Original subtitles

Hey. Are those my blue corn chips?

Yep.

But I hid those in the laundry room.

Yeah, they were in the cupboard behind all the detergents and stuff.

What made you look in there?

Just had a feeling.

I'm sick of this. You sleep in my house, you eat my food. Oh, come on. Look,

I've never done anything for you. What have you ever done for me?

Nothing. Forget it. Yeah, just like I thought.

From now on, stop using my stuff.

You wouldn't even be married to your wife if it wasn't for me.

What? You heard me.

What are you talking about?

I can't tell you. Why not?

I swore to Kim I wouldn't. Yeah, but you also swore to Kim that you didn't eat

the top of our wedding cake out of the freezer, which I would have believed

until I heard you screaming in the bathroom while you were passing the

Sit down.

Let me tell you a little story.

What if they put cheese in the crust?

What? You know, so when you bite into the crust, there's cheese in there. They

could stuff it in there. Well, how are they going to stuff it in there? With,

like, a stick?

That's stupid, anyway. Crust is crust.

Yeah, you're probably right.

Guy can dream, though.

Hey, Christine.

Still the hottest waitress down at the Howard Johnsons?

Well, I hope so. Everyone else is over 60.

I think I'm the only one who wasn't actually hired by Howard Johnson.

Hey, Christine.

How's your sister?

You've got her number at college. Call her.

I'm not going to call her.

She wants to know what I'm doing.

She can call me.

Seriously, when's she coming to visit, though?

Maybe Christmas.

I've got to deliver this pizza. It's going to be late.

Oh, yeah. Mine, too. We'd better get going so we can avoid the Noid.

Hey, I sit in the car for eight hours delivering pizza. I'm just trying to

the roid.

Um, Kim called today, and, uh, she's going to Holliday's concert this

and she wanted to know if she could stay here, and I said it was fine.

Why didn't you just tell Brian?

Because she's bringing a guy with her. Oh, man, Brian is going to flip. No,

not, because you're not going to tell him.

Christine, she's one of my best friends, and he keeps asking about her. Well,

then he shouldn't have said this to the other people when she went away to

college. Oh, come on. He didn't really mean that. He only said that because

girl from the cherry pie video was showing up at the boat show. He wanted

keep his options open.

Who was this guy she's bringing anyway? I don't know. Some guy she just started

seeing. She says I met him at a frat party, but I don't remember.

It must have been sometime after they wheeled in that machine that made the

tequila snow cone.

Why can't they stay at a Motel 6?

Because, Jimmy, they're in college. They don't have any money.

Oh, great.

So I'm going to have this guy here all weekend mooching off me, sitting on my

couch, eating all my food.

There's got to be a way to get cheese in here.

You're giving them our electric... Blanket? Our room is freezing at night.

worry, honey. We'll keep each other warm.

Oh, yeah, like you're going to want to do anything with your sister out here.

You'll be embarrassed about them hearing all the screaming and moaning.

Well, if you'd promised to keep it down.

I can't. I've tried.

You better be nice to this guy.

Why? I want Kim and Brian to be together.

It's not about what you want. It's about what Kim wants.

Well, no, no. You two are sisters, okay? And I'm going to be stuck hanging out

with whoever she ends up with.

Jimmy, you're going to see the guy once in a while at holidays, all right?

I mean, it's not like we're all going to move in together.

Okay,

listen, I just fixed the toilet seat, so don't stand up too fast. You might lose

a little cheek on the duct tape.

Oh, where's Greg?

Oh, he's parking the car.

I don't know what she's doing.

Okay, Greg can't possibly be better than Brian. Brian is good -looking, he's

cool, he's got the fastest IROG Z in town.

I mean, you don't know this guy, okay? I mean, Greg could be good -looking and

cool, too.

Hey, you must be Gigi and Christine. I'm Greg.

Well, maybe he has a hot car.

Hey, you think my mom's little car is hot safe out front?

Christine, thanks for having us.

I can't believe you guys moved out of Mom and Dad's basement. I thought you

a maid there.

Oh, yeah, I came with a free meal every night, but it also came with questions

from your dad like, Hey, what do you like better, Jimmy, the potatoes or

sex with my unmarried daughter?

You know, Jimmy, he had to think about it.

Hey, you cover your body in bacon bits and sour cream, maybe I wouldn't have to

think so hard.

Hey, I'm going to go look out your back window. If anything happens to my mom's

la car, it will be my la butt.

Hi, Ken.

Brian, what are you doing here?

I came to see you. You said you were going to keep your mouth shut. Well, I

didn't have to say anything, okay? Brian and I, we have been close for so long,

we're like those psychic twins you hear about.

It's like, you know, the other one gets hurt, the other one feels the pain.

Idiot.

Ow.

See?

