Original subtitles

I'm gonna go say hi to Dominic.

I would join you were there not chips in my line of sight.

Whoa, what are you doing?

I'm eating a chip.

Oh, what do you got there? None of your business, and don't touch this, okay?

It's not for you.

What, like I was supposed to know?

Have we ever put out hors d 'oeuvres for you?

No.

To be honest, I thought it was a lovely gesture.

Wow, what's the occasion?

Oh, we have in company.

Oh, well, maybe we should go change. Yeah, what time should we be back here?

don't know, about 10, 15 minutes after they leave -ish.

I'll let them stay, Greg.

Who's coming?

Tell him, Greg.

Tell him who's coming.

My old girlfriend, Daisy McKenzie.

The first love of his life.

Don't exaggerate. Oh, come on. You dated her all through high school.

I read that big book of poems you wrote her.

I would really like to see that book.

Just an old high school crush.

Oh, come on. John, admit it. You loved her.

You loved her.

Fine, fine. I loved her. Didn't you love your first boyfriend?

Yeah, I did.

You don't see him calling me out of the blue and stopping by.

It's weird.

Well, she and her husband are just out here on vacation.

Oh, whatever. It's weird.

The way you're running around here, cleaning up the house, so worried about

she's going to think of you.

I'm not worried what she's going to think about me.

I mean, I'm doing great. Anyone can see that.

Maybe you could just tell her how much money you make and she'll come running

back to you.

Yeah, that's who I'm going to leave you for. A woman my own age who I've already

slept with.

This is going to be so good.

You've got to let us stay.

Hi!

Stacy, come on in, come on in. Oh my God, Greg Horner, look at you. Here I

This is my husband, Bobby.

Bobby, this is him, my first boyfriend.

How you doing? I'm good.

Good.

Read your poems.

Really? Yes. Great.

This is my wife, Stacy.

Kim. I meant to say Kim.

I was looking at Stacy, and I just said Stacy instead of... Kim. Hi. Nice to

meet you.

Forget Barnum and Bailey. This is going to be the greatest show on earth.

So how was your flight?

It went good.

Hey, I have a question.

Why'd you guys break up?

Well, you know, it was after high school and college starts. People grow apart.

It doesn't have to be an exact reason. I met Bobby.

What's that?

I told you when we broke up. No, you didn't. You didn't tell me that. I mean,

not that I remember it all that well, but we were standing outside the

and you had on that pink fluffy sweater I liked so much. Ah, yeah.

The sweater that was immortalized in the poem Cotton Candy Hugs. Yeah, that's

the one.

Anyway, I thought you broke up because you wanted to expose yourself to

different things.

Yeah. Bobby.

Oh, man, you totally would have fit in with the guys I used to hang out with in

high school, man. We used to do the craziest stuff. See this guy right here?

got that when I fell through a plate glass window.

You see that one? I was surfing on the hood of a moving car. My idiot friend

the brakes.

Fish hook.

My friends and I, we never slowed down enough to do any fishing.

Oh, we weren't fishing.

What were you doing?

Drawing fish hooks.

Sam is so beautiful.

And Logan and Dominic are, too.

You guys are so lucky to have such wonderful kids. Thanks.

Bobby and I have been working on starting a family.

Oh, my God.

You are going to love it.

Our lives changed so much when we had Sam.

It's the greatest, most amazing, life -changing thing that will ever happen to

you. Yeah.

Unfortunately, it's not going very well.

Oh.

Not all it's cracked up to be.

We haven't given up hope.

Good. I think the most important thing is to keep a positive attitude.

Yes, that helps.

It wouldn't kill us if I had some sperm.

Got slow swimmers.

I was a slow swimmer.

I'm just saying, I myself, I...

Wouldn't have made a very good sperm.

That's one of the reasons we came to Los Angeles.

Some of the best infertility specialists in the world are here, so we scheduled

a few appointments.

I'm sure it'll work out for you guys.

Oh, thanks.

