Original subtitles

Oh, Billy, I'm telling you, I hit that ball at least 380 yards. It was right

after the green.

No, I didn't use my driver. I used a baseball bat.

Well, I don't care if it's legal. I crushed it.

Jimmy, what are you doing? No, no, no. You don't understand, man. I didn't even

use a tee.

Yeah, I just threw it up in the head. It went like a lot.

Jimmy. I am on the phone. Get off the counter.

Uh, listen, Daddy's home. I'll call you back later.

We have eight chairs in this kitchen. Why do you have to sit on the counter?

What difference does it make where I sit?

Because we prepare food on that counter. Now it's got Jimmy ass all over it.

Well, it's not like I'm not wearing pants. You're being stupid.

Hey, guys.

Where's my sandwich?

Nathan sent me a jelly sandwich. Jimmy, did you eat it?

Oh, yeah. You know, automatically it's me, right? Because Jimmy eats

food. And Jimmy dirties up the counter. Well, guess what?

I didn't eat your sandwich, and as you can see, your counter is fine.

I'm not the big slob everybody thinks I am.

It's on my butt, isn't it?

Yep. How'd you know?

Starting to feel the jelly.

Ladies, I am the great pirate captain, Willie Stargell.

Somewhere out there in the barren desert sands of the West Los Angeles

Recreational Center, I have buried me treasure, a bright, shiny quarter.

Good luck, ladies.

Go get them.

Enjoy your paper, honey?

You're never going to find that quarter.

What do you know?

I used it to buy the paper.

Watch your step, buddy. Easy does it. Look out, Sammy. There's spider webs

there. I don't see the spider. Kim, keep your eye out for the spider.

Yeah, okay.

Funny. Very funny. You know, spiders can be very dangerous.

There once was a little boy who got bitten by a spider, and his body went

through some bizarre changes.

Greg, stop scaring him. Sammy, Spider -Man isn't real.

Spider -Man? I'm talking about me at sleepaway camp.

My ankles ballooned up like grapefruits. My larynx swelled shut.

I did get to ride in a helicopter, though.

Greg, I think Sammy wants to go in the tunnel.

All right, I got him. I'm right behind you, Sammy.

Excuse me, there's a line.

Oh, man, you really shouldn't be eating jelly in there, son. Hello?

Muchacho?

No como.

What?

What a fun

day. Sammy got to play at the park and see his father squeal like a stuck pig.

Yeah, was, um, all that screaming necessary?

I wasn't screaming because I was stuck. I was screaming because some kids were

trying to loosen me up with their own spit.

doing in that tube in the first place. I mean, those things are made for kids.

Said the man with more Pokemon cards than credit cards.

You know, go ahead and laugh, but I got a Pikachu in mint condition that's gonna

put my boys through college.

I was just making sure Sammy got through the tube okay.

Yeah, we don't like him running around the jungle gym by himself.

That rope ladder's pretty high off the ground. Some of the slides are pretty

steep. Yeah, it's a real Everest out there.

He doesn't have to hold his hand every second. You know, Logan is the same age

as Sam, and we've let him play at the playground by himself.

Yeah, I mean, what's the big deal if he gets a couple bumps and bruises? I mean,

we're raising children, not veal.

So you guys sit there and read the paper instead of playing with your kids

because you're good parents?

Or is that a theory you came up with just so you wouldn't feel guilty about

being lazy?

Hey, that is ridiculous, right? We never feel guilty about being lazy.

Look, maybe you guys just don't see yourselves, but you are all over him. I

never seen you let him do anything on his own. Oh, Sammy does plenty of stuff

his own.

You don't even let him watch a blues clue tape by himself.

Because I like to talk to him and ask him questions about what we're watching.

Greg, how about the way you push him on his tricycle? He doesn't even pedal.

He likes to go fast. We have fun.

Okay, fine. But, you know, you should at least let Sammy go to the bathroom by

himself.

That's all.

because i need to hold on to him you know to help him aim yeah that's right

hold it for him when he goes his shoulders i hold his shoulders

if i don't he goes everywhere maybe i should hold your shoulders

As we learned from the Picasso paintings at the museum, there are no rules in

art. Well, you remember Picasso, Sammy.

