Original subtitles

Is that the scrapbook for Grandma's birthday?

Yeah. Eighty years of memories here.

She's not smiling in any of these.

Why is it in all these old pictures that women always look so miserable?

You would, too, if your feminine hygiene products were made out of burlap.

Big news, Sammy. Your daddy's so important to his studio that he may be

a VIP ticket to the NCAA Final Four in New Orleans.

Wow, March Madness. Cool.

That's really great, Greg.

Oh, man, you know, you execs get all the perks.

That's what sucks about being a security guard. There's so many people above

you.

Well, don't lose hope, Jimmy. I mean, a giant meteor could plummet from space,

hit the studio, and wipe out most of your co -workers.

Let's just hope it happens before March.

When is it?

April 5th through the 7th.

It's New Orleans, Muggy. I better bring hair gel.

Greg, April 7th is Grandma Nan's birthday.

It is?

Yeah. Her 80th. It's a big one.

Wow.

What are you, saying I should take her to the game? Because the super don't

a lot of stairs to come.

Greg, we're having a huge party here, remember?

My whole family's on a bus tour down the West Coast.

My mom, Aunt Millie, Uncle Howard, Uncle Doug, I told you this months ago.

Looks like I have a decision to make.

Yeah. Yeah, I guess you do.

Big game.

Yeah.

Yeah. Big birthday.

Might be the last chance I ever get to go to the Final Four, though.

Might be the last chance we ever get to see my grandma.

Yep. A lot of food for thought.

Look, Craig, let's not play games here.

You know I would like you to be at the party, but I want you to do what you

think you should do.

I'm not going to tell you what to do.

Okay, great. Thank you.

I'll think about it.

Hey, guys, check it out.

Meteor showers all week.

I'll be on the short list by Thursday.

Hi, honey.

Hey.

You're in a faith band?

Yeah. Don't act so surprised. I like to keep up on politics.

Uh -huh.

Sarah, anything you want to tell me before I hit the last channel button on

remote?

I think Kim's been watching scrambled porn. Oh.

Hey, what's up? Did you get the ticket? Not the ticket.

Two tickets.

Oh, well, you know, I've been watching the Final Four on TV ever since I was a

kid, so, um, you think about who you might want to take to the game with you?

Don't worry, Jimmy, I'm taking you. That way I won't be the only one missing

Grandma Nan's birthday party. Oh, man, thank you, dude.

Whoa, wait a minute. That's when this is?

During Grandma's party?

Yeah. Jimmy, you can't miss that.

Why not?

Because, Jimmy, this is my family. I mean, is the final four more important

our relationship?

Is it more important than my emotional needs? Is it more important than I am?

If it wasn't in New Orleans... You know what? Just go, you selfish jerk.

Hey, come on. I'll bring you back a T -shirt.

That wasn't that bad.

Oh, um, by the way, Jimmy, you think March is mad? Wait till you haven't had

till September.

She'll never make it.

Listen, I hope you have better luck with Kim.

It shouldn't be that bad. We've already talked about it. Talked about what?

Well, Kim, I've given this a lot of thought, and I've weighed everything

talked about, and I've decided that I'm going to go to the game.

Why don't you think about it some more?

I don't have to think about it some more. I got the two tickets from

and I've decided that I'm taking Jimmy.

I can't believe you're going.

I can't believe you don't think it's important to be here for the party, to

Nan open her gifts.

We're going to take a big family picture. It's going to be on the last

the scrapbook. Everyone's going to be in it, including you.

You said this was my decision.

Yeah, I said that because I didn't want to be a bossy wife.

Well, I'm sorry. It's too late. I've got the tickets, and I'm going.

Fine.

Way to stand up to it, Greg.

I know. It feels great.

I haven't done that in a long time.

It's almost like I can feel the testosterone rushing through my veins.

I'm going to need to burn some of this off.

Have you seen my roller skates?

Morning.

Listen, would you mind signing my grandmother's birthday card?

No problem.

You know, could you write a little note? You know, happy birthday.

Maybe explain why you're not going to be at the party because it's some big

basketball game.

