Original subtitles

Okay, boys, this is Mommy's study time, so be very quiet, okay? We're just going

to get a snack, and then we're going to get out of here.

Thank you. Oh, you're welcome. I told him I'd keep him out of your way. I know

how much studying that you... Just a second.

You're not studying!

What are you, Cosmo?

Maybe that's part of my class.

Oh, really? Yeah, like you really have a class on seven tongue tricks to make

your man go crazy.

Mommy's studying, boys, okay? Leave her alone.

Hey, guys, you gonna stick around for some of Greg's turkey chili? Yeah, come

on, Jimmy. Blow our minds. Say no.

Hey, I will have you know that I was about to take my family out for a very

expensive... I'm sorry, I can't do it. Give me some chili.

Oh, hey, don't put any jalapenos in mine.

I had some jalapenos once when I was breastfeeding Sammy.

When I changed his diaper, I took my nail polish right off.

I'm really impressed, Greg. You've been cooking all weekend.

Oh, that's not all. He did the laundry. He did a bunch of diapers.

He even helped out with the midnight feeding.

Oh, well, you better lay off the jalapenos too there, hot nips. Cut it

Sorry to see you go back to work tomorrow. Yeah, me too, but it's not

have a choice.

Oh, well, actually, you do. The studio has paternity leave. He could take two

weeks off if he wanted to. Two weeks? Did you know about that?

Yeah, but I think that's just for, you know, single fathers or same -sex

partners or Native Americans.

Oh, no, it's actually in the manual with all the studio rules.

Any man with full -time employment can take two weeks paid leave to help with a

new baby. You read the studio policy manual. Somebody stole a Playboy out of

Gate 7.

Wow, two paid weeks off?

Hey, you should do this. Come on, nobody takes paternity leave. They just put it

in there to cover themselves legally.

Two weeks of sitting around doing nothing, getting paid for it?

Just thinking about it makes me want to knock up Christine again.

Ah, the wonder and magic of creating a new life.

You know, Greg, I could really use the help around here during the week.

Kim, I'm an executive. I can't take paternity leave. People might talk.

Yeah, how awful. People gossiping that you care more about your family than

job. Yeah, exactly.

Excuse me?

Kim, that's how you play the game, all right? At work, you make them think that

work is more important. At home, you make them think that home is more

important.

When in reality... In reality, I'll be taking paternity leave.

It looks like you're going for a record, sir.

No!

Damn it, Warner, this better be important.

Well, sir, I wanted to talk to you about our policy regarding paternity leave.

Paternity leave? Yes, sir. Do we have that?

Yes, sir, we do.

It's right here.

Section 12, paragraph J.

Oh, right. The legal department made us do that to cover our ass.

I mean, what kind of man would ask for paternity leave?

Oh, uh...

I don't know, sir.

Perhaps a man who's strong enough not to buckle under society's pressure.

Perhaps a man strong enough to pave his own way.

A lone crusader, unafraid... It's you, isn't it? Yes, sir. Yes,

me and my wife, Kim, had a baby. Her name is Emily, and... Yeah, yeah, well,

tell my secretary she'll get you something from the gift closet. Tell

shelf and below.

So it's okay to take the time off? The paternity leave, sir?

Well, of course I'm going to say yes. I could get sued if I don't.

Thank you. Thank you very much. You really want to thank me?

Here, take this.

It's too distracting. I can't get any work done.

Oh, okay.

And keep it away from me. I'm going to grow mad. I mean, for crying out loud, I

can't be addicted to a stupid toy. I never want to see that idiotic thing

No problem, sir. I understand.

Warner? Yes, sir? Forget what I said. Give me back the toy.

Oh, I can't. Come on, just one last game and then I'm done. I'm sorry, I can't

do that.

Damn it!

I'm your boss. Do what I say.

Damn it, water!

He's good.

So did Emily go down for her nap?

Yeah, no problem.

You might say she's sleeping like a Jimmy.

Really?

She's snoring and has one hand down her diaper.

Yep.

In a bed that we own.

So, what do you want me to do now? What's my next paternity leave task?

Well, I'd love it if you could wipe down some dolls.

What?

My mom sent me my doll collection for Emily, but they're filthy. So just take

their clothes off and wipe them down.

Wipe down the dolls.

Yes.

Well, okay.

This one looks like she's kind of a mess.

Oh, yeah.

Christine swiped her one night and had a little backstage party with her kids'

action figures.

I hope she stopped by the Barbie Malibu Health Clinic.

Tell you what, why don't you put the panties back on the doll? We'll both

pretend this never happened.

I can't believe I took off work for this.

What are you doing home?

I went through the studio manual again. I found out that if I don't use my sick

days by the end of the year, I lose them.

So what? So I'm sick. Ah, shoot.

