Original subtitles

Hey, honey, how was school?

Oh, feet are killing me from walking all over campus.

I offered a guy in a wheelchair a lap dance just to give me a ride to the car.

Come over, sit here by me, and I'll make you feel better. Oh, nice.

What the hell are you doing?

Come on, Jimmy, just give him a little rub. No, Christina, you know how I am

with feet.

Like, they get sweaty, and then stuff gets...

Stuck between the toes and... See what you did?

Fine. Fine. You know what?

Next time you want me to do something I'm not in the mood to do, I'm not going

to do it.

You don't rub Kim's feet, do you?

Oh, yeah. When we were dating, I used to massage her feet for hours.

Really? Because I've never seen you do it. Well, we're married now. I mean, you

don't see me writing love poems or getting out of the shower to pee either.

Long day, huh?

Oh, there you are. Couldn't wait to get home and wrap my arms around you.

Hi,

I love you.

I bet your feet are killing you.

Hey, don't please me, all right? No, look, I felt bad about yesterday, so I

something for you.

Take a look at this.

What is that?

That is the Podia Pool 8000.

32 jets that deliver tingling micro -bubble aeration.

It's like having thousands of little fingers massage your feet. And the best

part is, none of them are mine.

Jimmy, I'm not using that, okay? It's for old ladies.

Come on, Christine. Look at the woman on the box. She seems to be enjoying it.

Jimmy, she's 90. She's just happy that her feet are wet on purpose.

Come on, will you just give it a try? What's the worst that could happen?

Well, let's see. There's water. There's electricity.

So, um, that would be, uh...

Death?

Christine, they wouldn't sell something that wasn't absolutely safe.

Said the man who drove me around while I was pregnant in a Pinto.

Hey, that was a good car.

And besides, if it wasn't for that back seat that folded down, you wouldn't have

been pregnant in the first place, all right?

Try it.

Oh, wow.

Oh, wow.

Well?

It's pretty good, huh?

Yeah. See, this is what a marriage is all about. It's like you have a need,

I find a way to take care of it.

Yep.

And sometimes I don't think you give me enough credit. It's like, there you

were, just ready to tee off. You all stop talking. You're going to ruin this

me.

It's like we're in that backseat of that Pinto again.

Don't forget to put down the TV in the bedroom and that new laptop computer you

got. Hey, what are you guys doing?

Making an inventory list of all the valuables we have in the house.

Hey, I told you before, I'm no thief.

If something's missing, you might want to check Christine's closet.

We're switching our homeowner's insurance.

Oh. Hey, so, uh, how does this whole homeowner's insurance work, anyway?

Well, it's really very simple. First, you go out and buy a house.

You know what? Why don't you go do that and then I'll explain the rest to you.

They want to see an appraisal of my engagement ring.

Well, it's probably out with all that paperwork in the garage.

Well, you want to go get it?

No, you can go get it.

You don't mind if I see how much you paid for my engagement ring?

Kim, what are you going to leave me if I didn't spend enough?

We've been married six years. We have a child together.

You need my help to reach anything above the bottom shelf.

But if you didn't spend enough, I'm buying a stepstool and throwing you out

your ass.

Oh, my God, I can't believe this just fell into my lap.

What? Well, she's going to finally see how much that ring cost.

It's about time I got credit for how much I spent.

I didn't have to spend a lot of money on Christine's ring. Why is that?

Well, you know, they say you're supposed to spend two months' salary.

Lucky for me, I wasn't working at the time.

Wow.

What in the world was that for?

I can't believe how much money you spent on this ring.

Well, that's how much you meant to me.

Not even like you bought it at some discount store where you got a deal.

the best jewelry store in D .C.

I know.

The best for the best.

Greg?

Yeah, honey?

When did you buy this ring?

What's that?

The receipt says you bought this ring two years before you met me.

Well, that's ridiculous. How would they know when I met you?

Greg, what's going on?

Okay, so I bought you a very, very expensive ring before I met you. I mean,

whoop.

Why would you buy a ring before you...

