Original subtitles

Long day?

Very.

Plus, I got no sleep last night.

All that kicking and moving around.

What, the baby's kicking already?

No, Greg fell asleep watching Footloose.

Dominic, what are you doing? You know you're not supposed to play Uncle Greg's

guitar. Aunt Kim said I could.

Hey, Kim, did you tell him he could play Greg's guitar?

No, but he can't play any worse than Greg.

My last ultrasound, the baby had his thumbs in his ears.

Dominic, he didn't give you permission.

You lied, Dominic, and you lied right to my face.

No, I didn't. No, I just did it again.

You know what, Dominic, just go to your room. I can't deal with you right now.

Dominic lied?

He never lies.

I know.

It's this new thing with him. I mean, that's his fourth lie this week.

And five if you count Friday when he said he liked your gazpacho.

Doesn't like my gazpacho? Nobody likes your gazpacho, Kim. It's cold soup.

Can we end the charade?

I was just trying to give your family a little culture.

I bet if I shoved it in a hot pocket and smothered it in Velveeta, the four of

you would be out back wrassling over it.

Come on, give me another one. I'm sick of playing. Okay, one more and I'll

Anthony Hopkins. Okay, what would it be?

Sir Anthony Hopkins was in Silence of the Lambs with Jodie Foster, who was in

Maverick with Mel Gibson, who was in Lethal Weapon with Gary Busey, who was

DC Cab, which brings us back to who?

Mr. T.

You try this again tomorrow, and I swear I'll put in one of Kim's books on tape.

I have the ya -ya sisterhood, and I'm not afraid to use it.

Hi, guys.

Kim. Oh, there's my baby.

Oh,

feels good to strap on the old axe.

If I could save time at a bar...

If I could say... You

did it

again?

Even I didn't start lying that young.

Really? I don't have to lie. I was even younger.

See what happens? Once you start, there's no stopping.

You gotta do something. It's like the fourth lie this week.

Or the fifth, if you count. Everybody hates the gazpacho.

Look, it's fine if you want to give Salsa a fancy name, but at least serve

with some chips.

Well, I don't know what we're going to do, Jimmy. I keep punishing him, he

lying. Nothing seems to work.

Maybe it's time I got a little tough on him.

Oh, yeah, you're going to get tough on him?

Please, you let him stay up past his bedtime, you let him eat whatever junk

wants. And you're never hard on him because all you care about is that he

around telling everybody that you're his best friend. Oh, that's ridiculous,

okay? I'm his father, and if I have to, he really tells people I'm his best

friend?

Yes, because you don't punish him. I do. It doesn't even seem to bother him.

Well, you know what? Things are about to change around here, okay? He's

obviously not scared of you, so now Big Bad Daddy's going to have to go in there

and lay down the law.

I'm not going to stand for this kind of crap.

I'm going to march into his room, I'm going to get into his face, and I will

scare the hell out of him.

You know, we always complain about guys not being sensitive enough, but I gotta

say, it's kind of hot seeing our animalist masculine side come out.

I'm being followed by a moon shadow.

Moon shadow, moon shadow.

I wouldn't know.

Dominic, do you know why I'm here right now?

Don't act like you don't know the answer. I'm here because I'm mad.

Now, why did you lie?

Because I didn't want to get in trouble.

Yeah? Well, you're in trouble now, mister.

Okay? You've been getting off light with your mom, but now you went and woke the

bull.

You know what happens when you wake the bull?

Ask me what happens, Dominic.

What happens? When you wake the bull, you get the horns.

Now, trust me, if you lie again, you are going to get punished by me. And

believe me, it will be far worse than any punishment you have ever had. You

understand? Yes. Yes, what?

Yes, bull.

Well, I don't think we have to worry about Dominic lying anymore.

It makes you so sure.

Hey, how's the commute now that you guys are riding to work together?

Uh, it's kind of a push. We saved 20 minutes because of the carpool lane. We

lose 20 minutes because of the drive -thru lane.

Christine, our next car has got to have heated seats like Greg's. Feel my

chalupas. They're still warm.

Jimmy, these are gorditas.

I know.

Feel my chalupas.

Dominic lied again.

