Original subtitles

Is Greg's mom here yet? Not yet.

Jimmy, where are your pants?

They're right here.

Remember when I accidentally put my pants in the dryer with the Tootsie Roll

the pocket and they smelled like chocolate for a week?

Yeah. Well, they stopped smelling.

So, how long is Greg's mother going to be in town? Four days.

It should go by pretty quickly.

That is, if God answers my prayers and makes the earth spin faster.

Come on, I thought you liked her.

I do. It's just that all she ever does with me is make small talk.

She tells me about an article she just read, or she constantly talks about the

weather and traffic.

And if she could give me the sports scores, I could throw out my AM radio.

I think I heard them.

The garage door is closing.

Well, time to dust off the head tilt, frozen smile, and interested eyebrow

Really?

Wait a minute. That's exactly what you did to me this morning when I was

you about my physics class.

Really?

Hello. Hey, where's your mom?

Oh, she's still getting some stuff in the car.

Yeah, it's a lot of luggage.

I thought she was only staying four days. You said she was only staying four

days.

My father's with her.

I thought he wasn't coming. Well, as it turns out, she didn't want to leave him.

She was afraid that he wouldn't remember to take his blood pressure medicine.

She was going to set a timer to remind him, but then she was worried that he

wouldn't know how to turn it off. Then she was going to have a neighbor come

Okay, enough. I get it. Are you sure? Because that was my entire ride from the

airport.

That and my mother's performance of Greg, there's a truck up ahead, which

little something like this.

Greg, there's a truck up ahead.

Greg, there's a truck.

Greg, honey, do you see the truck?

Because if you can't see him, he can't see you. Greg, there's a truck up ahead.

Wow, there's a lot of trucks on the freeways out here.

Hi, Kim.

Hey, Kim. Hi.

Hi, guys.

Hey, Christine.

Hey, Tom, Natalie.

Can't.

So do you guys want a Coke or something? Oh, boy, I could use a little

something. Oh, don't give it to him.

He doesn't need any caffeine.

It'll just keep him up.

As a matter of fact, he should probably go lie down for a little bit.

You're tired from the trip.

I don't feel tired. Trust me.

You are going to be tired.

Oh, well, maybe you're right.

See you after my nap, everybody.

Dad, I'll help you get these bags up to the roof.

So, Kim, how are you?

Oh, pretty good. You?

No complaints?

The weather's good here?

No traffic coming in from the airport?

Did some reading on the plane?

I read an article about Belgium.

Did you know that they put mayonnaise on their French fries instead of ketchup?

Really?

Go fee.

Now, it's my turn, so give me all the twos you have in your hand.

Oh, good.

That's a queen.

Okay, but look, I'm going to take it.

I don't need it, but I'm going to take it.

Boy,

this is a pretty good rummy hand.

A real good rummy hand.

Okay, let's play rummy.

Does anybody want some ice cream? Oh, boy, I could use a little. Yes, what

you got?

Yeah, turn it, Tom. You don't need any ice cream.

Don't give him any. He had a cookie on the plane.

Mom, if he wants some ice cream... No, no, no, no, no, no, no. That's okay,

Greg. She's right. I shouldn't ruin my dinner, although... Do you think that

little spoonful of ice cream would...

I guess it would.

You know, it's starting to get so humid back home.

Really?

You know, it's not really the heat that gets you. It's the... Humidity, I know.

That and the mosquitoes. Oh, the mosquitoes.

Don't get me started.

Try not to.

Hey, do you think my mother bosses my father around too much?

I guess she's a little rough on him.

You know, maybe that's what happens when you've been married so long.

I mean, if you look at us, as my grandpappy used to say, we're coming

done been.

Well, I know where grandpappy hasn't done been.

English class.

No, I'm just saying, it's not like we get to do whatever we want. You know, we

let our wives make all kinds of decisions just to avoid a fight. My mom

him around like he's a dog.

I mean, he used to fight back every once in a while when I was a kid, but now he

doesn't do anything at all.

Poor guy.

Guess he just gave up.

I'm going out.

Where are you going?

Well, I told your mother I was going to the store, but if you really need me,

I'll be in the backyard hiding behind a bush.

Maybe you should spring him.

What? Your father.

Why don't you maybe get him out of here for a little while? Give him a little

break from your mother.

I don't know. Oh, come on, man. If things were this bad for you, wouldn't

want Sammy to step in and rescue you for a while?

Give you a little vacation?

Greg, would you mind if I took Sammy to the park for a little bit? No, that

would be great. A little bonding time with his grandma and grandpa.

Actually, Tom is going to stay here.

It's just too hard for me to keep an eye on both of them.

Dad, what are you going to do here at the house?

I was going to pick some of those oranges off that tree you got in the

there. Now, if he needs to get up on a stepladder to reach them, be sure you

hold on to his leg.