That really interesting painting where the cockeyed lady had four boobies?

Greg, those were peaches.

I'll say.

Today's project is going to be to draw a picture of your own face. It's called a

self -portrait.

Oh, this is going to be fun. You're going to be my little Vincent Sam go.

Greg, why don't you straighten this paper out for him and I'll pick out some

crayons. Okay, the first thing we're going to do is draw a big circle.

Okay, Sammy, you know circles.

A clock is a circle. A bicycle tire is a circle.

It might be a good idea to let him do it on his own. It doesn't matter how it

looks.

Okay, sure.

Look what a good job you're doing and all by yourself.

Kim, maybe we shouldn't help.

What? Well, she did say not to.

Oh, come on. What is she, 21? What does she know about children?

Kim, she's the teacher. We should listen to her.

Oh, please. You're just mesmerized by her little half -shirt and turquoise

button ring.

That's ridiculous.

It's an opal.

And after you have this baby, you're getting one.

Kim, seriously, none of the other parents are helping their kids.

Yeah, and look at what they're drawing.

Gribble. Our little Sammy's picture is going to be perfect.

Dinner was wonderful, Sam.

I'm glad you liked it.

I've really been hoping you'd ask me out for a long time.

Yeah, I'm glad I did.

Do you know why I wanted to sit in the back row?

Why?

Use your tongue, Sammy. Use your tongue.

Put down the crowns and let him draw his own picture. Our child will learn to

tongue kiss on his own. Thank you.

Here, Sammy, I brought you some napkins.

Honey, could you pass me a napkin?

Mmm,

good quesadilla, huh?

Muy bueno.

So this is it, huh?

You're not talking to me anymore?

Just for the rest of the day, a week, the rest of our lives? What am I looking

at here?

You want me to talk?

Fine.

We could talk about how humiliated I was when you screamed at me in the middle

of our class.

Or we could talk about how one of the other mothers stopped me on the way out

and slipped me the number to a battered woman's shelter.

Or we could talk about these yummy quesadillas.

Look, I'm just saying maybe we don't let Sammy do enough things on his own. Oh,

so all of a sudden you think that Jimmy and Christine know more about parenting

than we do?

Well, I'm sorry, but isn't it a possibility that Jimmy and Christine

right? Sure it is. The topics are monster truck trivia and things you can

Sears that'll get you high.

It's not just you. I'm guilty of it, too.

I do a lot of things for him. I even brush his teeth for him. Good. If he

doesn't brush his teeth right, they're going to fall out. Kim, they are baby

teeth. We could polish and detail them every night, and they're still going to

fall out.

Greg, eventually we'll stop helping him. But right now he's three years old.

It's our job as parents to teach him how to do things.

Oh, you've got a little guacamole on your chin, Mr.

Samalicious.

Well, could you at least stop with the baby talk? His name is Sam, not

Samalicious, not Green Eggs and Sam, and most certainly not Samalama Ding Dong.

Oh, I haven't called him that since he was potty trained.

Remember that, Sammy?

Who put the poop in the dipey, dipey, dipey? All

right,

boys, now listen.

That quarter's still up. there somewhere. Let's dig a little deeper

soldiers. Come on.

Don't you feel at least a bit guilty about lying to your kids?

Eh, you know, you're right.

That was a dime, wasn't it? Stop judging me.

Hey, um, listen, you want to try something new today, buddy?

You want to be a big boy and go play by yourself?

Okay. Okay.

Well, be careful.

Greg, is that you?

I almost didn't recognize you without a little boy growing out of your arm.

I've been thinking about it.

Maybe we do smother Sam a little. Probably be good for him to do some

without me and Kim breathing down his neck all the time. You know, you have a

valid point. In fact, I think it was mine.

Wait a second. He's going into the goblin maze.

He's never been in there before. Greg, just relax, okay?

It's a public park. The only really scary thing here is the men's room.

Yes, you're right.

He'll be fine.

