Original subtitles

Hey, did you stop at the auto mall on the way home? Yeah, I think I found the

car that I'm going to get, one of those sporty little convertibles.

A convertible? Oh, man, I wish I could afford a midlife crisis.

Greg, I don't think you should get a convertible.

Are you telling me that I can't get the car that I want?

No, it's your car. I can't tell you what to do.

I hope you've thought this through. I mean, they're not very practical.

We already have a practical car. This one's just for me to drive to work. I

mean, two practical cars. It doesn't seem so practical.

Fine.

You can fit your golf clubs in the trunk of one of those little cars, right? You

know what? I didn't ask. I'll go back and check tomorrow.

Yeah, and you know what? While you're there, why don't you check out some of

bigger cars? You know, something you can fit two sets of clubs in for when you

and Jimmy both play golf.

Makes sense. I'll think about it.

I can't believe you're using golf to manipulate him into getting a bigger

Well, it's easier than arguing.

That is so evil.

No. Evil is when he gets the bigger car and I still don't let him play golf.

Are

Jimmy

and his parents back from the airport yet?

Do you smell whiskey, cigarettes, and throw -ups?

Just his parents this time. What happened to Aunt Betty and Cousin Neil?

Hey, somebody has to stay back and bottle the moonshine.

Or maybe they were just scared to come since last time you killed their

I think killed her is kind of harsh.

Well, what would you call scaring a 95 -year -old woman to death in the middle

of the night?

I don't know.

Speeding things along?

Hey, thanks a lot for having us. Appreciate it. Whoa!

Look at you!

Yep, yep. Having a baby.

Are you sure? Because I saw one of those news programs where a lady thought she

was having a baby.

Turned out to be a hundred pound tumor.

It's a baby.

And we saw the ultrasound.

Did you see hair and teeth? This tumor had hair and teeth.

It's a baby.

We'll see.

So, how was your flight?

All right, I guess. It's hard for me to go five hours without a cigarette.

If they ever outlawed chewing tobacco on planes, I'm taking the bus.

There they are. Come here and say, Grandpa.

How are you?

Hello. Hello. Well, I got something for you. Got something for you.

Uh -huh.

Brought them slingshots.

Don't worry. Hey, boys, you know what these are? These are dividing rods.

Yeah, see, what you do is you walk out in the back, and when the rubber band

starts shaking, that means you found water.

Cool.

Hey, Logan, if we can't find water, we can put rocks in them and shoot birds.

I'll throw this in your room. No, no, not that one. We've got some stuff we

brought for you in here ever since we're dealing with Granny's estate.

We thought you'd want some stuff to remember her by. Here, Christine.

We brought this for you.

Oh, wow. A house coat. How nice.

You know what?

I'll hang it in the closet so we'll always remember her. No, honey, that's

you to wear.

You don't let a $6 house coat just hang in the closet.

Try it on.

Just put it on once, please.

Fine.

Might be a little loose in the back. That's where Granny's hump stretched it

out.

Brought you some photo albums.

Oh, cool.

And hey, do you remember this?

Oh. Grammy's candy dish. Oh, I remember I used to go into Grammy's house and run

straight to this candy dish. I'd eat everything that was in it. Oh, that's

sweet. Why don't you put it in there next to my refrigerator?

They'll have a lot to talk about.

Christine, you look great.

I'm going to go get my camera.

I would have given you her favorite house coat, but we buried her in that

We tried this one on her at the morgue, but we thought it made her look a little

pasty.

Wow, Grammy sure took a lot of pictures.

Big Jimmy, what's this one of you in the body cast?

Let me see it. That's probably when he was hit by a freight train.

No.

This is when he was hit by the passenger train.

The cash from the freight train just went up to my boobies.

Why does your Grammy have a picture of all these restaurants?

Oh, actually, that's Grammy's house. See, right there between the Olive

and the Applebee's. The neighborhood just kept developing, but Granny

sell. We still get letters once a week. Cracker Barrel, Red Lobster. Hell, one

day, Arby himself stopped by.

I figured when the old buzzard died, we could finally move out of there and into

a retirement community.

All my friends are living over there in Leisure Village.

But Big Jimmy won't sell the house either. Kitty, I'm not getting into this

you again.

Granny loved that house. We lived there for 15 years, and I like it, and I'm not

selling.

Now I gotta wait for him to die, too.

Shouldn't be long.

That baboon heart they gave him can't last forever.

Boy, that was some supper.

I haven't had Italian since I don't know when.

Really? You live right next door to an olive garden. Yeah, we're having a

dispute, you know.

I told him if you don't want your customers to see me naked, you buy

for my kitchen.

Bill, that Dominick and Logan, they're really something.

Yeah. Seems like every time I see them, they're like different people.

They grow up fast.

Yeah.

You know, I wasn't around that much for you as a father. I just don't want to

make the same mistake as the grandfather, you know what I mean?

