Original subtitles

One, two, three! You got a wife to keep in love with you!

Yeah, yeah, yeah! You're standing on the poker for the dude!

Yeah, yeah, yeah! You're gonna live your life the best you can!

Yeah, yeah, yeah! See your family, who's up to plan?

Yeah, yeah, yeah!

We're family, family, family!

Yeah, yeah, yeah! Family, family, family, yeah!

Yeah!

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah!

Still, Greg, any, uh... Special reason your parents are coming out? No, just to

see everyone. I mean, now that my dad's retired, he can visit as often as he

wants. Yeah, and Greg's mom can come, too.

Which is great, because being constantly criticized over the phone can be so

cold and impersonal.

Man, I envy your dad. No job, no responsibilities, nothing to do all day.

Yeah, retirement, or as you like to call it, 1992 through 1999.

Must be so weird to retire, you know? I mean...

You go to work every day for 40 years and then all of a sudden you got nothing

to do.

Yeah, but a lot of people's lives don't really begin until after they retire.

Grandma Moses didn't start painting until she was almost 80.

And the guy who started McDonald's was in his 50s. I heard Schaefer didn't

The Great Gatsby until he was 90.

Jimmy, almost every word in that sentence is wrong.

I wonder what my dad's going to do with himself.

You could travel the world, uncover some hidden talent, maybe do some volunteer

work. The possibilities are endless.

Comic books. Your father is collecting comic books.

What? He's lost his mind.

Ever since he retired, that's all he does is spend all of his money on comic

books.

Kids' comic books?

Or those Japanese porno comic books like Overfiend where women are taken against

their will by monsters?

Sorry, the dentist's office.

No, just regular old comic books.

Superman, mostly.

It's embarrassing.

And he doesn't just read them. He hangs out at the comic book store. He goes to

conventions. That's why we had to come out here this week, because apparently

there's some big convention in San Diego.

San Diego?

Oh, that's far away.

Will you be going to the convention, too?

Oh, of course not.

Why would I drive two hours each way to San Diego just to watch my husband make

a fool of himself at a comic book convention?

You know, the zoo is nice.

Oh, hey, Greg.

Hey, I heard you have a new hobby, comic books, huh?

Oh, yeah, yeah, well, what can I say? They're kind of fun.

And you know something?

They are really relatable.

They say more about life than you'd ever imagine. Yeah, I guess. When I was in

junior high, I used to like Archie and Jughead.

Archie and Jughead.

Greg, that's for dorks.

Action Comics, number 23.

Oh, yeah, that's a beauty.

That's the first appearance of Superman's archenemy, Lex Luthor.

Don't open it. No, no, no, no. No, see, I keep some of them wrapped in plastic

so they hold a value.

Value? It says 10 cents on the cover. How much is it worth now?

$925.

$925? Oh, my God, this is worth more than Jimmy.

Best part of that is, you know what?

They really hold their value. It goes up every year about 15%. I'm telling you,

these are a pretty good investment.

Wow, Dad, seems like you really know what you're doing. Well, I feel you

shouldn't just enjoy a hobby. I mean, you should have some intelligence about

it, you know, which reminds me, you really should find a safer spot to hide

Japanese porn.

Did you talk to your father? Did you tell him he's crazy? Yeah, I talked to

but I gotta tell you, Mom, I think you're overreacting. Dad is a mature man

takes his hobby very seriously.

Okay, what do you want me to do?

Thanks for bringing me shopping, Kim. I really needed to get out of that house.

Oh, sure.

Traffic is bad, though.

Should have asked Tom to fly us here.

Well, aren't you handsome?

What a cute little boy.

She's a girl.

Excuse me?

She's a girl.

She's not a boy. She's a girl. Oh, I'm so sorry. I was just going by the way

was dressed.

Well, you can't blame her.

I mean, Emily is dressed like a little boy. Well, those are Sammy's hand -me

-downs. She has a few dresses, but she lives in a house with three boys, and

she's always playing in the dirt with them.

Now, this is just easier.

Well, when it comes to your children, whatever's easy.

I think so.

Sorry, door's closing. I'll meet you at the door. Are you

wearing a pink tie -dye?

It was white. We had a laundry mishap.

Superman might fly, but his cape runs.

My dad is so wrapped up in this whole comic book thing. What am I going to do

about this?

Well, has he always liked comics?

No. Mom said one day, a few weeks after he retired, he was just flipping through

the channels and landed on Superman the movie. The next day, he started

collecting comic books.

Too bad he didn't land on that Ronco wrote history commercial.

