no

contact to the outside world.

Okay? At the count of three, you will enter the house and select your bed.

Keep in mind, not all beds are equal, so I suggest you pick carefully.

Ready?

One, two, three, go.

Bye, brother.

That idiot, he's probably looking for the guest house.

This is weird. I watch a show all the time. They usually have an old guy. Oh,

damn.

I know I've only been in here for a little while, but I already hate all

people.

He's just so straightforward and honest. I can't believe a successful doctor

like him isn't married.

Hey, man, this is what I was looking forward to. Long days with nothing to do

but just drink beer and check out the swimsuits.

Yeah, you can really tell who prepared for this and who didn't. Yeah, man.

Worked out, worked out, pigged out.

You and that girl Lisa, you seen her be getting along, huh?

Yeah, she's sweet.

Dude, she is fine.

I think you got a real shot there.

Jimmy, you do know that I'm gay, right?

Okay.

Check out the abs on Nathan.

That's the thing about Jimmy.

He didn't seem to care that I'm gay.

He didn't even seem to notice.

Tomorrow I'm going to tell him that I'm black.

It's nice to have another guy in the house that's in the same boat as me.

Surrounded by beautiful women, but neither one of us is going to do

about it.

When I said the same boat, I don't mean like we're shipmates.

Because I love women.

I would love to get with some of these hot chicks here.

But I never would.

Because I'm happily married.

So, Christine, if you're watching, it may look like I'm flirting, but I'm

really, I'm just, I'm just playing the game.

At this point in the game.

Wow, Jimmy did pretty well.

Okay, boys.

Show's over.

Bath time.

Why do we have to take a bath?

We're not dirty.

Not dirty?

Logan, in the last hour, I've seen you put your finger in three different

nostrils.

Come on. Let's go. Get in there.

And so the single parenting begins.

Better grab some extra towels.

When they're done in the tub, our bathroom looks like Quint's boat near

of Jaws.

way you're done, the floor's all dry.

It's usually a mess in here.

That's only from when Daddy plays Wet St. Bernard.

Really?

Okay. Well, tell me this. Last week, whose idea was it to have the baby

snowstorm?

Christine, I took some time to look up a couple of pieces of real estate that I

think you might be interested in, you know, for when Jimmy wins the big money.

Wow, look at this.

Three bedrooms, three baths? Yeah, five acres of land.

Looks pretty good.

Where is it?

Um, that's in Maine.

The houseguests have been cut off from the outside world for almost three days

now. Let's see how they're dealing with their isolation.

Well, I thought I would miss TV, but I didn't realize I'd have Jimmy. And that

concludes season two of The Simpsons.

He could do any cartoon you ask for, entire episodes, without commercials, so

really he's better than TV.

Let's check in with a house guest.

Hi, everybody.

Hi, Jimmy.

I hope you're all ready for the nomination ceremony.

Yeah. What is that?

Oh, that's where the head of household nominates two people for eviction, and

then tomorrow everyone votes on who they want to kick out of the house.

Well, it's probably going to be June and that bitch Allison.

Everybody knows she shaved her legs with Marcellus' head razor.

You are safe.

Jimmy, Allison, you are the two people I've chosen for nomination for eviction.

No, no, no, they can't kick him out. I just found you guys a split -level home

in Winnipeg.

Well, the first two nominations for eviction are in, but as usual, earlier

afternoon, some backdoor dealing was going on in the Big Brother house.

Now, the other nominee has to be someone everybody likes.

That way, Allison will get all the votes.

How about Jimmy?

Yeah, Jimmy's the most popular guy in the house.

Yeah, I'll do it.

I'll be the decoy.

Thank God.

No kidding.

I'm not ready for Jimmy to come home.

Watch this. Okay, kids, time for bed.

G'day, Mom.

it's easier.

He's the one who gets them fired up every night. Really? You know, Kim, all

time I thought it was Jimmy and me united against Dominic and Logan.

But now I realize he's one of them.

Not only that, he's their leader.

Tonight, it's the vote to determine the first guest evicted from the Big Brother

house. Will it be Allison or Jimmy?

Later, we'll go live for the decision. But first, let's see what happened

earlier today.

Allison, relax.

You're just a decoy.

Jimmy's the one I want out of here.

Everybody loves Jimmy.

No one's going to vote him out. That's why he has to go.

He's too much of a threat.

So I set him up.

I stole a pair of Lisa's underwear.

I told everyone that Jimmy took them and that he's wearing them.

No, girl, I am.

this jimmy's getting double crossed they're gonna vote him out no no no

can't come home this is working this is working for all of us where

are you going i only have 45 minutes until they vote i've got to figure a way

keep him in damn you marcella you've only lived with him for three days try

three and a half years

I need to see your ID badge.

Oh, here you go.

Nice photo, but this badge is not for this lot.

Yeah, but it's good for that lot.

This is a lot, too, so wouldn't it be good for this one also?

Sir, this isn't Blockbuster. I need a badge for this lot.

Thank you. Thanks a lot.

37, take seven.

Whoa, whoa.

Who's that guy on camera three?

Security, we got a problem in here.

And now we go live to the Big Brother house where we're about to have the

eviction vote. Jimmy and Allison are about to make their final pleas to

their housemates not to evict them.

I think you guys have all gotten to know me pretty well over the last week. And

I really think that you should vote for whoever you think deserves to be kicked

out. Just remember, there's four seasons of The Flintstones you haven't heard

yet.

Hi, Jimmy.

Hi, Julie.

Nice to meet you. Come on in.

Have a seat.

I'm Julie. Nice to meet you, please.

I'm so comfortable.

Well, here's a big brother first. A player disqualified because his brother

-law broke into the house.

Well, I had no choice. Marcellus was stabbing him in the back. Greg,

and I were working together. We were trying to give Allison a false sense of

security. Oh, come on.

Take a look.

I stole a pair of Lisa's underwear.

I told everyone that Jimmy took them and that he's wearing them.

Is he? No, girl, I am.

Marcellus, you're a genius.

So you think she bought it?

Oh, yeah.

She's such an idiot.

Who would believe that we're going to get rid of Jimmy? I know. He's great.

I almost hope he wins instead of me.

Well, sweetheart, you're never going to win.

Everybody hates you.

Yeah,

everything was going the way I planned until Greg showed up.

Well, Jimmy, it looks like your brother -in -law may have cost you a half

million dollars. You must be pretty upset.

Well, you know, I could be negative about this, Julie, but I try to think

positive.

You may see the Big Brother house as being a little more empty, but I really

just see my brother -in -law's guest house as being full for a long, long

Jimmy, before you go, some of your fellow house guests recorded a special

message for you in the event of your eviction tonight.

Let's take a look.

Too bad you got kicked out, bro.

Could have made a great alliance.

I even came up with some nicknames for it.

The dynamic duo.

The dream twosome.

I'm never going to forget the way you looked in that whipped cream bikini.

No matter how hard I try.

The two needles.

Ivory and Ivory. Hey, I heard what you said about my ad.

Thanks. I heard what you said about my app.

Thanks.

J Squared.

J &J Music Factory.

Two -man group.

They're all kind of stupid, but I ain't nothing else to do in this house.

Got like 500 of these.

Goodbye, Jimmy.

I'm going to miss our long talks at night.

Staying up together and watching the sun rise.

And that public bath we took.

We were just playing the game, Christine.

Just playing the game, Julie.