Wow, that's sweet, Dad.

Listen, you know, you can come out and visit anytime you want.

You know, I mean, we'll try to get back east as often as we can.

Well, yeah.

I was wondering, maybe you could come back for more than a visit.

What do you mean?

Oh, since Granny died, we've got that big old house that the two of us rattled

around, and I thought maybe you and Christine might move in with us.

Look, I don't know how much money Greg's offered you, but you don't have to do

this.

I know it sounds crazy, but I miss you guys.

You get old, you start thinking about these things. You don't know how much

you have left.

Unless you think it's too late for you and I to ever become close.

No, I would love to.

I know, it's a lot for you to think about. I spun this on you all of a

Just promise me you'll give it some thought.

Maybe talk it over with Christine?

Okay, I will.

Listen, are you going to have any dessert that Kim left this one thing of

pudding next to the stove and I thought I'd eat it?

Yeah, that's bacon grease.

Well,

I

did it. I bought my new car. I'm picking it up later.

Great. What'd you get?

A little convertible.

What? Well, the golf clubs didn't fit in the trunk, but I thought about it, and

you really don't let me play that much golf anyway.

You actually bought a convertible?

Yeah.

Craig, it's got no roof. If it rolls, you'll be crushed.

Yeah, but if I drive into a river, I won't be trapped.

I mean, four -fifths of the earth is water, Kim. I think that's the bigger

threat here.

Jimmy, are you sure your dad was here?

Maybe he was drunk.

Christine, he wasn't drunk. He barely had eight beers.

What's going on?

You're not going to believe what Jimmy's dad asked him to do last night. Here we

go. Cue the banjo music.

He wants Christine and I and the boys to move back and live with them in

Grammy's house.

That's crazy.

I know, but you gotta admit, it's an incredible offer. It's like, you know, a

free place to live, family to help out with the kids, and a fresh start. I

how often does that happen?

Apparently for you, every couple of years.

Come on, Greg, you know what I mean. I'm talking about a fresh start with my

dad. You know what our relationship has been like?

30 years of disappointing each other. You know, until last night.

He's never even tried to get close to me. You're not actually considering

are you?

Kim, Kim, Kim, enough with the long goodbyes. Just give him a hug and I'll

get the boxes out of the attic.

We're not going anywhere. I just got to figure out a way to tell him.

It's like, I don't want to blow this chance with my dad.

He finally wants to get close to me.

Then maybe you shouldn't be so selfish.

I mean, a family should be together, especially grandparents and their

grandchildren. I mean, life has already given them such a small window of time

together. Shouldn't we do everything in our power to protect that?

Maybe we should go back so that our kids can live with their grandparents.

Yeah. We have to live in Los Angeles.

I just bought a convertible.

I'll figure out a way to break the news to my dad. I just... Christine, I've got

to be honest with you, though. It's like part of me wishes we could go.

Look, Jimmy, your dad's changed, okay? I mean, for the first time in his life,

he's asked to spend time with you.

Things are going to be better between you two no matter how far away we live.

Yeah, I guess you're right.

And I hope you know you have family right here that loves you.

Right, Greg?

Hmm?

Right, Greg?

Right, right, right. Of course.

But they do say if you love something, you can set it free.

Look, I know how you feel about this, but if you just give it a chance... I

it.

What? I have to admit, I like it.

Gosh. I mean, if you're going to get a convertible, you picked a good one.

It's cute.

Am I going to get to drive it, too? Of course. Of course you get to drive it.

You see, I knew you would like it once you saw it. Well, you were right.

You know, the best thing is you don't even have to use the door.

All right.

Hey.

Hey, did you talk to your dad yet?

Uh, no, he's been in the bathroom all morning. Let's just say he's discovering

firsthand why you don't pour bacon grease down the sink.

Whose is this?

You looking at him?

You bought this?

Yeah. Why?

Uh, this is a chick car.

No, it's not.

Yes, it is.

Sure you think a chick car is anything that doesn't have a CB antenna and

Yosemite Sam mud flaps?

Hey, don't get mad at me just because you bought a chick car. It's a sports

In fact, it's so dangerous, Kim didn't even want me to get it. But I wear the

pants and it's family.

Yeah, well, you might want to check those pants for a vagina.

Listen, uh, Dad, Christine and I, uh, we talked about it and...

You know, your offer means a lot to us, but we can't accept it.

Damn it. Dad, it's not that I don't want to spend time with you. I do.

It's just, you know, our lives are in California now.

Well, this is great. Just great.

Dad, really, it's okay. I mean, look, don't you think you owe it to Mom to

the house and move into that retirement community she's always talking about?

I can't sell the house. I'm sure Grandma would understand.

I can't sell the house because I don't own the house. She left it to you.

She left it to me. Why didn't she leave it to you? I don't know. I guess because

she didn't trust me. Can you believe that?

My own mother didn't trust me.

