Original subtitles

Let me tell you a little trick I used to do when I was a boy.

See, I'd think of someone in school I really didn't like, and I'd write his

on the ball.

So you'd think about him and hit it really hard?

Well, Dad, and if I broke a window, he'd take the beating.

Hey, guys, I got him. Four tickets to the Baseball Fan Expo.

Dominic, you're going to love it. There's baseball cards, there's games. I

think the San Diego Chicken's going to be there. Hey, I could go for a bucket

that right now.

Dad, it's a man in a chicken suit.

Put a little hot sauce on it. I'll try anything once.

Okay, here you go, buddy.

That's the way to go.

That's the way to go. Your follow -through looks real good, but your

all wrong. Put this foot out here. That way you can get around on the ball a lot

quicker. Yeah, well, just leave him the way he was, okay? He can hit from more

power that way. I taught him to stand that way. Yeah, I want to hit home runs.

Daddy says home run haters can let their bodies go.

Or you can listen to a guy who coached Johnny Bench when he played minor league

baseball. You did?

Dad, can we please get in on all that, okay?

Oh, yeah, that's right. Nobody likes a name dropper.

You know who really didn't like name droppers?

My dear friend, Willie Mays.

So what brings Big Jimmy to town?

Jimmy's parents had built up some bonus miles, so Jimmy thought they should use

them before they expired.

I thought miles didn't expire anymore.

Not the miles, his parents.

Hey, is your dad having fun out there with Dominic? Oh, yeah, he's found a

audience for his lies. He's probably out there telling him how he was president

of the United States or how he landed on the moon or how he invented chicken

cordon bleu.

Well, I kind of believe that last one, you know, he puts ham and cheese on

everything. Yeah, this morning I think I watched him invent Frosted Flakes

cordon bleu.

Well, he didn't do any of those things, and he didn't coach minor league

baseball either.

Bad enough he lied to me growing up. I don't want him lying to Dominic, too.

He told Dominic he coached minor league baseball?

Oh, yeah, yeah.

Dominic's out there thinking he's getting hitting tips from a pro. Oh,

Big Jimmy can't even hit a toilet.

I've got the slippers to prove it.

It is a lie he's been telling me since the third grade, how he taught Johnny

Bench how to hit in the minor leagues.

He even told me he had his old coach's uniform in a trunk up in the attic.

I mean, what's the big deal?

I mean, he just wants to look cool in front of Dominic.

You do the same thing.

Yes, but I am cool.

Yeah, well, there's a pair of leather pants in your closet that says

You know what? Imagine how I felt. It's like I kept bragging to my friends about

my dad, and when they didn't believe me, I brought him up to the attic to show

him his coach's uniform, except I get up there, I open the trunk, and guess

what? The only thing in there is a bunch of old playboys.

So he did you a favor. I mean, what makes you more popular in junior high

school? A dad who coached baseball or a box full of porn?

Did you ever call him on it? What was I going to say to him? I was 13 years old

and I just found out my father was a liar.

I'll tell you one thing. I never looked at him the same way again, though. And

as soon as Dominic finds out the truth, he won't either.

I hate to see the look on Dominic's face when he finds out his grandpa is a

liar. Yeah, me too.

Truth is, Big Jimmy will probably be dead by the time Dominic finds out.

What, like it's out of the realm of possibilities? You hear all those

and popping noises when he walks up the stairs?

Yeah, so?

That's not his knees, Kim. That's his heart.

Hey, where you guys been?

We took a drive over to the batting cages.

It was awesome.

The people there even gave us free pizza and soda.

They did?

Yeah. I leaned in, took a couple of pictures to the head.

I was hoping for a lawsuit, but we settled for lunch and a handful of

Well, I'm glad you guys had a good time. I would have stayed longer, but I

thought I'd better get it back since it was getting dark.

Yeah, it's two in the afternoon.

It is?

Guess I shouldn't have taken two pitches to the same temple.

Thanks for taking me, Grandpa.

Hey, that's my pleasure, pal.

If I wake up from a nap, I'll show you how to catch a curveball the same way I

taught Johnny Bates.

Hey, uh, Dominic, why don't you go out on the guest house, see what Mom and

Logan are up to, okay?

Dad, um, could you do me a favor and not talk to Dominic about all this minor

league baseball stuff, please?

Why, Dominic loves baseball.

Yes, and when he finds out you never really coach in the minor leagues, he's

going to love it anymore.

What are you talking about?

I coached for the Buffalo Bisons. I told you that. Yeah, and you also told me

that the reason I didn't get anything for Christmas when I was 10 is because

shot the Grinch on our roof and the police kept my presence as evidence.

Now, part of that was true.

Oh, yeah. Which part?

Well, there were shots fired and they kept your presence as evidence.

Look, just don't go lying to your grandson anymore, okay? I'm not lying,

No? I must have looked up your name a hundred times, and there was no record

you having coached anywhere.

Jimmy, it was Class A ball. They didn't keep records back then.

Sometimes we didn't even have a field to play on.

One time we had a play in a parking lot.

