Original subtitles

Kim, have you seen my bottle of nose spray?

I think I threw it out. What?

I threw it out. It was empty.

No, no, no, no, no.

It wasn't empty.

I could have cut it open and swished some out with my finger.

I don't think you're supposed to use that spray for more than a couple of

How long have you been using that stuff?

I don't know. A couple of weeks.

You know, Greg, you might be addicted to that stuff.

Christine, it's not crack, all right?

They sell it at a supermarket, for God's sake. It's in the same mile as the

shampoo. I'm not addicted.

Now, think.

Which trash can did you throw it at?

You know, the more you use that stuff, the more your body depends on it. If you

would just stop using it for a few days, you probably won't need it anymore.

Well, that nose spray is really just a gateway to harsher stuff.

I mean, next thing you know, you could be turning tricks for a dime bag of

Vapor Rub.

Seriously, Greg, you can't just keep taking that stuff.

But I'll be all stuffy.

Trust me, in a few days you'll be breathing fine.

And I'll be here to help. Thank you.

What are you doing, trying to kill me?

You have to have sex with a man.

Who are you picking?

That's stupid. I'm not playing.

Come on, there's a gun to your head. Who are you picking?

I don't know.

Cal Ripken Jr.

What is it? Some pretty blue eyes?

It isn't anything.

I don't care.

I'm not attracted to men, so it doesn't matter who I pick.

Jimmy, gun to your head. What man are you having sex with?

It's easy.

Johnny Depp.

You know what? Change mine to Johnny Depp.

Have a good one.

Have a good one.

And you know what? My arm is getting tired. Roy, you want to switch? No

Hey, check out monitor two.

What?

Who's that hanging out in front of Heidi Klum's trailer?

I don't know.

Oh, man. That Heidi Klum is hot.

I bet she has one of those belly button rings.

That's freaky.

What's she doing on the lot anyway? She's shooting a Victoria's Secret

Oh, look at this.

He's trying to break in. I'm calling the cops. What do you mean? Aren't we

supposed to be the cops around here?

No, no, no.

No, cops undergo months of training and get a gun.

We took a multiple choice test and got a flashlight.

Mine didn't even work.

I put the batteries in my boom box.

Oh my God, he just went in there. Don't worry, I'm getting the cops.

No, we don't have time to wait for the cops. She could be in there. Look, keep

walkie -talkie on in case I need help.

This thing's dead.

Yeah. I needed those batteries for my garage door open.

Security.

Exit the bathroom, please.

You're going to have to come with me.

Is there a problem, officer?

Would you please put those down and you're going to have to come with me,

I can't. I'm waiting for Heidi. I'm her mother.

Sure you are, sir.

Excuse me.

Mommy's home, princess. Mommy's home. Hold still, buddy.

Everything's going to be fine. The police have been called. They're on

way.

How hot is that?

You should have seen it, Kim. It was amazing.

The news channels came. There were cop cars everywhere.

I got to see Heidi Klum's underwear.

Of course, it was in an evidence bag, but it was still hot.

All the excitement seems to have cleared up your silences. Yeah, I feel great,

and I haven't touched a spray all day.

Hey, guys, here it is.

Coming up next, find out what famous supermodel is calling this man a hero.

Also, while you're next trip to the salad bar, what do you label? Oh, my

Jimmy, look, you're on TV.

Yeah, I always knew Jimmy would make the news someday. I just thought it would

be for losing a thumb on the 4th of July.

Hey, Christine, get in here. Jimmy's going to be on the news.

What?

Oh, my God, you actually did it? You ate the 40 -ounce steak at the chuckwagon?

Am I wearing a T -shirt that says, I beat the meat?

No, just a little something that happened at work.

I'm here with Mr. George Savitsky, the head of Radford Studios, supermodel

Klum, and security guard Jimmy Hughes.

Earlier today, a stalker was apprehended attempting to break in to Miss Klum's

trailer. Pretty exciting day here, George.

Yes, Sam, almost as much action and adventure as there is in our upcoming

Christmas thriller, Slashing Through the Snow.

