Original subtitles

Where's Sammy?

He's upstairs with Dominic and Logan.

Alone? What are they doing?

I don't know.

They asked for three sheets.

They're either making a fort, playing ghosts, or having a clan meeting.

Well, maybe I should go keep an eye on them. They are old enough to play by

themselves. Now, come on. We've worked hard for three years for this. Let's

relax. We deserve it.

Oh, we do deserve it. Nine months of pregnancy, two years of changing

having to keep an eye on them every single second of the day. It's nice to

sit back and relax.

Are you ready to have another baby?

Well, that was relaxing.

Come on.

Don't you think it's time?

I don't know, Kim. I mean, are we ready? Ready for what? Nothing.

We're talking about having another baby. Oh, wow, that's great.

Do we have to share everything with them? Is nothing sacred?

How about this? How about you guys just come into our bedroom and watch us have

sex? Would you like that?

Sure. Christine?

Yeah, I'll watch.

I am joking.

Oh, really? Because I was serious.

I was serious. Shut up.

Are you guys going to do it? I just don't know if it's the perfect time

now. I mean, there's a lot of things to consider. Like what?

Like we were talking about painting the house. I mean, if you're pregnant, God

knows you can't be around paint fumes.

Six months before Sammy was born, I wasn't allowed to use aerosol hairspray

deodorant.

One time I actually grabbed a can of hairspray and thought it was deodorant.

All the hair ended up sticking straight out of my armpit.

Looked like I was walking around with Don King in a headlock.

Greg, you're being silly.

We could paint the house before I got pregnant.

Now, what's this really about?

Okay, well, I wasn't going to bring this up, but what about our living

arrangements? Well, we have plenty of room.

Not where we live.

Greg, we know you mean us, okay? We're not monkeys.

Wait a minute. Are you talking about us?

I just pictured when we had another kid that we would have the house to

ourselves. Well, Greg, there's always going to be something.

We can't wait forever.

Yeah. Hey, you know what? If it'll help, Jimmy and I can paint the house.

What?

Come on, you were just saying the other day how you wanted to do something nice

for them.

Well, yeah, I wasn't talking about actual work. I was thinking a nice

basket.

We'll paint the house.

Okay, unless, of course, you know, you'd like a nice, you know, tasty assortment

of muffins.

I'll tell you what, why don't you think about it?

Greg, things are never going to be perfect.

And if we want to have another child, I think it's time.

Well, then let's do it.

Hey, Christine, get the popcorn. They're starting.

how much I hate the smell of paint.

You know what would smell a whole lot better than paint?

A nice basket of muffins.

Yes?

Good morning. I'm David Scott and this is Richard Pulley. We're missionaries

visiting your neighborhood sharing a message about family values.

sure we're getting into heaven that you feel comfortable slamming the door on

God's message?

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry. The wind must have caught the door.

Satan's wind.

Well, that's our basic introductory message.

May I ask if you'd be interested in coming to our church to learn more about

faith? Listen, guys, the problem is I'm guessing your church meets on Sundays

probably, right?

Yes. Well, I have a lot of prior commitments on Sundays.

It's the NFL, NBA, Soul Train.

Plus, we already belong to a church we don't go to.

Listen, fellas, thanks for helping us procrastinate, but we really got to get

back to painting.

We could do that for you, you know.

Huh? We could paint your house for you.

Are you serious?

Yeah, we're required to do volunteer work every week.

Okay, well, you know, we're just giving it a regular paint job, right? I mean,

you're not going to surprise us with a mural of the Last Supper, are you?

We would never force our beliefs on anyone. It's just part of our mission to

help others.

Oh. Excuse me.

Um, Jimmy, you think there's a chance that this could be a scam and that these

guys are a couple of nutjobs that could... kill us in our sleep?

Yeah, but my lazy fat ass is willing to take that chance.

Wow, red satin sheets.

Are we going to bed or having a bullfight?

I bought them today. I wanted everything to be perfect because we might be

making a baby tonight.

Did you hear that, buddy? It's a work night.

You look nice, you little silky baby -making machine.

Hop in. Look out!

Oh, honey! Honey!

Are you okay?

Damn, it's silk on satin. Hope I didn't crack an egg.

Be careful.

Well, let the games begin.

We might be making a baby.

I hope it's a girl.

What? I hope it's a girl.

