Original subtitles

And it's really coming down out there.

Guess I won't be mowing the lawn today.

Yeah.

Guess I won't be cleaning out the gutters either.

Man, you can't do anything on a day like this.

That makes you want to move to Seattle.

We could put those new handles on the kitchen cabinets like the women asked us

to. Yeah, but, you know, with all the moisture in the air, the wood gets kind

soft, and it's really difficult to get a screw to hold.

How'd that sound?

I think they'll buy it.

Oh, it's okay, Sam.

Hey.

Don't be scared, okay?

That's what happens when the angels are bowling and one of them gets a strike.

Okay? Hey, but the good news is, when that happens, every little boy gets a

cookie. All right?

So go tell Dominic to get you one. And get one for your Uncle Jimmy, too, okay?

I can't believe that. Well, that's not really true about the angels, Greg.

I mean, I could tell him what really makes thunder, but I'd have to look it

I'm not talking about that. I'm talking about the way Sammy just ran past me to

you. He was scared.

Exactly. I'm his father. Why'd he run into you?

I don't know. He was running pretty fast. Maybe he was just looking for a

spot to land.

Come on, if he runs into you, he could chip a tooth on one of your hip bones.

Tim, you won't believe what Sam just did.

I'm hoping he changed the cabinet handles and someone has clearly stapled

ass to the couch.

Sammy came running in here, afraid from the thunder, and he runs right to Jimmy.

Oh, no. Where is he? Is he still upset?

No, he's not upset.

He's fine. I'm the one that's upset.

Oh, that's right. I forgot you were afraid of thunder.

I'm not afraid of thunder.

During the day.

It's sad because Sam goes to Jimmy for comfort instead of me. Oh, come on. It's

not that big of a deal. Maybe Jimmy was just closer.

Jimmy was over there. I'm standing right here, Kim.

You ought to see, Sam ran in and dodged me like I was a piece of broccoli and

Jimmy was made of chocolate.

Look, Greg, I mean, to be fair, I mean, my body is probably five to ten percent

chocolate.

I mean, the rest is pretty much...

Water.

Nougat.

Maybe he just didn't see you. Your shirt kind of blends in with the couch.

Oh, please.

The kid can spot a Cheerio under the fridge 20 feet away. I think he can

definitely see his dad on the couch.

Greg, I think you're overreacting. He's a little kid. He doesn't know what

he's...

Don't even.

Man, there are some really good movies out.

Hey, do you think the kids are old enough to go to the movies?

I don't know. I guess they could probably sit through it, but how would

there? Like a bus or something?

I'm serious.

We should take them. Sammy's never been.

What do you think, Greg? Is Sammy ready for his first movie? I guess. Just make

sure Jimmy goes with him in case he gets scared.

Well, you know, make sure that Greg comes along, too, so he can, I don't

pay.

You just love this, don't you, being the big protector of the house. Hey, well,

look at it this way, okay? If anything happens to me, you'll be the big

protector of the house.

Of course, you'll probably have to wrestle Christine for it.

And you don't want none of this.

I just can't believe he ran to you instead of me. I'm his father. I mean,

should feel safe around me.

Kim, when you were growing up, you felt safe around your father, didn't you?

Well, yeah, but that's because I was so scared of him, I figured everything else

was, too.

He's always stomping around the house, grunting and yelling.

And when you're a little kid, you're not afraid of monsters in your closet when

you got one chasing you down the hallway, screaming at you for changing

thermostat.

I'm not going to start yelling at my son just to make him feel safe around me.

I'm proud of the fact that I don't do stuff like that.

I'm a reasonable, sensitive father.

And that's great, okay, but sometimes you've got to be an authority figure

okay? You need to do things to show Sammy that you're the man of the house.

Oh, oh, honey, you spilled on yourself. Let me get that out before it stains.

Oh, thanks.

Oh, honey, take it easy. I don't want to trade a stain for a bruise.

If you could just eat without spilling everything all over. Okay, all right,

Pete, this is what I'm talking about.

All right, if I'm Sammy and I'm watching this, I don't see you as my father. I

see you as my sloppy older brother.

Sammy does not see Greg as his older brother.

I don't know, Kim. Think about it. He only knows what he sees.

Okay, Sammy.

So the baby cub went walking through the forest looking for Father Bear.

See?

There are my two favorite boys.

You know what time it is, don't you?

It's time for the devil monster.

Gotcha. Oh, gotcha. I know. Mommy's gotcha.

I wonder who's next.

I don't know.

I know.

think this is gonna come out stop it stop cleaning me i'm not your baby cub

the father bear sam did you hear that i'm the father bear jimmy's right

i need to start showing sammy that i'm the man of the house that means that i

can't have you treating me like a little kid kim fine am i allowed to bring you

your fruit salad or would you rather go out and kill it yourself i am the man of

the house you may bring me my fruit salad

No, no, no, that's Sammy. I took the strawberries out of yours.