What? Yeah.

I asked him if he cleaned his room before he went out to ride his bike, and

lied. I can't believe this. Where is he?

I told him to wait for you in his room.

Well, good.

Good. You know, I didn't want to have to come to this, but obviously he's not

taking this seriously. So here we go.

Here we go.

What?

I don't really know what to do.

you were going to do? Yeah, I was kind of vague. I just said, you know, if you

wake the bull, you'll get the horns.

So? Give him the horn.

I don't even know what that means.

Great, Jimmy.

What are you going to do now? Your seven -year -old son has called your bluff

and you got nothing.

I don't know. We need to come up with something big. I know. I'll tell him if

lies again, I'll give him this.

What is that?

I don't know.

Don't you think it's scarier than this?

he's doing. He's testing us. Yep.

There comes a point in every parent's life where they have to either put up or

shut up. I don't know what we're going to do, Jimmy. I mean, the toys didn't

work. Yelling at him didn't work. Taking away TV didn't work.

What do you think? Maybe we have to spank him?

Spank him?

Who are we? Bill Cosby?

Bill Cosby? Bill Cosby didn't spank his kids.

Who am I thinking of? Bing Crosby.

hitting our kids all i know is that my father spanked me when i was a little

and helped keep me in line and look i don't want to have to do it either but

nothing else is working all i know is i would never ever spank a child no matter

what he did okay hold on what what are you saying you'd never spank sammy

no i'm just saying never is a pretty big word kim You were the one that said you

would never listen to rap music, but who was folding clothes yesterday, and I

walked in on them, and they were singing H to the Izzo, V to the Izzay.

They played in my step class.

And we're never spanking Sammy.

And that's the shizzle -ma -nizzle.

Look, you know, I did read an article that spanking's making a comeback.

What makes me think that that article started with Dear Penthouse Forum?

What if Sammy stole something? What?

Would you spank Sammy if he stole something? No.

What if he stole a car? A nine -year -old in Long Beach stole a car.

We're never spanking him.

You're right.

You're right.

What if it was a cop car?

Look, Christine, if we don't do something big, he may never listen to us

Well, I gotta say, I mean, I took my parents seriously when they spanked me.

Our parents didn't spank us.

No, they didn't spank you. They spanked me plenty.

Kidding. I remember you getting in trouble all the time, but I can't think

anything so bad you deserved being hit.

They spanked me when I cut off all your hair while you were sleeping.

God, I forgot about that.

Look,

different things work for different kids.

Well, it worked for me. I mean, maybe we do need to spank him.

Do you guys even hear each other?

Yes, Kim, it's not acting like we're lunatics who are doing this in anger.

like we're navigating our way through difficult waters in the best, most

way we know how.

Gee, he's so good with words. I don't see why he needs to hit like an animal.

I don't know, Jimmy. I mean, do we really want to be parents who spank? Do

really want to be parents who have no control over their kids?

No.

All right, I think I have to do it.

Hey, as long as you guys are doing this, can Sammy watch?

Kim, if we're not going to spank him, he should at least know it's out there.

I thought you weren't going to lie anymore.

Yeah, I forgot.

It wasn't a big one.

They're all big ones.

Look, Dominic, you obviously aren't taking this seriously, so now...

I'm going to have to do something that neither one of us is going to enjoy.

I'm going to have to spank you.

Yeah, right.

I'm not kidding, Dominic.

Lying is a big deal.

So from now on, every time you lie, you're going to get spanked. I don't

get spanked. Well, you know what? You should remember that the next time you

think about lying. Now come over here. Let's get this over with.

I mean, what if Sammy stole a tank?

For God's sake.

Well, it just seems to me if he stole a tank and we didn't spank him, that would

be irresponsible parenting.

Fine, Greg. If Sammy steals a tank, then you can spank him.

Of course, if he steals the tank, that's really more of a problem for the police

now, isn't it?

Hey.

I guess he hates me now.

Whoa.

Wait, you're still Logan's favorite?

He's easy. You can steal him with a cupcake and a tickle fight.

That's how I got you.

I mean, you did what had to be done.

Cosby did something. I know he did something.

Are

you

okay?

Yeah, my butt hurts.