Brian, I can't do this right now. You have to leave. I'm here with... I'm here

with a friend. A friend, huh?

Is your friend a girl?

Almost.

Ow.

It's a guy, okay? I'm here with a guy.

Yeah, I know. Jimmy told me. He said you're here with some geek.

He's not a geek.

Hey, do you guys have an iron? I'm going to press our Hall & Oates t -shirts. I

think we have a better chance of Daryl Hall pointing at us if we look crisp.

Hey, how you doing?

Hey. Uh, Greg, this is Brian.

He's a friend of Jimmy's. Oh, nice to meet you, Greg. I'm Kim's boyfriend.

Oh, boyfriend, huh? Really?

Well, Kim didn't tell me she had a boyfriend.

Uh, come on, Greg. I'll get you that iron.

Um, just out of curiosity, have you ever shimmied down a drain pipe from a

second -story window?

Your boyfriend?

We've only been seeing each other for a couple of weeks. He's not my boyfriend.

What do you care anyway?

You were the one who said you wanted to see other people.

Yeah, but I've changed my mind.

I want it back the way it was.

You know, hanging out at the mall, going out to dinner, dry -hubbing under your

parents' ping -pong table.

Brian, please just leave.

If you really care about me, you leave me alone this weekend. We can talk about

this when I come home for Christmas.

My mother just gave me a message. I hurried over in case she needed help

this guy's ass.

Trust me, I'm not going to need your help.

In fact, to make it fair, I might let you help him.

Nobody's fighting anybody, okay?

Listen, Brian, you've got to think about this, okay? If you beat this guy up,

Kim's going to hate you for it. She'll never get back together with you.

Well, what the hell am I supposed to do, Jimmy? She won't even talk to me until

Christmas. Oh, man, that's too long.

She'll definitely be unwrapping his package before Christmas.

Shut up. You shut up. You shut up. You shut up.

Truce? Right.

Listen, guys, let me just take care of this, okay? I'll talk to the guy. See if

I can't scare him off.

I don't know. What would you say to him? I don't know.

Something.

Yeah.

Yeah, that's good.

Okay, listen, let me just take care of this, okay? You guys get out of here.

Come on, I'll tell my mom you're coming over for dinner.

Yeah, I already told her when I saw her last night.

Dude, that's a little harsh.

You kidding?

I wish it were true. If I could marry her off, I'd get the whole couch to

myself.

They messed up our phone order, so the buffalo wings are going to be a few more

minutes. You didn't get spicy, did you? Yeah, you want me to change it to mild?

No, it's okay. If they're too hot, I'll just rinse mine off in a colander.

So, you and Kim, huh?

Yeah, yeah, me and Kim.

You guys serious?

We've made out three times.

Really? Yeah, and this morning when I was helping her put on her seatbelt, The

back of my hand accidentally brushed up against her boobies.

Accidentally? Hey, that's my story, and I'm sticking to it.

Well, good for you, man.

I gotta tell you, I'm kind of surprised you got a girlfriend.

You're surprised? You should talk to my mother. She's so excited she sent out

our family Christmas letter in October.

No, no, no. I meant that, you know, I heard that UVA is such a big party

I just, I don't know why anyone would want to get tied down there. Oh, this is

my first real girlfriend.

I don't want to mess that up. You've never had a girlfriend?

No, not even in high school.

I mean, it's not easy being 17 and allergic to strawberry lip smacker.

Wow. Never had a girlfriend. Wow.

I think that explains why Kim chose you.

What do you mean?

Well, Kim left for college on kind of a mission.

She wants kids.

Really? Yeah.

She wants kids bad.

I mean, she's always talking about how she wants to find some desperate,

unsuspecting guy, get married as soon as possible, and then just start having

kids.

She's looking for a sperm donor with a future.

Really? I mean, that does explain a lot.

She probably picked me because she knew I'd hop at the chance to go out with a

pretty girl and basically do anything she wants me to.

Exactly. I don't believe this.

This is great.

Look, I don't think you're thinking this through, okay? With a wife and kids,

you don't have time for anything else.

Yeah, but I'll have this great family.

What else is there?

What else is there?

Are you serious?

Yeah.

Hey, Jimmy, when I get back to your place, do you think I can use the phone?

Sure. Good, because I'm going to use my call mom quarter on the jukebox.

You guys do one.

I told you, I got a plan.

Well, how's it going?

Oh, not so great. I made up a bunch of stuff about Kim wanting to have a kid

get married, and it seems to have had the opposite effect on her.

What an idiot, man. Who wants to be strapped down with a bunch of knot

brats?

I don't know, a guy's like a chick or something.

I know how to fix this.

You tell them that Kim likes to be slapped around a little.

What? Trust me, he does it once and it'll be history. Yeah, but first he'll

to hit Kim.

If you want to make an omelet, you've got to break a couple of eggs.

