Original subtitles

Okay.

Okay.

All right, Mom, I'll pick you up at the airport.

Your parents are coming to visit again?

Why? They were just here when Emily was born.

My father's going to be on Jack.

What? My mom went to a silent auction and won my dad a walk -on role.

I can't believe your dad is going to be on TV.

I can't believe my mom won a competition with the word silent in it.

Well, I hope that they don't mind sleeping on the couch.

Now that Emily has her own room, we're out of space.

No, no, my parents aren't sleeping on the pull -out couch. This is my house.

having guests. They're staying in the guest house.

Greg, we already have guests in the guest house.

Jimmy and Christine, they're not guests. They're squatters.

I know that because they've been here so long and have gotten so comfortable

that I've actually seen each one of them squat.

Well, you can't just kick them out of the guest house. At least let me talk to

them and drop a few hints about how crowded it's going to be. Maybe they'll

volunteer.

Hey. Hey.

Hey.

All right. You got two minutes.

Where you guys been? We were test driving the new Mercedes.

Oh, I'm sorry. I haven't read this morning's financial page yet. Did the

of gold flip -flop with the price of belly button went?

They don't know we can't afford it. See, we sit the kids in the free daycare,

and then, you know, Jimmy and I take a nice long drive up the coast.

But doesn't the salesman come with you?

Armando? Yeah, he can.

Turns out he's doing some Mary Chick up in Malibu.

Greg's parents are coming to town.

Really? Looks great.

Since it's going to be so crowded, looks like Greg's parents are going to have

to sleep on the couch.

I hope it isn't going to be an inconvenience for anyone, them sleeping

couch. Oh, don't be silly.

They'll fold it up during the day, right? Yeah.

And time. Look, you guys are going to have to sleep on the couch and put Logan

in with Dominic. I want my parents to stay in the guest house while they're

here. Fine. No problem.

You guys don't mind?

No, it's your house. Why would we mind?

Kim was afraid to ask you. Really?

Kim, I've got to say, I'm a little insulted.

Yeah, Kim, you know, we're all family here, okay? If you want something, just

ask. You don't have to beat around the bush.

I told you.

You guys are right. I'm sorry.

We're all adults here, Kim. You don't have to play games.

I knew we should have gotten out of here the second time she mentioned how

crowded it was going to be.

Didn't you feel me kicking you underneath the table?

What are you guys doing?

We're in bed.

Not even 8 o 'clock yet.

I know.

But, you know, we usually put the kids to sleep and then sit on the couch and

watch TV until 11 .30 and then go to bed.

Now that this is our bed, we skip the step.

Since it's a little time.

Hey, so what time are Greg's parents getting here?

Oh, they should be here any minute.

Well, I guess you're looking forward to having an extra pair of hands around

when Greg's mom gets here. Yeah, right, if she ever takes her hands out of her

pocket.

What, she's not helpful?

Oh, if I ask her to do anything, she just talks about how whatever I want her

help with is unnecessary.

When Greg was a baby, he didn't need to be rocked to sleep.

Greg didn't need to be constantly held. Greg didn't need so much attention.

Well, at least now we know why Greg did need therapy.

You know, I wouldn't worry about her being around here that much. I got a

who works security over on JAG. He says they shoot all day over there. She will

hardly ever be here.

Good. Because if she were here all day, I'd be shooting hag.

Really?

Nothing? It's okay, Kim. You're cute. You don't have to be funny.

If she were here all day, I'd give her a walk -on role to walk on out of here.

Come on.

Hey. Hey.

What's up, David and Ellie? Welcome. Hey, I'll go put your bags in the guest

house. I trust it's clean.

Yes, it's clean. Is it clean?

Yes, it's clean.

Did you clean it? Yes, I cleaned it.

Hi.

Hey. Yeah, Tom, you're going to be on TV tomorrow, huh? Are you excited?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Gee, I haven't done any acting since I was a child,

though. Oh, me too.

I didn't know you did children's theater.

Oh, no, no, no. No, no, no. My dad never would have stood for that. No, he said,

you know, boys play sports.

No, I used to just act by myself up alone in my room, you know.