Daddy's allergic to strawberries just like you're allergic to peanuts.

Would you stop comparing me to Sam? We're different. We're completely

He's a little boy. I'm a full -grown man.

Greg, Kim can stop treating you like a kid, but it's up to you to make him see

you as a man.

You're right.

You're right.

What should I do?

What would Fred McMurray do?

If I could smoke a pipe.

Please, you need your inhaler. It's a barbecue chicken.

You just need to let him see you doing manly things. Like what?

Oh, no.

Why don't you... Hey, why don't you come play touch football with me and the

guys tomorrow, okay? That way he'll see you, you know, throw a few blocks, catch

a few passes, problem solved.

Yeah, that might be a good idea. You know, back in the day, I was the man on

field hockey team.

Isn't field hockey a woman's sport?

Yeah, that's what I meant. I was the man on the team.

Boys, what's up? Hey, Jimmy. Hey, Bill. Hey, Greg, what are you doing here? Did

you come to be a cheerleader?

No, I didn't come to be a cheerleader. I came to play football. Just because I'm

a small guy doesn't mean I don't like sports.

Hey, relax.

I didn't know you were so touchy about it. I mean, Jimmy told us you went to

college on a cheerleading scholarship.

What? Sorry, it's just sometimes when we're drinking, everybody has funny

stories to tell, so I make stuff up.

Hey, Dot, what's up, man? This is my brother -in -law, Greg. Hey, nice to

you.

Billy, toss me the ball.

Hey, you didn't tell me we were playing with girls. How am I supposed to look

like a man when I'm playing against a girl?

We have to invite her.

Oscar's in love with her, and that's the only way he gets to touch her.

Cut it out.

We're not even playing yet.

Let's play! Hold on, I just need a second.

All right, Sammy, Daddy's going to play football now because Daddy's a man, just

like all those other men out there.

Yeah, except for that tiny woman who's probably going to be covering you.

She's not going to be covering me. They're probably going to get a big guy

cover me.

And for some crazy reason, she is covering me. She's not a regular woman.

She's a tough woman.

Hey, guys, look, this is Greg's first time here, so just go easy on him, all

right? All right, guys. All right, look, do this for me, and I will buy beers

after the game, okay? Wait a second.

Beers for us or beers for you?

Fine. Beers for you. All right.

Okay, guys, I'm ready. Okay, you guys get the football first.

Hey, make sure Sammy's watching, Kim.

52! 43!

Get your hands out of there. I'm not even the center.

Oops. Sorry.

52!

43!

99! 73!

Sammy, did you see Daddy?

Kim, did Sammy see me? I just scored a touchdown.

Oh, no, he just did the cutest little dance.

Well, did you at least get it on tape?

Yeah, yeah, you can watch it later at home. He was so cute. No, Kim, my

touchdown.

Oh, no, I didn't get that.

Here, here, go do it again. Do it again.

Take it easy on him. What, are you kidding me?

Fine.

Let's play some football.

Good hustle.

I know what you're doing.

Make sure Sammy's watching.

Okay, I won't let him look away.

Okay, Sammy, what Daddy's going to do right now is call rushing the

What I'm going to do is... I'm okay.

It's okay.

Keep watching, Sammy.

Daddy's about to bring the pain.

Hi, Sammy.

How you doing, buddy?

Daddy's just resting.

Oh!

Hey, you all right?

Yeah, yeah, I'm fine, I'm fine.

I'm getting up, I'm getting up. Ah, no hurry. Billy kicked a ball up into a

and it got stuck. No one wants to climb up there and get it.

I'll get it. What?

I'll climb up to the tree and get it. Do you hear that, Sammy? You hear that,

Sammy? Your daddy's going to climb the tree everyone else is too scared to. No

one said we're scared to. We just don't think it's worth climbing all the way to

the top of a tree for a $10 football.

Okay. You hear that, Sam?

They're rationalizing. They're all scared. Your daddy's the only one brave

enough to do it.

Sammy, you watching?

You watching?

Wow, look at him go. He's like a squirrel.

Oh, yeah.

He's a good climber.

Yeah, he probably had a lot of practice when he was climbing to the top of them

human pyramids when he was a cheerleader.

Watch your daddy, Sammy.

Yes, I got it.

Here comes your hero.

Firemen seem nice. Oh, yeah. Really nice.

Good guys.

Dominic really liked the fire truck.

Yeah. Shiny.

Sammy really enjoyed it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And the sky is blue. And how about

those Dodgers? And, oh, hey, I'm a big wuss for getting stuck in a tree.

want to chit -chat about that?

Craig, stop it. One of the firemen said it happens all the time.

Two pussycats, Kim. He said...

I never heard him say the word cats.

It's not a big deal.

