Original subtitles

No, no, I understand. These things come up.

Karen can't babysit on Valentine's Day. She's got a date.

What? It's in three days. We'll never get another sitter. Hello, Karen? I

you're making a big mistake here.

You're giving up like 50, 60 bucks.

Cash!

You put that money in the bank and in a couple of months it'll still be here.

You think this guy will still be here in a couple of months?

Come on, Karen. Wake up.

Yes, I'm sure you think he really likes you a lot, but trust me, these boys are

after one thing, and as soon as he finds out you're not going to give it to him,

he'll move on.

Oh, you already gave it to him.

Okay, well, be safe.

That's it. I don't want that girl around my child.

I don't want her around my husband.

What are we supposed to do now?

Look, you guys, we'll watch the kids. You guys go out on Valentine's Day.

You don't want to go out to dinner?

We'll do it the night before.

Food will be cheaper and Jimmy won't feel compelled to drag out the sex.

But it's Valentine's Day.

So what? I mean, what is that anyway?

It's just a plot to get people to buy flowers and jewelry.

In fact, you know what, Jimmy?

No gifts this year.

Really? Yeah, it's a waste of money.

Wow.

What a Valentine's Day.

No gifts, dinner without the kids, and I don't have to drag out the sex.

I didn't think this would happen until you were dead and the kids moved out.

I mean, um, thank you.

So, what do you think? We finally got to come to the Cheesecake Factory.

Yeah, you know, um, I gotta say I'm a little disappointed.

You know, when I heard Cheesecake Factory, I always pictured, like,

coming by on, like, big conveyor belts and, like, whistles going off.

Well, it's just a restaurant.

Yeah.

Happy Valentine's Day, honey.

Whoa. I thought we said no gifts.

Right. No gifts doesn't mean no cards.

I mean, come on, it's Valentine's Day. Who doesn't give a card on Valentine's

Day?

I know that. I was just making sure there wasn't, you know, a gift in the

Yeah, Jimmy, it's the world's flattest flat -screen TV.

Oh, I don't know. I was just being careful.

Oh.

So, don't you have one for me?

Of course I do. It's at work, on the shelf in my locker.

Why did you bring it?

Well, because it is a Valentine's Day card. I mean, I know we're having dinner

the night before, but I just, you know, I thought it'd be nice to save something

for the actual day.

Oh. You know, I mean, it just seems right, you know, to save some

But I don't know. Maybe I'm being too mushy.

No, no, no, no, no, no. You know what? You're right. Let's do it tomorrow.

Look at all these idiots at 6 o 'clock on Valentine's Day, and all of a sudden

they think, hey, maybe I should give my wife a card.

Go ahead, dummy, get in the scrum.

Oh, slim pickings.

Well, that's odd. Three weeks ago when I got mine, there was a wonderful

selection. They had everything.

You should have been here, Jimmy. They had the far side, Dilbert, the old lady

who's always smoking with her panties around her ankles.

All the classics.

Will you just shut up and help me look for a card?

Wait a minute. You think she'll like this one?

You love me when I'm good. You love me when I goof.

And so I say I love you with a woof, woof, woof.

This is a card from a dog.

This is stupid.

It's like, how do they expect to sell it? They don't even allow dogs in the

mall.

Excuse me. Do you have any more Valentine's Day cards in the back or

Oh, yeah. We got tons of them. We're saving them for Easter.

Hey, don't get mad at me just because you have to work on Valentine's Day. Oh,

I'm not mad. I'm divorced.

And seeing you morons panic every year makes me truly appreciate my cat and my

shower massager.

What about this one? You got any more like these?

That's just a display.

Yeah, I know, but it's a display for cards you sell. I mean, where are the

like these? They're being opened right now by women whose husbands cared enough

to be here weeks ago.

Hi, Greg.

Hi, Cindy.

So did you find anything?

No, the only ones left are like Spanish ones and ones that say, Happy

Valentine's Day to my favorite cousin.

No, too bad you didn't marry one of your first three girlfriends.

This thing will come down. Pull my legs. No, just let it go.

I'm not giving Christine a card from a dog.

be one display and five and a half feet of ceiling tile

that comes to $384.

Will there be anything else?

I think I'm going to get this candle.

What does it smell like? Is that green apple?

Hey, guy.

You getting ready to head out for dinner?

Yep. You're about to watch the beginning of the most romantic, passionate

Valentine's night.

Kim and I have ever had. I'd rather watch the beginning than the end.

Ted, can you imagine what that looks like?

Two skinny little bodies climbing all over each other.

It looks like a praying mantis wrestling a cricket.

What's in the bottle?

Oh, I had a perfume made for Kim. It's her own scent. It's called... Kim.

I hope it's not her scent from when she went on that cabbage soup diet.