We always talked about how perfect it would be if we had a boy and a girl.

Well, what do you want me to do? Aim in a certain direction?

Kim, I'm a lover, not a sniper.

You don't have to do anything. I was just hoping.

But what if it's not a girl?

Then it will be a boy, and I will love him.

Okay, good.

And we'll just try for a girl after that. What?

If we have a boy this time, we'll try for a girl next time.

But what if we have another boy after that?

Then we'll try again.

So if we have ten boys in a row, we're still going to try for a girl.

Greg, I want a girl. Yeah, well, me too, but not if it means you've got to give

birth to the Oak Ridge boys and the Doobie Brothers before you get one.

I don't want to talk. I want to make a baby.

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, stop it.

I'm not going to let you just seduce me into this.

You're thinking about this way too much.

Kim, I'm not going to have sex with you. I'm not going to make a baby until we

can both agree that we just want two kids.

I'm not agreeing to that.

Well, then you're going to have to make a baby without me.

Good luck.

What do you think of this negligee?

I knew it was only a matter of time before you seduced those missionaries.

They're totally your type.

Thin, dull, and pasty.

Greg won't risk having sex with me until I agree to having only one more child.

Oh, come on. Can't you guys work this out?

Well, he only wants two kids, and I want to keep trying until we have a girl.

We're at an impasse.

Did you and Jimmy ever have these kinds of arguments before you had kids?

I only remember Jimmy saying one thing to me before I got pregnant with

We got five bucks. You want beer or condoms?

Hey, I can see that.

You can have sex with Jimmy without a condom, but I'm sure it's tough without

beer.

Is there a door or something we can close? We can hear the salty talk.

We'll keep it down. Yeah, that would help. Thank you.

So you think that lingerie is going to work?

Oh, I'm not just putting on lingerie. I have a secret weapon.

Greg's got this spot on his neck. If I start kissing it, he's all mine.

Especially if I start to kiss it really slow at first and then get a little

harder and then gently flick my tongue back.

Ricky fell off his ladder. Are you happy now?

Tabasco sauce.

Gusting!

Gotta protect the goods, honey. Got to protect the goods.

You're into porno now, are you?

I saw it in the store. It looked interesting.

It's about a young woman's journey in Hollywood.

I guess that's her busty roommate with a hose.

Well, now they're all wet.

What? You're not going to watch?

You are one sad little lady.

Fine. Go.

You can't keep...

Don't judge me.

Are you guys allowed to have beer?

Only if we're prepared to give up our place in heaven.

It's Heineken.

No, thank you. Hey guys, why don't you take a break and watch a game with us?

Um, yeah, we're not allowed to watch any TV during our mission. Do you guys want

us to turn off the TV? It's fine, we'll just keep our backs turned. It's

actually a good test of discipline.

Oh my god, yes! Yes, what a shot!

eyes. Would you relax?

Now, come on.

I told you I'm not trying to seduce you anymore. Come on. You're really going to

like this.

Micro spin technologies.

What a place.

Greg, you're not going to believe this.

They do gender selection.

But I'm happy with my gender.

Not for you, for our baby.

I found the solution to our problem.

You can have two kids and I can have a boy and a girl. I don't understand.

Look, the sperm cells that make girls are slightly larger than the ones that

make boys.

So they can separate them by spinning them around really fast and give us a 93

chance of conceiving a girl.

So they have this machine that spins us around while we're having sex?

I don't know if I could stay on.

They don't spin us around, just the sperm.

It's all done artificially.

Who wants to have a baby like that?

I knew this was going to be some kind of trick. I wasn't trying to trick you.

This is so practical. I thought you of all people would love this.

At least I'm looking for answers. When you come up with a solution, let me

Oh, okay. So now this is my fault because I didn't like your idea.

I'm sorry I didn't want to go through with all this. It's just not the way I

pictured having a baby.

Really?

Really? Because it's just how I pictured it.

Wait until I can get a cup full of my husband's sperm, spin it around, shoot

with lasers, and then get artificially inseminated.

It's every girl's dream.

Well, see, you admit it. You don't want to do it either.

Look, I admit it's not perfect.

But we have different ideas of what's perfect.

I thought that this would be a compromise that we could both live with.

I guess I was wrong.

I'm sorry.

Let's go home.

Wait a second.

What?

