Original subtitles

Okay, we give up.

Where are you?

Greg, we give up. Where are you?

What are you doing in there?

I was hiding.

You're playing hide -and -go -seek with a three -year -old. Is it that important

that you maintain your undefeated streak?

Let's try it again. You go over here by the jungle gym and start to count. Mommy

and Daddy gonna hide.

Sneaking away for a quickie, huh?

We're playing hide -and -go -seek. Please, I don't need to hear what you

it.

Hey, uh, is Jimmy around?

Yeah. Oh, peanuts. Oh, my God.

Oh, honey, go inside.

Mommy and Daddy will take care of this.

Hey.

What's going on?

Jimmy found some peanuts in the backyard.

You should have seen him run out of here.

And if he's that scared of peanuts, that little guy's going to crap his pants

the first time he sees a coconut.

Peanuts could kill him, stupid.

Get out of here. He's very allergic. He could become extremely sick just from

touching them. You're kidding me. From a peanut?

Well, you breed them strong, huh, Hercules?

It's a food allergy. There's nothing to be ashamed of. I know, I know. I'm

allergic to mayonnaise.

Really? That's funny. I would have guessed that 90, 95 % of you was

We need to get rid of those.

Cume, I can't touch them. I'm allergic, too.

I don't know. if I can touch them. We don't know if Emily's allergic and I'm

still breastfeeding.

Stand back.

On Earth, I'm a mere mortal.

But here on Planet Geek, I'm Superwoman.

Aha! My work here is done.

Your yard is once again safe, Geekonians.

How could this happen? I am so careful about not keeping Peanuts in the house.

Who would leave Peanuts out here?

What up, homies?

Oh, Jimmy, we found some peanuts back here. Were they yours?

No, and I'm insulted. First of all, I know how severe Sam's peanut allergy is,

and secondly, when's the last time you ever saw me misplace a snack?

Oh, my God, you guys, look at that squirrel. It has peanuts. He's the one

bringing them back here.

It was you!

Stay away from my family, you filthy rat!

Think it'll come back?

Uh, Greg, it's a shoe, not a boomerang.

What are you doing?

Watching the trap.

What? Greg bought a trap to catch the squirrel. That thing's been out there

every day with more peanuts.

Wow, that trap is huge.

Hey, maybe two of them will go in there and get to see a squirrel cage match.

A what?

A cage match.

You know, WWE.

For God's sakes, people, put down the books every once in a while and enjoy a

little Smackdown.

Oh, look at poor Sammy in there watching TV.

The squirrel's made him a prisoner in his own home.

Yeah, my aunt was the same way.

But in her case, you know, it wasn't a squirrel. It was an extra 500 pounds

around her waist.

Where do you think the squirrel's getting the peanuts from, anyway? Well,

don't know. We talked to all the neighbors, and they claim they're not

him. He could be getting them from anywhere. The problem is he's bringing

here in the backyard.

You know, I was doing some research on the Internet.

Apparently, once animals find a place they like to eat, they never leave.

Well, you didn't have to look at the Internet to learn that. Just go look in

guest house.

Well, I hope you catch him soon.

Well, it shouldn't take long. They love sweets, so I put a candy bar in there.

When he goes inside to get it, the door closes and traps him inside.

Guess they're not that smart, are they?

So have there been any more peanuts today?

Yep. We found three by the jungle gym and a bunch of pistachios by the Chase

Lounge. Oh, the pistachios are mine. I don't really like them, but with Sam's

allergy, you know, I don't have a lot to work with.

Where's Greg? He's hiding in the bushes waiting for the squirrel to go into the

trap.

Hey,

I got it. I got it. It's in there. The squirrel's in there. Good for you.

You should have seen his face when the door locked him inside. He was all, what

the? I don't know what to do.

So what are you going to do with him now?

Look at his face. He's all like, what the?

I don't know what to do.

Put the trap in the car, drive it to Griffith Park, and let him go. It's not

like he's going to find his way back here.

I wish you would have thought of that when Jimmy got stuck in the trap.

Well, I don't think that trap is going to fit in the back of your car unless

take it apart.

Well, here, here, put it in his back.

What? Put the squirrel in this bag.

You mean, like, touch him?

Yeah, just reach your hand in, grab his head, and put him in the bag.

Okay, can you believe this guy?

Yeah, go ahead.

Go ahead?

Go ahead, all of a sudden you're married to the crocodile hunter?

Come on, stop being a wuss. What if it bites me? Okay, fine, here, give me the

bag, I'll do it.

Great. I'm not ashamed. If Jimmy's more of a man than me because he'll touch a

squirrel, then fine. Jimmy's more of a man.

Oh, my God! I touched it! I touched it! Take it! Take it! Put it in the car! No,

don't put it in the car! Don't put it in the car! Leave it!

You know,

I'm not gonna, uh... I'm not gonna feel bad about being a little scared.

You shouldn't. Uh -oh, no. You shouldn't.

I mean, I know it's just the squirrel, but, you know, it's still an animal.

A wild animal, Jimmy.

