Original subtitles

What are you guys doing here?

Waiting for breakfast.

Where are your parents?

They told us to come in here and wait quietly till you got up.

Can you believe this? Jimmy and Christine just send their kids in here

feed them while they sleep half the day away. Greg.

No, no, Kim. I'm sorry. This has gone too far.

Uncle Greg is just angry because he couldn't sleep in like your parents.

My parents aren't sleeping.

What are they doing?

Practicing wrestling.

Just

make them eggs

and nothing for me, thank you.

Where are they? I knew we were going to be waiting on them.

Christine said they were going to say hi to Dominic's teacher and then swing by

the face -panning booth.

Hey, honey, why don't you try to win something for Sammy?

I can't win those games, Kim. They're all rigged. Yeah, I'm sure that's what

they teach them in third grade.

How to be shifty carnies.

I'm just saying these booths weren't built to lose money.

Would you like to play, sir?

Sure, what do I have to do?

Try to throw a ping -pong ball into the fishbowl.

Great, what do I win?

A fish?

No, thanks.

Greg, come on. You could win.

It looks easy.

Kim, of course I could win, but then I would have a fish. How is that winning?

If it was a fish sandwich, I'd play.

I think it'd be great for Sammy to have a pet.

He's two, Kim. He doesn't need a pet.

Sammy, would you like to have your very own fish that you can watch swim around

in a really cool fish bowl?

See? Sammy, would you like a beer? They're yummy and delicious and fun to

Okay, I'll go get him a fish. You grab him a cold Schlitz.

Funny. Look, it's never too early for a kid to have a pet. Didn't you ever have

a goldfish? No, Kim.

Never? No, I don't get it. It's a fish. They're stupid.

They have no memory. They just swim around in circles all day like, oh, my

a castle.

Oh, look. Look, there's that castle again.

A castle!

Well, I think he'd like it. A pet teaches a child a lot of things.

They learn responsibility, nurturing, how animals live and the effect people

have on them.

In fact, I was reading this article the other day that said that by the time a

child reaches the age of four... Okay, okay, okay. I didn't know you were going

to filibuster.

We'll take a fish.

You can't just buy it. You have to win it.

Chill it with the attitude, okay?

Okay, that was close. Try again.

This is pathetic. You're just missing on purpose.

Kim, it is a lot harder than it looks. Now, be quiet. I'm down to my last ball.

Hey, guys. Hey, Jimmy. You got a little something right here.

I'm a rock star.

You guys ready to get out of here?

Well, I can't leave until I win a fish, and it's impossible.

The balls are so slippery, they're just bouncing all over the place.

Don't worry, buddy. When we get to that booth where you have to do long

division, you're definitely going to win that big stuffed dog.

Hey, do you guys ever wonder what it would be like if fish ruled the earth?

You know, you'd think they'd go to a human store and buy a big bag full of

people and then sit against stickers in this, you know, big tank of air and sit

and watch us in their water -filled houses.

Jimmy, could you please not use those kinds of words around the children?

What word? The stupid one.

Hey, it's all set up.

Does the fish have a name yet?

Well, maybe we should call him Jimmy since he's worth about a quarter and

in a house he didn't pay for.

Everyone has a good time making fun of Jimmy, but could we please not do it in

front of my kids? I want them to look at their father with some respect.

Why don't you start by washing off that stupid clown makeup?

I am a rock star!

Hey, Sammy, what do you want to name your fish?

Yeah, you're fishy. What do you want to name your fishy?

No, Sam, I know it's a fish, but what do you want to name it?

Okay, yeah, I know it's a fish, Sam. Greg, you're kidding, right?

All right, fishy it is.

He really likes it. Yeah, he sure does.

Remember how he didn't want to get it?

Yeah, this morning, yeah, I remember that.

Remember how I thought it would be a good idea?

Yeah, yeah.

He sure likes it.

And to think we all... Greg, please don't make this our whole day. Just tell

she was right.

Good morning.

Hey, hey, what are you doing?

Just getting some breakfast. What are you... Where's the fish?

Shh.

Don't talk about the F -I -S -H.

Oh, no. Is he D -E -A -D already?

Yes. What happened?

I think he drowned.

I'll take this one. But in a few years, you have to take where the babies come

from. Oh, no, no, no. I think the father should handle where the babies come

from.

If you do this, I'll take why does Joshua have two mommies. Deal.

Yeah, fishy, huh?

Fishy is gone.

But we can get a different fishy.

Daddy can go to the store and buy you a brand new fishy.

You want a new fishy?

Yeah? And some candy.

Lots of candy.

Yeah.

Hey, that's my good guy. Look how happy he is. That was easy, huh?

Well, I'm going to get some juice. I'm late for work.

You okay, buddy?

Because it's all right to be sad. It's a very sad thing that Fishy is gone.

Hey, hey, hey, hey. What are you doing?

It's all right if you want to cry, honey. Do you want to cry?