No, I didn't. That's your engagement ring. I didn't even ask her.

Kim, I didn't. I came straight home from the jeweler's. I was going to ask her

for her hand, but it was already busy in my roommate's pants.

Well, Greg, why didn't you just return it? Because it was for jewelry store

credit only, and I'm not Mr. T.

Besides, it was a beautiful ring, and I knew I would get married someday.

I can't believe you bought an engagement ring for someone else and tried to fool

me by having Kim engraved in it. Kim, I would never try to fool you. I didn't

have Kim engraved in it. Her name was Kelly Irene Maynard.

It's a miracle, really, when you think about it.

What are you doing?

I don't want it.

Kim, you're being ridiculous.

I'm not wearing someone else's ring.

Well, now what am I supposed to do?

Well... Very simple. First, you try not to be a cheap bastard.

You know what?

Why don't you go do that? Then I'll explain the rest to you.

Hey, the kids are asleep.

Ah, in for another dip.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah. Do you want to know how to take care of my baby?

Huh?

Oh, yeah, yeah.

Yeah?

Well, what do you say I turn down the lights and massage the rest of you?

And when I say the rest of you, I don't really mean the rest of you.

I mean a couple of strategic locations.

And when I say strategic locations, I don't really mean... No, no, no, no, no,

get it, I get it.

All right, why don't you get your feet out of that thing and come on over here.

But the water just got nice and warm.

And, you know, actually, the acupressure jets, they haven't finished their full

cycle yet.

Christine, okay, I gave the kids their bath.

I did a load of laundry. I don't know about you, but I consider that foreplay.

Hello.

What are you doing?

Nothing. You were looking at the foot bath.

No, I wasn't. You were, too.

Well, it's only because my feet still hurt.

Fine.

I'll do it.

To what? I'll touch them. I'll touch your feet.

Really? Yes, give them to me. I'll give them a rub.

I'm not going to let some machine come in here and steal my woman.

Again.

Just put them up here. Let's do this.

Okay.

Hey, it's not so bad.

Kind of like grabbing hold of a long hand with stubby fingers.

This is all right.

Yeah.

Hey, see? We don't need that stupid machine anymore.

Huh? How's that feel?

Great.

You can't just spring this kind of thing on a girl. I need time to think about

it.

Shut up.

Okay, I do.

Now listen, that's all you're getting until our wedding night. I don't know

you've heard about me, but I'm a good girl.

Will you marry me?

What did you do?

I'm making up for a mistake I made a long time ago. I should have never given

you that ring. You bought me my own ring?

Well, technically, he tried to give it to me first.

Shut up!

Will you marry me?

Yes.

This is the same ring. I know.

exactly like it no thanks what i don't want it i

don't want to wear a ring that reminds me of one that you bought for another

girl but you love that ring i figured you'd want one just like it one that i

bought for you sorry i don't well fine why don't you tell me what kind of ring

you want and i'll go out tomorrow and buy it or better yet come with me pick

out and i'll pay for it you just don't get it do you no no i don't i

I never know what the hell is going on.

We've been married all this time and you're just figuring that out?

Apparently you don't get it either, lady.

Greg, Greg, Greg.

Women are different. The normal person would just tell me what she wants. And

then you would do it.

Exactly. And then she'd think the only reason you did it is because she told

to do it.

She doesn't want that.

What? One year I drove a shuttle bus at Lillith Fair.

Sweaty today.

Weird.

What?

You were using the foot bath again.

I wasn't using it. I just took a quick dip.

The water is boiling hot, okay? The cord is warm. How long have you been using

this thing?

Only since... What time did you leave for work?

Okay, that's it, okay? You'd rather be with that thing than with me? I want it

out of our house. No, Jimmy, please.

I'm sorry, Christine, but this has got to...

Oh, good.

It can't be that good. Oh, oh, it is.

Better than me?

Oh!

It's my fault! I brought that thing into our house!

Well,

I have an idea.

What? Well, um, maybe we could, you know, use it together.

