Original subtitles

Mr. Savitsky, you called me?

Yeah, I want to. Come here.

Scratch my back.

Excuse me, sir? Scratch my back.

Down, down.

To the left.

Ah, you're chasing it all around. Never mind.

Stupid hairs are growing back in.

I had my back waxed when I got invited to a party at the Playboy Mansion.

Ah, hefty. frowns on body hair ever since Robin Williams went in the grotto

screwed up the filter.

Well, give me a buzz if you start itching again.

I didn't call you in here for that. Listen, there's a charity dinner

night. I always get stuck buying a table at these things.

My wife and I were wondering if maybe you and Kim would want to go with us.

Really, Mr. Savinsky, we'd be honored.

Well, don't get too excited. It's an incredibly boring evening.

Well, we're honored that you'd ask us to go with you. Well, don't be too

honored, Warner.

Everybody else said no.

Well, we're honored that you'd rather sit next to us than two empty chairs.

Well, actually, the charity frowns on any empty... We're just honored.

Fair enough, and thanks.

I just don't know how the hell I'm going to fill these four extra seats.

I can get four more people for you. Really? That's great.

Lisa is going to be so relieved because she thought we wouldn't be able to fill

the table.

I thought your wife's name was Judy.

Well, that was my last wife. We split up. Oh, I'm sorry. What happened?

I told you, I've been going to parties at the Playboy Mansion.

Pay attention, Warner.

Of course. I'm sorry, sir.

So, where did you and Lisa meet?

At the Playboy Mansion.

Good God, we're really in the same room here?

Hey, I brought you guys some groceries.

Wait a minute, you went to the grocery store again?

Well, let me guess, you still haven't built up the nerve to ask out that

cashier, have you?

It's hard. She's really beautiful.

Here, I'll show you a picture.

You took her picture?

Yeah, right off the wall.

I can't believe you stole that.

She wouldn't even have been employed a month if I hadn't filled out all those

customer cards.

I worked harder for this than she did.

Tim, don't make any plans for tomorrow night. You and I are going to help the

homeless. Oh, that's sweet. How about you take us out to dinner and a movie?

I said the homeless, not the useless.

Mr. Savitsky invited us to a charity dinner. We're sitting at his table.

Oh, Greg, do we have to go? Those things are so boring.

Yes, we have to go. Don't you realize how important this is?

You're right. We have a responsibility to support the homeless.

Oh, this isn't about the homeless.

I mean, yes, it is. I mean, the money goes to clothe people, feed people, keep

kids out of gangs, whatever.

We're sitting at Savitsky's table, and he's got a brand -new wife, and this is

our chance to get in good with her, you know, to help my career.

But you were always so worried about your career.

It could always be better.

I'm not asking for much. Just spend a little time together. Make her feel

special. Show her a good time for a little while.

You know, I'm telling you, this could mean a lot of money for me.

What are you, her husband or her pimp?

I'll do it.

A marriage is a partnership.

That means I have to get out there and shake my moneymaker. That's the job.

Thank you.

You've always been my best starter.

Who else is going with us?

I don't know. I promised Avicii I could fill four more seats, but I can't really

find anyone who wants to go yet, and I'm running out of time.

Don't ask us, because I'm not going to one of those boring things.

Who said I was going to ask you? I mean, trust me, the last thing I was going to

do is ask you, get over yourself.

Please.

Hey, I'll go.

I could take that girl from the grocery store.

I'm sorry, Billy, but Jimmy was about as deep into the desperate well as I was

going to dip on this.

Come on, I really like her. Besides, it's the perfect first date.

Classy and cheap.

It's either this or I've got to use my two -for -one coupon at the Outback

Steakhouse.

I was hoping to save that for myself.

I'll tell you what, Greg. You let Billy and his date go. Christine and I will

go, too. What do you think, Christine?

Sure, why not? It is for charity.

I mean, I was just going to give some old clothes to Goodwill, but if you guys

want me to get stinking drunk on apple martinis, I'll give till it hurts.

