Original subtitles

Give it! No!

It's mine!

Dominic, let go of your brother.

Not until he lets go of my toy.

Dominic!

Dominic! Let go!

Let go of me! Yeah, yeah, it's not so fun when somebody's picking on you, is

huh?

Not until he lets go of Logan. Come on, let go of him. Let go of him.

Not until he lets go of Logan.

Let go of him.

Must have been an odd number of sausages this morning.

What are you guys doing? Just moving some old boxes to the garage.

What's in the boxes? Just some bank statements, bill stubs, and tax files.

you're ever curious what those things look like, let me know.

You know something, Greg? Shouldn't you be asking me for help instead of

insulting me? I mean, I don't think I've seen you strain that hard since you

tried to prove you could do more push -ups than Kim.

Very funny. That was a while ago. You'd be surprised how strong my back's gotten

carrying around you and your family all these years.

Oh, well, that's that. I'll be watching TV.

Wait.

Greg, what are you doing? You can't just leave those there.

Why not?

Where am I going to park my car?

Where's it parked now?

On the street.

I'd go with that.

park on the street so our guest linens can have a roof over their head. Come

find a place for those.

Fine.

Okay, there. I'll be on the couch.

What are we going to do with this box?

Well, it's a low box.

You can park right over it.

All right, we're running out of room.

I think we need to go through this stuff for charity. You know, we should give

away the stuff we don't use anymore.

Okay, I'll start with the TV, the couch, and my ass.

Hey, here's some stuff we don't need anymore.

You want to get rid of Sammy's old baby clothes?

Are you willing to commit right now to the fact that we're never having any

children?

Sure, sure, why not?

So basically, you're willing to get a vasectomy just so you can go inside and

sit on the couch.

That's what it takes.

All right, what is all this stuff?

That's all my stuff before we moved in together.

Oh, Greg, let's get rid of this stuff. You haven't opened this since we were

married. Well, what if I need some of that stuff?

It's all junk.

Do you really need a 1989 guide to youth hostels?

Half of these countries don't even exist anymore.

Well, fine, fine. I'll get rid of all my stuff, but you have to take it there.

I'm not spending Saturdays schlepping around a bunch of boxes.

Fine, I'll take you to the thrift shop.

But if you're staying here, you need to get Emily up from her nap, feed her,

change her, and give her a bath.

And I promised Demi we'd do an art project together.

Magic markers?

Glitter and glue.

Give me the damn box.

I have a whole carload of stuff I'd like to donate.

Yeah, yeah. Leave it out front. Here's your tax receipt.

Well, shouldn't you fill out how much this stuff is worth? I already signed

bottom. You put whatever you want.

Well, that's just wrong. I mean, what if everybody did that? Everybody does.

Well, do you know you could be arrested and lose your job?

I'm here because I got arrested and lost my job.

Well, I'm not falsifying tax records. I'm a CPA. I could lose my fee for that,

and I'd be out on my A.

The guy's got the opposite. He'll love that one.

Fine. Let's see what you got. Okay.

All right.

Assorted crap. $20.

Hey, you can't just lump everything in like that. You'd even look at what I

Hey, come on, that's delicate. That's one of the first Texas instrument

calculators. Be careful with that.

What, you're worried it's not going to bring in the full nickel?

What is this, a raft or something? No, that's my inflatable couch. Every Sunday

in college, I used to watch football on that thing, and I always passed out

before the end of the game.

I used to drink a lot in college, too.

No, it had a slow leak. I'd spend every commercial trying to blow it back up. By

the second half, I'd be like...

That's my collection of mixtapes. Oh.

Well, we probably can get a buck for the key.

Hey, hey, what are you doing? It took me a long time to make those.

Greg's wild road trip.

Greg's three -mile run.

Greg's long, slow, hot bath. Actually, that's a duplicate. The original got a

little hot wax on it.

What are you doing? You know what? Give me those baths. Okay.

Hey, hey, whatever.

Hey, look,

look, I'm sorry.

Hey, why don't you go home and take a long, slow, hot bath?

Emily must be going through a growth spurt or something. I feel like I'm

whipping my breasts out every 15 minutes.

It's like being married to Jimmy.

At least Emily doesn't squeeze them together and put glasses on them.

Hey.

Hey.

Did you take everything to the thrift shop?

Yeah, yeah.

Do you remember to get a receipt?

Well, you know, I really don't believe in that. I mean, is it really charity

when you're asking the government for money in return?

Greg, I once saw you ask a homeless man to sign a note verifying you gave him

half a turkey sandwich.