We'd be having this conversation while enjoying golden brown chicken with 30 %

less fat.

The problem is he's never had anything but work. You know, he's never had any

hobbies.

Maybe we could get him interested in other things, you know, take him out and

show him that there's better ways to spend his time than collecting comic

I don't know, Craig. I don't know what the big deal is.

Okay, what do you want me to do?

didn't need to bring me golfing. You know, really, I never even played this

game. Well, maybe in time you might really like it.

Maybe. You know, I played miniature golf, but I'm sure this is going to be a

different. Boy, I bet the windmill out here is huge.

All right, Dad.

Now, remember, keep your head down, concentrate on the ball, nice, easy

All right.

Boy, this is kind of heavy, isn't it? Well, that's a driver. That's what you

to tee off.

Oh.

It just doesn't feel comfortable.

Could I have a putter?

Dad, the hole is 400 yards away. You can't use a putter.

There you go.

Great, great. Now we're talking.

Okay, why don't you guys grab the cart? I can walk to this one.

Good job, Dad.

Okay,

I had a four.

Greg, you had a five, right? And Tom, I lost count. Was that a 76 or 77?

today.

They're girls' overalls. Look at the pattern. It's covered in flowers.

Flowered overalls. They must be made by Oshkosh Bagosh. She's a lesbian.

She's criticizing how I dress my kids.

Her husband's running around here in tights and she dresses like a nun on her

day off.

Look, if she doesn't like the way you dress Emily, give her the job.

What do you mean?

Let her take Emily shopping and buy her whatever she wants. I mean, if she buys

it, she can't complain about it.

Yeah. I guess when she leaves, I can go back to dressing her the way I want.

If Jimmy's mom ever complained about the clothes I buy for the kids, let her

dress them any way she wants.

Of course, it might be kind of hard for her. I don't even think Marlboro makes

kid sizes.

Hey, Dad, have you ever tried assembling model cars?

A guy who retired from my work does it, and he loves it. Oh, yeah? Yeah.

I used to like building those little models when I was a kid.

You know, eventually, you have to put aside all the childish things of your

youth.

Oh, uh, anybody want to read my new plastic man?

Tom, go ahead and sit down. Maybe you will pick up a new hobby.

Oh, yeah.

Relax, relax. I'm taking care of it. Relax.

Greg, do you know who Mr.

Mixlepix is?

No. Well, I do.

And I shouldn't. I shouldn't know these things, Greg.

Hey, Tom, we got an extra kit and some instructions for you right there, man.

jump in. Uh -huh.

Hey, Dad, pass me the glue.

Yeah.

to wear some girlier clothes, why don't you take her shopping tomorrow?

Really? Yes, absolutely.

Oh, that's so nice. Thank you.

And maybe when we get back, if there's still time, I could take you shopping,

too.

Buy you some clothes that cover you up a little bit.

You're married. You're not going out to clubs and showing off your goodies

anymore.

This is fun, huh, Dad?

Mm -hmm. Oh, yeah.

It's glue -drying her, isn't it?

You mean what you... Oh, look at that.

Wow, look how high up our plane is. And I can make it loop and dive and spin.

This is fun, isn't it? Uh -huh. I can see why a lot of people pick this as

hobby. You want to try it, Dad?

I don't think so.

Ah, come on, Tom. Just try it once.

Yeah, all right.

help me with my dad. Hey, you don't have to thank me. I think watching a 65

-year -old man fly a small plane into his onions is reward enough.

You need some more

ice, Dad?

Uh, no, no, no.

Most of the blinding pain's gone now.

I bet these are gonna hurt like a mother when they thaw out.

You know, I was thinking maybe tomorrow we would try planting orchids. Maybe you

could take up gardening as a new hobby.

I don't think so. Sounds kind of lame.

Lame? Sounds kind of lame? I'll tell you what sounds kind of lame. A 65 -year

-old man wasting all of his time reading the funnies.

Well, see? You just don't understand.

Comics are an American art form.

Anyway, why don't you come to the convention with me tomorrow? Maybe

understand. No, no, no, no.

No, no, no, no, no.

Sure, you don't have any time for me and my interests, but I'll tell you

something. When you were growing up, I was always there for you.

Even though I had to watch you strike out time and time again.

I didn't play baseball.

I'm talking about when I chaperoned school dances.

Sorry, Dad, I just don't want to go.

Fine, fine, sure, but I'll tell you something.

If you found something of interest, I'd be there for you, even if it was just to

see you have a good time.

Oh, fine, I'll go. Maybe I was wrong. Maybe it won't be as weird as I think it

is. Oh, great. Well, Kralobon Lockley.