Johnny Betts almost lost a nipple sliding in the third.

Enough, Dad.

Enough, okay? There was no uniform.

What? I went up into the attic to show my friends the uniform you said was in

the trunk.

And it wasn't there.

Well, you must have looked in the wrong place. I didn't look in the wrong place.

And that was the first time I realized that my own father would lie to me.

And I don't want Dominic to find out the same thing about his grandfather.

Sure, storm out of here and turn the lights off. I'll just sit alone here in

dark.

I can't believe these card shows are so huge. I know. Hey, let's go over there.

They're giving away more keychains. Jimmy, you've already picked up 20

keychains. How many keychains could you possibly need? You don't own a house,

you don't have an office, and you start your car with a pair of pliers.

Check out how expensive all these old cards are.

Used to have a lot of these when I was a kid.

My mother threw them away so she could use the box for her recipes.

She could just find another box?

I don't know.

I told her I wanted the cards back. She told me she wanted the last ten years of

her life back.

That was usually my cue to leave the room.

Hey, Dad, can we try some of the games? Sure.

Hey, Greg, come on. You want to come over? No, but I got a call to make.

Mom, pick up. It's Greg.

Look, I know you're screening your calls. Just pick up.

All right, fine, then screen this. Does the name Jim Catfish Hunter ring a bell?

Eighty dollars!

Hey, Dominic, just back up a little bit. You're crying on the plate too much.

Grandpa said getting hit is just as good as getting hit.

Yeah, well, you know, that's exactly what I'd expect from your grandfather.

You can work hard day and night your whole life and become the best hitter

can be, or you can just stick your neck out and hope you get beamed in the head

with a fastball.

Yeah, that's what Grandpa said.

Excuse me, how much is this card worth?

$200. $200?

Excuse me.

$200.

Rod Carew, Mom, 200 big ones.

Do you hear me?

Oh, you're home.

Uh -huh.

Well, what do you have to say for yourself?

Is that right?

It was time to put away childish things, huh?

Let me ask you this. How's your collection of porcelain pigs coming

Look, Mom, I got to go.

Excuse me, you're Johnny Vince, right?

Yeah, how you doing?

I'm good. This is unbelievable.

You think I can get a couple seconds of your time?

I'm sorry. I just want to enjoy my hot dog. Yeah, hot dogs, huh? That

world -class athlete like you putting something like that in your body?

Come on, it's just a hot dog. Yeah, but you know what's in there. I mean, maybe

you should look at a little box on the back of the package that says

facts.

Look, I'm just trying to eat here. Well, go ahead and enjoy, but I'll tell you

one thing. You keep eating those things, and there's going to be one big red

machine that doesn't work so well. You call it.

Security! Listen, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. Do you know a guy named Jimmy

Hughes?

Jimmy Hughes?

Yeah, did you ever play baseball with a guy named Jimmy Hughes?

I had a coach named Jimmy Hughes in Buffalo.

Oh, my God, I don't believe that. Stay right here. I'll be right back.

Oh, by the way, what is your rookie card worth?

$125.

$125. Do me a favor. Hit redial, and when the woman answers, ask her if she

any $125 recipes for peach melba.

No, your son was rude to me, too, Natalie.

I told him I was trying to enjoy my lunch, but he wouldn't leave me alone.

Hot dog.

I know, but they didn't have turkey dogs.

No, no, I'm a Hall of Famer. I can't order a garden burger.

Bye, Natalie.

Jimmy, I would like to introduce you to Mr.

Johnny Bench.

Johnny Bench? Wow.

Nice to meet you. I'm Jimmy Hughes.

You're Jimmy Hughes?

Yeah. No, the Jimmy Hughes that coached me has to be in his 60s. What?

Yeah, I mean, he took so many fastballs to his head.

He's probably a blithering idiot by now.

Oh, my God, you know my father.

You're Jimmy Hughes' son?

I can't believe this. Dominic, this is Johnny Benz. This is the guy Grandpa

coached. Wow, Jimmy Hughes' kid.

Hey, there's a couple of guys here that would like to meet you.

Hey, Ernie.

Frank. Oh, my God, it's Ernie Banks and Frank Robinson.

I can't believe it. I had their league leader cards. I'm sick.

Johnny. Have you tried this delicious garden burger?

You're not going to believe, guys. I want you to meet Jimmy Hughes Jr.

Wow. Jimmy Hughes.

I haven't heard that name in 35 years.

You know my dad, too?

Sure. Buffalo Bison.

I can't believe this. We've got to go home and tell him right now.

Your father lives in Los Angeles? No, he's just here visiting. He was supposed

to be here today. Oh, that's too bad. We would have liked to have seen him,

wouldn't we?

Oh, yeah. Oh, man, I can't believe he's not here and this is my fault. If you

invite them, they will come.

What?

If you invite them, they will come.

What are you talking about?

If you invite us, we will come.

Thank you. Thank you very much. He never gets any of my movie references. Invite

him over, dummy. Oh, I'm sorry.

You guys want to come over?

Well, we got a few more hours here, but we're free tonight.