So this is it, huh?

From now on to the game, you're just going to keep pecking away with your

passive -aggressive comments.

Rick, I'm just saying, the woman is 80 years old. She doesn't know a lot about

sports.

Someone needs to explain to her why you feel a basketball game is more important

than your family.

Peck.

Fine, I'll do it. I'll write something.

Not like you're going to be here to see what effect it has on her anyway.

Peck.

Greg, I'm just trying to get ready for the party. There's a lot to do,

especially since I won't have your help.

You know what?

I'm going to build a little perch right here.

Yeah. Right there. That way you can dig in your little bird feet and get a

little leverage when you pat, pat, pat, pat.

Fine. I won't say anything.

Well, good, because it's not going to work, okay? You tried your little

-aggressive game and you lost. I'm going to New Orleans and I'm not going to

feel guilty.

All right, I'm staying.

Bravo, bravo, you did it.

Did what?

You did it. You've ruined it for me. You've managed to make me feel guilty

suck every bit of joy I would have gotten out of going to the game. Now,

I go, all I'm going to be thinking about is that you're mad. It's not worth it,

Kim. Congratulations.

But you don't have to say it like that.

How would you like me to say it?

You could just say thank you.

What?

You could thank me for helping you to understand that family is more important

than some basketball game.

Even if it is the Fantastic Four.

Final Four, Kim. It's the Final Four. It's not the Human Torch versus

Girl.

What's that?

No, Jimmy.

I'm not going to the Final Four. You can have my ticket. Take Billy or

something. Oh, Greg, I'm sorry to hear that, ma 'am.

Greg, this is kind of awkward, but the hotel is on your credit card.

It's fine, Jimmy. Don't worry about it. Thanks, man. That's really nice of you.

Now, would that help yourself to the minibar to worry about it? Get out!

Hey. Hey.

What's that?

That's Grandma's gift.

It's got our watch.

Wow, that's really nice.

Isn't that the one you wanted from the Sundance catalog?

Yeah, but I'll get it back from her eventually.

Let's face it, this thing will be ticking a lot longer than she will.

Hello?

loved you girls more.

Ow, Tom, easy.

Sorry, but you're the first people under 70 I've seen in a week.

Tour of the continent? More like tour of the incontinent.

Grandma Nan, it is so good to see you.

It's my birthday.

I know.

Happy birthday.

Do you have wine?

I'm already on it, Nan.

Oh, it's so great to have everyone here on Millie. Good to see you.

Oh, have you lost weight?

A couple of pounds.

They took out my golf ladder.

Good for you.

You look well.

Thank you. But you just look beautiful.

And you know, when I was your age, I looked just like you.

Well, there's a little peek into my future.

And who's this?

Oh, uh, this is Gert. We don't know her last name. We met around the bus and

felt sorry for her because she doesn't have any friends.

We felt sorry for you, didn't we, Gert?

You think she's half -dead, but at lunch she ate a whole chicken.

Ginny, I thought your uncles were coming over today.

Oh, no, no. They're back at the Ramada. There's some big basketball game on, and

they didn't want any distractions.

Really? Interesting.

Kim, hear that?

Well, my husband wanted to watch the basketball game, too. He loves

But, hey, he loves his family even more.

Oh.

You know, I've always said that you're special.

It means a lot to me that you're here.

Well, I'm awfully glad to be here.

I always loved you best, Jimmy.

Um, Grandma, that's... Greg.

Greg who?

I can't believe we're going to see the Final Four in person.

Yeah. You know, I could have played college basketball myself if I just had

little more longitude and a little less latitude.

Hey, check it out. Jim Nance.

Well, I must be here doing the Final Four.

Hey, hey, Jim Nance.

What's up, boys? What's up, man? How are you? All right, we're at the big dance

with Jim Nance.

Hey, man, can we buy you a beer?

Thanks. I got to call the game tonight. Are you guys going?

Oh, yeah, we're pumped.

Yeah, man, two best teams in college hoops. They're going to be brawling and

gnawing.