My hand hurts a little, too.

Look, I don't ever want to have to do that again, but you know I did it,

Because I lied?

You know why you shouldn't lie?

Because you'll spank me?

No.

Dominic, you know what? That's good enough for now.

Just promise me you won't ever do it again.

I promise.

You know I love you,

right? Yeah.

You know what? I like it better when we're friends.

So I'll tell you what. How about when I get home from work tomorrow, we go to

the go -kart track?

Really? You said I wasn't old enough.

Yeah, but you know what?

I think it's finally time.

Cool! Yeah. Hey, who knows? If you love it and you're dedicated enough, maybe

you could turn out like my cousin Bobby.

Is he a race car driver?

Uh, no. Just a 40 -year -old guy who likes to drive go -karts.

Okay, who's ready to ride the go -karts? Where's Dominic?

In his room.

Okay, Dominic, let's go!

He lied again.

Oh, no, no, no!

Yep, I asked him if he did his homework, and he told me he had.

Son of a... You know, Christine, if you wouldn't ask him so many questions,

maybe he wouldn't lie so much.

I can't believe spanking didn't work.

Yeah, you figure something that's morally wrong that causes long -term

psychological damage would at least have a short -term band -aid effect.

Maybe you didn't spank him hard enough. I spanked him hard enough. How hard did

you? Greg!

So now what am I supposed to do?

I think you have to spank him again.

No, no, no. The plan was I was only going to have to spank him once.

You know, I thought it was like the atom bomb.

It's like the last thing on earth you want to use, but once you drop it, it's

over.

Here, show me.

What?

Show me how hard you spanked him.

I'm not going to hit you, Greg.

I really thought I got through to him. Here, hit my leg.

Greg.

I'm just saying, denim's really thick, and if he had a new pair of jeans... Ow!

Ow! Ow!

Are you gonna stop interrupting

me now? Yes.

Are you sure?

Yes, I promise.

Look, Christine, um...

When you asked him about the homework, did you know he was guilty? Because, you

know, that's entrapment.

Jimmy, he lied. You have to spank him. I don't think I can do it again.

What happened to Big Bad Daddy? I made him up.

He's not a real person.

Well, Christine, when are you going to understand this, okay? I'm not a bull. I

don't have horns. I'm not a Big Bad Daddy.

Oh, my.

Fine. I'll do it.

How hard did you hit him?

Are you going to spank me?

Well, you knew that if you lied again, you were going to get spanked. Yeah, but

are you going to spank me, Mommy?

No.

No, no, no, no. I just came in to get your rug.

Yeah.

This rug is filthy.

You didn't do it, did you?

Yes, I did.

He'll tell you I didn't, but we both know he's a liar.

Fine, I couldn't do it.

Well, it didn't work anyway, so I'm not doing it either.

Is somebody going to come in here and spank me?

Dominic, we're not spanking you anymore, so why don't you go back into your room

until we figure out what to do with you.

But it's starting to get dark. You said you were going to take me to the go

-kart track.

I'm not taking you to the go -karts. But you promised.

Yeah, well... I

lied.

What? That's right, Dominic.

You're a dad.

Yeah, well, you know how you feel right now, Dominic?

That's the same way that we feel when you lie to us.

That's the reason not to lie, Dominic.

Not because you're going to get spanked or get sent to your room, but because

you don't want to make people feel the way you feel right now.

You get it now, Dominic?

Why don't you go back into your room and think about that for a while?

Wow.

I think we kind of stumbled into something there.

What's going to happen one day when he figures out we have no idea what we're

doing and we just make no effort to go along?

I don't know, but if he's mad, he's coming after you first. You're the

who hit him.

All right.

I'll see you in a little while.

Where are you going?

I'm going to the go -karts. I didn't do anything wrong.

Just tell him I went to the grocery store.

You want me to lie to him?

Yeah. I'll be back around 11 to give you your spanking.

I like big butts and I cannot lie.

When a girl walk in with an itty -bitty waist and a round thing in your face,

you get sprung.

So your girlfriend rolls a Honda playing workout tapes by Fonda, but Fonda ain't

got a motor in the back of her Honda.

unless you got buns, hon.