Kim, can I... want to cry. Can I talk to you?

What? What?

What are you doing?

I'm consoling our son. He doesn't need consoling.

Greg, I think we need to talk to Sam about this. This is one of the reasons

get pets for children, so they learn how to handle death.

Kim, I already talked to him. He's fine with it. Yeah, yeah, I heard you. You

did a lovely job.

I guess when one of his grandparents dies, you'll tell him that you'll go to

store, buy him a brand new grandma and a big bag of Skittles.

If grandmas cost a quarter, you bet your ass I will.

I think he needs to deal with his true emotions.

But you're not dealing with his true emotions. You're trying to make him sad.

Oh, Sammy, it's okay to cry. Why don't you just poke him in the eye?

I'm not trying to make him sad. He should be sad. I know I would be. But

a girl. Girls cry at things. Boys are different.

You cry.

I do not.

You cried at the end of that movie.

What was it called?

Rudy. Oh, yeah, but that was a really tiny little guy, and he worked so hard

make the team, and his family was so proud of him.

Whatever. Look, I'm handling this my way.

No, you're not, Kim.

I was in charge of this fishy thing, and it's done.

Okay? I'm his father, and I have some say in this. You can handle Joshua and

lesbian moms however you want to. The fishy discussion is over.

Fishy is dead, Sam.

When living things get old, they die.

And when they do, they can never, ever come back.

What are you doing? You're like a crazy,

crazy, crazy person.

Not in front of Sam. We'll talk about it tonight.

Oh, you bet we will, Kim. You bet we'll talk about it tonight, because I'm sick

and tired of not getting any respect in my own house.

Kim, I'm just saying that he's very impressionable right now, and you're

emotional, and I love that about you. But sometimes I think you could be a

little more sensitive to the way I want to do things.

Hey, when you're done with that couch, I got a futon that could use a good

talking tome.

Shut up, I'm just practicing for an argument with Kim.

Oh, the dead fish.

How do you know about that?

Well, first of all, you didn't flush well enough.

When I looked between my legs this morning, I almost fainted.

Secondly, Christine called. It seems as if Kim has been stomping around the

house this morning.

She's mad?

Kim's mad? She has no right to be mad. She's the one that completely ignored

I felt.

I don't believe this. I can't wait to get home.

Are you sure you want to argue with her about this? Of course.

Why?

Well, for one thing, there's a football game on tonight that I'm sure you'd like

to watch.

And also,

I've seen you have a lot of arguments with Kim.

Well... What?

You never win.

I've won plenty of arguments with Kim. No, you haven't. And besides, the

arguments are usually about something small, but you almost always say

stupid that gets you in more trouble. I do not.

The diaper fight?

Kim, I was at work all day. I'm tired.

Well, maybe I'm tired, too.

I took care of Sammy all day. I cleaned the house. I made dinner. And the only

reason I needed you to change Sam's diaper is because I was folding the

Yeah, but Kim, that's your job.

What did you just say?

The rice pudding fight.

Look, Greg, I'm sorry if you don't like it, but that's just the way that I'm

used to doing it.

Now, my grandmother always put raisins in her rice pudding.

Well, you don't have to do things just because your grandmother does.

I mean, what's next? You're going to get a little turkey neck and grow a

mustache?

What did you just say?

It was a fight about the car keys.

I'll just do this. You take my keys and then you don't put them back where they

belong. I don't know what's so hard about... What?

Here they are.

I must have taken them with me when Sammy and I walked to get ice cream.

You were right. I'm sorry.

Hey, I won that fight.

See, I don't like when we label things, you know? Your car, my car.

When you really think about it, we bought both of them with my money.

What did you just say?

Okay, so I'm not that good at arguing. I don't remember you winning a lot of

fights with Christine.

I never win fights with Christine. Exactly.

So why should I listen to you? Because I lose on purpose.

What?

I take a dive.

Yeah, I immediately agree with her. I apologize for everything I've done, and

the fight is over.

But you lose.

We're men. We always lose.

I figure I might as well just give up so I can get to the make -up sex faster.

And she doesn't know you do this. She's clueless.

She's like my little puppet.

Well, I'm not taking a dive. I have a legitimate point here.

Okay, fine. You know, you go home. You spend the next four hours arguing.

Hey, you know what? Maybe you'll win this time. Yeah.

Maybe you'll be able to convince your wife that she's wrong about the way she

raises her child. Yeah. That should put her in a good mood. Yeah.

And you know the best thing about women?

They forget.

So as far as you're concerned, any time women are upset, men should just give

in. I mean, if everybody did that, Jimmy, what kind of world would this be?

Quiet.

Nice and quiet.

I'm just saying that if we treat death as a natural part of life, it'll be

easier for Sam later on.

Oh, that was good.

If we treat death...

Hey, Kim.

Hello, Jimmy.

Hi. Hi.

Christine took the kids to the park. I didn't think we should argue in front of

Sam, but I think we should talk about what happened this morning.