Hey, guys, check this out. We're doing it on the way over.

All right, Debbie, Kraft macaroni and cheese.

Eighty -nine cents a box.

Go ahead, Kim, give her a shot.

Um, six pack of Mott's apple juice boxes.

Do you have a clip card? Yeah, $2 .39.

Oh, hey, there's Mr. Stavitsky. That's his new wife? She's my age. Wow, she's

young. You're young. Talk about two people meant to be friends with each

Yeah, you've got a lot in common. You're both 30, you both speak English, and

you're both married to men you wouldn't have looked twice at in high school.

Hey, everyone, sorry we're late. Hi, Mr.

Stavitsky. I want you all to meet my lovely wife, Lisa. Hi, everybody. Hi,

This is Greg and Kim and Jimmy and his wife, Christine.

And I don't know your name, but you dropped the guard gate on my Jaguar last

week.

Billy, sir, and this is my date, Debbie. And sorry about the gate. Your windows

were tinted, and I thought you were Clint Eastwood. And let's just say

some history there.

Well, it's nice to meet you all. Excuse me, I'm going to go grab a white

Russian. Oh, my God, Cam, you love white Russians.

I do?

Yeah, of course you do. I've never heard you say nyet to a white Russian.

Yeah, white Russians.

Drink them all day long.

My kind of girl. So go, go, get yourself some drinks.

Thanks for having us, Mr. Smith.

Oh, I figured you'd hate me for it. I can't stand these dinners.

I mean, I'm more than happy to support the homeless, but I'd rather just send

a check or slip a banana out the window of my Jag when I come off the freeway.

So, uh, is all this stuff at the silent auction?

Yeah, you know, a bunch of companies donated things for people to bid on.

You know, a spa donated some shiatsu massages. Some place donated a car wash.

I donated a day of tennis at my country club. That's very generous of you, sir.

Well, when you're a man in my position, Warner, it's very important to give the

impression that you give a rat's ass.

It's just good business.

I'll see you at the table. All right, Mr. Savitsky. Hey, Christine, do you

if I bid on that shiatsu massage? It sounds kind of good, huh?

Why would I mind if you bid on it?

Well, Christine, you know, it's...

Shiatsu. Yeah, Jimmy, I don't think that means what you think it means.

Oh, man, but I want to bid on something.

Well, how about you give me the $40 and I'll give you what you thought shiatsu

was.

Nah, just go bid on that car wash.

Kim, you have two small kids. You have so much to do around the house. How do

you stay in such great shape?

Oh, well, you know, I don't have time to go to the gym anymore.

But, you know, you have to be creative.

Emily's about 12 pounds now, which is the same weight I use for curls.

Oh, my God!

I do the same thing when I work a double shift and I can't get to the gym.

I just jog over to aisle four, and I do squats with big bags of dog food.

Kim, what are you doing?

I'm talking to Debbie. I thought you were getting a drink with Lisa.

Oh, yeah, well, we were walking towards the bar to get a drink, and she saw

someone she knew and sort of peeled off. It's okay. It's not okay. She peels,

you peel. I want you on her like quite on right.

$1 .29 a box.

Special this week.

That's quite a talent, honey.

Look at her, standing over there all by herself.

All right, all right. Excuse me, Debbie. Now, go on. Get over there.

Hi.

Hey.

Man, my white Russian is strong. How about you?

Yeah, my drink's strong, too. I'll tell you, a couple more of these, I'll be

flat on my back with my dress hiked up over my head.

You want another one?

No, now I'm hoping to keep my dress on.

Suit yourself, but I didn't drop five grand on new jugs to keep them under

wraps.

Yeah, I'm like that with my fine china.

You know, we spent so much on it, it seems like a waste not to keep the good

dishes out sometimes. You know, you got a smoking little body. If I had a body

like that, I'd be wearing a pair of doomy pumps.

You know what I'm talking about. Black, six inches high. I love those shoes.

You wear them when you want to feel like a little whore.

Yeah, sure.

My closet's full of little whore shoes.