Wild.

And, you know, it wasn't fear talking as much as it was adrenaline.

Sure, I mean, when your adrenaline gets pumping too much, that can totally look

like fear.

Remember when everybody went to the top of the Washington Monument and I stayed

down at the bottom?

That was adrenaline.

How come the bag isn't moving?

I don't know.

Think it's dead?

I don't know. Look inside.

I'm not looking inside. You look inside.

Maybe it's suffocated.

That's impossible. Look, there's a hole in the back.

Was there always a hole in the back?

How it got out of the bag.

I still don't understand how you let it out of the car.

Oh, really?

Really? I like to see you alone in the car with a squirrel, Kim. Trust me, the

adrenaline gets pumping.

Still shaking, honey?

You weren't there, Christine.

I'll never get that image out of my mind. It's like locked up here with the

I had to help your grandmother off the toilet.

Maybe it'll just go back into the trap. It's been sitting out there for an hour.

It knows it's a trap now.

It's not going to be stupid enough to get caught twice. You'd be surprised.

You got caught in a trap twice.

The first time I didn't know it was a trap.

The second time I thought I could get the candy out fast enough.

Well, I don't know what we're going to do. We have no idea where it's getting

the peanuts. We can't catch him.

He might have to move.

We're not moving.

I hate to say this, but you might have to... I think you

might have to put a stop to this.

I am trying to put a stop to this.

No, I mean you have to make the problem go away.

Go away permanently.

Are you saying you want me to kill it? Oh, I didn't want to say the words kill

it. Why, do you think I'm wearing a wire for the squirrel police?

Look, I don't think we have any other choice. The thing is endangering the

of our son. I think you need to kill it.

I'm not going to kill it. You kill it.

Come on, Greg. I mean, in today's world, how often does a modern father get a

chance to save his family's life?

You know, I mean, this is your opportunity to step up and be a man.

This is your chance to be a hero.

No.

Can I go play outside?

Oh, no, honey. The squirrel's still out there.

I'm sorry I'm allergic to peanuts.

Oh, honey, it's not your fault you're allergic to peanuts. No, it's not your

fault at all, buddy. Come on. Why don't you run back in there and watch a little

more TV? We'll figure this out.

Did you hear that?

Did you hear that? My son wants to play in his own backyard, and that squirrel's

got him thinking that something's wrong with him. All right, there you go.

There's some fire.

That squirrel's going down.

How should I do it? Should I put some poison down in the backyard?

Yeah, Greg, that's what I want.

To get rid of peanuts on the ground, which are like poison to our sun, I want

you to put down poison, which is like poison to everyone.

Well, what do you want me to do? Call Acme and get some exploding acorns?

Get a gun.

What? Get a pellet gun.

You need to protect your land.

land, where are we? Little House on the Prairie?

No, if this were Little House on the Prairie, we could just let that little

blind girl run around the backyard until she stepped on it.

I don't want to buy a pellet gun.

There's kids in the house. I don't want a gun in the house. You could borrow one

for the day.

I could call Billy. He and I used to hunt all the time back east. I'm sure he

brought some of his stuff out when he came out here.

Well, fine.

I mean, if that's my only option, I'll shoot it. Call Billy and see if I can

borrow his pellet gun.

Oh, thank you.

You know, this is kind of hot.

What? You getting a gun.

You know, I never would have thought I was this kind of woman, but it's kind of

turning me on.

Really? Yeah.

My man's getting a gun.

He sure is, baby. And I'm going to pop a cap right in that squirrel's bushy

little ass.

Everyone considered him a coward of the county.

He had never stood one single time to prove the county wrong.

What are you doing?

Getting in the mood for hunting squirrel.

Been listening to country music, eating beef jerky. Good thing my sister's not

here. I'd be all over her.

Rogers, huh?

Yep. The Coward of the County.

It's a song about a boy who everyone thinks is yellow.

And he proves them wrong.

It's my new anthem.

When's Billy coming over? He's on his way.

All right. Well, we'll be at the beach. Good luck.

Luck has nothing to do with it, Kim. This classic confrontation between man

beast is going to come down to a Darwinian struggle for survival.

I heard that on Behind the Music right before Ted Nugent shot a deer in the

face.

You going to come to the beach with us, Jimmy?

No, I think I better stay here.

Something tells me if we leave Greg here alone with a squirrel and a gun,

there's a 50 -50 chance we'll come home to find the squirrel sitting on the

couch listening to Kenny Rogers.

Everyone considered him the coward of the county.

He didn't.

Excuse me, I think you've made a mistake. The wascally wabbit lives next

That's funny. You see him holding a gun, right? Sorry.

Hey, Billy. Hey, Jim.

Want to do a little squirrel hunting, huh?

Yep. Ah, the gray ghost. There's three things I know about squirrels. They're

quick, they're crafty, and they're delicious.

You eat them? Oh, yeah, sure. Back home, we used to eat them all the time. Yeah,

Billy's uncle would go kill some squirrels, catch some turtles, and then

cook us up some Cumberland County surf and turf.