No, you know, things out of, like, South Pacific, West Side Story.

But I think I did my best acting, really, was I would stay up there and,

pretend I was asleep when I'd hear my dad coming up the stairs because he

beat me something fierce.

Fond memories, I'll tell you.

So I'm sure you guys are going to have a great time tomorrow.

Oh, no, no, no. I'm not going to go.

What? Well, I don't want to sit around on some TV set all day.

Why? Why? Why? It'll be fun.

Yeah, yeah, I know, but...

I like Jag, and I don't want to, you know, spoil the magic.

Greg got us into a taping of Frasier. Did you know that that dog is not even

looking at that old guy?

He's staring at the fellow with the treats.

So what are you going to do all day?

I don't know. Probably just hang out here with you and the kids.

Great. We'll just hang out here at the house.

Or we'll be having our own episode of Jag, Judgmental Aggravating Grandmother.

Nice.

Can you believe it? Can you believe you're on a Hollywood soundstage?

I can't believe I'm out of the house.

Boy, you know, since I retired, your mom and I just sit around and watch our

body parts fight gravity.

I don't want to say anything, but gravity two, mom zero.

Well, that's great, Dad. I'm glad doing this makes you happy. Yeah, yeah, I

guess this isn't such a big deal to you. I mean, you're used to this Hollywood

glamour. Well, you know, when you're a player in Hollywood like I am, it's

pretty easy to become nonchalant. Oh, my God, there's Catherine Bell.

You knew?

I've never seen you before.

Oh, yeah, it's my first day.

You sag?

A little.

Not as much as my wife, though.

I mean, Screen Actors Guild.

Oh, the union thing. No, no, no, no. My wife got me this in a charity event.

Oh, so you've never done this before.

No, no, no, no.

Well, I guess you don't have a move yet.

A move?

Oh, yeah. We all have moves to help us get noticed.

Bill likes to check his watch.

Shirley's very good at just nodding and agreeing.

Right, Shirley?

So, what's your move?

Oh. I like to clean my glasses.

Oh! Oh, that's a good one. Yeah.

Can't have it. It's mine.

Yeah, oh, yeah.

Sorry, well, I didn't mean to, you know, but that is a beauty. Yeah, boy.

And to give yourself a big red handkerchief, you could really draw

to... But I... I realize that that's your move.

Yes.

So, uh, you guys ever have any lines?

Oh, no. If you talk on camera, they have to pay you big money.

Oh. Unless five or more of us say something at the same time, then for

reason they don't have to pay us.

But that doesn't mean we're not actors.

I mean, just because we're not right in front of the camera talking doesn't mean

we shouldn't be treated with respect and dignity.

All right, listen up, extras. Anybody willing to be dunked in ice -cold water,

please, follow me. Oh, my God, that's like a $3 bump.

is not even on.

Hey. Hey.

What are you doing? Kids are at a friend's house and Jimmy has the

off, so I thought we'd take a nap.

In the living room?

Hey, we're already making a big concession. We don't really want to take

Hey, whatever.

Look, Natalie, could you turn off the TV? I don't like him watching videos all

day long.

We only watched one.

Let's sleep.

when they start talking, isn't it?

It's just that he loves to snuggle up and watch videos with his nanny.

Well, I'm sure he'd love to snuggle up reading with his nanny, too.

Here, he loves these books.

Okay, we'll do some reading.

Sammy, do you really want your nanny to read these big old long books where none

of the pictures move, or would you rather watch some more TV?

I'd like some more TV.

I knew that.

And he knows Sammy better than his mommy, huh?

Should we say something?

Yeah.

Natalie? Natalie, Sammy's favorite show is MTV Crib.

Hey. Hey, I was being an extra.

Actually, they prefer to be called background actors. Trust me, I got an

in the car.

Really? Yeah. Well, you know, the term extra kind of implies like you're really

not needed, you know, like you're extra.

It's kind of demeaning.

Really? I always saw the word extra as a positive thing that makes your life

better. You know?

Like, uh, extra cheese.

No, you know, extra... cheese.

Hey, wait until you see the tape of that scene. He was a real natural.