Look, great talking to you. I'll see you at the table. Okay, bye, Kim. I'll see

you in a bit.

Oh, my God.

Well, what are you doing? Why aren't you talking to her?

Greg, I'm sorry. I tried, but all she wants to talk about is that.

Well, you've had sex. We had sex last night. Go on, tell her about it.

Greg, we have nothing in common. She's a foul -mouthed party girl with fake

boobs on a mission to get hammered.

Now, what kind of person could get along with someone like that?

Well,

it looks like Thelma just met Louise.

This is great. This is just great. Oh, so what? So, Christine's getting along

with Mrs. Savitsky. That's because they're both drunk. Now, chug this,

over there, and make me proud.

Greg, how is it going to help you if I become her friend anyway?

I don't know. A lot of ways.

I mean, say you guys start hanging out together, and she wants to go shopping

Rodeo Drive, but you can't go because I don't make enough money.

I mean, she complains to Savitsky, and the next thing you know, I'm getting a

raise.

Okay, fine.

You know what? It's too late now. Forget about it.

What? Well, it'll just seem like you're forcing your way in there. It needs to

look natural.

We're going to the tennis club.

What? I'm going to put a bid on the day of tennis at Mr.

Savitsky's club. That way we can spend the whole day with him, and it'll give

you another chance to become a friend.

It'll seem natural, and we won't seem so desperate.

Oh, dear God, I've got to get over there.

Okay, say I want to put a bid on the day of tennis. What do I do? Oh, you just

write your name and your bid under the last name on the page, and when the

auction ends, the highest bid wins.

Okay, thank you. You're welcome.

I understand how it works. You don't have to show me.

Oh, I'm not. I'm outbidding you.

Oh, wow.

That's okay. I really didn't want it anyway.

Oh, we've got a long night ahead of us, don't we?

Truth is, I work for the charity.

Mr. Savitsky doesn't really want to play tennis with anyone, so he left explicit

instructions to just keep bidding whatever it takes and hold right of

Oh, okay. That is so funny.

That is so like George.

I work with him every day, and if he knew I was bidding, he'd be fine with

You think you understand now? Certainly.

I was hoping you would.

Oh, you are cute.

Real cute.

Oh, hold up a minute. No, that pen's from another auction. That's a foul.

is using a different pen.

You hid the other pen in your pocket. That, my friend, is an outrageous

allegation.

And that's the end of the silent auction.

Thank you, everyone, for your thoughtfulness and generosity.

You son of a bitch!

Hey, I did it. I won something.

I was the only guy bidding on it. What's a high colonic?

Hey, how's it going over here?

Okay, Mr.

Savitsky, once again, you won a day of tennis with yourself.

Thank God. What did it go for this year? $200, $300?

$4 ,000.

$4 ,000!

What kind of a jackass would pay $4 ,000 to play tennis?

Probably someone who genuinely cares about the homeless. I mean, at least now

you can get to play tennis with whomever you want.

Now, Christine, you and Jimmy ought to come down to the club and play with us

sometime.

Oh, I don't know. We don't really play tennis. Yeah, not everybody plays

We can teach you. Come on, Jimmy. Our wives are really hitting it off. We

hang out. Are you sure? Will that be great? Yeah. Yeah, that sounds like fun.

Hey, Greg, check out those two.

Are they like sisters or what?

I got it.

Whoa! Whoops.

Four!

Come on, Jimmy, that's like the tenth time today.

I can't help it. I can't find my touch.

That's okay. Just make sure you keep it to the left.

That's the staff parking lot.

And these are our professional tennis courts. They're open all day long from 6

in the morning till 10 o 'clock at night. Wow, very nice.

Oh, my God, Kim, look who it is.

Wow, what a surprise.

Warner, what are you doing here?

Yeah, Warner, what are you doing here?

What a crazy coincidence.

Kim and I were taking a tour of the tennis club. Really?

Yeah. So these are the courts, huh?

Nice courts, I guess. Tough to tell without actually playing on it.

The tennis court, if you've played anywhere else, I'm sure it's the same.

