Original subtitles

Oh, look, isn't that sweet?

He fed himself to sleep last night.

Good morning. I think it's good now. You should have seen it at 2 a .m., 3 a

.m., and 5 a .m.

Jimmy, get up.

What?

Dominic's still keeping you guys up at night, huh?

No, it's not Dominic's fault. You know, now that Logan's out of his crib, he

keeps kicking Dominic in their bed all night.

Then Dominic gets into our bed and starts kicking us. Yeah, then Christine

up and starts kicking me.

I swear to God, it's like sleeping in the Matrix.

Well, I'll make you guys some coffee. Can I have some coffee so I don't fall

asleep in school again?

No, you can't have some.

You're six years old. What are you thinking?

You're not allowed to drink coffee. Here, have a cup of Mountain Dews.

Mountain Dew, Trailer Park of Chino.

You know, guys, Dominic would probably get more sleep if he had his own room.

Yeah, and he'd probably drink more milk if he had his own cow.

What's your point?

Well, sounds like she wants you to move out. I know she said you could stay as

long as you want, but everybody has their breaking point.

It's okay, honey. You're still a good person.

Actually, I was going to suggest that Dominic move into our downstairs

Oh.

Look, we hardly ever use that room for anything. We never have any guests.

Oh, Kim, that's not true. That's my workout room.

My machine with the handles and the thing that takes my pulses.

Don't worry, Mr. Universe. We'll find somewhere else to hang your dry

I was just about to start using that thing. I mean, I need a little cardio.

How about this? At night, when you take off your socks, why don't you jog on

over to the hamper and drop them in?

Who knows? Maybe after a week or two, you could work your way up to underwear.

I don't know, Kim.

I mean, come on. You guys have done enough for us already. I don't want to

Greg out.

Greg, Dominic's up all night. He's falling asleep in school.

No, I'm fine with it. If he needs the room, he needs the room. I just think we

should ask him first.

Dominic, do you want to move into your own room where you'll be far, far, far

away from your mommy and daddy?

Be all by yourself, alone on the first floor, and sometimes John Kim forgets to

lock the front door.

Craig. Kim, it's the truth.

What do you think, Dominic?

I think I'll check the lock and pick the room.

Just getting in one last workout.

First, last, who's counting?

Very funny, Kim. I'm going to miss this thing.

Wow, that really works the abs.

I mean, when I'm trying not to laugh.

She's fighting.

Stop.

You know, Top, you're going to hurt something.

Like the chance of me ever having sex with you again.

Oh, hey.

Pretty cool, huh, Dominic?

Yeah, this is way better than your room now.

It's way better than your room.

Come on, guys, don't think of them as his room or your room. Think of all of

them as my rooms.

Even though I live in fewer of them than you do now.

Hey, maybe we should get some smaller furniture for him. You know, a little

some cool posters.

It shouldn't look so much like a guest room.

Phew, for a minute there, I was scared all of this was going to happen. I

wouldn't get a chance to spend some money.

No, no, no, no, no.

No, you guys are not spending any money, okay? Really, you guys have done

enough. Yeah, besides, Dominic loves it.

Look, he's already getting more exercise in this room than Greg ever did.

Yeah, look, a dime just fell out of his pocket. Now he's paid more rent than you

ever did.

Oh, Dominic, you scared me.

A little late for you to be up, isn't it?

Is everything okay?

Look, I don't know what goes on in the back. but here in the big house, we keep

up with the pleasantries.

Simple hello is all I'm asking.

Are you sure there was money in your wallet?

Yes, Kim, I'm sure. That's my spending money for the week. I always take $80

at the ATM.

No, wait. This week I took out 60.

There was a spider on the 8 button.

I hope that Jimmy and Christine aren't too hard on him. Hard on him? They're

probably getting a cut.

Do you think I should cancel my credit cards?

He took your credit card? No, they were still in the wallet, but sometimes

that's what they do. They leave them in so you don't cancel them.

Meanwhile, they've written down your numbers and they're out buying TVs and

airplane tickets.

He's a six -year -old boy, not the Russian mafia.

Good morning, Dominic. Can I have an apple? Of course you can, sweetie.

Thank you for asking. It's always good to ask before we take things.

And I'm not just talking about apples, but I think you know that.

Can you tell me some other things that you should ask for before taking?

Uh, cookies?

Yes, but what else? And think hard, okay? Something green that your daddy

keep in his pocket.

Gummy worms?

with writing.

M &Ms?

Come on, Dominic. I think you know what I'm talking about.

Oh, he's good.

Kid didn't even bat an eye. Oh, you're good.

Greg, stop. Let Christine and Jimmy handle this. Kim, if Jimmy and Christine

were handling their son, I would still have my $60.

No, wait, $57, I run the Shakespeare in Love. No, wait, $47, I had to pay

Jimmy's late fee on Porky's.