That was a liability issue, Kim. I mean, I don't need somebody choking on a

pickle and coming after my house.

Did you pack it all up? Yes, most of it's in the back. You know, I don't

understand why I have to give all my stuff to charity, too.

Because, Jimmy, we don't have any room, and you don't use any of it.

The only reason we let you keep that old air hockey table was because we needed

a place to change Logan's diapers.

Why didn't you just put him on the bed?

Because the bed doesn't have 200 little air jets that give him that post -wipe

blow -dry.

Come on, Jimmy, I'll take you down to the thrift shop. It's not as bad as you

think. I know. I'm going to miss this stuff, though. Trust me. You'll get over

it.

Yeah, Jimmy, you'll get over it. You always do.

Like... When you thought it was the end of the world when they discontinued the

McRib?

Thanks a lot, Christine. I had forgotten about that.

Man, McRib.

Even the bones are made of meat.

Hey, Greg, I thought we were going to go donate this stuff, okay? This is a

storage facility.

Are you going to tell me what's going on?

I'm not going to tell you.

I'm going to show you.

I can't believe it, man. You kept everything?

I know. My own little utopia. It's perfect. Excuse me.

Stupid couch.

You okay?

Yeah. Yeah, I...

Probably not the best furniture for somebody with asthma.

This is fantastic, man. This is like your own clubhouse.

Yeah, but here's the thing.

We can never tell Kim.

Why, are you keeping your porn in here or something? No.

What do you keep it, man? Because I've been looking for it since we moved in.

Kim thinks all this stuff is stupid. I just don't want her to know, okay?

Oh, hey, no problem, man. Hey, I'm just touching you. Let me in on your little

secret. It was either that or get my own air hockey table. Come on, let's plug

it in. Let's get it on. Oh, man.

Dude, this is so great.

Hey, how long do you think we got till we gotta head back home? Well, if we

them it's traffic, I'm thinking we have another 45 minutes, or as I like to call

it, the entire A -site of Greg's Spring Break 88.

Get out of my dream.

Get out of my dream.

Get out of my dream.

Get out of my dream. Well, Greg, I think we should shut this door.

Hey, man, where you been?

I was at the storage unit.

Again?

Yeah. Kim sent me out for groceries, so I snuck over there for a half hour. I

hooked up my Atari 2600 to an old black -and -white TV.

Man, why didn't you call me? Well, I thought she might answer.

What game were you playing?

Defender. I almost hit high score, but I thought I heard a rat, and I ran.

Hey, you're back. What took you so long?

You know, lines, traffic.

Depending the universe.

Well, I finally finished all the thank you notes for Emily's baby gift. All I

have to do is mail them out in the morning.

You know what? I can mail them. I can mail them right now.

Well, you just got back. I don't want to make you go out again.

Well, she's my daughter too, Kim. I'd like to think that one day I would be

to tell her that I helped out with all the thank you notes.

Greg, I filled out 75 thank you notes while you sat on the couch and watched

real world marathon.

Kim, it's hard to look away when people stop being polite and start getting

real.

And I feel terrible about that. That's why I'm going to mail all these tonight.

In fact, a few of the local ones I might even deliver personally.

I'll help.

Fine. Knock yourself out.

Jimmy, I need you to give the boys their bath.

I can't. Can I help Greg mail these envelopes?

Why does Greg need help mailing envelopes?

Because he's family. That's why.

Well, your boys are family, too, and they just had a dog -do fight, so let's

There'll be other times.

I know.

Have fun.

I will.

Look out for the rat.

He said you went for lunch two hours ago.

I was blowing up the couch. I must have passed out.

Hey, this place is looking awesome.

I got to tell you, man, this is a pretty sweet place. You got to be the only guy

smart enough to think of something like this.

What's that?

Huh?

Sounds like it's coming from in here.

Nothing. We just heard the music coming from in there, and I thought I'd

introduce myself.

I'm your storage neighbor, Greg.

I'm Jimmy.

Wow. Nice to meet you.

What are you... What are you doing in there?

Why, what are you doing in there?

Just hanging out with all my old stuff. You know, playing some air hockey, some

old video games.

Oh, okay.

That's why I come to listen to my record collection.

Oh, man.

You got a lot of records.

Yeah, I got everything.

I got love songs, I got tender love songs, sexy love songs.

Curl up with your honey on a rainy afternoon love song.

I bet your wife won't let me keep him in the house.

So does your wife know about this place?

Nah, no idea.

I'm here maybe three, four hours a day. How do you get away with it?

She thinks I'm on dialysis.