I can't really tell until I play on it.

Well, you can always play with us.

I don't know.

Sure, why not? I think we've seen enough. Why don't you send us a

Oh, great.

You guys play. Lisa and I will watch. No, I wouldn't hear of kicking you off

court. That would be rude.

Jimmy and Christine, why don't you guys sit down and Kim and I will play.

Lisa, you're going to love playing with Kim. She played in college.

Look, you guys are the guests. You play first. We'll play the winner. Yeah, I'm

going to sit down and have a drink.

Hey, Christine, I ordered us a pitcher of Long Island iced teas. Long Island

iced teas at 10 o 'clock in the morning?

Hey, it's 1 o 'clock in Long Island.

What are you doing?

I didn't come down here to play tennis with you. I didn't come down here to

tennis with you either. That's why in ten minutes you're going to be watching

play George and Lisa. Oh, yeah? We'll see about that.

Come on, Christine.

Hey, will you lose the drink? This is serious.

I'm good.

Volley for serve.

Yeah, honey.

shot honey nice shot kim kim what are you doing you're better than this

what well savitsky said they're gonna play the winners i've seen you play

you can kill the ball you're just lobbing it over come on jimmy and

they're not tennis players we're gonna win anyway yeah well i don't want to

it what are we gonna do slam it down their throats

I got this one. Yeah, baby.

Damn it!

Nice match. Well played. Oh, yeah, that was a blast.

Next time we arm wrestle in front of Sammy, I'm not letting you win, muscles.

Nothing personal. I was just in the zone.

Wow, quite a show, Warner. Well, Kim and I love playing mixed doubles. It's just

hard finding couples that we can be competitive with.

Well, you're a great player. Thanks.

I like to practice as much as I can, work out a little, and I'm very careful

about what I put in my body.

Iced tea? Oh, sure. Thanks.

Savitsky had a knee operation last year and can't move to his right.

FYI.

What are you doing?

Let's just have fun.

Fun? He doesn't care about fun.

Savitsky's the most competitive guy I know. If we give him a good game, we'll

playing with him every weekend.

Why do you get so crazy about this stuff? You are talented and smart.

That is what's going to get you ahead at work?

Being Mr.

Savitsky's tenant?

You know what?

Don't even bother being my partner. Let's just play.

I am your partner.

No, you're not.

You're the one always telling me I need to try harder, I need to socialize, and

the one time I need that from you, you can't even give me that.

So forget about it. Let's just play for fun.

I will always be your partner.

If you want to beat Mr. and Mrs. Savitsky at tennis, let's beat them.

No lobbing?

I'll kill the ball. Thank you.

Let's do this!

I felt bad about denting a few cars.

Nice going, Kim. I'll be lucky if I don't get fired.

Hey, me hitting her boob was bad, but you didn't help things by trying to pop

back in place.

Oh, my God. Is she okay?

Better than okay. She's great.

The doctor said as long as he's going in there, she can go up a size.

And she said, how about two sizes?

And Hef told me she wasn't the marrying kind.

Well, congratulations, sir. I hope she recovers quickly and we can get back out

there on that court as soon as possible.

Listen, you know, I like you a lot, but Lisa's not too fond of your wife. You

know how that goes.

Yeah, yeah. I know how that goes.

Christine, Lisa wants to talk to you. I promised her a little shopping spree on

Rodeo Drive and she wants to know if you want to go with her.

I'd love to, but, um, you know, we can't really afford anything on Rodero Drive

on Jimmy's salary.

Well, I think I might be able to help you with that, Jimmy, huh?

I'll just get my vice president of business affairs to get you a raise.

You'll take care of that, Warner?

Of course I will.

Where's Mommy?

Who knows?

Playing tennis.

At an auction.

They're always out living their lives as if we don't exist.

No, no, no.

The glass will be ready in an hour.

Logan!

Did he change the baby?

Yep.

See him before the laundry?

Yep. Good.

Let's take a break.

At least when they're not here, we can do whatever we want.

If they complain about the smell, blame it on Emily.