What?

Well, that's Kryptonian for thank you.

Boy, is this great or what, huh?

You got 300 book dealers here.

live performances, and a film festival.

I don't get it. Why do so many grown people want to dress up like they're in

comics? Are you kidding?

It's fun to pretend you're a superhero.

You know something? Last week at the house, we blew a fuse, and I couldn't

figure out how to fix the thing, so I thought to myself, how would the

superheroes handle it? You know, like the Green Lantern could light its way,

Superman could use his X -ray eyes, and Spider -Man could spin a web around your

mother's mouth and keep it shut until the electrician got there.

Hey, thanks for coming with me so I don't have to be the only normal person

here. Oh, no problem. This is going to be great. There's nothing funnier than

getting crazy people talking.

Hey, watch this. Excuse me.

Yes, sir. Are you a robot?

Actually, I'm a cyborg. I'm part man, part machine. While my human side

my actions and emotions, my machine side, powered by its red jet pack,

me to travel at light speed throughout the universe.

So, do you live with your mother or your grandmother?

Both.

It's almost 12 o 'clock.

I'm supposed to meet my Internet buddies here. What Internet buddies?

Tom?

It's me, Justin.

Justin! Whoa!

Hey, how are you?

Gosh, great to finally meet you.

This is my son, Greg.

Where's your costume?

Oh, no, no costume for me. I'm just a regular old human.

How about we pretend you're Jimmy Olsen?

How about we don't?

So, Tom, we signed up for Masquerade. Oh, great, great.

What's Masquerade? It's a costume show in the auditorium, and we get 90 seconds

on stage to do anything we want. Oh, dear God.

Hey, guys, guys, this is Ernie and J .W. Hey, why don't you go ahead and why

don't you tell them what you told me?

Another revolution is coming, and there shall never be peace on this or any

other planet until apes and men, men and apes, learn to live together.

I love it here. I love it.

Hey, hey, Spock, hold up.

Hi, everybody. We're home.

Wow, look at you.

Oh, yes, and this is nothing. I bought her so many adorable little dresses.

Oh, and this is for you. I got you some more conservative tops.

This is your home, sweetheart. It's not the only saloon in a mining town on

payday.

Superman, I thought you might come.

That's why I brought this.

Good night.

Superman's only weakness.

Oh, no.

Looks like the only place you'll be bothering people, Lex, is Metropolis

Jail.

Hey, looks like your dad saved the day. I wish I was dead.

Let's go. Let's get out of here.

That's it. I've had it. I'm ready to go home.

What's wrong?

I've had it. I've had it with the costumes.

The comic books and plastics.

You'd be in a Super Friends pageant with fifth graders. I can't take it anymore,

Dad.

But I like it. But why do you choose to spend your time like this? Why in the

world does a 65 -year -old man want to dress up like Superman?

Because I can relate to him. You can relate to Superman.

Dad, you have to take three Xanaxes before you can fly. You need Mom's help

get open a jar of pickles.

I can just relate to him, okay?

How?

Because... Because we're both adopted.

You're adopted? You never told me that.

I know.

No, I didn't want to talk about it. I just want to pretend it never happened.

Well, that's crazy. I mean, it's healthy to talk about that stuff. If it

happened, you have to talk about it. Yeah?

The way you talk about that ice cream man that took off his shirt and made you

wrestle him? Stop talking about that. That never happened.

It wasn't until I saw Superman the movie that I realized that Superman was also

adopted. Yeah, I remember, by that old couple.

Mom, Pop, Kent, they have names, Greg.

You see, Superman was born on a planet that was doomed, and his parents saved

him by sending him to Earth.

Okay.

I always wondered how my birth parents could let me go.

Then after I saw the movie, I realized they couldn't take care of me, so they

just... Put me in a place where I'd be safe.

Wow. Yeah.

I'd do the same with you.

If you were in danger, boy, I'd make sure that you were safe.

Even if it meant giving you up and sending you to another planet.

I don't know what to say.

Yeah, well, maybe you could say that you don't think your dad's so crazy.

Well... I did see you just punch out a 12 -year -old wearing pajamas.

I had a ball doing this, you know.

See, when I first retired, I was scared to death. I didn't know what the hell I

was going to do. And then all of a sudden, I stumbled on this.

Well, there's some fun people here. There really are.

But if you want to go home, I'll go with you.

I think I want to stay.

Excuse me, is your husband finished with his dinner?

Oh, I'm not sure. He just went to the restroom, so you better leave it.