I know how to climb a ladder.

In college, I was a volunteer fireman.

Of course you were, sweetie.

Greg, keep an eye on him.

Hey, listen, Dad.

How would you like to go on a vacation?

I am on vacation.

No, I mean like a real vacation. Just me and you. We could start a tradition.

I mean, this year we could go to, I don't know, Las Vegas or something. And

year we could go to the Super Bowl or the Final Four. Anything you want. You

know, start like a real father -son tradition.

Nah.

Well, why?

Well, your mother wouldn't like it. Oh, she'd be fine with it. I don't think so.

Well, I'm going to talk to her, okay? Wouldn't you want to go to Vegas?

Yeah. I'd like to see what that Vegas is all about, but... Well, I don't know.

If she says okay, all right, I'll go. Oh, man, you're going to love it. Yeah.

Yeah.

I'm coming too, right?

Yeah, I guess. I mean, $1 .99 buffets, it's cheaper for me to feed you there

than here.

Mom, hold on a second.

What? Dad and I were thinking about starting a tradition where we do

special every year. Kind of like a father -son thing.

And I thought I'd start off by taking him to Vegas this weekend.

Oh, I don't think so.

You can't just say no.

Well, yes, I can.

He's my husband. Well, yeah, but that doesn't mean you can boss him around

some child. I mean, he's a grown man. He has rights.

We have rights.

Great. Sweetie, you don't know what you're talking about.

He's not going.

And you be sure he washes off those oranges before he eats any of them. I

need him getting sick. We'll be back in about an hour.

Well, what'd she say?

Jazz, pack your bags.

We're going to Vegas.

No, no one's home. I thought she was in the other room, but then I realized

someone had just left the weather channel on.

I'm going to get changed real quick and go to the gym.

Hello?

Hi.

Where's Greg?

Well, I have no idea. He was here when we left.

Oh, look, here's the note.

Oh my God.

I can't believe this.

They actually went to Las Vegas.

What?

Greg took Tom to Las Vegas. I can't believe he did this. I told him not to

I can't believe he left me here.

Amazing. It actually feels like we're in the Amazon.

Except the only thing endangered here is taste.

Hey, I would tell you my idea for a casino thing.

Smokey and the Bandit.

All the dealers would wear black hats and red shirts, sleep in a Trans Am bed,

call for room service on the CB.

Then at night, you'd go down to the Beaufort T. Justice Lounge.

We're appearing on stage for your enjoyment nightly.

Little Anus himself, Mr. Paul Williams.

Hey, where did my father go?

Oh, there he is.

Hey, Dad, what are you doing?

You believe this?

They got real monkeys here. Yeah, pretty cool, huh?

So here we are, huh? Las Vegas. Why don't you go start having fun, and Jimmy

I will check us in.

Gotcha. Bye.

Dad, what are you doing?

Sorry,

I don't know what to do.

What do you mean?

Well, I don't know where to go. I usually follow your mother, and that way

know I'm going the right way. Dad, that's not going the right way. That's

her way. There is no right way. Mom's not here. Can you make some decisions on

your own for once?

Look, go have some fun. I don't know. Go check out the casino.

Gotcha.

Dad, that's the wrong way. The casino is.

That way. That way.

Your mother would have known that.

You do know the phrase, all you can eat isn't a dare, right?

Hey, they take my money at those tables, I get it back at these tables.

Dad, is that your lunch?

Yeah, why?

It's all desserts.

Yeah, I know.

Well, you see, I was thinking about what you were talking about, Greg, and

you're right.

I should live my life this weekend. Yes, sir.

And your mother never lets me have any desserts.

So that's all I'm having.

Yeah, I got my pudding, my ice cream, my pie.

Are you sure you want... You know what?

Enjoy yourself.

I'm going to just mash these all together and make one big dessert

I think I just found the head chef from my casino.

Dad, this way.

What's wrong?

I don't feel so well.

Me either.

I ate enough food to make up for the money I lost at Blackjack, but now I'm

going to have to go get some Tums from the gift shop.

You know, I'm going to go to the gift shop to rip you off.

Then I'm going to have to go back and eat more food to get in for the Tums.

It's going to be a long day.

You know, I think I ate too much sugar.

Yeah, well, you'll feel better after you walk around a little. Why don't we walk

down the strip and check out some of the new hotels?

Yeah, yeah, or we can do a little people watching. Yeah, that's what I love

about Vegas. No matter how bad you feel about yourself, you don't have to look

too far to see some idiot who's worse off than you.

Well, most of them come out later.

Look, I'll tell you what.

I'm just going to go up to James' clothes and maybe go out by the pool and

lie there for a while.

Do you have your key?

Yeah, I got it.

Oh, boy.

I think I left it on the tray and threw it away.

I'll tell you what. You guys go ahead. I'll just rummage through the trash.

No, no.