Isn't there a game on or something?

Jimmy, you know what you're doing is dishonest. You're cheating the system.

you're skipping out on work, too. I'm not skipping work. I'm on paternity

I'm living up to the responsibilities of a modern father.

Kim, could you bring me down some Q -tips? This Barbie's got gunk in her

Well, Emily went right down.

So, Kim, what can I do for you next?

Actually, nothing right now.

Nothing? Nope. I can just relax.

Relax. Relax.

Okay, great.

It is so nice to be able to drink regular coffee again.

This is really good coffee, too.

It's sort of earthy.

Yeah.

Earthy. I know.

I think it's sort of like a citrus flavor going on.

You've got to be kidding me.

What? This is it?

I took off work to listen to the two of you slurp?

I feel so useless.

What kind of man can enjoy himself hanging out doing nothing on a work day?

Look, someone down the street threw away an inflatable pool.

Well, great.

I hope you enjoy it while your co -workers have to work extra hard because

you're not there.

Greg, I'm a security guard. I raise a gate and wave to people.

Blowing this thing up is going to be more work than I've done all year.

You know, Greg, you could learn from the way Jimmy's able to enjoy his moments

of downtime.

Moment? Moments? Jimmy's whole life is downtime. His only uptime is trying to

figure out new ways to get more downtime.

I'm sorry. I can't relax when I feel like I'm skipping work. But you're

here. Well, sure. I changed a couple of diapers. I filled up some bottles. I

spent 30 minutes trying to get a binky out from behind the fridge.

I thought we agreed to call it a noo -noo.

Dominic called his a num -num. No, no, no. His thumb was a num -num. His noo

-noo was a nip -nip.

Paternity leave isn't just about taking care of a baby.

This is a chance for you and me to reconnect.

I know.

You know what, you guys?

I'm here in case Emily wakes up. Why don't you two go do something?

It's a great idea. Hey, want to go to the movie?

What? Oh, we haven't been to the movies in months. It'll be fun.

No, not fun.

Torture, Kim. I just said, like, I feel like I'm playing hooky. Now you want to

drag me to a weekday matinee?

I mean, what are we going to do next? Go down to the ballpark with Spanky and

Alfalfa and watch a game through a knot hole?

This coffee's kind of earthy. Come on, let's get moving.

Well, not a lot of people here for a Thursday at noon.

Wonder what mysterious phenomenon's keeping the people away.

Oh, I know, work.

Come on.

We haven't been on a date in months.

Here we are, sneaking away to the movies.

Kind of romantic.

Yeah, I guess it is.

Remember when we were in college, we used to cut classes and sneak away to

movies in the middle of the day?

Yeah. Can we do everything we did at college?

Well, my breasts are leaking and I'm sitting on a foam donut, but knock

out.

You know what? I'm sorry. I've been kind of uptight about this. It's all right.

I know it's hard for you. It is, but you're right. You know, I need to relax.

Having fun being here with you. Oh, my God.

What are you doing?

Savitsky just walked in.

Savitsky, how you doing?

How are you doing down there? I was looking for my... Oh, lollipop.

So how's the paternity leave going?

Well, I've been doing a lot. Been working really hard. The only reason

the movies is to help her have fun.

She had a fun need, and I'm meeting that need.

Well, this is kind of embarrassing, huh? Why should I be embarrassed?

Because you're at the movies in the middle of the day. It's kind of goofing

Goofing off?

Our company makes movies.

I like to see what the real people think of them.

So how's work going?

Great. We had a very productive staff meeting this morning. You should have

there. I should have, sir. You approved the leave and it was in the manual.

Easy, Warner. It's a figure of speech.

Listen, we're doing fine without you. You enjoy the rest of your leave.

I will, sir.

Of course, when I say I'm going to enjoy it, I'm really not going to enjoy it. I

know it's not vacation.

I want you to know I'd rather be at work, for the record.

You know, I think I'll sit in back.

Marco! Pull out!

Oh, bit of shadow water.

Dominic, you're it. Get in here.

I don't want to go in the pool.

Why not?

Gee, I don't know, Jimmy. Could it be because it's so cold out you have to

clothes in the pool? Or could it be because you've had four beers and

gotten out yet?

I mean, did you have fun while we were gone?

Yeah, he loved it. We had a great game going earlier.

I was a dolphin and he was a SeaWorld trainer with a bucket of Cheetos.

How was the movie?

Terrible. We ran into Mr.

Savitsky. Oh, it was fine.

He said everything at work was going great.

The reason everything's going great, Kim, is because I'm always three steps

ahead of whatever financial problems are going to come up.

And now I'm not there to keep things on track. They don't even know what they're

headed for. What are they headed for? A fiscal train wreck, Kim.

Okay, without me, it's just a matter of time before the whole thing derails.