Yeah, and if there's anything at all that we can do for you while you're

don't hesitate to ask.

Well, actually, there is one thing you could do for us. Anything? What is it?

We're kind of hoping you'd give us some of your sperm.

How glad are you they let us stay?

Greg, they asked for your sperm.

Yeah, I heard her.

I know it's a little out of the ordinary. Just a bit.

I know, I know. And to be honest, Bobby wasn't crazy about the idea at first.

No, I hated the idea.

I mean, your wife wanting to have her old boyfriend's baby.

It's emasculating.

What does that say about me as a man?

Then I read some of Greg's old poems and realized I had nothing to worry about.

Plus, I asked him, do you want to pick some complete stranger out of a catalog

we don't know anything about?

Or we could ask Greg, who we know is smart and kind and attractive.

Bobby, honey, don't you think he's attractive?

He is attractive.

Oh.

Thank you, Bobby.

Besides, Bobby, Greg is the most wonderful man I've ever known.

I mean, does it make sense that I would want him to be my baby's biological

father? Yes, of course. Of course it makes sense. I'm the obvious choice,

I mean... Are you sure this is what you really want?

Well, what I really want is for my testicles to work correctly.

But since that isn't going to happen anytime soon, this seemed like the best

solution.

I don't know what to say.

Look, I know it's a long shot, but please just say you'll think about it.

I mean, think about how much Sammy means to you and how much our baby would mean

to us.

I will. I will think about it.

Great.

Well, I guess we should get going.

Thanks for having us over.

It's really nice to meet you, Kim. And I'm so sorry for just springing this all

on you. Oh, please.

If I had a nickel for every couple who asked for Greg's sperm.

Well, I'd have a nickel.

Hey, listen, man.

Good to meet you.

Okay? And listen, look on the bright side. You know, if you get kicked in the

cherries, it doesn't really matter.

Thanks. Yeah.

Well, good night.

Good night. Bye now. Bye.

Wow.

Wow.

I don't know what to say. I do. Again, thank you so much for letting us stay.

Well, I guess I have a lot of thinking to do.

About what?

Well, this is a huge decision they've asked me to make.

I mean, the idea of Going down to some clinic and donating my sperm? I don't

know if I can do that. It's just like giving blood, except I don't think that

you get juice and cookies.

But if you do, wash your hands first.

Yeah.

Oh, what to do? What to do? What to do?

Wait a second. You're actually thinking about this?

Well, Kim, I don't know what to think yet. This is flattering. I have an

important decision to make.

You have to make? How about we have to make?

I'm your wife. I should have an equal say in this. Well, you should have some

say, yeah, but I don't know about equal say. This is my swim team we're talking

about.

I'm the coach. You're the assistant coach.

I mean, I value your opinion, but at the end of the day, it's me blowing the

whistle.

Really, because I'm thinking I'm more like the person who owns the pool that

like to swim in.

And that pool can get very cold.

I'm just saying, it's my body we're talking about. A man has a right to

Yeah, you know, I gotta agree with Greg. If somebody asked me to make a

donation, it would totally be my decision.

Oh, I doubt that.

Uh, Christine, you'd have a problem with this?

I never said I had a problem with it. Whatever you wanted to do, I'd support

Thank you, honey. You see, Kim, Christine would let Jimmy do it. Yeah,

let him get her pregnant twice when his sole means of income was raking leaves.

Tim, what were you doing out there?

What was I doing? What are you doing?

You let Timmy do this?

No, of course not.

But you just said... What he wanted to hear.

I can have an argument for no reason.

What are you talking about?

Come here.

Look at my husband.

Hola, señoritas.

Me llamo señor...

Who is going to ask for his sperm?

Good point.

But somebody did ask Greg for his.

Kim, relax.

Look, you know Greg.

There's no way that he could stand having a child out there that he

a father to.

I mean, there's no way he's going to do this in a million years.

He's just enjoying being asked.

Yeah, I guess you're right.

Oh, so? Why fight about it?