You mean like a threesome?

Yeah, if that's what you want to call it. Yeah.

Yeah, I think that's what I want to call it.

I mean, it's the closest I'm ever going to get to one.

Well, come on. Give it a try.

Okay.

I feel a little weird about this. I mean, it's like we're bringing an

into our relationship. I mean, what exactly does that mean? I mean, it just

seems kind of creepy and strange.

Oh.

Oh, my God.

I told you.

Come on in.

Oh, yeah.

Ew,

that's gross.

Oh, honey, we're just soaking our feet.

But why are you soaking them in the new potty?

This isn't a potty.

Logan thought it was.

I give up on this whole engagement ring thing. I don't know what you want.

All I know is you can't tell me what you want or else you won't get what you

want. I thought I married a woman. Turns out I married a Rubik's Cube.

You didn't even try.

Didn't even try?

Didn't even try? What do you think I've been doing all weekend?

I've been to jewelry stores in every mall, Beverly Hills, even went downtown

the Diamond District.

I've looked through every filthy eyepiece in the city.

A diamond may last forever, but I'm going to have pink eye for at least a

You went to all those places?

Yeah, because I was trying to find you the perfect ring, and I found a great

one, but the band was gold, and I thought you'd won platinum.

Then I found one where the diamond was square, and I thought maybe you'd want

to be round. And then I found one with good color, but I thought you would care

more about clarity.

Kim, I'm sorry. I have no idea what you want.

I already got what I want.

What?

I loved my old engagement ring.

Not because of what it looked like.

Not because of the band or the cut or the clarity.

I loved it because every time I looked at it, I pictured you searching for the

ring you thought would be perfect for me.

This weekend, you finally did it.

That was all I wanted.

Now that I have that.

Any ring you give me will be fine.

Well, in that case, will you marry me?

Greg, if I open this box and

you're trying to give me the same ring for the third time,

I'm going to be furious.

I'll give you a thousand dollars if you give me that box back.

I can't believe he's not back from the jewelry store yet.

I thought it wasn't about the ring, Zsa Zsa.

It's not.

It's the thought.

The thought that I'm getting a big diamond ring today.

I bet it's going to be huge. Oh, I don't care about that.

I just hope the clarity's good.

What do you mean?

Oh, I just hope that it doesn't have any flaws.

At least to the naked eye.

I hope it's not some cheap diamond with a lot of black spots in it.

Like this?

Well, it's the...

Well,

hello, ladies.

And who is this charming woman?

She must be single. I don't see a ring on her finger.

Well, you know, I've been waiting for the right opportunity to come up.

And I'm waiting for my lunch to come up. Can we see the ring, please?

Yes.

Remember how I said I was looking for the perfect ring?

Yeah. Well, it doesn't exist.

And I realized if I wanted you to have the perfect ring, I would have to design

it myself.

You're kidding me. You designed a ring yourself?

Yeah, you know, like Brad Pitt did with Jennifer Aniston.

I can't believe I'm getting a ring designed especially for me.

This is the sweetest thing anybody's ever... Oh!

Yeah, look. It has six little...

garnets in it because January's birthstone is garnet and you were born

6th and the two diamonds in the middle, one's yellow and one's blue because we

met in college and that was our school colors.

Yeah.

Sure. Of course they were.

What do you think about the band?

Oh, oh.

You got it engraved on the out... Side.

Yeah.

That way you don't have to take it off to read it.

Go ahead. Read it.

Te amo bonita muchacha.

Yeah, because we had that Spanish class together, remember?

What do you think? It's one of a kind. The jeweler promised me that he'd never

make another one like it.

I'm going to go. get the camera. We'll take a picture and you can send it to

your mother.

Well, at least it doesn't have any of those big, ugly, black... Shut up!

And the next item up for sale on the National Shopping Network.

Wow, this is unbelievable.

We have one of the rarest of all jewels, the South African... leopard diamond.

One of the world's most precious stones.

They are in short supply all over the world making them extremely sought

We have only 30 left at this one time only price of $89.