Then you've got a runaway train driving through trees, running over cows, might

even hit an orphanage.

An orphanage? Yes, a fiscal orphanage.

Greg, you're overreacting. Oh, you say that now, but when it hits the fan, all

Savitsky's going to remember is me goofing off at the movies instead of

You weren't goofing off. Yes, I was. I'm goofing off now.

Fine, then I'll put you to work. You can go to the store and get me some milk

and diapers.

Great. I'll be back.

Greg, lighten up, man. You're so stressed out lately.

I mean, you know what you should do is, uh, after your paternity leave's over,

you should take a couple sick days.

Hold on, hold on.

Warner, is that you?

What are you doing out there?

Oh.

Hey, guys, what's up?

Nothing, just trying not to be distracted by you in the hallway.

What are you doing here?

Well, I haven't been here for a week, and I was running low on the office

supplies I usually steal.

That's a joke, of course, although there's nothing really funny about

theft. How do you just prove that, Warner?

As long as you're here, why don't you come in and sit down?

All right, maybe I'll sit down for a minute, except somebody's in my chair.

What are you, one of the three bears? Sit somewhere else.

I don't believe we've met.

Well, that's Steve Jenkins. He's from Harvard Business School. He's an intern.

He's filling you in while you're gone.

Oh, great.

Great. Guess I'll just sit over there.

All right. What else do we have here?

What else do we have here?

Hey, Warner, how about a little space?

Sure, sir.

So, how's everything going, sir?

Things are great. No train wreck?

Warner, Mike's cousin was killed in a train wreck yesterday.

You weren't here. You had no way of knowing.

Oh, wow.

Sorry. But the office? The office is good?

Well, yeah, smooth sailing here.

Eleanor was about to give us the market report.

Sir, I think they're ready to do the other presentation.

The secret presentation.

Secret presentation? The only secret presentations we do around here is

cake.

Great. Way to ruin it, Warner.

All right, just bring it in.

I got sidetracked and I found out that I'm basically worthless.

Honey, your cell phone has caller ID.

Why do you answer it when it's your mother?

No, ma 'am.

I went to the office and guess what?

Things were running fine, great even. They had some idiot Jenkins in my chair.

Turns out that I'm completely replaceable. Everything I've done for

years means nothing.

I'm sorry, did you say you went to your office?

Please don't give me a hard time right now. I'm really upset here.

So am I. I really needed those diapers. Emily's upstairs sleeping in her crib

wrapped up in a roll of brawny. I'm sorry.

Me too.

I'm sorry that you put your work ahead of your family.

That is not true.

Really?

Tell me, what day did you start working at the studio?

June 11th, 1996.

And what day did we get engaged?

It was a... Wednesday?

Work is what you really care about. You can never get it off your mind. Kim, you

have to understand. It's like this innate pull, this instinctual need to be

there. You don't know what it's like to be a man. Oh, please.

This is the same speech you gave me when you wanted to go to Hooters.

Admit it, Greg.

Admit that you can never stop thinking about your job, even when you're

to be with your family.

All right, I admit it.

I can't get work off my mind.

I don't know what it is.

It's like I get my entire identity by my success at work.

By the lifestyles I can provide for you and the kids.

I'm not proud of that.

I hate myself for it. I'm a monster. A selfish monster.

You're not a monster.

You're just saying that because you're a loving, caring wife. And that's why I

married you.

Because that's what I wanted.

For me.

See? Me, me, me. God, I'm so selfish.

Maybe I've been a little selfish, too.

I'm listening.

I've been so concerned about our family being the most important thing in your

life.

I never even stopped to think that maybe part of the reason that work is so

important to you is because of us.

Because of providing for your family.

It's true. I mean, when I'm at work, I think about you guys all the time.

About providing a nice house for you and great schools for the kids.

Maybe some new golf clubs for me, but most of the time I'm thinking about you

and the kids.

And a Porsche and a plasma screen TV.

I just hope that you know that providing for your family isn't just about money.

I know.

And to tell you the truth, I don't think they appreciate me that much at work

anyway.

You know what?

When people ask me what I do from now on, I'm not going to say that I'm Greg

Warner, Vice President of Business Affairs. I'm going to say I'm Greg

father and husband.

Hello?

Oh, yeah, just hold on a second.

It's Mr.

Savitsky. He sounds upset.

Hello? Yes, sir. Yes, Mr. Savitsky.

Oh, that sounds terrible, sir.

Yes, sir.

Right away, sir.

Train wreck.

What happened?

I guess someone wasn't looking far enough down the tracks, and I'm the only

that can fix it.

And when I say fix it, I mean providing for my family.

Because that remains my first priority, because I'm Greg Warner, father and

husband.

Good work, Greg. Thank you.

No, sir. You made me promise.

Warner!