Original subtitles

Hey, how was the Cooper's yard sale?

Great. I picked up something for Kim.

Oh, my God, Jimmy, you didn't. Yeah, I know you've been looking for a new lamp

for next to the couch to replace the old lamp.

That is the old one.

Greg's mother gave that ugly thing to us, and I've always hated it.

I sold it to the Rivera's down the street at our yard sale, and then I saw

Cooper's buying it at the Rivera's yard sale.

Well, I guess it's found its way home.

Ah, the mystical circle of crap.

Where's Greg? I thought he went with you.

Last time I saw him, he was busy haggling over some stuff.

How do I look?

Like you just won the worst showcase in the history of The Price is Right.

My monkey.

Okay, and then you take that electrode and you put it in that potato.

Hey, check it out. It lit up.

Wow. Pretty cool, huh?

What are you guys doing? I'm not sure, but I think I'm playing God.

Check it out, Greg. Light from a vegetable.

I haven't seen you this excited about potatoes since you found out au gratin

means with cheese.

Dad, how does it work?

What? How does it work?

Uh, oh, well, you know what you do? You take the black rod, the red rod, and you

stick them in a potato each, and then, you know, bulb lights up.

Yeah, but why?

Well, uh, you know, it's just, uh...

Magic potatoes.

And, of course, the transfer of electrons.

Uh, exactly.

Yeah, the, uh, transfer of electrons.

What are electrons?

Well, they're the stuff that make this bulb light up. See? I'll show you.

Electron.

Electroph.

Electrons are little charged particles that are in everything.

A potato is something called a conductor.

Yes, but not the kind of conductor that drives a train.

Right? Right.

When you put the zinc electrode and the copper electrode into the potato, it

helps the electrons move within the wires, creating an electrical current,

then, you know, lights up the bulb.

Cool. Thanks, Greg.

I'm going to go tell Mom.

Good.

Hey, thanks for bailing me out there. You know, it's been a long time since I

learned this stuff. Well, no problem. I just hope I was thorough enough. I was

going to draw him a graph, but Kim always says I draw too many graphs,

just confuses people.

Which I was going to disprove by drawing her a pie chart showing her how often I

did draw graphs.

In retrospect, I guess that's not the best angle.

You know, I wish I could answer you, Greg. Unfortunately, I just heard a

lot of blabbity -blah surrounding the word pie.

You have to stop.

Kim, you won't let me play the bangles in the house. You won't let me play them

in the car.

But for God's sake, this is an iPod, not a WePod.

I meant the mowing. When are you going to be done? You've been back here for

last hour.

Not just mowing. This thing makes all sorts of patterns depending on which

direction you're going or how you adjust the blade.

She's trying to make it beautiful for our family.

Well, it looks great. Get off the grass. Get off the grass.

Christine, can I ask you a question?

Yeah.

Do you know how electricity works?

Yeah, when electrons move, it creates a current. Damn it, how does everybody

know that?

What's wrong?

Well, I was helping Dominic with the science project, and he asked me a bunch

questions I don't know the answers to.

I'm afraid he thinks I'm stupid.

Jimmy, nobody thinks you're stupid. No, look, no, no, I know I'm not stupid. I'm

just afraid that Dominic's going to think that I am.

It's like he's only in the second grade. I already got trouble helping him with

the schoolwork. Maybe you should have paid more attention in school.

Yeah, well, if I remember our science class, the only thing you were

in weighing and measuring were my boobs.

Jimmy, if you feel so bad about this, it's never too late to learn this stuff.

How much did they weigh? Eight pounds.

Jimmy, Greg's right. I mean, just because you didn't apply yourself when

were a teenager doesn't mean you can't start applying yourself now. Yeah. You

know what? Maybe I will. I don't know.

Jimmy.

She really seems upset about this.

She... When you learn all this stuff, you never realize you have to remember

everything so that one day you can be there to help your kid.

Makes you think, huh?

Eight pounds. What were you, a dog?

I'm Jimmy Hughes. I'm Dominic's father. He's in your second grade class.

You might remember my wife and I helped chaperone last semester's field trip.

Oh, right.

Wait. Were you the ones who made out in the back row of the planetarium and

giggled every time someone said Uranus?

Uranus.

No, that wasn't us.