I'm telling you, the meat's delicious.

You got squirrel chops, squirrel mignon.

But the true delicacy is squirrel milk.

Now, it's a chore to get more than a bottle cap full, but it is sweet as

molasses.

Wow, you brought a lot of stuff with you. Yeah, well, I like to be prepared.

So who's shooting this thing, Jimmy, you or me? He is.

What? Me. I mean, this is my son's life we're talking about. I will protect my

family.

Wow, really? Okay, all right. Well, good for you. Here, you have to put on some

camouflage.

Also, squirrels have a very acute sense of smell.

Rub some of this on your pulse points, and it'll mask your human pheromones.

This smells awful. What is it? Squirrel pee.

Hey, hey, don't waste it. You think the milk's hard to get? Try squeezing pee

out of them.

It's a semi -automatic pellet gun, okay?

Hey, Jimmy, remember when we used to dare each other to take a shot in the

with that thing? Yeah, man.

We were jackasses before jackasses had TV shows.

So what do you look through this little hole right here?

Now, Greg, that's a kaleidoscope. I bought it for your sweet 16.

What's the matter with you? Haven't you ever held a gun before?

Once. It was a glue gun. I burnt three knuckles, but it didn't stop me from

finishing my pine cone wreath.

You're a bush.

This is ridiculous. We've been out here for three hours. We haven't seen

anything. Okay, Greg, hunting is about being patient, okay?

It's about being out in the great outdoors, roughing it, getting in touch

the predator within, relying on your most primitive instincts.

Oh, man, the dominoes.

Hey, Greg, can I use your bathroom?

Sure. Thanks. You know, I like hunting right next to the house instead of out

the woods.

I'd think a fresh roll of Charmin over a pine cone any day.

What are you doing?

Kenny Rogers.

I'm not Kenny Rogers, but I'm the Kenny Rogers in you.

Okay.

What are you doing here?

I'm here to help you shoot that squirrel.

I know. I've never shot anything before.

Oh, come on. Don't be a yeller.

This is your son's life we're talking about. You have to protect the family.

I know. I just don't. Come on, Greg. It's time to be a man.

I know. You're right. I just don't think I can.

Everyone considered him the coward of the county.

He never stood one single time to prove the county wrong.

His mama named him Greggy, but the folks, they called him Yeller.

Something always told me they were reading Greggy wrong.

Thirty years of crawling.

was bottled up inside him. He wasn't holding nothing back. He let him have it

all. When Greggy left the backyard, not a single squirrel was standing.

He said, this one's for Sammy, as he watched the last one fall.

I can't do it. What? Come on, I made up the words about a squirrel and

everything.

I know, and it was great. I just don't think I can do it.

Ugh.

It's Howard.

Right, there it is. There's the squirrel. I know. I can't do it. You do

Yeah, go ahead. Do it. Hurry up and do it.

I can't do it.

What?

I've never really... I've never really shot anything before.

But he used to go hunting all the time. I know, but just so I could chug beer

and paint my face.

I mean, come on, it's the same reason I went trick -or -treating until I was 28.

Well, I can't do it either, so I guess the lucky little guy's gonna live.

Lunchtime.

Okay, man, it's okay. It's better this way. Sam's life was in danger. I don't

like it either. But that squirrel, he had to go.

I know, I know. You're right. I mean, it was either him or us. And I could only

keep Sam out of the backyard for so long.

And plus, I'm going to feel better knowing there's not going to be any

What the hell?

Billy, you shot the wrong squirrel. That's the squirrel that's been bringing

nuts into the yard. You shot an innocent squirrel.

Guilty, innocent. They all taste the same with a little mustard on them.

That's it.

That's it.

Now an innocent squirrel is dead because of you.

Enjoy your nuts in hell.

shooting, Tex.

My God, look, there's blood.

Are you kidding me? You missed him by a mile. No, I'm talking about my finger. I

pinched it in the trigger.

It's okay, kids. The squirrel's fine. You know, all animals shake and twitch

like that before they go to sleep.

My God, it just ran out into the car.

He killed a squirrel.

Kim, you didn't kill a squirrel.

You killed the squirrel.

Thanks to you, Sammy's safe. You're a hero.

Really? Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey. I think we've got two heroes here. Let's

not forget who scared that squirrel under the tire.

So you flushed him out of hiding so Kim could finish him off.

Yeah. Ah, good doggie.

I'm going to scrape the squirrel off the street.

Oh, thanks. I'll go get you a bag to put them in.

Oh, I don't need a bag. I'll just scoop them right into the crockpot.

Oh, my God.

What is it? What is it? There's a mouse under the sink. Stop pushing me. Well,

go get it. I'm not going to get it. You get it. Craig, you are the man of the

house. Now, you have to do this.

Go for it, Craig.

Who are you?

I'm the Kenny G in you.

Kenny Rogers washed his hands of you after that whole squirrel incident.

But don't you worry.

I'll get you through this.

Hey, look. The mouse is leaving on its own. Keep playing, Kenny.

Keep playing.