Would that be okay? Are you kidding me? It'd be great.

Hey, could I bother you guys to sign my glove?

It's a gardening glove.

Yeah, well, in high school, 4 -H was at the same time as baseball, but 4 -H,

they didn't make you shower in front of the other boys.

There he is.

The guy I was looking for.

Listen, if this is about me ordering that dirty movie on pay -per -view, that

was a mistake.

Now, Dad, I don't care about that.

Really?

Then don't come in here after 10 o 'clock tonight.

God, I'm dying, aren't I?

Dad, I just like hanging out with you.

I thought you were mad at me. No, I was wrong.

I thought about it, and if you say you coach in the minor leagues, then I

believe you.

You're my dad.

That's good enough for me.

Well, thanks.

If you're a mother and three blood tests in the Commonwealth of Virginia, say

you're my son.

than that for me.

Hey.

Where's Big Jimmy? Oh, uh, he's upstairs. He said he had to take a

his big night.

You're kidding. He found out about his surprise?

No, no, no. He has no idea, but apparently he has some other big thing

at 10.

What's in the bag?

Well, Jimmy wanted me to get some bats for the players to autograph.

Oh. and I also went up in the attic and brought down the bat that I made when I

was a kid. I never knew you made a bat.

Yeah, remember in the natural when Robert Redford made a bat from the tree

his backyard?

Well, it inspired me.

We lived in an apartment. We didn't have any oak trees. This is part of my bunk

bed ladder.

at some snacks and beer for you, our guest.

Wait a minute.

Jimmy's hugging me, you're making me snacks, I wake up every morning with a

bloody nose.

Quit lying to me, folks. I'm dying, aren't I?

Oh, no, no. We just like having you here.

In fact, you know those pillowcases you've been using?

Keep them.

Dad, there's some people here to see you. Who?

Remember these guys from the Buffalo Bisons?

Johnny Bench, Ernie Banks, and Frank Robinson.

Hey, guys.

How you doing, Johnny?

Jimmy Hughes.

I can't believe it. How you been, Jimmy?

Oh, pretty.

Listen, could you leave us alone just for a few minutes? Are you kidding me? I

wouldn't miss this for the world. Greg, start the camcorder. Come on, Kim. Help

me bring out the rest of the food.

So, Hughes, it's been a long time. It's been over 30 years, and none of us have

forgotten what you did to us that night in Memphis.

What did he do? Did he give some great inspirational speech to help you win the

game? He stole the team payroll and took off in our bus.

What? We had to walk five miles back to the motel.

That's the last time we ever saw you.

Listen, I was just a kid, so I made one little mistake.

You also stole all of our bats. And our gloves.

And my girlfriend.

Well, she wasn't your girlfriend. She was everybody's girlfriend.

You stole money from them and you ran off with some tramp?

Son, don't talk about your mother like that.

It's payback time, Hughes. Hey, come on. That's been a long time ago, Johnny.

Can't we just let bygones be bygones?

Look, bats.

Oh.

Did you sleep all right last night?

Yeah, I slept like a baby.

A baby that just had the snot kicked out of it.

I can't help but feel this is all my fault.

Which part? Setting me up for a beating or arming the people that did it?

Yeah, I'm sorry.

Actually, I'm glad it happened.

One less thing I have to keep looking over my shoulder for, which is good

because it can't turn my head in either direction.

You know, I think Frank Robinson...

Bit me? What is that about?

I'm sorry, sir. I'm sorry I let you down again.

I just didn't want you to know what a terrible person I was.

Are you kidding, Dad?

I always knew you were a weasel and a thief.

But until yesterday, I never really knew that you were a professional baseball

coach.

Hey, Dad, would you teach me how to catch a curveball?

I'll tell you what.

Why don't you have your grandpa teach you?

He taught Johnny Bench.

Thanks, son. Son?

Yeah?

Do me a favor.

Don't ever surprise me by calling any of my old army buddies.

Them guys got guns.

All right, this is like a long, long, long time ago. When people were going

west, like cowboys and Indians, they used to go out west. There was gold out

there. People were looking for gold.

Horace Greeley was a guy with a... He said, go west, young man.

About half the young men in Seattle drowned.

That's just humor.

But see, the problem was getting there. They didn't want to walk. It was

thousands of miles. They used to use these donkeys.

Not these. Of course, that's just a toy.

But they would take real donkeys, and then they would hook these wagons on

donkeys, and then the donkeys would pull the wagons out westward. Oh.

That's the whole idea behind that. They used to have to hit them, whip them real

hard. It may sound inhumane, but the donkeys weren't that excited about going

west.

So that's it. I'll be the, they call them mule skitters, I'll be the mule

and I'll play the part of that, and he'll play part of the donkey.

Okay, you ready?

See, I don't think it's a record.

It's all timing. Perfect timing with the crack.

Clippity -clop, clippity -clippity, clippity -clippity, clippity -cloppity,

clippity -cloppity, clippity -cloppity, clippity -cloppity, clippity -cloppity,

clippity -cloppity, clippity

-cloppity,

clippity -cloppity.