Yeah, about this morning.

You were right.

What? I was thinking about it, and you were right. I was wrong, and I'm sorry.

Oh, well... I think we should still... I think we should still talk because you

said some things this morning and... I was wrong. I hadn't thought it through

well as you had and now I realize that you were right. I don't think there's

anything more to talk about. I really am sorry.

Thank you.

Hey, isn't there a football game on tonight?

Yeah, I think there is.

Why don't you turn it on? I'll go make you guys some snacks.

Dance, puppet.

Dance.

I don't like fighting with you.

Me either. Let's not have a fight again.

But then we can't make up.

Well, maybe we should fight a little.

Hey, I was thinking maybe on Saturday we could all go to the pet store and pick

out a new pet for Sam.

Really?

I mean, what if it dies?

What do you mean?

I just don't want to go through all that again.

All what?

Like the biting.

Well, why would we fight?

You said you agreed with me.

I did. I do.

So, if his new pet dies, we'll handle it my way.

Yeah, we'll see.

What do you mean, we'll see?

Well, it's just every situation is different. I mean, with this fish, you

absolutely right. But with a different fish, you could be dead wrong. Get over

here. Greg!

Did you think I was right or not?

No.

What? No, Kim, I don't think you were right. You want to know why? Because you

were wrong. You were making it worse by trying to make him feel sad. I was

right, Kim. I was right.

I don't believe this. If you didn't agree with me, then why did you

I took a dive.

What? I took a dive. I didn't want to argue anymore, so I just agreed with

You lied to me?

I never win any of our arguments anyway, so why should I waste our time?

Because we're married.

We're raising a child together.

Now, we each have opinions about things, and we should respect each other enough

to listen to them.

Kim, you are blowing this way out of proportion. I mean, look at you. Your

is all tensed up. This is exactly why you're getting those wrinkles on your

forehead.

What did you just say?

Hey. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

What's wrong with you? Your sister. That's what's wrong with me.

You guys still fighting about that stupid fish?

Oh, we've moved on from that.

Why don't you just do what Jimmy does?

Take a dive.

Wait a second. You know about that?

Well, of course I do. What, do you think I'm stupid?

And you don't care that he just agrees with you so he doesn't have to argue?

I mean, you're like his little puppet.

Oh, please.

I win all the arguments and get to the makeup sex faster.

If you're looking for a puppet, you might want to check your buddy Jimmy for

strings.

And Kim's all upset because she thinks I lied to her.

You know what?

You should go up there and do it again.

What? Take another dive.

Say that she was right and that you never should have agreed with her just

get out of an argument and that you're sorry.

I can't do that. I can't take another dive. That's what she's mad at. Yeah,

that's why it's perfect.

See? She'll never expect it. I mean, plus, what do you think? She's up there

waiting for you to tell her that she's wrong?

Uh -uh. People just want to hear that they're right.

I'm not going to do it again. I'm not going to keep lying to Kim to avoid

confrontation.

It's not healthy. It's just going to lead to a lot of resentment and pent -up

anger.

You know what? You're absolutely right. I'm sorry.

Well, thank you. Actually, I think you're wrong, but you see how well that

works?

You are sick. You and your husband are both sick.

You can't have a relationship built on fear and deception.

I mean, Kim was right. I did a horrible thing.

I showed her no respect, and she has every right to be mad.

Hi.

Hey. Hey, um, you fill up the car while you're out?

No, the warning light wasn't on yet.

Jimmy, you can't wait for the light to come on. I gotta take the kids for a

checkup at 8 o 'clock tomorrow morning. Now I gotta stop for gas?

Wait a minute, why do I always have to be the one who fills up the car? You use

the car way more than I do. I don't know why you can't just... You know what,

you're right. You are absolutely right.

I will go fill up the car right now.

Thank you. And, um, while you're out, why don't you pick up some wine?

Meet you in the bedroom?

Oh.

Sounds like a plan.

Dad.

Puppet. Dad.

Hey. What?

Listen, um, I was just downstairs talking to Christine, and you're not

believe this.

She actually suggested that I come up here and take a dive again just so I

didn't have to argue with you.

But I'm not going to do it because it's wrong.

And I know it's wrong.

And I know we're going to have arguments.

And I know we need to have arguments.

But I love and respect you too much to disagree with you all the time.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that you were right. I'm sorry.

What, do you think I'm an idiot?

What? You think you can come up here, tell me that you're not going to take a

dive and then take a dive?

No, Kim, I really do. I think you're right.

Whatever. I do, Kim, I do. I really think you're right.

Don't be like this. We're going to be up arguing about this all night and I

can't do that. Unlike you, some of us have jobs.

Did you ever wonder what would happen if fish ruled the earth?

Do you think they would go to a human store, buy a bag full of people, and put

us in a big tank of air so they could sit and watch us in their water -filled

houses?

Do you think they'd take care of us, love us like we do them?

I'd like to think they would.

Yes, I'd like to think they would.