Look, he just went right into the maze. It's like he's not scared at all. See,

everybody wins, okay? Sammy gets his first taste of independence.

You get to kick back and relax.

Ah, they're playing my song.

Yeah, I'd go for some ice cream.

No, I meant, would you treat?

What? I got you the ice cream last time, remember?

I said, Greg, I'm going to get some ice cream. Would you like some? You were

getting him out of my freezer.

Fine, I will buy.

I have to admit, this is great. For once, I can be at the park and not have

run around with all the kids. I can be an adult.

Oh, can I get the green one with the alien -shaped gumball nose?

We'll take two of those.

Got it. Oh, my God. Sammy just hit his head. Hold on, Sammy. Daddy's coming.

They're dying short.

All right, Sammy, we're going to have to keep the ice on there for a little

while. Does it still hurt?

Yeah. I'm just glad he stopped crying.

I was worried about my son.

Oh, my God, what happened?

Sammy fell off the road bridge at the park.

Where were you?

I was getting ice cream. He made me get ice cream.

He's got a little lump on his head. He's going to be fine. This is all your

fault. He needs more independence. Let him do whatever he wants.

Okay, you know what? You're right.

I'm wrong. You know, if you really want him to be safe, why don't you...

Wrap him up with bubble wrap, tape him up, and put him back in Kim's uterus.

Well, maybe we will.

I can't believe you left him unsupervised. You can't believe it. I

it. Have a juice box.

Yes, you can have a juice box. I'll get it for you, buddy.

We should wash our hands.

You were right, Kim. I mean, you were absolutely right. We can't push him.

three years old.

And here I am letting him run around on the road bridge like he's Indiana Jones.

Stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid.

At least it was just a bump on the head.

Could have been a lot worse.

Could have lost a tooth or an eye.

Here, here, Sammy, let me put that straw in for you. Well, I'll tell you one

thing, it's not going to happen again. Because from now on, we're staying on

stand.

After I sifted the tattoo and chopped off it.

Can I have a yogurt, please?

Yeah, you want a yogurt? Sure.

We don't have to keep him on the fan. We just have to make sure we hold his hand

while he's in the jungle, Jim.

Hey, look, I'm going to go clean the throw -up out of my car.

Oh, my God, you threw up?

No. I was worried about my son.

That's some fantastic bump you got there.

Don't worry, Mommy will take care of you.

Hi, Logan.

want to let you know i've done this procedure many times it's actually

simple man we should have you back on your feet tomorrow or next day at the

latest you just finish washing my hands here and we can get started

hang

on sam do you have to make pb first

No. Are you sure?

I mean, because it's going to be a long operation.

Maybe you should try it.

Okay.

I'll be right back.

I'll go help him aim.

Don't worry. She's going to hold his shoulders.

The juice popped in a yogurt all by himself.

He didn't need any help. So?

I think I just... I can't believe he can get lunch for himself.

Who said it's for him?

Thanks, baby.

How much money did you put in that tip jar?

A couple bucks.

What? It's a restaurant. They work hard.

Really? I filled the drinks, got the sauce, and had to pick up the food when

it's ready. If you're going to tip anyone, tip me.

I would, but I don't particularly like your attitude.

Besides, you forgot to get Sammy napkins.

You know what?

Maybe we should let Sammy get his own napkin.

Yeah, right.

I know we've been back and forth about this, but maybe we should start to let

Sammy get some stuff on his own.

Yesterday, I watched Logan put a straw in a juice box all by himself.

Yeah, but Logan's older than Sammy. Just by a month.

Really?

Then why is Logan so much bigger?

Probably because he can feed himself.

Logan also washed his hands by himself, got a yogurt, opened it up. Oh, Sammy's

never done any of that. I know, because we don't let him.

Sammy, you want to go get a napkin all by yourself?

Okay.

It's over there on the table, sweetie.

Look at him, going away a baby, coming back a boy.

Bubbles!

Still needs his crop. You know what?

I'll...

Kim.

Kim. There's a spider on the table.

So?

Well, could you kill it?

I could.

But would that really be helping you?

Maybe Sammy's not the only one around here who needs to start to learn to do

some things on his own.