Heidi, it must have been a pretty frightening experience.

Oh, yes, it was.

But I do have to say, even though that man was hideous and deranged, he still

looked firmer and fuller in my new Victoria's Secret bra.

Hey, there you are, Greg.

I'm here with the hero of the day, security guard Jimmy Hughes.

Jimmy, tell us what happened. Well, it was nothing really, Sam.

I followed the guy into the trailer, and when he made a move towards Miss Klum,

I restrained him.

That's it.

I thought you quit.

I did.

Oh, you think because... No, no, no.

No, if that was Staling's solution, that's totally natural.

Do I have to search you?

No, Kim.

Come here.

What? I told you I... Stop it.

Stop it. You know I'm ticklish. Stop it.

Don't. Don't. Don't.

Okay. So I got a problem.

Is this the last of it? Yes.

Yes. So I don't need to check upstairs or anything?

No.

All right.

Go ahead.

You're not going to find anything.

a security guard in the stalker? Sure, buddy.

Hey, Logan, go put on one of Mom's bras.

Hey, so what do you say we play a little security guard in the stalker, huh?

Wow. Dude, what if that guy had a knife or a gun? Oh, my God, you could have

been killed.

Christine, I'm fine. Nothing happened.

You know, besides, you know, I'm a security guard. I was just doing my job,

know? What do you want me to do?

hide in the guard shack with Billy and Roy and wait for the police.

You know, I'm not like those other guys.

I take my job seriously.

Oh, please.

Since when do you take any job seriously?

I always take my job seriously.

Oh. Oh, like when you were a Domino's delivery man and you used to bring

pies with two slices missing.

And then try to convince them it was a special Pac -Man pizza.

Christine, I was in high school then.

All right, but you weren't in high school when you worked in a deli and

take the cow tongue and put it against your mouth and chase people around with

it.

Christine, this isn't like those other stupid jobs.

I am a security guard.

Why, Jimmy? Because they give you a uniform?

I mean, when you worked for that Mexican restaurant, you stood out front in that

outfit. Did that make you a taco?

Why are you making such a big deal out of this?

I don't know, Jimmy. I guess I never realized that your job might involve

danger.

Well, what do you want me to do?

I don't know. I mean, it's a big studio, and they like you there. I mean, see if

they'll give you a different job.

I don't want a different job. But, Jimmy, what if something happens to you?

Nothing is going to happen. You don't know that.

You know what, Jimmy?

You do whatever you want. You know how I feel about this. Just do whatever you

want.

What do you expect me to do? You want me to quit my job just because you want me

to? Yeah, I'm not some whipped guy who's scared of his wife.

Quick, Jimmy, shut that down in your pants. I'll get it later.

I heard that.

Damn it!

Mr. Stavitsky, do you have a second? Hey, Jimmy, there's our hero. Come on in

here. Hey, you like caramel corn?

Yeah. Here, take this home.

I'm trying to clean this place out. When you're the head of the studio, people

never stop giving you gifts.

Thanks. Hey, do you like mangoes? Uh, yeah, I guess.

Here you go.

You think you can eat 30 of them?

I can try. You got a knife? Not now.

Take them home.

Listen, Mr. Switzke, I want to... Wait a second.

Here's something they gave me when they canceled Elf.

What is it?

It's Elf.

It's sad, really. This bag of hair was one of the biggest stars in America.

So, Jimmy, what can I do for you? Well, actually, I came to see if there was any

way I could talk to you about transferring to a different job. Jimmy,

kidding me?

You're the best security guard we have.

Oh, thank you, sir. And I really enjoy being a guard. It's just that after what

happened yesterday, my wife would rather that I didn't have such a dangerous

job.

Hey, at least she cares.

My wife took one look at my will and realized that I'm worth more to her dead

than alive.

In my house, I don't eat anything unless I break the seal myself.

Well, thanks a lot for understanding.

Don't worry about it. You're a good man. We'll find something else for you to do

here at the studio.

Uh, did you go to college?

Uh, yes. Yes, sir. I went to, uh, Frostburg State University.

