Original subtitles

Hey, Jimmy, you ready? Hey, Billy, man, you look good. Yeah, Billy, is that a

new shirt?

Yep, left the cardboard in the collar.

Keeps it nice and crisp, you know, plus it works like a neck brace because I

think I sprained something trying to close my top button.

What are you guys up to?

Billy's car is in the shop, so I'm taking him down to the Ramada. He signed

for five -minute speed dating. What's five -minute speed dating? Oh, it's this

matchmaking thing where you spend five minutes each talking to a bunch of

different women, and then at the end of the night, you write down the people

that you're interested in.

You ready to go, dude?

Yeah, hey, thanks for driving, man. Well, now you ought to have to take the

and the last guy that scored with the lady stepping off the bus was Keith

Partridge.

Speed dating, instant messaging, one -hour photo. What's the hurry?

I mean, you ever notice that everyone is in such a rush these days?

Hey, who woke up Andy Rooney?

What are you talking about, man? Look at all these women.

I know. That's why I'm so nervous. Look at me. I'm sweating so much, my

cardboard's getting soggy. Okay, buddy.

Okay?

Now, you can handle this, okay? Just don't look at it as 30 dates. It's only

five minutes with each girl. That's worse. The first five minutes of the

the hardest part.

Okay, think of it this way. It's also the last five minutes of each date.

even worse. The first five minutes of the date, they're thinking, how bad can

be? The last five, they know.

I just wish I didn't have to go in there alone.

Okay, but look, you came all the way down here. What do you want me to do?

want me to go in there with you? I'll go in there with you.

Really? Yeah, let me just call Christine. I'll tell her I'll be late.

Hey, Christine, it's me.

Hey, what's up?

Yeah, listen, Billy's kind of nervous, so I'm just going to stay. I'm going to

do speed dating with him. What?

I don't want you down there flirting with a bunch of women.

Look, Christine, if I don't stay, Billy's going to leave.

Okay, and if he doesn't find a girl, he's just going to go home and fantasize

about one like he does every night.

Well, that's not my problem.

Christine, the girl is you.

Go, go, go, go.

All right, I'm in, man.

Oh, thanks, Jimmy.

Hey, maybe you can go ahead of me in the rotation. That way, if you're talking

to a girl in front of me, you can say something like, you saw me in the shower

and it made you feel like less of a man.

So you want me to lie? Please.

Well, uh... Originally, I'm from Baltimore. That's halfway between

.C. and Philadelphia.

Actually, it's closer to D .C.

It's about 40 miles from D .C.

It's about 80 miles from Philadelphia.

I don't know why I said halfway.

Philadelphia is actually in another state.

So is Washington, D .C. Actually, Washington, D .C. isn't a state, it's a

district.

Oh, geez, you didn't even get a chance to talk. Quick, say something.

Goodbye.

I'm Kelly. Hi, Kelly. I'm Billy.

Hey, our names almost rhyme. Well, if you were Killy and I was Belly, that

be stupid because there really aren't such names.

Ding!

Hey, this is fun, isn't it?

A little nerve -wracking.

Aren't you nervous?

Yeah, what does it matter? You like me or don't like me. What's the difference?

You're amazing.

I mean, half the guys in here are nervous, spouting out these lies to

me. Well, you know what? I am who I am, sweetheart.

You know? I work as a security guard, I drive a beat -up old car, and I spend my

weekends drinking beer and listening to my old Whitesnake albums.

Oh, my God, Whitesnake? Yeah. I love Whitesnake.

It was really great meeting you. Hey, it was nice meeting you.

Here I go again on my own.

Going down the only road... I've ever known Like a drifter I was born to

walk alone What's up?

Hey, how'd it go?

Oh, fantastic. It's the greatest invention ever.

What, speed dating?

No, a little bell that makes women stop talking.

Is it okay if I use your computer? I want to check my scores.

Sure. What scores?

At the end of the night, you write down which people you're interested in seeing

again, and then all the info is posted online.

Well, that's a nice way to do it. When I was dating, I could never reject a guy

in person.

