Original subtitles

It's about time you guys got in here to take care of this.

I've been telling Greg for months he needs to have a will.

I just want you to shut up. Every time we play golf, all he talks about is me

dying.

Well, we've got to talk about something while you're trying to get out of the

sand trap. Okay.

You hear that? This guy's taking more mulligans than the Irish potato famine.

Okay. In the event of both of your deaths...

Who would you like to have custody of, Sammy?

That would be my sister, Christine Hughes, and her husband, Jimmy.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Stop writing, Marty.

What's the matter?

Well, I just think we should discuss this first.

What's to discuss? Jimmy and Christine are family.

Yes, that's true.

But, but, but, but, but... Sammy has other family, too.

Like who?

My sister.

Greg, your sister's not exactly a child person.

Now, the last time we saw her, she kept referring to Sammy as it.

Maybe you should feed it.

You should keep an eye on it.

Does it always smell like that?

Well, fine. How about your cousin, Trina? She's under house arrest.

Perfect. No need for a babysitter.

Give me one good reason why this shouldn't be Jimmy and Christine.

Look, I mean...

Christine's great, but to leave a child that he has such hopes and dreams for in

the hands of Jimmy, I mean... Greg, Jimmy and Christine have known Sammy

the day he was born.

He's comfortable with them. He loves them. You know they're the perfect

Fine, fine. We'll go with them. But they're not the perfect choice. They are

only choice.

If your cousin doesn't light anything on fire in the next year, we're going to

revisit this.

Okay, so we're agreed on Jimmy and Christine Hughes.

Yes. I just have to make sure that I don't die before Jimmy.

What am I worried about? 60 % of his diet ends in ito.

Hey, we need to talk to you guys. We just got back from our attorney.

I understand. I'll start packing.

Well, I'm glad you understand.

Kim, he may never say those words again.

We're making at our will.

Oh, yeah, well, we were going to do that one day, remember?

We started looking for a pen and realized we didn't have one.

And we thought about it and realized we didn't have anything.

Well, it was pretty easy because we're leaving everything to Sammy.

And if anything should happen to us, we were hoping that you guys would raise

him.

Really?

Yeah, of course.

Hey, thanks, man. This means a lot.

Hey, look, it's no big deal. And just so we're clear, you know, we have to be

dead dead.

If we're both in an accident and we're brain dead with machines keeping us

alive, just push Sammy up against the bed. We'll keep an eye on him.

Well, don't worry. If anything happens to you guys, we'll raise Sammy like he

was one of our own. Great.

I spent all that time teaching him how to use a fork.

Look, you know, I feel kind of funny bringing up money at a time like this,

we are talking about another mouth defeat on my salary. How am I supposed

for that?

Oh, Greg has tons of life insurance through his company. You'd have more

enough. Really?

How much?

Don't worry about it. A million?

I don't know. Something like that.

Hey, Christine, did you hear that? We'd be millionaires.

Are you happy now?

I'm worth more to him dead than I am alive.

Craig, relax.

I mean, we know this is never going to happen.

Yeah, it's kind of like the lotto, you know.

Even though you know you're probably not going to win, it's still fun to think

about the million dollars.

You know, except in this case, I'm not waiting for my numbers to come up. I'm

waiting for your number to come up.

So, you know, God forbid anything happens, would the money be in our name

Sammy's? Greg's sister would handle the money. And if you needed anything, you

would just ask her and she'd write you a check.

So let me get this straight. You'd trust us with your kid, but you wouldn't

trust us with your money?

Well, I mean, if you lose my kid, there's a chance he may find his way

the racetrack. If you lose my money, it's gone for good.

Hey, look, just because I don't have any money doesn't mean I can't be

responsible with it. I could be, especially if it was somebody else's.

Oh, I don't know, Jimmy. I mean, you know I love you, right? But come on, you

are the guy who traded boardwalk for Baltic because you like purple.

Hey, look, I'm a lot better. with money than I used to be, and I've learned a

lot by watching the way that you guys handle things.

I'm in the process of fixing my credit, and I got a retirement plan at work.

Yeah, yeah, and you've totally given up the dream of Dominic joining a boy band

to pay for college.

The boy's pretty, but he's not boy band pretty.

You know, Greg, it actually would be easier if Jimmy and Christine handled

our money and Sammy.

And what makes you think your sister would do a better job anyway?

Come on, Kim, are you kidding me? Do you have any idea what Jimmy would do with

a million dollars? He'd be like a kid in a candy store.

And I literally mean he would buy a million dollars worth of candy.

I think he'd be fine.

You know, we could at least give him a chance to prove himself.

You know, give him some money and see if he can be responsible with it.

Hey, we've got that tax refund. That's like found money.

Found money? I earned that. They're just giving it back. How can it be found

money when it's still yours?

Oh, I found a couch. Oh, lucky day.

Don't tell anyone. I think I'm going to keep it.