Is that where Bullwinkle went to college?

No. Uh, he went to What's the Matter, You?

Yeah, he's from Frostbite Falls.

Yeah, so a lot of people make that same mistake.

Anyway, I only went there for a semester.

Hey, you know, here's something you might be good for.

We're looking for a new supervisor of landscaping.

Uh, I don't know about that, sir. You know, I used to cut grass in high

I want to feel like an adult. You know, I don't want the job of a teenager.

You get your own golf cart?

I'll take it.

Say hello to Curious George for me.

So how's the new job? Oh, man, you guys would not believe how easy it is, okay?

So, so far today, I have made sure the automatic sprinklers came on.

I watched a couple guys dig a hole.

And now I got to head over to the back lot where those big trees are on New

Street. Oh, man, you got to trim all those trees?

No, no, no. It's just real shady over there. It's where I take my nap.

We'll be right back.

Yeah,

yeah, yeah.

It's been gay.

Help me.

Well, there you are.

Christine, what are you doing here?

I brought you lunch. Lunch? Sweet.

No, I just wanted you to know it meant a lot to me that you switched jobs, so I

wanted to bring you something special.

Oh.

A Pac -Man pizza.

There was traffic.

So, um, how's the new job going? It's not too hard, is it?

Oh, no, no.

This is the greatest job I've ever had.

Well, good. I'm glad. I was worried you were going to hate me for making you

switch jobs, so... Are you kidding me?

I love you for this.

This is great.

Yeah, the only real work I have to do is once a day I got to walk over to the

administration building handing the time cards.

Well, good, honey. I'm glad.

All right, I got class. I got to go. Okay. Hey, Christine, could you, um...

drop off these time cards at the administration building.

Yeah.

What? You're going to be walking right by it.

It's hot.

Christine, wait till you hear what Jimmy did at work today.

He appeared in his first movie.

What? I was sleeping, and then I heard some people scream, and a guy came by

running, waving a gun, and so I tackled him.

I didn't know he was an actor.

Hey, you're home. Hey.

Did you use today?

I'm not gonna lie to you, I thought about it. I mean, the pollen count was

Pretty stuffy after lunch.

Even saw a guy huffing Tristan in the bathroom, but I just did my business and

got out of there.

One day at a time, honey.

One day at a time.

You tackled a guy with a gun?

Actually, it was a fake gun.

Jimmy, what about what we talked about?

I mean, did you even think about that?

I didn't think about anything. I just reacted.

Yeah, but that's not your job anymore.

No, it's not about the job.

Christine, I learned something about myself today.

It's like if somebody's in trouble, I'm going to help them, no matter what job I

have. You know, even if I was a giant taco outside that Mexican restaurant.

Oh, yeah, and if there was a gun, Jimmy, would you take a bullet in the refried

beans for them?

You know what? Yes.

Yes, I would. Look, Christine, some people are just born a certain way. It's

like really smart people or really tall people or people with three nipples. You

know what I mean?

That's me, Christine.

You know, my instinct to protect people, that's my third nipple.

It's who I am.

And if I could change for you, I would, but I can't.

I don't want you to change, Jimmy. I just want you to be careful.

So you understand why I can't work in landscaping anymore, right?

Somebody's got to get up every morning and go out there and try to keep some

order.

You know, there's a lot of evil out there. But luckily, some of us were born

protect and to serve.

It's like if I don't keep the bad guys from winning, who will?

We're still talking about being a security guard, right?

Yeah, why? What do you think we're talking about?

For a minute there, I thought you were talking about becoming a cop.

What, are you crazy?

Do the words physical fitness test mean anything to you?

Billy, what the hell are you doing in here? I was just getting ready to take a

shower. Why?

Because you can't take a shower in Heidi Klum's trailer. That's why, okay?

You're going to get fired.

Now look.

I'm going to go watch the door. You just put some clothes on and get out of

here.

Billy, what's going on?

I thought we were going to take a shower.

Yeah, come on in. The water's warm.

Oh, that was a little too freaky.