Yeah, it's just rough cut. Hey, rough cut. Very Hollywood, Tom.

Lightning in a bottle, people.

The result?

Commander Ridley recklessly dropped a precision -guided bomb.

But not on the enemy.

On British soldiers killing three.

His excuse was he claimed self -defense.

That someone was firing at him. But there are no other witnesses who can

corroborate that.

Colonel, this sounds more like a closing argument.

Please confine your opening to a preview of evidence you plan to submit.

I thought I was, Your Honor.

Oh, man, that was great, Tom. Yeah, I felt pretty good out there, I'll tell

Oh, well, I'm glad you enjoyed yourself. We can show that tape to Joy Marshall

when we get home tomorrow night. She thinks her daughter is so special. Since

she got on 60 Minutes that time, anybody can have their identity stolen.

Well, you're not going back tomorrow, Mom.

What? What?

Go ahead, Dad. Tell them the big news.

Yeah, they like me so much, they're going to use me in next week's episode.

You're kidding.

No,

I guess all those years standing in front of the mirror singing Officer

with one foot wedged against the door so my drunk father couldn't come in really

paid off.

Well, so what does this mean? How long are you going to be here?

Well, I don't know. They said they might use me quite a bit. Oh, but you're

supposed to fly out tomorrow morning on flight 147 at 10 .02 a .m.

Aren't they going to charge you to change your ticket?

Well, maybe a hundred bucks, you know, but now that I'm a professional

background actor, all I have to do is dunk me in ice water 30 times and I'm

even.

When your dad says they might start using him a lot, what does that mean?

How long could they be out here?

I don't know. Could be a couple of months. I mean, he's on a jury of

Every time I've seen the show, there's always a trial. I don't think that's

going to work.

The show's been on for nine years. People love it.

No, it's not going to work for me.

I can't be stuck here every day with your mother.

What do you mean? Doesn't she help out with the kids?

Oh, yeah, she helps out.

She helps them watch videos all day long.

She'll mess up the house. Yesterday, she helped herself to three of my Tylenol

PMs at two in the afternoon.

That's two in the afternoon. That is p .m. Come on, let's not make her out to

Judy Garland.

She's driving me crazy.

Kim, she loves her grandchildren and barely ever gets to see them. This time

very important to her. I know. And I don't mind walking around here with a

plastered on my face, cleaning up after her for a couple of days.

But it's not fair of you to ask me to put up with your mother for a couple of

months. Oh, really?

Really, do you think it's fair that I've had to put up with your sister and her

mooch of a husband for the past two and a half years?

Greg, that's different. I'd be stuck here all day with her. It's not fair.

It's not fair. You want to know what's not fair?

Half a couch.

The constant smell of feet. Having to watch Jackass instead of the nightly

because I'm outvoted.

That's my life, Kim. And that's not fair.

You know what? I'm... I'm sick of you always complaining about Jimmy and

Christine living here when in reality it hardly affects your life at all. Excuse

me. I'm sorry. All the other bathrooms are occupied and I got a bit of an

emergency brew in here.

Have fun with my mother.

You're killing me, Jimmy!

Trust me, it's no picnic in here either.

Morning. Morning.

He's still asleep. It's nine o 'clock.

Nine o 'clock?

What the hell am I doing up?

Look, you guys, I mean, this is fine for the guest house, but you can't sleep

all day here in the living room. Jimmy, come on.

Come on, Jimmy, get up.

Jimmy, get up.

Greg, it's no use.

I mean, his body physically won't wake up. It's like he's hibernating.

Jimmy, get up.

I don't believe it.

Do you ever worry you might be dead?

Yes, I do, before he got life insurance.

Natalie, would you mind taking Sammy upstairs and getting him changed? He

spilled ketchup on his shirt.

Sure, no problem.

Come here, Sammy.

Come here, sweetie.

There we go.

You don't even need a shirt, do you?

You are Tom Sawyer.

Look at you.

Run along and play now. Let Nanny finish her coffee.

Hey, do we have any matches? I'm trying to wake Jimmy up.

Good morning, sweetie.

Oh, good morning.