Come on, Greg. Give me a chance.

Greg, it's my money, too.

I really think we should let him try.

I'm going to give him $1 ,500.

Fine. Give him whatever you want. It'll be the best investment I'll ever make.

Because when he loses all of the money, this will never come up again, and I'll

know the rest of my money is safe forever.

Hey, Greg, you know what? I might surprise you. I might be smarter than

think. Really? Let me ask you this.

Would you like the $1 ,500 in a lump sum, or should I give it to you $100 a

for 10 days at 10 % interest a day?

Well, I think you know as well as I do that the interest rate fluctuates

according to the ratio NASDAQ.

Greenspan?

Is he still looking at me?

Hello.

Hi, baby.

Just back from the broker's.

God, Dick, Jimmy, at this point, I don't know why you just don't sell that

watch.

Not the pawnbroker, the stockbroker.

That reminds me, I gotta pick up my banjo tomorrow.

No, I took all the money that Greg gave me, and I did something smart with it. I

bought some stock.

Jimmy. Are you sure you thought this through? I mean, the stock market is not

sure thing.

Don't worry. I invested the entire thing in a very safe company, United Foods.

Who?

United Foods.

They make some of the greatest snack cakes of all times.

Bing bangs, yum yum wheels, pudding pies.

I know this company, Christine.

So basically to counter Greg's argument that you'd be like a kid in a candy

store, you went out and invested all the money in pies.

It's better than a bank account, okay? It may not be some big, fancy stock, but

historically it goes up a little bit each year. And the broker said it has a

very low P .E. ratio right now. There's never been a better time to buy.

What's a P .E. ratio?

I don't know.

Pies to everyone?

Either way, the broker said it's a good stock.

Well, if the stock guy says it's a safe stock, I'm sure it is.

Can you pick out a financial website for me?

All right, there you go.

Oh, there it is.

Hey, hey, look at that. It's up to 16th already.

How much is it, 16th?

It's roughly 6 cents.

Yeah, but I own 100 shares, so it's 600 cents.

So, basically, someone just bought... Three yum -yum wheels.

Hey, look at that. It's up another sixteenth. Eh, making money.

Oh, down an eighth.

Uh -oh.

Oh, wait, wait, wait. Back up an eighth.

Oh, good.

Oh, down three sixteenths. Oh, come on, come on! What are you guys doing down

there?

Jimmy, relax, all right? It's always going to go up and down a little. You

just drive yourself crazy watching it.

You're right, you're right. All right, I'm going to go take a walk.

Down at 16.

You guys see where I went in? I thought maybe I

could fish it out.

You playing a Titleist?

Jimmy, what are you doing?

Working. I started a business.

What? Well, I put your money in the stock market, but it was driving me

I knew I could do something better with it, so I took over this golf ball

retrieval business.

Me and the boys.

Hey, hey, Spelman Hall today, huh, boys?

Yeah, we got 300 golf balls and two turtles.

dinky one is big white eyes.

Actually, I think we have one turtle and some digging to

do later.

Hey, how was golf today?

It was great.

On the third hole, I had a birdie. On the sixth hole, I chipped one in. And on

the ninth hole, I ran into Jock, who stole our money.

You're not going to believe what Jimmy did with the money you gave him.

It does.

Jimmy, what are you doing?

Jimmy started a golf ball retrieval business.

Tell her about it, Jim.

It's great.

I go to the golf... course on the weekends. I dive for balls that were

the lake and then I clean them and I sell them to the local golf shop.

Oh.

Sounds like a good plan.

Yeah, it sounds great. It combines his love of sports and his love of living

stuff other people paid for.

If it wasn't a legitimate business, I wouldn't have spent $1 ,500 on it.

You spent the entire $1 ,500?

Yeah. I mean, you got your two -day diving certification class. That's $350

right there. Then I had to lay out $700 for the wetsuit, the air tank, and the

collecting bags.

Then there's insurance.

Okay, that ran me about $85.

Of course, there's the fee. I got to pay the club to let me dive, and that

pretty much took up the whole chunk of change right there.

Wow, you actually took a scuba diving class.

Yeah, how wonderful it is that we can fund your hobbies. Would you like to

the piano? Maybe take tap dance?

Because I got a paycheck today, and as we all know, that's found money.

For your information, I got almost 500 balls today, okay? The pro shop is

me a quarter a ball. So when all is said and done, I'll have made $125 in one

day. Wow, that's pretty good.

I'll have your initial investment back in less than three months. Then it's all

profit. You've really thought this through, Jimmy.

Greg? We'll see.

Come on, admit it. I'm pretty good with this financial stuff.

I'm beginning to feel like a regular Jimmy Buffett.

You mean Warren.

Who's Jimmy Warren?

any more balls, Dad?

No. But I saved the frog from a snapping turtle.

They think I'm Aquaman down there.

I'm tired.