Yeah, as I remember, that's the only reason you had a second date with Greg.

And when you called to let him down easy, his mother answered.

Actually, I had a feeling she was going to do that, so that wasn't my mother, it

was me.

No, it wasn't.

Hello?

Kim, I'm sorry. Greg's cleaning in the garage.

What? It all worked out for the best.

Hey, so, Billy, how'd you do?

Three. Three women voted yes.

Out of 30?

Well, don't take it too hard, Billy. I mean, it could have been worse.

Are you kidding me? That's fantastic.

The last time three women were interested in me, they were hitchhiking

Melissa Etheridge concert.

I got some calls to make.

All right. Hey, you want to ride home?

Nah. I'll walk it.

I'll see you tomorrow, Jimmy. And, Christine, I'd say I'll see you in my

but you've got the night off.

Hey, Jimmy, let's check your results.

Let's see if my man is a P -I -M -P.

I think your husband's more like a C -H -I -M -P.

Oh, my God, Jimmy.

24 women want to see you again.

He's dead.

80 %?

Wow.

Jimmy.

Man, if he got 80%, just imagine what Iowa's got. Hey, don't beat yourself up,

Greg. I'm sure you would have gotten a few.

No, I mean I would have gotten more than you.

Hey, Greg happens to be very appealing to women. In fact, if we weren't

I'm sure he could get any woman he wanted.

Stop laughing. Stop laughing. Sorry, Greg, but do you really think you would

have done better than me?

Of course I would. Greg, you know, this is picking up women, not long divisions.

Please, I'm much more appealing than Jimmy. I've got a good job. I'm smarter.

I don't scratch my ass with my car keys.

Yeah, but Jimmy's cute.

Oh, you're saying Greg's not cute?

No, you know what? They're both cute. I mean, Jimmy's cute like a big floppy

mutt. And Greg's more like one of those small hairless cats.

Yeah, Jim is adorable to a bunch of women who have to go to speed dating.

Oh, what? You don't think I'm a good catch?

No, but I'm not a lonely, desperate woman down at the Ramada Inn whose

biological clock is down to the two -minute warning.

Okay, look, Greg, you have a great job.

You got a great car. You got this big house. And on paper, you look great. But

when it comes to actually picking up women, I...

I'm always going to do better than you. Oh, please.

I'm serious, Greg. I think if it came down to the two of us, I would always

the girl and you would always end up going home alone.

Okay. You keep telling me. I don't have to. My

numbers speak for themselves.

Come on, Christine.

I would like to take you out back and give you what 80 % of the women I met

tonight can only dream of.

You are a very desirable man.

Don't you listen to him? Listen to him? I'm not going to give it another

thought. I would like to sign up for speed dating.

Are you sure?

Yeah, what? You don't think women would go for me? I'm a hard -working, honest

guy.

That's great.

But before you tell 30 women how honest you are, you might want to take off your

wedding ring.

Thank you.

As an executive, I love having women in the workplace.

Women are analytical, they're calm in a crisis, and their maternal instincts

make it more natural for them to multitask.

Wow. Most guys aren't so insightful.

Well, actually, I read that in Cosmo.

You read Cosmo? Not by choice. Every month I get at least one article shoved

down my throat by my wife.

By my white mailman.

Yeah, on the weekends we have a white mailman.

During the week it's usually an Asian fellow.

Oh, okay, Greg W.

Ask for me by name.

Julie, don't worry about it. I mean, you're going to find someone.

Remember, the altar is not a finish line.

It's more of a starting gate.

And believe you me, that's where the real work begins.

Wow. You're so sensitive. In fact... Oh, sorry. Time's up.

Everyone gets a turn here.

Hey, I don't make the rules. Okay, ladies, who's next?

Kim, we were right. I went to speed dating and the women loved me.

What?

You went to speed dating?

Yes, and I was on fire down there.

I can't believe you did this.

What?

cheated on me. I wasn't cheating. I mean, how much could I have done? I only

gave each of them five minutes.

More than I get some nights.