Brawling and gnawing.

Yeah. I like that. Oh, thanks. Good stuff.

Think the game's going to be a good one?

It should be. The way both these two teams rebound, Jim, I'm telling you,

hit the boards harder than Greg Louganis' head.

You know what the harder part is, though, is that they get a whole day off

in New Orleans. I mean, there's going to be a ton of distractions, and I just

hope these kids know that they're not playing for beads on Bourbon Street.

They're playing for all the marbles. You're an idiot.

Distractions are good. These kids need that wine.

Once that tournament starts, they're under more pressure than Rick Majerus'

belt.

Nice. I like that. Low percenter, but I think the true fans will get that one.

Hey, hey, what you writing down over there? Just working on some pregame

Greg Louganis' head. I said that.

Hey, what are you, copying us?

Maybe just a little bit. You know, sportscasters today, they think they're

-up comics, you know. Everybody's got to employ a little humor in their

broadcast. It used to be enough just to try to call the game, but with the short

attention spans and all... You know what I mean.

I'm sorry, did you say something?

Hey, listen, you guys are funny, and I like what you just said. Do you mind if

maybe stole that and use that on the broadcast tonight?

Are you kidding? On the air? Yes. Oh, we'd be honored. Yeah, man, it's just

bad we're not going to be able to watch the game on TV.

How about you come to the game with me? You sit on the CBS set in the Superdome.

I'll take good care of you. Best seats in the house.

Do I have time to finish my gumbo? Don't worry about the gumbo. We've got the

buffet of all buffets.

As you might say, we have more shrimps than a team full of short guys.

Don't worry, we're going to get you through this.

So, both of you really used to be my height, huh?

I think I was a little taller.

All right, ladies, a bag of ice and a pack of cigarettes for Gert.

I would caution you on the health risk, but I think the cows left the barn on

that one.

Thanks for going to the store, Greg. You're welcome. You missed the picture.

What? I thought you said it was so important for me to be here for the

I'm sorry. I tried.

But it's like dealing with infants. You have a very short window of opportunity

where everyone is awake and dry.

Don't worry.

There's enough pictures of you in the scrapbook.

You opened the scrapbook? We opened all the presents.

Now, who wants seconds on cake?

I do.

Come on. Come on.

I can't believe you took the picture without me. I'm sorry.

This is just great.

I mean, you took the picture, you opened the gifts, you had cake without me.

Pretty much everything that I stayed home to see, you did without me. I'm

I didn't know it was going to work out this way.

Well, it's a good thing that I didn't go to New Orleans. A championship

basketball game can only last for a few hours, but the memory of going out and

buying ice, that'll last a lifetime.

I'm sorry. I'm really sorry.

I can't believe this. I just can't believe this. If she thinks she can just

she's sorry and walk out of here... Hey, hey, hey. Why don't you just sit back,

relax, and enjoy the situation you're in? Oh, yeah, this is a great situation.

If I'm lucky, maybe later Gert will give me a table dance.

Greg, you're fighting a battle you've already won.

Look, I didn't really care if Jimmy went to the basketball game, but I acted mad

so he would feel guilty and then I could hold it over his head for a while.

Really? Yeah.

Just like Kim used guilt to make you stay here. But see, now that she

she made you miss the greatest weekend of your life for nothing... The guilt is

on the other foot. Exactly.

If I were you, I'd milk this for all it's worth.

Here, Craig, I got you a piece of cake.

It's a corner piece like you like. Oh, thanks.

Weren't there any more pieces with the little flowers on them?

Oh, gosh, I'm sorry. We ate them all. Hey, you want me to make you brownies?

like brownies?

I guess.

Oh, hey, what are you doing? Turn on the game.

Isn't there like an hour and a half of pregame stuff? You don't want to miss

that.

How far do you think I can take this? Who knows?

Kim?

Honey, the remote. You left it on the table.

Sorry.

Enjoy.

You're a genius.

Do you like ice cream on your brownies? Sure.

Yeah.

This is Jim Nance at the Big Dance, where in just a moment, the top two

will be brawling in New Orleans.