How'd you sleep?

Good. You know, it's very nice out there in the guest house.

Well, just so you know, you and Dad can stay here as long as you want.

You know, Greg, that's very sweet of you, but really, I've been trying to

your father into heading back home.

Really? Well, he won't budge. We had a big argument about it. He refuses.

So stay. I mean, what's the big deal if you stick around for a while? We

shouldn't stay here that long.

Our life is in Virginia.

Your life is in Virginia. Greg, their life is in Virginia.

Mom, now that you guys are retired, there's no reason that you can't stay as

long as you want.

Dad, what are you doing?

Huh? Oh, I'm working on my craft. I'm practicing being in the background, you

know, and trying to get better at fake talking, too.

You know, one of the guys on the set said, just keep mouthing peas and

peas and carrots, but I can't help thinking that some deaf guy's out there

watching TV saying, why is that guy saying peas and carrots, peas and

Oh, you guys keep talking.

I mean, see, Dad's having a good time, and I like having you here. Plus, you

finally get to spend some real quality time with Emily and Sam.

Greg, you know, I really love the children. I do. But such a long stay,

it's just a little bit too much of a good thing.

Well, what are you saying? You don't like spending time with your

I like spending some time.

I guess I'm just a little burnt out.

You've only been here two days. Yeah, it's enough already.

I'm sorry, was that too big of my drawing focus from you people?

No, Tom, you're doing a great job. Why don't you go mingle with the

for a while?

Tom, I can't believe this. You're their grandmother. You should want to spend

every minute of the day with them. Greg, we can't tell her how to feel. And

Natalie, you shouldn't have to pretend you want to be here. No, and you

shouldn't have to pretend that you like having me here. Oh, God bless you.

No, no, no, no, no, no.

She does have to pretend to like you. You're my mother, and she's my wife, and

that's your job, and you need to keep pretending that you like the

grandchildren. What the hell is wrong with you people?

Dad finally found something that he enjoys, and we need to support him. And

that means the two of you living alive for the next month or two, then that's

what's going to happen.

Thank you.

Damn, see, I talked. Oh, boy, now we've got to take it from the top.

Uh, Greg.

Try to lose a little bit of that anger. Oh, Natalie, let's try to emote a little

bit more.

Okay, people, here we go from the top.

Lightning in a bottle.

Action!

Well, it's over.

What? It's over. The dream is over.

What do you mean it's over? I thought you were going to be a regular.

So did I. Here.

What do you see what those stupid writers did?

I'd like to call for an immediate mistrial.

Mistrial? Mistrial?

Is this in the best interest of the case?

No, Your Honor, but I think it's in the best interest of my country.

On what grounds?

On the grounds that that man is a spy.

A spy?

Get him out of my courtroom!

What do you think they'll do with him?

Trust me.

Won't be paying him again.

I don't believe it. Doesn't make any sense. You know, Commander Carl never

betray his country.

Commander who?

Commander Carl. That was my character name.

Also made up what they call a little backstory for him.

He was a lifetime Navy man.

Lost a leg in Nam.

Not in combat. He was in one of those hoochie bars and things got a little

crazy.

Well, I'm so... I'm so sorry that you'll probably be leaving now.

Oh, and I'm so sorry that we have to be leaving, but if I pack quickly, we can

probably still make that 415 plane.

I'll help you.

Hey, Tom, what was that thing you were doing to your glasses?

Oh, that was my move.

Yeah, yeah, you see, Commander Carl made breakfast for his family, and one of

the twins splashed maple syrup on him, so he has to take out the hanky, and he

would... It doesn't matter. It's over.

End of story.

Fade out.

Hi. I'm Tim Conway. Well, tonight we had a little fun exploring the world of

background actors.

But you know something? The truth is that almost every big star you love made

his first film appearance as a background performer.

Well, take me for instance.

My first appearance was in the background of a western.

From there, I was hired to be in the background of a war movie.

After that, I got my big break being in the background of a big gladiator movie.

So, the next time you watch your favorite TV show or movie, you be sure

watch that background because, well, one of those actors back there might well

be the next Tim Conway.