Well, you shouldn't move around so much.

I mean, when I say be still, I mean be still.

Why are you so mad? Jimmy did it.

Jimmy was down there helping out a friend. He didn't sneak off to speed

without telling Christine.

In a shirt, his wife told him was sexy.

Again, you were right.

You went to speed dating?

Why? To prove I could do better than you. And let me tell you something,

Those chicks dig me. Tonight, each of those women got five quality minutes

a real man.

Real man?

Obviously, they haven't seen the tears in your eyes when you try to hold an

Altoid in your mouth for more than five seconds.

They're curiously strong.

Stop making fun of my husband, okay?

Those women at speed dating must have been climbing all over themselves to get

to him.

He happens to be the greatest, sweetest guy ever to walk into one of those

things. Thank you, honey. You're the best. How many times do you say that

tonight, you two -timing bastard?

Hey, if you think you did so great, let's see what you got. Come on, man.

check out the scoreboard.

Fine, fine. Let's do it.

You really think that shirt is sexy?

Yes, I bought it for him.

Did you buy it in the men's department?

Oh, here it is. I got 21.

21? Greg, that's only 70%. What the hell are you doing down there?

It's okay, Greg.

70 is a passing grade.

Yeah, it's better than a D.

Of course, it's not 80%, which is a B, which rhymes with C, which stands for

cute.

Well, it's obvious what happened here. I went on a Monday. You went closer to a

weekend. On a Friday, a lonely woman would say yes to a monkey with kind eyes

and good teeth.

Oh, Greg, will you come on? Women will always pick me over you.

I don't know, Jimmy. I think Greg's right.

Kim, I think I would have remembered if there was a monkey at my session.

No, I meant that you met different women. You can't hold your score over

Aha, that's right. It's different women, so the result's being nothing.

Absolutely nothing.

Wait a second, wait a second.

This woman was at both of them. Catherine G. from Rancho Cucamonga. I

her from your list. Yes. Oh, and it looks like she gave you a no vote.

she gave old Jimbo the big thumbs up.

Well, it's obvious that she's a loser. Why would she go back a second time? The

same reason people flock to Graceland, the last place they saw the king.

Hey, you were only with these women for five minutes.

That's not enough time for a woman to understand a complex person like Greg.

Yeah, she's right. I mean, anyone likes you for the first five minutes.

Hell, I liked you up until the twelfth minute when you sneezed into your hand

and said, dude, check this out.

do you care anyway? I mean, you married well.

I mean, I was really hammered, but I know the wedding happened because I was

all the pictures.

Yeah, you know, I don't know what you're getting so upset about. You're the one

who turned this whole thing into a competition and you're just gonna have

face it, Greg.

The ladies love cool Jimmy.

I can't believe he beat me. How could he beat me?

Oh, I do remember in high school he used to get a lot of girls.

Yeah, but that was high school. It's supposed to be different now.

You know, I remember kids like Jimmy in high school.

He got all the dates, got all the girls, went to all the parties, had all the

fun.

I mean, the one thing that gave kids like me hope was knowing that one day it

might be different, you know, that one day I might be popular.

Do you understand what I'm saying?

Well, not really. I was kind of in that first group you were talking about.

Okay, Mr. Staff.

I'm starting the nitrous oxide, so just breathe normally.

Catherine? Catherine G. from Rancho Cucamonga?

Greg?

Greg W. from Century City?

What are you doing here?

I need to ask you a few questions.

Well, I'm kind of busy. Well, look, this will just take a minute, okay?

I really need to know, how could you like Jimmy better than me?

Jimmy? Yeah, Jimmy. You met him a few days before you met me. You gave him a

vote, security guard, wore a baseball cap.

Oh, yeah, Jimmy.

Oh, he was nice.

Slightly crooked by cuspids, but he was cute.

Yeah, yeah, he was cute. Everybody loves Jimmy.

Look, that's why I had to come back to see you. I don't think that five minutes

was enough time to really get to know me, and I'm certain that... What's up

this one?

Hang on a second.