Well, I've only been thinking about me, and you've been thinking about both of

us.

If you really want to go through with all this, so do I.

Are you sure?

Yeah, I mean, it's the only way we can both get what we want.

So you want to go in and get our physicals?

Okay. But when they ask me for a sample, will you go in the bathroom with me and

help me out?

Greg, they're not going to ask for samples on our first visit.

Kim, you've been teasing me for three days. Believe me, I'm going into that

bathroom with or without you.

Yeah, we won $20 on the Utah game.

Ooh, making $100. I still got that money from the bake sale.

What are you guys doing?

Oh, hey.

Um, I guess somebody left the TV on and we were trying to figure out how to turn

it off.

But you're gambling and drinking.

You made it look so fun, we wanted to see if it was really as fun as it

It's awesome.

Oh, my God. You've converted them to Jimmy -ism.

All right, look, you know, maybe you should slow down on the beer.

Oh, well, maybe you should shut up.

You guys have to go. But it's fun. We want to stay. Guys, look around you.

At the gambling and the drinking and the worshipping of false idols.

Do you realize where you are?

This is Sodom and Gomorrah.

Are you familiar with Genesis 19?

The story of Lot?

And the Lord said, Escape for thy life.

Look not behind thee, nor stay here in the plain.

But escape to the mountain, lest thou be consumed.

Thank you.

Who are you?

Relax. Sometimes I catch the last five minutes of 700 Club before Soul Train

comes on.

Hey, guys, what's up? We found a place where we can solve our baby dilemma.

Yeah, it's great. They have this incredible procedure where they spin the

to separate the ones with the female genes from the ones with the male genes

basically guarantees that you'll have a girl.

You guys are actually going to do that?

Yeah, we just got our physicals.

Why? I don't know. I mean, it just seems kind of weird.

I mean, what's next? You can choose your child's hair color, eye color, IQ?

Yeah, that is weird.

Yeah, I mean, before you know it, everybody's going to look like a model

great in school.

Think there's going to be room in that world for regular people, people like

Oh, my God, you're trying to stamp us out.

You're being ridiculous.

Look, you guys, if this feels right to you, you go ahead. It just seems wrong

me. I mean, think about it. If Jimmy and I had done this after we had Dominic,

we wouldn't have Logan.

I can't imagine life without Logan.

It's just, I think fate gives you the child you were meant to have.

Well, you know, maybe fate made Kim go to the doctor, who, because of fate,

her about the procedure, which brought us to the laboratory in the first place.

You know?

Huh? Wrap your brain around that earth, Mama.

No, I brought us to the lab. Greg, I don't know about this anymore.

What? It's just that before we had Sammy, I secretly wanted a girl.

If I'd gotten my wish, we wouldn't have him.

No, we'd have a beautiful girl that we loved very much.

I don't know. We'd be spinning the sperm in the other direction to try to have a

boy now.

I'm just not sure about this anymore. I'm sorry.

I'm going to call the doctor and put this on hold.

What? I don't even have a say in this?

Well, this is just dandy. Thanks for making me get a physical for nothing.

And for men over 30, that's no walk in the park. In fact, after what they do to

you, it's kind of hard to walk in the park.

Greg, maybe it's for the best. I mean, it's kind of more magical leaving these

things up to fate.

Okay, well, thanks.

Bye. Kim, I don't want to just leave this up to fate when we have the ability

control our lives. I'm sorry, I just don't want to do that. I don't want to

back and roll the dice like our life is some board game.

Well, the doctor says we can't do it anyway.

Why?

Because I'm already pregnant.

Yes, sir!

Jimmy, you know, there's another bottle of mustard in the fridge. All you have

to do is walk in there.

Now get it.

I just got off the phone with Mom. She and Dad are so excited that you're

pregnant.

And you're fine with it? You know, it could be a boy.

And that's great. We'll just try for a girl next time.

Christine's right. It's fate.

You get the baby you're supposed to have.

I'm glad to hear you feel that way.

Of course, that doesn't mean that we still can't hope for a girl.

Oh, well, we can do more than hope.

What else do you have?

I've got a prayer request from Kim Warner.

She wants a baby girl.

Should I take this one upstairs?

Maybe.

Anything else in there?

Here's another one from Jimmy Hughes.

I'll just put it in the trash.

No, wait a minute.

He just saved those two missionaries for us.

What does he want?