I mean, as long as they're going to do what we want them to, might as well let

them come up with it themselves.

Besides, we can't always tell them what to do. They're grown men. We're not

their mothers.

Christine, I got guacamole in my eye.

Oh, fuck him.

Maybe let me see. Right in there.

Hi.

Hello.

I just came up here to tell you that I'm sorry.

Your decision and whatever you decide to do, I'll stand behind you.

I didn't choose this, you know. It chose me.

Yeah, I know.

And it's not a decision that can be made lightly.

My heart is heavy.

But I've made up my mind.

And?

Well, you know, there was a lot of things to consider.

You know, I possess the gift of life.

Do I selfishly hoard it or do I let my fountain flow freely?

But with freedom comes responsibility.

Okay, Greg, I've got a sink full of dishes. Are you going to do it or not?

No, I'm not going to do it.

Thank you.

I think you made the right decision.

Yeah, I think so, too.

I couldn't bear to think that there was a child of mine out there somewhere that

I would want to read to or go to the park with, and knowing that I couldn't

those things, I mean, that I couldn't really be a father, that would, well,

would break my heart.

Can you tell them I'm asleep? I have to figure out what I'm going to say to

these people.

Hey, good morning, Bobby and Stacey coming. Any minute now.

Yeah? You and Christine aren't back with the food yet? No, but I'm not so sure

Bobby and Stacey are going to stick around to eat.

Tell them no, huh?

Yep. That's too bad, man. I was really thinking if you said yes, I might see

more of Bobby. He's a really cool guy.

Yep.

Poor infertile bastard.

I hope they don't take it too hard, man. They really seem to have their heart

set on you. Yeah, I know. It's like they had their heart set on drinking Coca

-Cola, and now they're going to have to settle for Fresca.

I like Fresca.

Yeah, but it's not Coca -Cola, is it?

Hello? Hi, back here.

Hi. Hi.

Hey, buddy.

Hey. What's up, man?

Catch that hockey game last night? Are you kidding me? I couldn't believe the

Cavs won in overtime, man. I'll tell you, hey, you know, next time I'm back

east, we should really see if we can catch a game.

Yeah. Maybe next year we can take a kid.

Yeah. Maybe.

Can't look at him.

So how you guys doing?

I don't know.

Kind of nervous. Yeah, me too.

Yeah, is that good nervous or bad nervous?

This is bad nervous.

I'm sorry, I can't do this.

I understand.

And I know how heartbroken you must be.

Okay.

But I think if you put the time in and go about this carefully, I mean,

somewhere out there you're going to find somebody that's going to fulfill all

your hopes.

Greg, really, it's okay.

Jimmy, how about you?

I'm sorry, did you just ask for my sperm?

Yeah. What do you say? Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Excuse me.

Stacy and I talked about it last night.

We could go with Jimmy. Oh, go with Jimmy.

Go with Jimmy.

I mean, you're not just ordering dinner here. Oh, you're all out of filet

mignon? Oh, it's okay. I'll just go with the bologna sandwich.

How come you're coke and filet mignon? I'm fresca and a bologna sandwich.

Hey, Greg was my first choice, but...

Bobby would actually prefer Jimmy. I mean, he thought you two really hit it

You want Jimmy. You actually want Jimmy.

What's wrong with Jimmy?

Well, he's not me. I mean, if you wanted me, you can't want him.

He's the complete opposite of me. But you said no.

Besides, Bobby likes Jimmy.

Okay, we flew out of the way to Los Angeles. I'm not leaving with an empty

uterus. Okay.

Hold on a second.

Jimmy, these people are crazy. They want a baby so bad that they're willing to

go from their dream choice to just settling for anyone in two seconds.

We've got to explain to them why we can't let them make the biggest mistakes

their lives.

I'll do it.

What?

Some people like bologna and fresca.

Oh, man.

Jimmy, you can't just say you're going to do this. What about Christine?