So what do you tell your wife?

Ah, different things. You know, groceries, dropping off the mail.

Yeah, see, you can get away with that for a while, but pretty soon you're

to have to come up with something more substantial.

Yeah, you should talk to Howard.

He started off the same way you did with Aaron and stuff like that.

He's kept it going for years.

Who's Howard?

You haven't met Howard?

Huh.

Hey, I'm Jimmy. I'm just visiting.

So, uh, you're into Star Wars, huh?

Oh, well, yeah, I like all sorts of science fiction, but, uh, Star Wars.

Man, how lucky are we to be alive during this era? Yeah.

Star Wars and Penicillin, we've had quite a run.

Hey, you know, I actually think I had one of these action figures when I was a

kid, huh?

I'm sorry.

It's just I have them all in their exact positions from the Battle of Endor.

It took me like two weeks.

Okay.

You know what? We got to get back to doing what we were doing. Hey, nice

you guys.

Yeah. Oh, remember, Jedi only uses the Force for knowledge and defense.

Hey, preach into the choir.

Can you believe those losers?

Pathetic. That is truly pathetic.

All right, man, listen.

I'll see you at work. All right, I'll see you in a bit. I'm just going to hang

out here and straighten up a little.

Uh, he went out. He said he had to run some errands for you.

That's so weird.

What? It just seems like every night he's asking to go do all my errands for

This is terrible.

Next thing you know, he'll be giving you multiple orgasms.

I'm not joking, Christine.

I was cleaning out Greg's pocket so I could do the laundry.

I found this piece of paper with an address on it. Let me see.

149 Sotel, Unit B.

Come on, Kim, what do you think? Having an affair?

Well, the address says bring battery.

Well, that's a pretty lazy affair.

I'm not sure this is funny, Christine.

Oh, come on, Kim. I mean, I can't even imagine Greg sleeping with another

And the guy doesn't even have any porn.

Trust me, we've been looking for it since we moved in.

Hello? Oh, hi, Greg.

Oh.

Okay.

Sure, I'll see you when you get home.

What'd he say?

He said the one -hour photo place messed up the film. He's gonna be another

hour.

Yeah, so?

Kind of like he was at a parade or something.

You know what? I'm gonna go find out what's going on.

Hey, if it turns out Greg's one of those guys with two separate families, see if

the other family has a bigger guest house.

What are you doing?

I... You were... It's not what you think.

Oh, good.

For a second there, I thought you were playing air hockey with a giant monkey.

I'm not a monkey.

I'm a Wookiee.

Howard, Howard, maybe you should leave.

You thought Sharper Image would charge $1 ,200 for a monkey suit?

This is all your stuff from the garage, isn't it?

I'm sorry. I just couldn't give it to those people at the thrift store.

Greg, you had me thinking all kinds of things. I found this address in your

pants. I thought you were cheating on me.

Kim, I would never cheat on you. I'd lose half my house.

And all of you.

Greg, you are cheating on me. You're cheating on me with your old stuff. Oh,

come on. You're sneaking off to spend time here instead of with your family.

Isn't that cheating?

Well, if it is, I've wasted a lot of time playing air hockey when I could

been having sex.

You know, if this stuff was that important to you, then why didn't you

something in the first place?

Well, I didn't know it was important to me until I took it to the thrift shop,

and I couldn't give it away.

So why didn't you come home and tell me? I don't know. I don't know.

I guess I was embarrassed. I was worried that maybe if I told you I wanted to

keep the stuff that you would make fun of me.

And here at this... concrete bunker underneath the freeway, we don't judge

other.

I wouldn't judge you.

I've got a few thoughts about Monkey Boy over there.

I would never judge you.

But you said all this stuff was junk.

I'm sorry.

That's before I knew it was important to you. You hadn't looked at it in ten

years.

But if it's important to you, it's important to me, too.

So what are you saying? I can keep all this stuff?

Yeah. But not here. I don't want you leaving the house to see your stuff.

So I'm bringing the stuff home?

Yeah, why not?

We'll bring the other boxes in here and we'll set your stuff up in the garage.

Really? Yeah.

Just promise me that if you're going to hang the Bananarama poster that you'll

keep the garage door shut.

I wouldn't judge you, but the neighbors might.

Thank you.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. It's just, you don't know how many nights I've sat here

wishing my wife would come down and tell me to pack up the Millennium Falcon and

come home.

Hey.

Well, I set up all my old stuff in the garage.

See, it's just as good as when you had your own storage space.

Yeah.

Almost.

You don't know what you've got until it's gone.

And I found out.