How about I break your eggs?

Jim, you sure you can handle this?

Trust me, Brian, okay, nobody wants to see you with Kim more than I do, but

Greg guy is so annoying.

He's constantly singing the wrong words to every song on the radio.

Like in The Land Down Under, he thinks they're saying Vegemite Sandwich, and

very clearly they're saying Dynamite Sumbitch.

All right, listen, I'll take care of this. I've just got to go to the

first. We'll be right back.

Man. I don't want to lose Kim to this guy. I'm going in. Sweet. Are we kicking

his ass? No, no. I'm just going to talk to him.

And Jimmy likes Kim too much to say something bad about her, so I'm going to

step it up a notch.

I'm not going to get physical yet.

I'm going to save that for your mom tonight.

Quit teasing me and deliver on that already.

Greg, right?

Yeah, you're Jimmy's friend, right?

Uh, Brian.

Yeah, Jimmy just went to the bathroom.

Oh.

Kim's a slut.

Excuse me? Yeah, I thought you just might want to know that Kim's a slut.

What is Brian doing?

He said he was going to take care of it himself.

Relax, relax.

He's just talking.

That's a lie.

No, it isn't.

Take it back.

No, I'm not taking it back, okay? She is a tramp.

You should probably stay away from her.

Take it back.

Uh, dude?

You better sit down.

You... You better take it back.

Uh, seriously.

Please sit down. I mean, I don't want to do this.

Take it back.

No. And come on. I mean, really.

Sit down.

What are you going to do?

Come on, man, let's go. No.

Take it back.

No, man, just get out of here. I don't want to fight you, okay? I just want to

warn you about your slutty little girlfriend.

Take it back.

No.

Come on, Greg, that's enough. Let's get out of here, okay? Get off me and stay

out of this or I'll take care of you next.

Okay, whatever, man.

Please, man, I don't want to do this. Stop trying to hit me.

Take it back.

No, you know, I'm just trying to help you out. You don't want to date a girl

like Kim. She's trash.

What is wrong with you?

Take it back.

Sorry, buddy.

She's a slut.

At least he gave up after I hurt him.

In a way, I guess you could say that I won the fight.

Yeah, I guess.

I just hope that's the last fight I win because somebody broke their toe on my

chin.

Look, if you don't mind, I'd rather not tell Kim what happened.

Why not?

She'll think I'm stupid for not just walking away.

Maybe we should say that... I got mugged when you went in to get food.

All right, fine. I just couldn't believe that guy kept calling her a slut over

and over, and he wouldn't take it back.

She's not a slut, is she?

God, what happened?

He got jumped outside Duncan's. Three guys. There were three guys.

Skinheads.

They had a pit bull.

Did they rob you?

Well, one of them had my wallet for a second, but I was able to push him down

before he got the Velcro open.

We should clean those cuts.

I'm fine.

Come to the bathroom. I'll put some Bactine on your face.

Well, if it'll make you girls feel better.

But I'm fine. I mean, it's not like I've never been in a fight before.

It's gonna sting, isn't it?

Kim, he'll be okay.

I know, I know.

Now, I was actually thinking about Brian.

Really?

Jimmy, I don't know what to do.

I mean, I thought Brian and I were over, and now he just shows up?

Look, I don't want to tell you what to do, but, you know, I always thought you

and Brian belonged together.

I just, I don't know if Brian wants the same things out of life that I do.

At some point, I want to settle down, get married, have kids.

I don't want to make somebody do those things with me. I want them to want to

those things with me.

But maybe Brian will change.

Or maybe I'm just setting my sights too high.

Maybe that's just the way all guys are.

Having a family is really important to you, huh?

What else is there?

That son of a bitch.

What? Him.

Greg.

He's perfect for you.

Greg?

I mean, I like him, but we've only been dating a couple of weeks. I hardly even

know him yet. I do.

You know this guy?

He's not my type, but he's exactly what you're looking for. You should give him

a chance.

Well, he seems nice, but all guys are nice at the beginning of a relationship.

Now, when the going gets a little rough, that's when you have to wonder if

they're going to hang in there or they're going to just run away.

Trust me. When it comes to you, this guy isn't going to run away from anything.

Thanks, Jimmy.

I'll think about it.

Hey, and thanks for letting us crash here this weekend.

If I ever have my own house and you need a place to stay for the night, you are

always welcome.

Thanks for saying that, but I don't really like staying in other people's

houses. You know, I just, uh... I just don't feel comfortable.

What's wrong with you?

I'm still thinking about that guy, Brian.

I mean, I know he was lying and all, but he still never did take back what he

said about Kim.

Greg, it was 14 years ago, man. Let it go.

If only I could, Jimmy.

If only I could.

Now you are ready.

Gregory's out.

What? Take it back.

No!

Can

I

help you, sir?

Ice, please.