That's why I had to lie to you and try to trick you into moving back into the

house so you wouldn't sell it and I'd keep living there for free.

What do you mean?

You lied about wanting to get close to me and your grandsons?

You wanted us to uproot our lives and move all the way across the country just

so you could keep living in that house for free?

Well, I didn't want to tell you I was dying.

You're dying?

No, that's why I didn't want to tell you.

Hell, that'll cross the line.

I cannot believe how cheap you are.

You know what? I am selling that house, and you can stop mooching off other

people and start living off your own money.

It would be a great idea if I had any money. Yeah, well, what are you talking

about now?

I don't have any money. I don't have any money.

You've been living in that house rent -free for 15 years. You expect me to

believe that you haven't saved any money?

Jimmy, I was a bus driver.

By the time you pay for food, Have to buy drinks for everybody every night at

the bar and gambling. There ain't a whole hell of a lot left.

But what about the lawsuit when you got hit by the train? Didn't you invest

that? Yeah, it's about time the Indian Casino opened nearest.

I'll tell you one thing. We may have burned their villages and stole their

but as far as the Pequot tribe is concerned, I am all paid up.

And you got hit by two trains, okay? Didn't you get a settlement from the

accident? Technically, that wasn't an accident.

That was, uh, I got a little behind with my bookie, and I figured as long as my

legs were gonna be broken, might as well make some money out of it.

Oh, my God. You know, Dad, does Mom know all about all of these lies? Does Mom

know that she doesn't have any money left?

No, and I'm not gonna tell her. You know, unless you plan on squealing on

Dad, you're broke.

The house is mine. Don't you think that mom eventually is going to figure out

what's going on? I'll figure something out. You just go sell your house and

your life.

I'll get by fine.

I know how to take care of my family.

This is a chick car.

Chick car.

Your car's adorable.

My sister's got one, too.

This is a chick car.

Chick car.

Hey, cool car.

Thank you.

It's just like the one that came from Malibu Barbie.

I don't think so, honey. Malibu Barbie couldn't handle a car like this.

Part of me just wants to sell that house.

You know, it's not like we can't use the money.

And, you know, he obviously doesn't care about me. Why shouldn't I just throw

him out on the street?

Because, Jimmy, he's your dad.

Besides, what about your mother? She doesn't deserve that.

No, she doesn't deserve that.

She deserves to be happy. She deserves to get what she wants for a change.

Right. So maybe you should sell the house and buy them a place in that

retirement village.

That's okay with you?

Well... I mean, think of it as investment.

They're only getting older, and someone's going to have to take care of

and I can barely eat a meal across from your father.

I don't care how much money it costs if I'm never changing his diaper.

Kim! Oh, my God, what happened?

I was in an accident. Kim!

Frank, are you all right? Yeah, I guess it could have been worse. I almost hit

Big Jimmy.

Oh, my God.

Big Jimmy, are you okay?

Well, the car went by so fast I did get a little whiplash. You guys have

insurance, don't you?

You're the most pathetic man I've ever met.

I'm not crying. I got hit in the nose. My eyes are watering.

Not you, him.

You didn't almost hit him. He almost hit you.

He stood out in the middle of the street hoping to get a lawsuit.

I couldn't help it. I saw a white convertible go by. I thought it was some

doctor's wife.

I didn't know it was Kim's car.

It's not Kim's car. It's mine.

Really? That's a chick car.

It's not a chick car.

Let me go get you some ice.

Let me go get something to pour over it.

Where are you going?

I'm going to go down a few blocks to see if I can get hit by somebody you don't

know.

Dad, wait.

I'm selling the house.

I figured.

I'm using the money to buy you and Mom that condo she always wanted at Leisure

Village.

Are you going to tell her what I did?

No, I'm not.

Thanks, Jimmy.

Thank you. I appreciate that.

Look, Dad, it's not that I don't think that she should know the truth.

I do think she should know. I just don't think it's my place to tell her.

Are you saying it's my place?

Dad, look, I'm not telling you what to do. It's just that, you know, I mean,

she's been with you for almost 50 years, and she stuck by you through a lot of

stuff. And, you know, if she was my wife, I'd tell her.

What happened?

Greg said he almost hit you with his car.

I'm fine.

Kitty, there's something I'd like to talk to you about.

Do we have a second, Jimmy?

Of course.

Jimmy, I haven't been totally honest with you about Granny's house.

What is it?

I've decided to sell it and buy you that condo in Leisure Village. Oh, Jimmy!

Well,

I did it.

Traded in the convertible, got the sedan.

Is that a new shirt?

Yeah, got it at the Gap.

Dude, that's a chick shirt.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

No, no, no, he's serious. The buttons are on the left -hand side.

So what?

So that means it's a woman's shirt.

No, it's not.

Yes, it is.

Doesn't that tag tip you off at all? In what world are you an extra large?

I've been working out.