Wow, her own perfume. I gotta hand it to you, Greg. You really are the king of

Valentine's Day. Well, I think it's important to let my wife know how much I

love her.

Plus, I like knowing that all of her mommy friends will hear about this and

maybe just for a minute fantasize about me naked.

Hey, are you ready for your big surprise?

I can't wait.

That smells amazing.

What is it?

Kim, do you like it?

Yes. What is it?

Kim.

Yes? Kim, it's a perfume.

I know that, Greg. What's it called?

Kim. Okay, time out, time out. Kim. He said Kim because that's what it is.

Kim. What? Kim.

You know what? This is trickier than you think.

No, Kim, that's the name of the perfume. I went to that shop in Beverly Hills,

and I had them create a signature scent for you. Thanks.

You really outdid yourself.

That's just the start of it, honey. I have Kim candles and Kim room

Now we can use the scent of Kim to cover up the scent of Jim.

So, you ready to do our cards now? Sure, yeah, why not?

Greg's not the only one who can overdo it on Valentine's Day, so feel free to

brag about it so your friends can picture me naked.

Oh, Jimmy, I have so few friends as it is.

Wow.

To my special someone.

Love,

Jimmy.

Love, Jimmy, that's it? I mean, it doesn't even say Happy Valentine's Day.

Well, yeah, I mean... It's a three -foot heart. I think that's implied.

You know what?

Don't bother reading it.

What? Well, because, you know, I spent a lot of time writing exactly how I feel

about you in it, but apparently this is all that matters.

Here. Love, Christine.

What's the big deal? You said you weren't into all this mushy -gushy

Jimmy, I'm not asking for flowers every weekend, all right? But, I mean, we get

one chance a year to express our true feelings. And, I mean, you've got, like,

six square feet here.

And all you can come up with is love, Jimmy?

I was just hoping to see some thought, you know? Some sincerity.

Something from the heart that said you cared.

Well, I'm pretty sure I put a couple of X's at the bottom.

Jimmy, you used to write whole paragraphs to me.

You know, but every year it's less and less, and now we're all the way down to

love Jimmy.

I mean, what's next? You're a fist bump and a you -to -man?

You could have at least tried, Jimmy.

You do know an X is a kiss.

got lucky last night?

Very lucky indeed. The waiter forgot to charge us for our creme brulee.

Oh, and I had sex.

Ooh, pancakes.

Yeah. I made them for Christine, but she's mad at me.

What'd you do?

All I wrote in her Valentine's Day card was love Jimmy.

Ooh. To make matters worse, she wrote tons of sweet stuff in mine.

Man.

I never thought I could feel this bad eating pancakes.

Look, here's what you got to do. You got to make it up to her. You got to

surprise her with something really special, something that outdoes anything

you've done for her before.

Greg, I already put chocolate chips in the pancakes. There's no more rabbits in

the hat.

You need to do something romantic, okay? I mean, in the past, I used to do some

really cool stuff for Kim.

Poems, art projects.

One time, I took some cards that she gave me, and I made the most wonderful

mobile. You know, I glued some lace and some dried roses to it, and I spelled

out, I love you in glitter.

Man, when you don't have a girlfriend through all of high school, that scar

never heals, does it?

Oh, so you decided to make an art project after all. Yeah, I don't know

else to do. I got tons of stuff I can use. I got, you know, pictures, concert

tickets. What's this?

It's a birth certificate.

Who the hell is Lobo?

It's Logan's legal name.

What? Christine was sedated and I misunderstood what she said.

Don't tell Logan.

Or Christine.

Wow, look at all these valentines. I can't believe you bothered to save them.

Yeah, it's more that I didn't bother to throw them away. It's like, you know,

you don't want your wife finding all these precious memories in the garbage,

now I got this box full of crap.

Yeah, but Christine was right to be mad at me. It's like, I've gotten lazy, but

she always takes the time to write something beautiful.

It's like, listen to this.

Well, honey, it's been quite a year.

I know we've had some ups and downs, but it's been a fun ride.

We may not have much money, but we'll always have great times.

I'm glad I'm on this ride with you.

I love you, babe.

What's going on? She wrote the exact same thing in this card.

What?

Yep. Same thing in this one, too.

Oh, my God.

You're right.

They're all the same.

It's like wild year.

Wild year, wild 12 months. Oh, wow, she really shook it up that time, huh?

Sorry, Jimmy. I mean, here you thought your wife was making such a huge effort

every year, and it turns out she's just as bad as you. I know. Is this great or

what? I can't wait to throw these in her face.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. She's already mad. Are you sure you want to

this an issue? Yes, because she's the wrong one this time. Greg, Christine is

never the wrong one. It is always me. And I have been waiting 15 long years,

this, sir... This is my moment.

Or you could just make a mobile and pretend this never happened. Never

Greg, there are certain opportunities in life you do not squander.

This is like discovering oil in your backyard or a rat head in your bucket of

chicken.