Mr. Staff, you're in a dentist's office. You're not running.

Greg, the truth is...

I really like you.

You do?

In two sessions, I met 60 men at speed dating. And of all of them, I thought

were by far the best.

Well, if you felt that way, why didn't you want to see me again?

This is a little embarrassing, but I felt like you were out of my league.

You see, I'm just a dental hygienist with a simple, ordinary life. Oh, I'm

sorry. Could you go back and say that part over?

You thought I was what?

Out of my league?

Out of your league?

Come on. You're an executive.

You work at a studio. You have... Whoa.

We're just gonna give you a little break from the nitrous.

So, uh... I mean, is that why you picked Jimmy?

Yeah, I mean, you know, he's nice, and I'm realistic.

Jimmy's the kind of guy a girl like me usually winds up with.

So you would settle for a guy like him?

Well, yeah, but, I mean, apparently I'm not going to have to.

Excuse me?

I can't believe you're here.

Look, this is my last appointment.

Do you want to go to dinner afterwards?

There's an Applebee's right across the parking lot.

Oh, my God, what am I saying? You came all this way to see me.

Let's splurge.

Let's go to Outback.

Hey, Christine.

Check it out.

Nice, Jimmy. Yeah, whoever said you can't find anything good at the 99 -cent

store obviously wasn't looking hard enough.

Where's Greg? I gotta show him this.

Jimmy, don't you think you've tortured Greg enough with this?

Well, I'm just enjoying my victory.

Yeah, but you're hurting his feelings.

Look, sweetie, we all know you're cute. But if you want to keep my vote, stop

being such a jerk about it. Hot stuff. Ow.

Well, there he is, Mr.

80%. Hey, Greg, listen.

I got something I want to tell you.

Oh, really? Well, as it turns out, I have something I want to tell you. Okay,

but listen, just about the speed dating.

I just wanted to apologize.

Apologize? Yeah, I just think, you know, I got all pumped up about it and

started acting like such an idiot.

That's not very cool, especially to do that to a guy who's done so much for us,

you know.

Yes, the truth is I've always been a little jealous of you.

It's like we've both been blessed with great wives and great kids, but you've

got brains and you've got a better car and you've got a great career and you've

got this amazing house.

It's kind of sad, but compared to that, the only thing I have over you is me

getting the girl.

So I'm sorry.

Well, I didn't know how important it was for you to have this one thing over me.

It's all I got.

Well, you got nothing.

Huh? You lose, pal. You know why? Catherine G. gave me a no vote, and she

and I quote her, that I was out of her league.

Out of her league? Yep, that's what she told me. I went to see her, and she

wanted to take me to Outback, and then I told her I was married, so she chased

me into the parking lot with one of those cavity picker checker poker

Wait, she said to you that you were out of her league?

Not only that, but she told me you're the kind of guy that she would have to

settle for.

She said that? Yeah, she said that. So you got nothing.

Zippo, zilch, the center of a donut, nada. You got nothing.

Wrong. I get the girl.

That's because I'm out of her league.

Hey, so what?

So what? All I know is, if we were out there in the dating world right now, you

would be going home alone, and I would be watching the sun rise over Rancho

Cucamonga.

Because she would be settling for you. Well, even better, okay? I not only get

the girl, I also get a girl who's out of my league. I win!

You got nothing!

Well, damn it, this is my... It's my turn to win. No, no, no. Sorry, pal.

It's like I said before. No matter what happens, if we're out there trying to

pick up women, you will end up alone and I will always get the girl. And you

know why?

Because I am hot stuff.

Someone attracted the gloat.

He is cute. By God, he is cute.

I am so happy I met you.

After I had such a bad experience, I wasn't even going to go back to speed

dating. But thank God I did.

You are so cute.

And you've got great teeth.

Trust me, I'm a professional.

Listen, this isn't like a big deal or anything, but if you don't like your

dessert... Could you maybe not throw your feces at the waiter this time?

Or not. You know, I mean, whatever.

It was just a question.

Why do I always have to screw up a good thing?

Why? Why?