Morning. Hey, how was your first night without Dominic in your bed?

Well, we had a big decision to make. Should we catch up on sleep or should we

catch up on sex?

I got up on sleep.

I got up on sex.

Hey, as long as he doesn't wake me.

Did you tell him?

Tell him what?

Dominic stole money from Greg.

You're kidding.

I came downstairs around midnight, and he was walking out of the kitchen. Then

found my wallet on the kitchen floor, and all the money was gone.

I don't know what to say.

Well, we're just worried about Dominic. Yeah, yeah.

You don't think he'd have copied down my credit card number for you?

Greg, are you guys sure about this?

Man, it's like when your kid does something like this, it makes you feel

you're a failure as a parent.

So, what are you gonna say to him?

What? It's not my job.

You're right, you're right. It's not your job.

What are you gonna say to him?

Dominic, get your little butt in here!

You want me to start, or do you want... Just stand behind me and nod.

Hi, um... I want you to look at me, and I want you to tell me the truth, okay?

Now, there was some money missing from Uncle Greg's wallet last night.

Did you take it? No.

Yeah, the kid's good.

It's okay, sweetie. We're not angry, but, you know, this is really serious.

you took it, you need to tell us.

I didn't take it.

The kid's got ice in his veins.

Well, all right, then. Go watch your videos.

Well, that's settled.

Settled? What's settled? Is that how you handle security at work?

Car drives past you with the trunk open?

Like, oh, is that the missing copier from Bunkle 07?

What? No?

Okay, have a good day.

He said he didn't do it, Greg.

Well, he's lying.

Hey, no one calls my kid a liar.

Well, they need to start because he's lying as asshole.

To be fair, you didn't actually see him take the money. Okay, Kim, let's see.

There was $44 in the wallet.

Dominic walks in, Dominic walks out.

The $44 is gone. My case had so many baffling twists and turns.

I thought you said it was $47.

Well, I forgot. I had a cranberry scone and some chai tea. Am I the one on trial

here?

Look, Greg, I really don't know what to do, all right? I mean, Dominic never

lied. Remember when he broke the lamp in the living room? He came right over and

he told me.

Wait a minute. You told me that lamp got broken when you were trying to chase a

squirrel out of the house.

Yeah, I said he didn't lie.

Oh, hey, Dominic.

Good for you, buddy.

You did the right thing by returning this, friends.

Ow! Ow!

Son of a... What are you doing?

Are you sleepwalking?

You are sleepwalking. Hey, Dominic, wake up. It's me, Uncle Greg. It's me. Oh!

Ow! Ow!

Take that, shrimp.

Sleepwalking, huh?

Well, not just sleepwalking. Sleep hitting, sleep poking, sleep stealing.

I swear the kid works harder at night than you do all day.

I can't believe he beats you up in his sleep.

I mean...

If he were awake, yeah.

You think this is funny?

The kid is beating me up. He's stealing my money. He's calling me shrimp.

If you had your oboe and your band uniform, it'd be just like junior high

over again.

I don't think you want to take a trip back to junior high, Flatsy Patsy.

We promised we'd never tell our junior high nicknames.

Not too choosy, Susie.

I was a sleepwalker when I was little. There's really nothing you can do about

it. You know, you just got to make sure he's safe. You guys think he's safe

walking around here at night, don't you?

Please. This house is completely childproof.

It's got more padding than my bra when I was flatsy -patsy.

See, I can poke fun at myself.

Well, I'm glad everyone is so worried about Dominic's safety. Meanwhile, I'll

upstairs gluing a protective cuff into my pajamas.

You know, I've heard that sleepwalking can be caused by stress. I hope

bothering him.

Well, he is sleeping in a new room.

Yeah.

Where is he? I think he's watching those videos I got.

Dominic!

I mean, he doesn't seem bothered by sleeping in a new room, but I guess you

never know, right?

Yeah. Um, Dominic, honey, are you feeling bad about anything?

Well, I picked my nose and rubbed it on the couch.

Kid doesn't lie.

How about your new room? Do you like it? You don't feel too far away from Mommy

and Daddy, do you?

No, I love my new room.

Well, um, Tony, we're just a little worried about how you're feeling.

You see, while you were sleeping, you took some money, and you kicked someone,

and you even poked him.

In the eye.

I did all those things when I was sleeping?

Yeah.

Cool.

Hey, Dominic, buddy, are you sure there's nothing bothering you? Nothing

My finger hurts a little. I think I jammed it.

In an eye.

What are you reading?

I'm reading one of your child development books. It's got something in

about sleepwalking.

And if I'm going to feel safe in my own house, I can't be like Christine and

Jimmy and just wait for him to grow out of it.

Well, what's it say? It says to just wait for him to grow out of it.

Stupid Harvard doctor.