Can we go home yet? No, okay? We've been here all day and I only got ten balls.

We're not going home until I find at least a dozen.

Hey, guys, great job today. Why don't you go get washed up, okay?

So, if you get to work on that list of stuff, you want to get done around the

house? Yeah, finish it.

Wow, you finished all those things?

No, I finished the lift.

And then I took a two -hour bath.

Check.

Well, I'm glad you had fun.

How'd you do today?

Not so good.

I think I'm in trouble.

Why? How many balls did you get? Well, I thought I had 12, but somehow I lost

two.

But you got so many the other day. How is that possible?

I don't know. I guess I got them all. Nobody must have fished out that lake in

months.

Well, why don't you just try another golf course? I mean, there's lots of

around here. I can't. They already have people who do this.

Guess you're just gonna have to go tell Kim and Greg things aren't working out.

And admit that I can't handle money? No way.

Well, so what are you gonna do?

I don't know.

But I will think of something.

What do you got there?

Seven -iron.

Ooh. I don't know about that.

It's only 150 yards.

Let me let you in on a little secret about this hole.

The sign says 150 yards, but it's all downhill.

With the prevailing wind at your back, it plays a whole lot more like 135.

Really? Yep.

You know, if I were you, I'd go with a nine iron. Thanks. I'm just saying.

Cool.

Wow, that's some big raccoon, huh?

I wouldn't go near that thing.

Probably rabid.

Careful.

Man, come on, stay out of the water.

Giving up the business.

Turns out I didn't do enough research.

Only good golfers play this course because it's so hard, and good golfers

hit the ball into the water.

By the way, Greg, I found six more of your personalized golf balls.

Hey, guys, listen.

Just because we failed out there doesn't mean we have anything to be ashamed of,

okay? We put in an honest day's work.

I want you to go reach under the fence, grab the neighbor's hose, and clean off

these balls we stole.

Poor little guys.

One day they're going to look back and realize how stupid their father is.

Or more likely they'll have my genes and be so stupid they won't even realize

it.

You weren't stupid, Jimmy. You just ran into some problems.

At least you gave it a shot. That's what's important.

Now you just pick yourself up and dust yourself off? And give it another shot?

Sorry, we haven't found any more money.

Well, don't worry, okay? You'll have your money back tomorrow.

At least most of it.

I lost a couple hundred.

Turns out if you don't wear a bathing suit under your scuba gear, they're a

little picky about taking it back.

Well, don't worry about it. I kissed that money goodbye when I gave it to

Look, it's not like I didn't work hard. I mean, I haven't had a day off in two

weeks. Look, I never said you didn't work hard. I just can't figure out...

Why you're always making the wrong decisions. I mean, diving for golf

really. Well, I just thought I could make some money starting my own

Well, starting your own business isn't a bad idea. It's just, why does your mind

immediately go to the worst possibility?

Look, it wasn't like the golf ball business was my first idea.

Oh, really? There were other ideas?

Let me guess.

Frisbee retrieval.

That way you can just hang out on people's roofs or up in trees or maybe

chase a dog.

I thought about getting some guys together from work and starting my own

security firm.

Well, you know, at least that was something you knew about. I mean, it's

overhead.

That might have worked. Why didn't you try that?

Because I couldn't do that with Dominic and Logan.

What? I know, I know.

You shouldn't think about these kind of things when you're starting a business.

It's just that...

I work so much during the week that I never get to see them that much, and

weekends are the only time we get to hang out.

So, basically, you were pretty sure that you could make more money doing

something else, but you decided on this whole golf ball thing instead?

I know.

Stupid. Well, at least you guys know I can't be trusted with your money.

Jimmy, I always knew you couldn't be trusted with my money.

But now I know you could be trusted with my son.

What?

Look, man, even though I agreed to it, I was never comfortable with leaving

Sammy with you guys.

But with this business stuff, the first thing you thought about wasn't money.

You know, it was family.

And now I know that if anything should ever happen to me, that my boy will be

good hands.

Thanks, man.

Really, thanks.

Listen, Greg.

Christine and I were talking and we'd like you to take care of Dominic and

Logan.

We'd be honored, but you don't have to worry about that because none of us are

going to die anytime soon.

Yeah, I'm not talking about dying. I'm talking about this weekend.

We're thinking about heading up to Santa Barbara and trying to unwind after this

whole golf ball fiasco.

I can't wait to get a massage.

Hey, how much are the jawbreakers?

15 cents.

Why don't you give me like 100 ,000 of those?

Okay.

You got any malted milk balls?

Yeah. How much?

10 cents.

Why don't you give me like 80 ,000 of those?

Okay.

You do have enough money to pay for all this, right?

Yeah, my brother -in -law got hit by a bus this morning. How much are the

Zagnuts?

Jimmy. Jimmy.

Wake up. You're drooling all over the couch again.

I just had this dream that you were dead.

You were in a candy store, weren't you?

Yes.