How can I help you? Well, you know what? I'm having some trouble.

helping Dominic with science, and I was just wondering if I could borrow a book,

you know, brush up a little. Oh, of course.

Take one of our textbooks.

There's quizzes at the end of each chapter. Oh, thank you so much. This is

really, it's going to help a lot, you know.

I never really paid attention in school. I was lazy, you know what I mean? I

always tried to take the easy way out.

Now, do you have a teacher's edition with all the answers in the back?

Mr. Hughes, give a man a fish, he'll eat for a day. Teach a man to fish, he'll

eat for a lifetime.

So you don't have a book with all the answers in it?

Mr. Hughes, do you want to help your son or not? No, I do, I do. It's just, you

know, reading makes me tired.

I once dozed off during a fortune cookie.

Of course, I've just eaten about 17 egg rolls.

Look, if you really want to learn this stuff, why don't you come by after

school? I'd be more than happy to help you brush up on your science.

Oh, really? Well, thanks, but I work in the afternoons.

I do have a lunch hour at 1 o 'clock. Fine. Bring your lunch here. You can get

lot done in an hour. Great. Well, then I will see you tomorrow.

Really, I'm looking forward to learn a little bit more about Mother Earth.

Actually, you're touching Uranus.

Greg, the yard looks great.

Oh, please, Mrs. Tompkins. I don't mow for money. I do it for love.

Okay, but my husband will be home in a half hour, so let's make it fast.

Oh, I'm sorry. Your class isn't over yet. No, class just started. Take a

What? Take a seat.

Everyone, this is Mr. Hughes. He's going to sit in on our class.

What do we say to new students?

Welcome, Mr. Hughes.

What's up?

I thought when you said lunch hour, it would be your lunch hour, too.

Mr. Hughes, my lunch hour is only 45 minutes.

If it takes me five minutes to walk each way to the cafeteria, seven minutes in

line to get my food, and I take 25 minutes to eat my lunch, how long does

leave me to teach you?

Yeah, my math isn't much better than my science.

Just have a seat.

Okay. This is my sixth grade science class.

We're in the middle of our biology unit. All right.

You know the answer was four minutes, didn't you? Of course I did. I'm not an

idiot. It was three.

Yesterday we covered fertilization and... Yes, Jack? I can't see.

Mr. Hugh's head is too big.

Maybe you two could switch.

Today, we're going to continue with the video we started yesterday.

Yes, Chad. How come Mr. Hughes gets to eat in class when no one else does?

How come Chad doesn't mind his own beeswax?

Chad, we're going to make a special exception for Mr.

Hughes.

Okay, then. We left off talking about the birthing process.

with the arrival of this new baby calf.

Hey. Wow, that's a lot of books.

Whatever you're about to do, I'm begging you, use your own bathroom.

I'm taking a science class.

I want to be able to help out Dominic so he doesn't think I'm stupid.

Good for you. That's kind of neat, huh? Both you and Christine going back to

college?

Yeah, something like that.

What do you got there?

Fun was static. Jimmy, you're not going back to college. You're going back to

elementary school.

I'm in the sixth grade, and a lot of places, that's middle school.

I think it shows a lot of courage to take sixth grade a second time.

I should get a medal, because it's my third.

I thought I'd come and study with you.

Oh, really? Like we used to in high school?

No. Does this look like a baseball dugout to you?

So what are you studying?

The sociological strata in pre -Columbian Aztec civilization.

How about you?

Our friend the carrot.

Okay, class, before we begin the quiz, are there any final questions?

Mr. Hughes.

Yeah, can you explain again that thing about why a rock sinks but a piece of

wood the same weight floats?

Sure. The buoyancy of a substance is determined by its what?

Its volume.

Dude, I'm serious this time. Its volume.

Volume? No.

Chat?

Density. Very good.

Any other questions?

Mr. Hughes?

Well, yeah, the thing about the rock and the wood again is, like, I can

understand if they're the same size.

But, like, a little pebble like this big, that's going to sink. But a log

that's, like, a thousand times heavier, that's going to float? Right, but see,

you're still thinking in terms of mass instead of density.

Even though the mass changes...

The density remained the same.

Anything else?

Mr. Hughes.

Yeah, um, what?

Thank you so much. You did such a

lovely job. I did, didn't I?