That's okay. Take mine. Now remember, Jimmy and I are going to meet you right

here at 4. We're going to gamble a little, get something to eat, and I've

all of us tickets to Cirque du Soleil. Oh, sounds great.

Dad, you're having a good time, right? Definitely.

Definitely, yes.

Dad.

Huh? The room's back.

Gotcha.

You might as well be navigating his way through the actual Amazon.

How's it going, Natalie?

Well, she's been talking about yarn.

And for the past half hour, I've been trying to move an ashtray across the

with my mind.

Look, Kim, you know what? She's probably just uncomfortable, you know? I mean,

you're her daughter -in -law. She doesn't know what to say to you, that's

But here she comes. I'm going to help you out.

I believe I'll have a snack.

Crackers, maybe. I love crackers.

Saltines are my favorite.

Kim, what's your favorite? I don't know, wrists, I guess.

Um, hey, Natalie, Kim and I were just talking about, you know, interesting

things that have happened to us, and we were just, you know, wondering, what's

the most exciting thing that's ever happened to you?

Oh. I don't know.

Well, come on. I mean, there must be something.

You know, I mean, when I say the words exciting and you, what comes to mind?

Well, I feel a little funny telling you girls this.

Oh, come on, you can tell us.

I kissed Ringo Starr.

Shut up.

That's so cool.

Yeah, why wouldn't you want to tell us that?

It must have been so amazing to grow up during that whole Beatles frenzy and

all. Oh, no, no, this was just last year.

I met him at a bar at an airport Hilton. And, well, it was just one of those

things. We started talking.

Tom was upstairs in bed.

I'd had a few whiskey sours.

I know this must just sound terrible. Oh, well, yeah.

It was only one kiss.

And you have to understand, Tom and I have trouble in bed.

Sometimes Tom... Hey!

You don't have to explain.

Well, but I do. I do. I've been wanting to get this off my chest for months.

You see, it's not that Tom is really incapable in that. It's just that, uh...

Well, he's... He's a very selfish lover.

Well, you know, I think Logan needs a bath. You're not going in...

I don't believe this. Square easy. I told him 4 o 'clock.

Here he comes.

Hi,

guys. Dad, what happened? Oh, I, uh, I got a little burnt. I fell asleep out by

the pool.

Didn't you use sunscreen?

Uh, no. See, your mother always reminds me about that sunscreen stuff.

Are you in a lot of pain?

Tremendous pain.

Thanks for asking.

I almost feel like I'm on fire.

Are you going to be all right to go to dinner and surf the soleil? No, I don't

think so. I think I'm just going to go up to the room and maybe soak in a cold

bath and cry.

Dad, I wanted you to have fun this weekend. You've done nothing but... You

something? It's okay.

Why don't you go on up to the room and I hope you feel better. All right, great.

Oh, get another room, Pete.

You lost my key, too. No, no, no, no, no. I know exactly where your key is.

in my wallet.

Where's your wallet? No idea.

Hey, you know what? Why don't you take my key, and I'll just go to the front

desk and tell them I lost mine. I'll get a new one.

They don't charge you for lost keys. Yeah.

That should make me even for the tongues.

Okay, great. Thanks, guys.

Dad. Huh?

You're going the wrong way again. Oh.

I've told you over a hundred times, the room is that way.

Okay, now listen up. You go through that archway, take a right, take the first

door on the left, and the elevators are right there. Okay, yeah.

What's going on there?

He's unbelievable.

Absolutely unbelievable.

Greg, it's not his fault. This place is huge.

I got lost a few times myself.

Yeah, I know, Jimmy. It's a huge place with huge signs that say casino that

rooms that way, elevators that way.

I swear it would literally be easier for us to have our children with us here in

Vegas than my father.

Come on, he's not that bad. Don't exaggerate. Don't exaggerate? Are you

me? I mean, at least with children, you don't expect anything from them. You can

just strap them in a stroller and know that they're safe.

Relax, he'll be fine.

He's made it this far without you. I'm sure he's okay.

Why don't you just take it easy on the poor guy? He's your father.

Right. You're getting worked up over nothing.

I swear, it's just sometimes it's like he doesn't even think. You know what I

mean? You constantly have to keep an eye on him.

It's not like he's a complete idiot.

Trust me, if he didn't always have someone telling him what to do, God

sure.

And let me tell you another thing, honey.

Size does matter.

Is it a crime to say it?

Natalie. Sammy.

The pretty nanny's just talking about basketball, okay?

Thank God they're back.

Hey.

Where's Greg?

Oh, he's coming.

Dad, come on. Get in here. And don't walk on the grass. You're going to get

shoes wet.

You take care of it. I don't know how you do it. I do not know how you do it.

You're a saint, Mom.

An absolute saint.

Tom, what happened?

I was attacked by monkeys.

Well, I could have told you that was going to happen.