Uh -oh, Kim.

Dominic?

Oh, this is creepy.

Oh, no.

The child of the corn is out for his midnight stroll.

Dominic, honey?

Hello?

You're way behind on your rent, and if you don't pay me, out you go.

Okay, let's get you to bed.

Kim, Kim! Oh, Kim!

Did you see that? He went right around you to get to me.

It's so weird.

He didn't even sound like himself.

It reminded me of that kid in The Shining.

Why is he just going for me? Why didn't he try to hit you? I don't know.

And why is he talking about the rent and getting thrown out?

Maybe he's worried about getting thrown out. That's ridiculous. Why would he

worry about that?

Well, you're always making jokes about how Jimmy's a mooch and when are they

going to get their own place.

And just a few days ago, you made that joke about how Jimmy doesn't pay rent.

So this is my fault. I'm the cause of all of this.

Well, you were joking about rent.

Dominic's talking about rent in his sleep.

Now, you see... He hears the stuff. He probably doesn't know you're kidding.

I'm not kidding. I mean, finally someone gets it. I wish the rest of his family

was as sharp as Dominic.

Maybe they'd get up in the middle of the night and sleepwalk the hell right out

of here.

I think you need to do something to make Dominic feel more welcome.

Well, fine. I'll stop making jokes. But it's not going to be easy. They just

come to me.

Like in -laws without money.

See what I mean? I can't turn it off.

Well, try.

I still think that we should fix up that room a little bit. Well, why not? I'll

go out and buy him a bunch of stuff to keep him from attacking me.

Can't believe I'm paying a six -year -old protection money.

Well, it's either that or... Red rum, red rum! Stop it! Stop it!

Are you done yet?

Yeah, yeah. I'll finish later. Just get the little psycho in here so he can feel

welcome.

Okay, guys, you can come in now.

Wow.

Cool. Bunk beds.

Yeah, well, I figure sooner or later, Logan will start smacking me around and

end up in here, too.

Hey, Cal Ripken, my favorite.

Cal, why'd you do all this? I told you not to go to any trouble.

I didn't. Greg did.

We thought that he might be sending out some signals that were making Dominic

feel unwelcome, and that might be contributing to his sleepwalking. So

you think, Dominic? This is all for you, and it was bought by your Uncle Greg.

Now, if there's anything you don't like, the receipts are in your top drawer.

Oh, man, I probably should have blacked out all the credit card numbers.

Greg, this is so nice of you, but, you know, I feel a little funny about you

buying Dominic all this stuff.

Yeah, you know, let me give you some money. I think I get some cash in my

pocket. Absolutely not. This is my gift. I don't want your money.

Not good, because it's just a gummy worm in an M &M.

Did you see the look in Dominic's eyes when he saw all that great stuff you got

him? No, I didn't.

But I'm not seeing as well since he detached my retina.

Come on, you've got to feel good about what you did. Well, I do feel good about

what I did, because I did something.

If it was up to Jimmy and Christine, Dom would be walking around at night here

for God knows how long.

But that's not the kind of person I am. If I see a problem, I take the time to

find a solution and I get the job done.

Take that, shrimp.

Kim?

Craig,

I'm really sorry about this. If you want, we can move him back in with us.

Yeah, right. I'm going to kick him out of his new room so he can resent me even

more. He's only going to get bigger and meaner.

What are

you watching?

The Three Stooges. I got these tapes for Dominic last week.

Why do they call that guy shrimp?

No, it's not shrimp. It's shimp. He keeps calling it shrimp.

But wait a second. Is there one where someone steals some money?

Uh, yeah, that's Cash and Carrie. That's a classic.

All right, buddy, I think you gotta go get ready for school, okay?

Hey, this next part is funny. Watch this.

I don't have to watch this, Jimmy. I'm living it.

What? You show this stuff to Dominic every day?

The kicking, the eye poking.

Look, right there, they just slammed a picture over a guy's head.

Hey.

Hey.

I guess you're right, man. It's funny how his little mind works. Yeah, it's

funny how your little mind doesn't.

Just stop showing him the tapes, okay?

I can't believe I had to fix up this stupid room for nothing.

What are you doing?

I'm taking pictures of my room to show my friends at school how cool it is.

Really?

Yeah, thanks, Uncle Greg.

You're welcome.

Will you get into the picture so I can show them who gave it to me?

Yes, of course. I'd love to. You know what? Why don't I set the timer so we

can be in the picture?

Hey, you know what? Why don't you get up there on the top bunk and lay down, and

I'll lay down on the bottom bunk.

Cool. I haven't even been up there yet. Yeah, well, get up there.

Uncle Greg, what are all these bolts and screws doing up here?

Oh, you know what? I think I forgot to...

Should I get the big one?

Yeah, give me the big one.

I'll be paying with a credit card.

Greg Warner.