Hey, Dominic, how was your Valentine's Day at school?

It was okay. Some kids gave up cards and some kids gave up candy.

Wow. Oh, wow.

Dear Dominic, you are a nice boy and very good at kickball.

Love, Megan.

Love, huh?

Do you like her?

I think they're better if she gave me some candy.

Oh, that is so cute.

Actually, it's kind of sad.

You know, a seven -year -old girl put more time and thought into her Valentine

than my husband did.

And she can write in cursive.

Hello.

Hello.

You know what these are, honey?

They appear to be Valentine's. Yes, yes, they do. They appear to be every

Valentine's Day card you've ever given him.

You saved all of them? Every one, yeah.

I keep them in my box full of treasured memories.

I can't believe you actually kept all these. I mean, I don't know what to say.

Oh, really? Well, you know what? Actually, that seems to be a pattern

What? Well, apparently you haven't known what to say for the last 15 years.

Go ahead, read them, Christine. You wrote the exact same thing in every

Oh, that is not true.

Oh,

my

God. Keep going.

Twelve months? Don't even try it, okay? You know, maybe I wrote a lot less, but

at least it was different. And that's a lot more work than Xeroxing last year's

card. For once, you were wrong.

I can't believe this. Now, I really don't know what to say. Oh, no, I think

know what to say. It's actually a very short sentence.

It's only two words.

All these years, and you're just noticing this now?

The first word is...

I'm... How could you not know that I wrote the same thing every year, Jimmy?

mean, did you even read them? What's wrong with you? No, no, no, no, no, no.

were the wrong one this time. This is my moment.

Jimmy, we're both wrong. Okay, fine, we're both wrong, but can we just not

about it anymore? They're just cards.

Jimmy, it's not about the cards. It's about us. Oh, here we go. Oh, Jimmy,

on. I am, like, the least romantic woman in the world, all right? But... This is

the one time a year that we should tell each other how we feel. You know how I

feel about you. Yes, but if we go long enough without saying it, then pretty

soon it's going to feel weird when we do. What do you want from me? What?

Please, tell me.

I want us both to sit down with a pen and a paper and write out exactly how we

feel about each other.

What? Come on, sit down.

Bet you wish you made that milk. Shut up.

Oh, Greg, we should do that, too.

What's that?

You know, we always do nice gifts and dinners, but it's like Christine said.

It's the one time a year we should stop and really express how we feel.

I have some blank cards in the drawer.

Go ahead, Greg. Sit down.

This is going to be great.

This is going to be a disaster. And you tell me about it. I don't even have my

thesaurus or my rhyming dictionary.

Did anybody else hear the baby crying?

No.

Jimmy, stop it.

Sorry.

Done. Me too.

I'm ready. You see me?

Yeah, I guess I'm just polishing a turd here.

Okay, who's first? Kim?

Who makes me smile every day?

You.

Who makes me laugh like no one else?

You.

Who makes me believe in true love?

You.

Who makes me, me, you?

Oh, thank you.

I didn't know we could use questions. I was doing answers. That's harder.

Okay, I'll go next. Mine's a poem.

No, just, well, maybe.

Better sitting.

A pretty girl, a melody in me.

Our life's a song, the tune, our family.

We write a new life lyric every day.

Love's words we feel.

but often fail to say.

And so I say them now for you to hear.

You are my soul, my heart, my life, my dear.

I

need a new

one.

Jimmy, just read what you have.

Yeah, no one expects yours to be as good as mine or Kim's or even a chimp's,

really.

I really couldn't think of anything, so I just kept coming back to this.

We gotta hold on to what we got.

Doesn't make a difference if we make it or not.

We've got each other, and that's a lot.

For love, we'll give it a shot. Oh, oh, we're halfway there. Oh, oh, living on a

prayer. That's a Bon Jovi song, Jimmy.

I can't believe you wrote that.

Either.

But I wrote two.

Oh, we're halfway there. Oh, oh, living on a prayer.

Take my hand and we'll make it, I swear.

Oh, oh, living on a prayer.

Ooh -ah, ooh -ah, ooh -ah, ooh -ah, ooh -ah, ooh -ah, ooh -ah. I love you,

honey. I love you, too.

Happy Valentine's Day.

That is so sweet.

They're soulmates.

Look, I know you wrote this fast, but you misspelled believe.

I'll fix it.

Do you know what today is?

I sure do.

Happy Valentine's Day.

Oh, thank you so much. You're so sweet.

You love me when I'm good.

You love me when I goof.

And so I say I love you with a woof, woof, woof.

Love, Buster.

That's it? All you wrote was love, Buster?

Biscuit, I'm a dog.

You know how hard it was to sneak into the mall?

I know, but lately it seems like things have changed.

You hardly ever sniff my ass anymore.

Oh, God, here we go.