Check it out. I call it the Japanese rising sun.

It's beautiful.

Domo arigato.

How do you do that?

Oh, no, no. No trade secrets. I'll see you next week for something I like to

call the cinnamon roll.

Bye.

How are you? I'm ready.

Another long, hard day of mowing under my belt.

If I wasn't so hopped up on antihistamines for my hay fever, I'd say

time.

Quick, wipe your feet.

What? They're clean.

Clean? Christine didn't bring as much grass into the house when she was in

school.

Hey, honey. How was school?

I failed.

I failed a sixth grade science quiz.

and one else floated like a log and I sank like a pebble.

Maybe you were nervous.

It's been a long time since you've taken a test.

I'm sure you'll do better next time. I can't do better.

You saw how hard I studied. I still failed.

Dominic should think I'm stupid because I am stupid.

You're not stupid.

There has to be another explanation for all this.

You do spend a lot of time with your face pressed up against the microwave.

have a learning disability, you know, like attention deficit disorder.

Oh, please, ADD, or as my father used to call it, ants in your pants.

Jimmy, these are real problems people have.

Yeah, and they didn't check for things like that when we were kids. I mean, you

might have something and not even know it.

You think?

It's nothing to be ashamed of.

Everybody's born with things they struggle with. Greg's colorblind.

It's true. Up to the age of seven, I couldn't figure out why I had a box of

gray crayons.

craziest thing, but I've never been able to say the word aluminum.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God. I have to go call my mom.

Jimmy, I think you should get tested.

Yeah, you know what? Maybe I will.

Yeah, I mean, wouldn't it be great to know that there's a reason why school's

always been so hard for you?

Yeah, it would explain a lot. Like how you could never remember plays on the

football team, or how you always write down phone numbers wrong, or how you

always get lost in Costco?

I wasn't lost.

I was just circling until that woman finished cooking those mini quiches.

Hello, Mom?

Listen to this.

All those ink blots.

Every one of those pictures is so obviously a vagina.

Mr. Hughes?

Yeah. I've got your results.

Ah, great. Is it ADD? No.

ADHD? No.

Dyslexia? No.

Anth in my pants?

No, all of your test scores fall well within the normal parameters.

You're kidding me.

No, there's nothing wrong with you at all. Congratulations.

I can't believe it. The first test I ever aced is the one that proves I'm an

idiot.

Daddy, can you help me with my homework?

I doubt it. What?

You know what, Dominic, why don't you go ask Uncle Greg if he can help you. Why

can't you help me?

Well, because today we found out that your dad is...

I promised Uncle Greg I was going to fix his lawnmower.

What's wrong with it?

Well, he shorted out the engine. He got a little dizzy doing the cinnamon roll.

And he drove it straight into a koi pond.

You know how to fix that?

Yeah, it's no big deal.

What's that?

That right there is the distributor cap. I had to replace that. And then I got

to rerun the wires from there to the spark plugs.

Then I had to spike the ignition wire. That's all torn up.

I have to reconnect the fuel line from there.

What's that orange piece?

That is a piece of brave fish who died defending his pond.

How do you know how to do all that?

I don't know. Just fixing things always came easy to me.

Can Uncle Greg do it?

No, Uncle Greg is not a fixing stuff kind of guy, you know? Don't you

he had to jump his car battery and he was declared legally dead for three

minutes?

Wow, you must be really smart.

You think so?

Yeah, can you teach me how to fix stuff?

Of course I can. Here, grab a wrench.

Let me show you how to change a spark plug.

Thank God somebody's home.

Listen to this.

Alunumum.

Hey.

You the guy that's been mowing everyone's lawn?

Yeah. Been mowing them all except the one with the koi pond.

There's some litigation pending there.

Listen, mister, maybe you weren't aware, but this is our block. We mow the lawns

around here.

Yeah, almost every lawn you mow costs us 15 bucks.

Fifteen dollars?

Sounds like someone's priced themselves out of the market.

Well, maybe you don't understand what my friend here is saying.

This is our turf.

What, are you threatening me?

Just a little neighborly advice.

I'm not going to be intimidated by you little thugs.

I'll mow whatever I want.

Why don't you... sleep on it.

Maybe you'll think more clearly in the morning.