Hey, you heard her, Greg. She'd support me no matter what I chose to do, unlike

your wife. Well, Kim said she would support me.

I'll do it. What?

I'll do it. I'll father your child. You wanted me and you deserve me. You can't

do it. I'm doing it. They chose me first. You said no. Well, I've changed

mind. Stacy, do you want my sperm or not? Bobby, I'm here for you, man.

Okay, maybe we should talk about this.

Hi.

Hello.

Did he tell you yet?

Yes. We're trying to make our decision.

Your decision?

They both volunteered.

What?

Maybe we should leave Bobby and Stacy alone for a while so they can discuss

this.

Well?

We'll be waiting in the house while you decide.

The big house, which I own, not the small house where Jimmy lives.

Greg!

I own the small house, too.

What the hell is going on? Greg said no, so they asked me, and I said yes. But

Stacy said you both volunteered.

Well, once Jimmy said yes, I couldn't let that happen.

I mean, those poor people were obviously grasping at straws.

Well, you're not doing it. Ah, see, you can't do it anyway.

Put your one -shooter back in its holster, senor guacamole. You're not

either.

You said you would support whatever my decision was. Yeah, if you made the

one.

That's not fair.

And you told me that I could do whatever I want. And now I've promised these

poor people that I was going to give them a baby, and I'm doing it. It

matter, man. They're not going to pick Greg anyways. Why would they pick Greg

when they can pick me?

Why would they pick me?

Why would they pick me? I'll tell you why they would pick me, because I'm

smarter than you. Yeah? Well, maybe they'll pick me because I'm stronger

you. Jimmy, you got a 380 on your SAT. You're supposed to get 400 just for

writing your name.

Well, maybe they don't want to have a kid who's allergic to everything under

sun, including the sun. I am not allergic to the sun. It just makes me

Oh, yeah? How about strawberry?

How about peanut?

How about mold?

Cats? Pears?

Pollen? You're bald.

Oh, okay. Gloves are off. We're playing dirty, huh? Well, I'll tell you what.

Why don't we all go take a peek in your medicine cabinet and say hello to your

pal, Mr.

Rogaine.

Yeah, that's right.

Yeah, you're just one prescription away from looking just like me, buddy.

You, my friend, are a snoop. Yeah, you throw like a girl. You can't read

moving your lips. You're scared of spiders. You have no money. You have no

Because I worked mine off while you had planted yours on the couch and let it

grow for the last three decades.

Excuse me.

I'm sorry to interrupt, but is it true that you're really allergic to all those

things? Well, some are full -blown allergies, but the others are just

sensitivities.

So how bald are you?

I'm not, uh... I'm not bald. It's just... It's receding.

Yeah, down to the middle of his back where it sprouts into an afro.

That is not true.

Could you take off your cap? He throws like a girl.

Maybe we didn't know as much about you guys as we thought.

I mean, we didn't know about your lack of hair and education.

And you, well, you're just a mess.

Yeah, I think we'll take our chances with the catalog.

Yeah, but nice to see you again, Greg. And it was nice to meet you, Jimmy.

Good luck, girls.

Well, that was rude.

Sure was.

Hey, I'm sorry I said all those mean things to you.

Yeah, me too. They weren't true.

Well, they were, but I shouldn't have said them.

Any woman would be lucky to have your baby.

Maybe you should write him a poem, Romeo.

Keep it up, honey. I'll stop taking that Rogaine. You can sleep with a man with

no hair and no ass.

You know, those people would be lucky to have kids like ours.

Of course they would.

I tell you, all this talk about making babies kind of put me in the mood.

What do you say?

Knock yourself out.

You know, now that Jimmy fell the rogaine, I'll never hear the end of it.

know. I mean, he's going to tell everybody, our friends, the neighbors,

at work.

I know.

I'm just saying, I hope you appreciate it. I took a bullet for you so no one

knows your dirty little secret.

Thank you. What else do you want?

I want to sleep with a blonde tonight.

Oh, hello.

Nothing. Go back to sleep.