Ha -ha!

Brawling in New Orleans.

We'll be back with a detailed look at tonight's starting lineups on CBS in

a moment.

And we're clear.

Trying to make you proud, guys. Was that okay?

Oh, yeah.

Our stuff sounds a lot better coming out of your mouth. Yeah, when it comes out

of Billy's mouth, it's usually accompanied by bits of hot dog. Oh, I

not kidding.

I hope you're enjoying yourself.

Oh, man, are you kidding me? These VIP passes are great. It's like nobody

charges us for anything. They're like a golden ticket. We're like that kid in

Willy Wonka. Yeah, but instead of learning solemn lessons on restraint and

accountability, we're just getting hammered.

Hey, I'm going back on here in about a minute. Is there anything else maybe you

have? Yeah, we wrote a bunch of them down.

You guys have been unbelievable.

I mean, you've made my night here.

Thank you. How about after we get finished with the broadcast, you come

to the CBS party?

It's the least I can do.

Oh, man.

We'd love to, but we can't. We've got to catch a flight back to L .A. Don't

worry about a flight to L .A. You go with me. I've got a plane. You go with

to L .A. tomorrow.

I insist. It's the least I can do. Seriously?

Absolutely. It's done. Yes! It's done. Cheers!

How great is this?

Isn't this incredible?

Yeah, well, not really. I always thought I had a shot at being a sports

announcer.

You're kidding, right?

What? Why couldn't I be on TV?

Well, Billy, I mean, you do know a lot about sports, but, you know, you always

kind of had a problem with the letter S.

Letter S? That's stupid.

How could you say something so silly?

Silly.

Silly.

Oh, geez, this sucks.

And in three, two...

And welcome back to the National Championship game. We've got a good one

up from the Mardi Gras City where they're playing for all the marbles, not

beads, on Bourbon Street.

That's right. This game is going to be hotter than Charles Barkley's thighs

after 30 minutes on the treadmill.

Ah, Jim Nance is on fire today, huh?

Man, what a great trip.

Listen, when we get home, let's just not talk about how great it was. Why?

Because Christine's going to hold this over my head as it is. The better time

she thinks I had, the more she's going to think I owe her. Okay, well, we

hide our VIP passes and that glass we got at the CBS party. Oh, and I got some

leftover shrimps.

Some what?

Some shrimps.

Some what?

Shrimps, shrimps, shrimps.

Did Jimmy get in last night?

He called to say that he was taking a later flight this morning. Really?

Well, I guess when you're in a fantastic city like New Orleans, you want to stay

as long as possible.

But of course, I'm just guessing.

I can't, Greg. I'm so sorry.

It's all right, Kim. I mean, yes, I did miss the greatest weekend of my life for

nothing, but let's not dwell on it.

Let's call it a day.

Hey,

guys. Hey!

Let's hear it. Tell us about your great trip. We want to hear it all. Don't

leave out one fantastic detail.

Yeah, Jimmy. Tell me what a good time you had.

Actually, it was horrible.

Horrible? The worst.

Really?

But your hotel was on Bourbon Street. That must have been amazing. No, it was

zoo. Okay, when we got there, our rooms weren't ready.

Okay, they lost our luggage. Everything that could have gone wrong went wrong.

It was so crowded, you couldn't move.

Interesting. But the game, the game, hey, hey, the game, that must have been

exciting probably once in a lifetime.

Never saw it.

We took a cab to the game and it broke down on the highway.

Nobody would stop for us.

We ended up having to walk to the Superdome.

And by the time we got there, the game was over.

You never even saw the game? No, man. Greg, you were so lucky you got to stay

home. If you had been with us, you would have been miserable.

You're welcome.

Where's Greg?

Oh, we had a big fight about something. Said he had to get out of here to blow

off some steam.

I rode my bicycle past your window last night.

I rolled straight into your door at daylight.

You got a brand new key.

I think that we should get together and try to not miss you.

I've been looking around the world.

You got something for me.

Oh, I got a brand new pillowcase. You got a brand new key.