I love who you are.

You're responsible, you're trustworthy, and you always put safety first.

Great, I'm a Girl Scout. Want to buy some Thin Mint?

Hey, Kim, if we're going to take all the kids to the movies, we better start

getting them ready. Plus, I've got to get snacks and fill the thermos with

orange juice.

Well, I'll just bring some juice boxes.

How the hell am I going to get vodka in a juice box?

Greg, it's not a big deal. Stop beating yourself up.

Why not? I'm so weak, it doesn't even hurt when I do it.

Look, Greg, it's not your fault that you are who you are, man. You didn't have

the benefit of being raised by a tough man.

But that wasn't my dad's fault. His father was like that, too.

I think your family has a wuss gene.

What? A wuss gene. It's been passed down from generation to generation.

Well, you're probably right.

I bet you way back when there was a Wussy Warner caveman.

All the other cavemen were dragging women back home by their hair.

I bet your mind was trying to impress one with his fossil collection.

Listen, if I were you, you know, I'd do something about it before it spreads to

Sammy. I think Sammy's a little young to start worrying about that. Oh, really?

You've already passed some of it along.

I have not.

Please, I could take out your whole family with a strawberry and a peanut.

Face it, man.

It's up to you to break the chain.

Well, I'm working against thousands of years of evolution here. I mean, how am

supposed to break that chain? I don't know. It's a wood chain. How strong can

be?

You

know,

I thought this was going to be boring, but you know what? I'm actually having a

really good time.

I mean, look at all these cute kids.

They're just all so cute.

Just be like, cute.

How much of that thermos have you had?

Oh, they wouldn't let me bring that in. I had to try to get the parking lot.

Hi, cutie.

Just sit that sweet piece of Jimmy right down here next to mamacita.

Hey.

Thermos kicking in? Yeah.

what it was like when we used to go to the movies when we were kids.

It's all coming back.

Hey, what should we do for dinner after this?

I'm thinking soup.

The place next door, they got some great soup.

You should have seen what Bob brought into the office today.

His dog.

You believe that?

What kind of a jerk?

Brings his dog into the office.

I

thought

for sure he was going to get axed.

You know, it reminds me, Bob and his wife want to get together next week.

I told him Saturday was all right. Excuse me, would you please not talk

the movie?

Sure don't.

You know, the problem with having those guys over for dinner is that Bob's wife

chews her food so loud it drives me absolutely nuts.

I'm going to say something.

No, I'll handle this.

And she bites her fork.

It's like she's sharpening her teeth or something.

Hey,

sit down, buddy. My wife can't see.

Oh, yeah, well, my kid can't hear.

I said sit down.

You shut up and maybe I'll sit down.

Way to go, buddy.

Greg, what are you doing?

Breaking the chain, Kim. Breaking the chain.

Ah, Greg, why don't you take a seat? I think you proved your point. Jimmy, it

stops here.

I'm breaking the chain.

Well, if you don't sit down, I think...

He's going to break your chain.

How about this?

How about you sit down? I'll be quiet.

We talk about this in the lobby after the movie.

Fine with me.

All right, come on. I don't see him anywhere.

Okay, Sammy.

Your daddy's not hiding.

He's just walking with the posse.

I don't see him. Maybe he chickened out.

I doubt.

Yeah, maybe.

What if he's waiting for me outside?

Okay, we'll go get the car. If he's in the parking lot, we'll pull around the

front and you can jump in. Christine.

You know, honey, I know this is going to sound a little strange with you hiding

behind me, but, um...

I'm really proud of the way you handled this.

There you are.

Frank.

Frank, you're hurting my shoulder.

Look, can we just talk about this maybe like... Can we get a manager over here?

It's okay, buddy.

It's okay.

I just didn't want you to eat that. You're allergic to peanuts, remember?

These can make you really, really sick.

Is he okay?

Yeah, I got to him before he put it in his mouth.

I can't believe you punched that guy.

Well, Kim, I had to.

Yeah, I know, but it was like you didn't even think about it. Well?

Tammy's life was in danger and you sprang into action.

You're a hero.

Yeah.

Yeah, well.

I guess I kind of am.

You want to know something? It felt good.

It felt damn good.

I don't care who you are, you know, man or peanut. You've messed with a member

of the Warner family.

You're either going to get thunder or you're going to get lightning. And

you me, you don't want to get caught up in this rain.

Greg, he's starting to get up.

Okay, run.

Come on, Timmy. Run like Daddy.

Poor dad.

He's such a wuss.

I wish there was something I could do to make him feel better.

Hey, I could pick up that peanut candy bar and act like I'm going to eat it.

Hello? Hello? I'm holding a lethal weapon here. Hello?

There you go.

There you go.

Now you can feel like a man, you big dummy.

Uh -oh.

The big guy is getting up.

Excuse me, excuse me.